Get ready, we’re going way back for this one. No, not the T-Mobile Sidekick/JUICY-wrapped ass years, that’s too far. This is more the Lady Gaga-in-a-meat-dress era. Right before The Hills ended in 2010, Audrina Patridge got together with Portia Porquipine’s Sunset Strip-loitering cousin, Ryan Cabrera. The relationship didn’t last long, but apparently there was something there, because a source tells People that Audrina is back with him.
I think we can all agree that if we were to guess which former member of The Hills would have a messy split from their husband, it would be Heidi Montag. That could still happen, but for now it’s Audrina Patridge, and things aren’t great.
Someone is fucking with me! It’s been weekend after weekend of goddamn baby announcements. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate babies (I do), but could these famous people try and push one out or announce the arrival on a weekday? Michael K and Allison aren’t plagued with the baby talk so why should I be?! Anyway, at least this baby takes us back to one of the eras I enjoy the most, 2006. Audrina “Ceiling Eyes” Patridge of The Hills, the scripted soap opera about the lives of pieces of cardboard, has given birth to a baby girl.
Audrina and her fiancé, Corey Bohan – which sounds like the French version of Cody Lohan to me – announced back in December that there was a lil’ ol’ fetus in her uterus. And now they have welcomed their first child, Kirra Max Bohan. Reps for Audrina (she still has reps? what?) confirmed to People that Kirra made her first appearance yesterday morning. They went on to say, “she’s perfectly healthy and Mom is doing great.”
Audrina made the announcement of being knocked up on Instagram with a post sponsored by Clearblue, because that is the world we live in. Last week she used Instagram again to talk about how she’ll miss having a baby growing in her:
It’s going to be weird not having a belly soon or feeling little kicks punches and hiccups allll the time, I’m so used to it now and am loving it. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so I’m very thankful for that and also for good genes…. Just gotta get her to flip!! I’ll post a prego update blog for all my fellow prego girls out there:)! (thanks @enviedefraise for my cute dress)
She managed to get in a plug for her dress, but I really feel like she missed an opportunity for a bigger catch with the phrase “prego girls“. There’s money to be made in pasta sauce, Audrina!
By Hollywood baby name standards, Kirra is pretty normal and isn’t even a conversation piece. But Audrina has always been the most basic of the bunch and that has paid off for little Kirra. I mean, at least she doesn’t have a name like Saylor. So congrats, Kirra!
It’s almost Christmas, so this is the kind of “news” I have to work with, okay? But seriously, last Friday I posted about the crumbling of the fame whore kingdom called Kitson, so let’s make it another Flashback Friday by going back to 2006 to check in with Ceiling Eyes!
Audrina Patridge, the wilted lettuce in the basic bitch salad that was The Hills, recently got engaged to her on-and-off boyfriend of 7 years Corey Bohan (which sounds like what a drunken and slurring White Oprah calls her son Cody Lohan). Today, 30-year-old Audrina announced that she and 33-year-old Corey are going to be parents. Audrina doesn’t make millions upon millions of dollars from selling ugly sequined crap at Kohl’s like Lauren Conrad and she doesn’t have a multi-million dollar music empire like Heidi Montag, so she has to hustle hard for that money. Ceiling Eyes announced her happy baby news in an Instagram ad sponsored by #ClearblueConfirmed! When your AMEX bill is past due, you do what you gotta do to make a payment even if that includes showing off your sponsored piss stick. And it is never too early to pimp out your baby.
I finally figured out what to get Corey for Christmas! #babyontheway #ClearblueConfirmed #ad (blog post with all the details will be up today, couldn’t wait to share the news with you all:)! Xoxo
Get that quick check, Ceiling Eyes! She also better get Diclegis to sponsor a picture of her morning sickness barfs and get Cortizone to sponsor a picture of her itchy nipples.
On another note, the Ceiling Eyes baby is going to be the luckiest child in the world and mostly because it’s grandmother is a bright and articulate shining star who oozes elegance, charisma, cigarette ash and six different kinds of booze. Whenever anyone posts anything about Audrina, they have to post this legendary video of the real star of her family: her mom! Martin Luther King Jr. and Winston Churchill probably wish that Mama Ceiling Eyes was their speechwriter, because she has a way with words.
If Ceiling Eyes wants to do what’s right, she’d name her baby Jibby Kibble Patridge Bohan.
Ceiling Eyes has the charisma of a microwaved lima bean and now we know why! Bitch’s mom kept it all for herself. After Audrina Patridge was bathed in the red light of death on Dancing with the Scars last night, she went to Beso for her final meal and her mother Lynn drowned her sorrows in everything on the cocktail menu and then some. White Oprah better walk faster, look over her shoulder every ten seconds and schedule an appointment with her chiropractor, because Mama Lynn is coming to snatch her game. Necks will snap!
While smoking a Skydancer outside of the restaurant, a drunken Mama Lynn delivered a poignant monologue where she verbally massacred everyone from Lauren Conrad (“pissy little fashion shit”) to the girls on The Hills (“Fucking Hills girls? Hills TRAMPS!“). Mama Lynn then goes on to call her daughter a classy girl who is going on to bigger and better things including a reality show which she’s starring in (YES!). If this mess of a speech was a cocktail it would contain Peach Schnapps, the saliva produced from a slur, a wet cigarette butt, whatever kind of wine was on special at Albertson’s and a chewed up piece of gum found stuck to a Nine West heel. That cocktail would be called a “Jibby Kibble.”
This is my favorite rendition of Rose’s Turn EVER! I swear, this is some beautiful shit you usually only see 3 hours after happy hour in the parking lot of a Bennigans in the Valley.
And they say that flowers can’t grow in between sidewalk cracks. Well, this is more than a flower, this is a straight up STAR and she’s shooting all the way into the air. Happy America!
Ceiling Eyes celebrated her 25th barfday in Las Vegas the other day with a poop (typo and it stays) party at the Aria. Ceiling Eyes’ boyfriend Ryan Cabrera, whose hair normally looks like this, covered his guinea pig (emphasis on the pig) coif so that he could splash in the pool with her.
If one of his Ryan’s locks gets even a drop of water on it, he screeches LIKE THIS so it was in everyone’s best interest that he covered up his hair with a ski cap, the douchebag’s answer to a swim cap. The swim cap is a good idea, but I think we should go even further…
Ryan’s got enough oil in his hair to make the BP spill look like a puddle outside of a Jiffy Lube so we should probably drop a giant metal condom over his head to be safe.