“If this motherfucker tries his ‘techniques‘ with me, bitch is gonna end up in the well with that annoying ass Timmy.” – Lassie in that picture, obviously.
Cesar Millan’s Once Upon A Dog tour (yes, he has a tour) is about to travel through Europe and so to promote it, he talked to The Daily Mail’s Femail about all things dog. Cesar burped up his wisdom including how he believes the young tricks today shouldn’t make the longterm commitment of adopting a dog. I don’t know about the other millennials, but millennial skid mark Justin Bieber should definitely open up his ears to Cesar’s words.
Last month, human alpha dog Cesar Milan got in a bit of trouble with Los Angeles County Animal Control after a delinquent doggy named Simon snapped at the ear of a trainer pig and drew blood during an episode of Cesar 911. LA Animal Control received a lot of concerned calls regarding Simon’s caught-on-camera attempted pork roast and decided to investigate further to see if there was any evidence of animal cruelty.
However, both Cesar and National Geographic WILD (the channel that airs Cesar 911) maintained that no neglectful shit happened and the pig was fine. LA Animal Control obviously agrees, because the LA Times is reporting that after a month of investigating, they’ve decided not to change Cesar with animal cruelty. The deputy director of the LACAC released this statement about Bacongate:
“After a comprehensive investigation by our officers, we presented a very thorough and complete report to the District Attorney’s office and they were unable to find anything to charge Mr. Millan with. It’s a fair decision.”
Apparently they came to the decision to clear Cesar Millan after watching the video of Simon and Trainer Pig’s tussle several times, reading the vet reports, and speaking to everyone who appeared in the episode. Cesar also released a statement of his own to Page Six, but his had a little more of an “I told you so!” flare to it.
“I am pleased but not surprised by this news. Our animal handling procedures are safe and humane. Just like LA County Animal Control, my team and I are 100% dedicated to the proper care of all animals, including the farm pig in this case. The investigation spanned several weeks and case evidence – including a complete video of the incident and interviews with those on the scene – was presented to the LA District Attorney’s office for final review.
“I am continuing my work rescuing and rehabilitating even the most difficult problem dogs. Which has saved the lives of thousands of animals that otherwise would have been euthanized.”
Cesar has said since the beginning that Simon and Trainer Pig put whatever drama they had behind them and are now best friends. I wonder if Animal Control also investigated that, since that’s clearly the most suspicious part of this whole mess. I mean, everybody knows that nobody goes on a reality show to “make friends.”
Yesterday, Allison, brought us the harrowing tale of how Cesar Millan, dog whisperer, is being investigated by Los Angeles County Animal Control for possible counts of animal cruelty. The animal in question is a lil’ ol’ pig that a dog named Simon bit on an episode of his show, Cesar 911. Simon, le dog avec aggression, apparently lives on a nearby farm and has had issues with le pigs before so Cesar has been rehabilitating him. But, those reality TV hos got him on camera going in for a nibble on a pig ear.
Well this is turning out to be a real backwards week for reality TV stars. First greasy gob Josh Duggar has been released back into the world. Now NBC4 Los Angeles (via People) is saying that passionate pooch helper Cesar Millan, of Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan and Cesar 911, is being investigated for animal cruelty. This is some Black Mirror shit.
Pictured here is a pampered princess with a rhinestone-encrusted asshole who will bite for blood if you touch her with your peasant hand. Next to her is a dog named Samantha who will also bite for blood if you touch her with your peasant hand.
One of my pet peeves (I am not proud of that pun) is handsy, rude strangers who think the world is their own personal petting zoo and they can touch my dog without asking. Trick, you don’t know my dog’s life! My dog has never snapped at a stranger who creeps into his personal space and that may or may not having something to do with me whispering the words, “If you snap at someone, you’ll have to go live with Cesar Milan,” into his ear every time we watch The Dog Whisperer together. Whenever a stranger pets my dog without asking, I want to bite their hand. It’s not like he’s wearing a sign that reads “Touch Me If You Want To.” I’m the one wearing that sign on my forehead, not him. But anyway, the flight attendant in this story learned the hard way that sometimes petting a stranger’s dog without asking can put you in the ER.
Page Six says that on Tuesday, Barbra Streisand and her luxurious pooch Samantha were flying from NYC to DC on a private jet owned by billionaire Ron Perelman. Samantha was luxuriously lounging on a chair when a flight attendant decided to come over and pet the 12-year-old Coton de Tulear. (Side note: That breed’s name is so fancy that my pinky finger went up while typing it.) The flight attendant didn’t do that thing where you let the dog sniff the back of your hand before petting them. When she put her hand on Samantha, that fancy ball of white fluff responded by biting her. That is the international sign for “Look, Don’t Touch, Bitch.” And you thought Heather Cho was the most dangerous bitch on a plane.
The bite was so deep that the flight attendant needed stitches in her hand. I’m surprised Babs didn’t feel that cut with liquid buttah by serenading the flight attendant’s hand with a song. Barbra immediately apologized to both Ron and the flight attendant. Her rep gave this statement:
“This never happened before and Barbra apologized profusely to the flight attendant.”
I smell a lawsuit…or maybe my dog farted again.
A source also said (no, they didn’t) that once they landed, Barbra immediately took Samantha to a vet. No, Barbra didn’t have Samantha put to sleep. She had her teeth replaced with porcelain veneers because they got tainted with the blood of a peasant!
Pic: Animal Fair
I hear you saying to yourself, “But was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton…”
Anybody who watches the diamante-covered silicone turd that is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Kim Richards’ pit bull, Kingsley (seen above screaming “HELP” with his Tiny eyes), is an absolute mess. Like owner, like dog, right? And I say that as the human of a chihuahua who does everything he does like nap for hours on end, sniff ass and twirl when he sees a piece of beef jerky. During one episode, Kim hired dog trainer David Utter to help her control Kingsley and when Kingsley came at him, he did the professional dog training move of trying to kick the dog in the head. (If you’re like me, then that sentence will make you want to watch You Kick My Dog again.) Cesar Milan calls that move the “not calm and not submissive move.”
Kim had a hard time controlling Kingsley, so it’s not exactly shocking that he attacked a human. Two days ago, the basic cable Demi Moore, Kyle Richards, Instagramm’d this picture of her and her daughters having a hospital room slumber party. Kyle said that her 18-year-old daughter Alexia was laid up in the hospital after getting attacked by a vicious dog, to which all of us said, “Okay, which one of those crazy bitches on the Real Housewives went too far this time and attacked a castmate’s child?”
TMZ says that Kingsley is the dog who mauled Alexia’s hand. Over the weekend, Kyle and her daughters were hanging out at Kim’s house when “out of nowhere” Kingsley went Cujo on Alexia. Kingsley bit Alexia’s finger to the bone and she had to have several surgeries. Animal Control was never called and Kingsley is still living at Kim’s house. Animal Services won’t do anything about the attack unless Alexia or another family member reports Kingsley. Kingsley apparently has a file with Animal Services, because he’s attacked several dogs and people including Kim’s friend who had to get attention from paramedics after he bit into her arm.
Never mind that Kim Richards shouldn’t own a half-broken Tamagotchi let alone a living and breathing pit bull, look at Kingsley’s surroundings. Kingsley is surrounded by a bunch of rabid, insane messes who constantly bark and go after each other. They all need to spend time in Victoria Stilwell’s dog training camp. I’m actually surprised that Andy Cohen hasn’t slapped a weave, a chunky rhinestone necklace and a silky blouse on Kingsley and made him a Real Housewife. I’d like to see Brandi Glanville accuse Kingsley of doing meth in the bathroom.