Category: Chad Kroeger

Avril Lavigne Wants Mark Zuckerberg To Leave Nickelback Alone!!!!

December 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Avril Lavigne may have moved on from one busted-haired musician that won’t go away to another. But that doesn’t mean she won’t stand up and defend Nickelback’s honor when someone takes a dump on them. I know, “honor” was a weird choice of word to describe what Nickelback has.

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Nickelback Is Unamused

December 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Canada’s shame Nickelback has had the misfortune of being unofficially known by humanity as “The Worst Band In The World” for some time now. A savvy group of musicians who appreciated irony would just laugh and go with it, perhaps using it to keep afloat on our vast ocean of pop culture. You would think any band whose frontman would marry Avril Lavigne would have a good sense of humor! But nope. Nickelback didn’t think it was “funny ha-ha” this week when the Kensington, Prince Edward Island cops threatened to punish drunk drivers by forcing them to listen to their music.

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A Canadian Town Is Threatening Drunk Drivers With Nickelback Songs

December 1, 2016 / Posted by:

That’s right: CBC News reports that in Kensington, Prince Edward Island cops have threatened drunk drivers with a ride to the pokey complete with Nickelback soundtrack. In the nerve-fraying election aftermath it’s been pretty common to hear people talking about packing it all in and moving to Canada. Well, Canadians are notoriously nice, but after some polite laughter I think this is their way of saying, “Don’t get too close, bitch.”

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Avril Lavigne Is The Only Person On Earth Who Will Defend Nickelback

May 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Here we are. Saturday the 14th of May, 2016. It’s pleasant out at the moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to rain. It’s been muggy, sticky, so rain will do some good. Cool down the pavement. Give everyone a little splash of relief. It’s funny. You see all the people outside and it’s as if they don’t know. as if they weren’t aware of it being the most important day of the year… EUROVISION! Which is why it pains me to sully this day by speaking of people who could probably never make it into the semi-finals, let alone win – Avril Lavigne and Nickelback.

Avril, as Billboard explains, is not a happy camper at the moment. MSNBC took a poll to see what people preferred over Donald Trump, and while Nickelback is one of the most hated bands in the world, people chose them over Donald. Good for them! E! ran a story on this incredibly important and informative poll and Avril is not having it. She and Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger split last year, but have been seen together recently, so you can all calm down. I know how worried you’ve been about Canada’s royal couple. Avril, being the polite Canadian she is – despite her bedroom door being covered in signs that say things like “PARENTS SUCK” – jumped on Twitter to slap at those hateful hos at E!

That’s right, E! Grow up! Just like Avril’s fans did!… who then realised what they had been listening to, scrunched up their faces and felt deeply embarrassed about the school dance they went to wearing a tie with a tank top. And thanks to her, I’m now familiar with Nickelback’s sales numbers. I knew that despite being the butt of a lot jokes they were big, but I didn’t realise they were that big. I guess a lot of people have kind of trashy cousins who still wear JNCO’s and have frosted tips. Ugh. That side of the family sucks. 

Pic: Wenn

The Royal Couple Of Canada Has Broken Up For Real

September 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.

Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.

It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.

Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.

It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)


Nickelback Doesn’t Sound Like Nickelback Anymore And Their Fans Are Pissed

March 7, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s weird – you’d think people who have listened to Nickelback would be glad that they don’t sound like Nickelback anymore. On Wednesday, growly Canadian beer commercial band Nickelback released the video for their latest single “She Keeps Me Up”, and it’s a damn mess (and that says a lot, since a damn mess is the most accurate way to describe anything human wallet chain Chad Kroeger does).

“She Keeps Me Up” is from Nickelback’s eighth studio album No Fixed Address, and I don’t know if albums have themes, but if “She Keeps Me Up” is any indication, then I’m guessing the theme of No Fixed Address is either poor man’s Maroon 5 or lazy Train. It’s like Jessica Simpson’s A Public Affair had a backseat baby with a low-budget Rihanna impersonator, an electric guitar, and Dewey Cox’s version of Starman – which is probably the nicest thing I could say about “She Keeps Me Up”, to be honest. Unfortunately, the response from die-hard Nickelback fans hasn’t been so kind; Gawker has compiled some of the fan reactions on YouTube, and it’s pretty much the internet comment equivalent of stomping up to your room and slamming your door.

For the most part, they’re crying that this is Nickelback’s way of selling out and that they’re not “rock” anymore. Um, hello, were they ever considered “rock”? It was my understanding that the National Registry of Music Classifications (if that’s even a thing that exists) created a new genre specifically for them called Melodic Douche Grunts or Truck Tunes.

But really, they’re just being dramatic; it could always be much, much worse. Instead of She Keeps Me Up by Nickelback it could have been She Keeps Me Up by Nickelback ft. Avril Lavigne.

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