Her heart will go on…in a non-binary fashion. Celine Dion has been teasing what looks like a well-curated arrest video for a few days on Instagram, and I was really hoping it was going to end up being a redo movie of The Bling Ring. Alas, we won’t have Celine calling up a Vanity Fair journalist to sob about who made her shoes. Instead, the video is part of a campaign to launch Celine’s partnership with fashion brand NUNUNU on a line of gender-neutral children’s clothes. Divas may come a dime a dozen, but how many #woke divas do you see doing the damn thing like this??
How will the Las Vegas strip even commemorate such a tragic occasion? Will they dye the fountain at Caesars Palace black to show they’re in a state of mourning? Maybe instead of waving hello to someone, you’d offer a solemn chest-bump with your right hand before both wiping away a tear? They better figure it out soon, because Celine Dion confirmed today that she’ll be ending her residency at The Colosseum in 2019.
Could it be that the greatest singer IN ZEE VULD has given birth to the greatest RAPPER IN ZEE VULD?!? Celine Dion’s 17-year-old son Rene-Charles Angelil aka Big Tip, has just established him a force to be reckoned with in the rap game. According to Entertainment Tonight, Rene slipped his Big Tip tracks onto Soundcloud’s server earlier this week, et voila! A stah eez born! (look, I know why my phonetic French is shitty, just go with eet).
Last year, Ryan Reynolds tried his level best to get himself nominated for an Oscar for Deadpool. I don’t know how much pull Ryan has over at the Deadpool offices (a lot I’m guessing), but it was enough to get them to hire Oscar-Maker-In-Chief Céline Dion to do a song and video for Deadpool 2. And to great comic effect, they totally played it straight (for the most part). Throughout the entire song I was waiting for Céline to pull off her rubber mask (that cannot be her actual face) and reveal that she was Deadpool all along. But no! Deadpool is in it too. And he’s a maniac on the floor.
Here’s the video for Ashes!
It’s actually a great Céline jam! The goobers at my karaoke spot will be singing this song by weeks’ end. We don’t deserve Celine. She’s a treasure and the world will forever be in Canada’s debt for sharing her. She’s worth suffering a thousand Biebers. Ok, one additional Bieber and three Drakes. But we expect greatness from Celine. There is nothing she can’t sing while glowing incandescently. But if Ryan really wants that Oscar, I’m going to need to know that he was actually doing his own dancing in this video. I want to believe that it was, but know deep down that it wasn’t. And if that’s the case, if anybody’s getting an Oscar out of this stunt, if will be Céline and Céline alone.
Celine Dion has many skills. She can make a human see the face of every God just by opening up the fountain of ethereal musical notes she calls a mouth. She can make phone calls on a shoe. She can come up with rescue plans on the spot. And she can make gays throw up a river of taffeta by giving a couture show on Instagram. But who knew that Celine Dion is also a masterful drunk whisperer who can expertly tame a fan whose motor functions are being powered by vodka.
Chanel better shutter its windows in the Place Vendôme, Louis Vuitton can lock up on the Champs-Élysées, and Dior can certainly close its door. Why, you ask? Because Celine Dion’s reign over Paris continues, and she’s sucking all the glamour up for herself! Celine got tired of all the snotty Vogue writers blabbing about her on Instagram, so she decided to grace our souls with a visual performance.