The defiantly cancer-free Val Kilmer is probably the only person who didn’t snicker a little bit when they saw Cate Blanchett done up as a middle-aged The Sisters of Mercy fan for the next Thor flick. That’s because the best Batman (it’s an unpopular opinion but come find me if you feel differently) is in glorious Twitter love with the Australian actress.
Val has turned his Twitter feed into a veritable shrine dedicated to Cate Blanchett worship. It wouldn’t surprise me if noted eccentric Val dresses up his pets as Galadriel, Kate Hepburn, and a closeted lesbian housewife in the 1950s. Wait, scratch that, it probably shouldn’t be cats.
Entertainment Weekly released a ton of pictures from Marvel’s newest cinematic nerd Viagra, Thor: Ragamuffinorsomething, and they should’ve put a giant warning on the cover. Because it looks like Thor went down to the nearest Supercuts and got the haircut that every straight guy named Brian or John gets before a job interview. That golden luscious mane is Thor and Thor is that golden luscious mane. Without it he looks like some regular guy wearing a Thor costume from Halloween Town to Comic-Con. Okay, a regular guy with muscles the size of pantyhose stuffed with cantaloupes, but still a regular guy.
I’m no nerd and Thor’s hair is still emotionally upsetting to me. It’s like when Felicity cut her hair. The stocks for brushes and leave-in conditioners plummeted! The only way I’ll be okay with Thor’s basic ass haircut is if we find out that shifty Loki could no longer fight the jealousy he felt over Thor’s gorgeous locks, and one night he cut that mane as Thor slept and made a wig out of it. And Loki better wear that wig throughout the whole damn movie.
If you sniff a ton of wig glue fumes and then tilt your head to the side while squinting, Cate Blanchett in glam drag sort of looks like a skinnier and blond Vida Boheme doing Marlene Dietrich.
Last night, Stonewall in NYC hosted a benefit for Newtown Action Alliance, a nonprofit that was started after the Sandy Hook massacre to promote gun control. The benefit was a drag show and since Cate Blanchett pretty much played a drag queen in Cinderella, she fit right in. Cate is currently starring on Broadway in the play The Present, and she used her night off to lip-synch to Dusty Springfield’s version of You Don’t Own Me for charity.
While wearing a tuxedo jacket, a sparkly bra and chonies, Cate worked the room like a casting director for RuPaul’s Drag Race was in the audience and Logo just announced that next season will be the show’s last.
Cate was also on stage when performer Margeaux Powell did Adele’s Hello.
Yes, Cate gave it and was hot, but she better not get any ideas and audition for the next season of Drag Race. Cate already stole an Oscar from Virginia Madsen, (yes, you heard me right!) and she better not steal the Drag Race crown from a queen who has worked for it her whole life. Don’t do it, Cate!
In that picture, Cate Blanchett looks like she just saw a triple rainbow, or finally let out a stubborn doody bubble that was refusing to vacate her ass, or just learned that she saved 15% on her car insurance. Cate looks so happy and you too would be happier than Kanye looking at Kanye in a mirror if a bunch of potato chips were framing your chichis. Cate wore this Lay’s for Jessica McClintock dress to something called the “IWC Schaffhausen Dinner in Honour of the British Film Institute” in London tonight.
Yes, those giant chips look like they could’ve spent a little more time in the deep fryer, but that dress is still delicious-looking and it’s also pretty dangerous. If I partied with Cate while she was wearing this dress, the next day would be a sad one for me. I’d find myself trying to shit out fabric while going over the invoice that Cate gave me for ruining her dress by drunkenly eating the potato chip ruffles on it.
“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!
Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!