For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.
Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.
While that may look like a group of middle-aged dorks visiting the Hollywood Walk of Fame star of their favorite actor, Adam Sandler, before going to party at 4pm at Dave & Buster’s, it’s actually middle-age-ish dorks getting their Hollywood Walk of Fame star today. If me Googling “How can I relieve my sciatica pain?” didn’t confirm to me that we all get old, this picture of *NSYNC did.
Like all of us, *NSYNC’s fans are getting old, but thousands of them still pulled their IcyHot-slathered limbs out of bed at the hour of the dead this morning to camp out in Hollywood to see Chris Kirkpatrick (looking like Guy Fieri’s #1 fan), Lance Bass (looking like a South Florida realtor), JC Chasez (looking like the country’s least popular Vincent Vega impersonator), Joey Fatone (looking extra DILF-ey, you can judge me for that), and Justin Timberlake (looking like a ~hip~ preacher of a new age church).
Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
Thanks to the fact that the temperature in L.A. was about as hot as a newly-released fart lingering in the Heat Miser’s chonies, everybody who went to the Emmys yesterday probably made squishy sounds when they walked because of the pools of sweat jelly that formed on their crotch areas. Well, those pools of sweat jelly were definitely washed away by a wave of crotch cream when Adrien Brody sashayed onto the carpet looking like sex double-wrapped in smarmy and dipped in Brut.
Adrien and his signature douche pucker were at the Emmys, because he was nominated for Houdini and also because kissing history-making actresses at award shows is his thing. As I said earlier, Olivia Culpo nearly fainted on the red carpet, and she claims the heat did her in. But I bet she really got the faints when Adrien Brody flipped his glorious mane as he walked on by. Adrian looked like the kind of high-priced gigolo who takes his old lady clients to the opera, fingers them in the box (that line has two meanings) and makes them smell his fingers afterward. Swooooooon.
Here’s a million pictures of some of the dudes (including Damian Lewis, Joe ManJello and David Oyelowo) at the Emmys, but who cares about any of them. The only thing your eyes need is Adrien Brody giving you “stache-free Yanni in a fun house mirror” hotness.
Carson Daly, host of The Voice and The Today Show (or if you grew up in a country without MTV like me, ‘that guy who got into a fight with Fred Durst over a Christina Aguilera blow-j’) announced last night on The Tonight Show that he and his fiancé Siri Pinter are praaag with with third child. The already have a 5-year-old named Jack and a 19-month-old named Etta, so I’m guessing they’ll follow the Rule of Threes and name Kid #3 something equally boring and inoffensive, like Maddie or Charlie. And speaking of the Rule of Threes, how spooky is this?
SUNDAY: A baby signs a 9-month lease on Mila Kunis’s womb
MONDAY: Stacy Keibler uses a delicious-looking onion bun to announce she is with child
TUESDAY: Carson Daly gets his fiancé pregnant for the 3rd time
Well, if you’ve ever wanted to confess that you accidentally dropped a lit joint in your mom’s Windstar and burned a hole through the seat and that’s why it always smelled like a burnt wig, now is the time because clearly the END OF DAYS is upon us. Okay, maybe not the end of days. But at least the end of vacation days at every diaper factory in existence, because they’re going to have to work triple-overtime to make enough doo doo catchers for the impending Baby Apocalypse that will happen sometime in September 2014.
But congratulations to Carson Daly and Surly Painter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to fantasize about an alternate reality where Carson Daly had stayed with Tara Reid and knocked her up with three bug-eyed, sunbleached tanorexic tequila-chugging toddlers.
Two weird things happened on VanityFair.com a few days ago. First, Vanity Fair actually interviewed Carson Daly in the year 2012. Second, Vanity Fair’s George Wayne, who’s thing is to try to shock the butt plug right out of his interviewees, asked Carson the question most of us ask ourselves when we wake up in the morning: When Xtina gets the fuck tingles in a major way, does she squirt like a geyser? Yes, Vanity Fair went there:
G.W. Let’s cut to the chase: Do you think Christina Aguilera squirts when she has an orgasm?
C.D. Are you kidding me? Is that your opener? I have no idea. I can’t imagine the thought. I mean, really.
G.W. I mean, clearly—just look at the outfits she chooses to wear onstage. Tell that girl to put some clothes on! I believe that is a rational question to ask you. I know it is a bit off-piste.
C.D. Yes, it is. I will say she does have a lot of people on her team, a whole entourage to help her, and she knows what she is doing. Oh boy, I love you. You are the best. You are so great—just the best. Despite your asinine question about Christina, it is still a pleasure to be here with you.
Wait, so according to George Wayne, if you wear four-sizes-too-small leather panties onstage, your sex parts will squirt like a walrus spitting water when you orgasm offstage later? No wonder I always stop for a few seconds and say “hmmmm” to myself when I see leather man panties in the window of some store on 8th Street.
And you know what I really didn’t need today? The image of Xtina squirting up into Carson Daly’s nostrils. That’s not what I needed, so screw that GW bitch for that.