Could it be that the greatest singer IN ZEE VULD has given birth to the greatest RAPPER IN ZEE VULD?!? Celine Dion’s 17-year-old son Rene-Charles Angelil aka Big Tip, has just established him a force to be reckoned with in the rap game. According to Entertainment Tonight, Rene slipped his Big Tip tracks onto Soundcloud’s server earlier this week, et voila! A stah eez born! (look, I know why my phonetic French is shitty, just go with eet).
Last year, Ryan Reynolds tried his level best to get himself nominated for an Oscar for Deadpool. I don’t know how much pull Ryan has over at the Deadpool offices (a lot I’m guessing), but it was enough to get them to hire Oscar-Maker-In-Chief Céline Dion to do a song and video for Deadpool 2. And to great comic effect, they totally played it straight (for the most part). Throughout the entire song I was waiting for Céline to pull off her rubber mask (that cannot be her actual face) and reveal that she was Deadpool all along. But no! Deadpool is in it too. And he’s a maniac on the floor.
Here’s the video for Ashes!
It’s actually a great Céline jam! The goobers at my karaoke spot will be singing this song by weeks’ end. We don’t deserve Celine. She’s a treasure and the world will forever be in Canada’s debt for sharing her. She’s worth suffering a thousand Biebers. Ok, one additional Bieber and three Drakes. But we expect greatness from Celine. There is nothing she can’t sing while glowing incandescently. But if Ryan really wants that Oscar, I’m going to need to know that he was actually doing his own dancing in this video. I want to believe that it was, but know deep down that it wasn’t. And if that’s the case, if anybody’s getting an Oscar out of this stunt, if will be Céline and Céline alone.
Celine Dion has many skills. She can make a human see the face of every God just by opening up the fountain of ethereal musical notes she calls a mouth. She can make phone calls on a shoe. She can come up with rescue plans on the spot. And she can make gays throw up a river of taffeta by giving a couture show on Instagram. But who knew that Celine Dion is also a masterful drunk whisperer who can expertly tame a fan whose motor functions are being powered by vodka.
Chanel better shutter its windows in the Place Vendôme, Louis Vuitton can lock up on the Champs-Élysées, and Dior can certainly close its door. Why, you ask? Because Celine Dion’s reign over Paris continues, and she’s sucking all the glamour up for herself! Celine got tired of all the snotty Vogue writers blabbing about her on Instagram, so she decided to grace our souls with a visual performance.
Paris hasn’t really been the same since Miss Piggy took over French Vogue. Every gal in town had to immediately burn her wardrobe, because NOBODY does couture like Miss P. That is, until came Celine Dion.
The Queen of Quebec famously kept ringside seats at couture shows where she war whooped next to Anna Wintour, which isn’t nice, since the loudest thing the American Vogue editor likes to hear is the thwack of Roger Federer’s tennis racket at Wimbledon.
I threw a “sort of” into that headline, because I didn’t want anyone to get a stage 10 case of blue balls after looking at that picture and realizing that she’s covering up her nightingale nipples and her international treasure box.
The Celineaissance continues in Paris, and since it’s Haute Couture Week over there, Celine Dion has really been turning it up and giving those fashion hos something to really gag on. And she also proved that she can give tricks the vapors even while not wearing high fashion couture shit.
Vogue has been following Celine around while she’s in Paris, and in between fashion shows, they took this picture of her serving up a “naked on the toilet but keeping it elegant” pose. I’m not posting Vogue’s pretentious and rambling caption, because it is so damn long that when I tried to copy it, my laptop gave me this error message: Bitch, no, it’s the day after a holiday. Don’t do this to me!
And if that sort of naked picture of Say-leen ain’t enough to tip you over, then this clip that reader Charlotte sent in may do it. Celine has been touring Europe and at a show in Lille a few days ago, an audience member recorded her slathering the stage with pure sex. Only theater queens may get this reference, but Celine laid down lots of “Anita Morris in Nine” sexiness:
All hail the second coming of Celine! She’s hot, she’s crazy, she’s horny, she’s a mess, she’s fabulous and let me stop right now so I can slap myself for typing “the second coming.” This isn’t the second coming of Celine since her fabulousness never left us in the first place.