Motley Crue doesn’t deserve the umlaut over “Crue” when their lead singer is treating women like pull-toys. Vince Neil, 55, has pled guilty to misdemeanor battery in regards to that charming incident last April where he used a woman’s hair as a handy way to yank her ass to the ground.
Billboard reports that he submitted his plea in writing and didn’t appear in court. He has to pay a $1,000 fine, go to something called impulse control counseling, and “stay out of trouble” for six months. “Impulse control counseling” sounds like sort of a minor reprimand for portly lead singers who aren’t recognizing that the heavy metal vomit party ended around the time Nirvana’s Nevermind came out. No word yet on whether or not the victim’s lawsuit against him (she filed in July) has been settled.
At least he hasn’t been legally prohibited from hanging out with the two mega-celebrities he was with at the time of this mess. One of the more eccentric actors in Hollywood, Nicolas Cage, will luckily emerge from this incident unscathed. Nic was inexplicably accompanying Vince on the day in question and Vince was reportedly set off when the victim came up to say she was a fan of Nic and leaving out Vince’s name. It sounds like Vince’s “impulse control” issue might have a lot to do with no one looking to get inside the “Home Sweet Home” in his spandex performin‘ pants anymore.
Remember the time drunk-ass Vince Neil and the amusingly deranged Nicolas Cage were “I love you, man“-ing each other outside of the Aria Hotel in Vegas? If you’ll recall, a woman and her son were delighted to see them and approached the pair for autographs. Allegedly, Vince’s response was to grab her by the hair and violently yank her ass to the ground. Maybe he was embarrassed because he didn’t have a pen?
Kelly Guerrero is the alleged victim and she filed a suit against the Motley Crüe lead singer in federal court in Nevada on Thursday. She’s seeking damages of more than $75,000 and claiming that she was severely injured and in need of psychotherapy after the incident. The Wrap obtained a copy of the suit, and reports that the now assuredly former Motley Crüe fan says that she suffered “back sprain or strain, neck sprain or strain and sacral contusion” as well as a fractured coccyx and “a severe left hip injury.” The suit also claims that when Sailor Ripley released Vince after restraining him for attacking Guerrero, he went after another woman. Victim #2 reportedly ran out of the hotel to escape him. I would have run my ass out of the lobby, too.
There are two factors that no one is considering here. The plaintiff’s suit claims that Vince used her hair as bucking bronco reins after she told Nicolas that her son loved him in Ghost Rider and City of Angels. I’m not saying that bad taste in movies should ever result in violence, but if this were The Purge, the film critic in me would sort of get it. The other factor is the part of the suit where it mentions that CARROT TOP was with them. CARROT TOP. How could you be so angry when accompanied by CARROT TOP’s glazed muscularity and bronze-dipped visage? That should inspire a peaceful serenity in all.
By the way, Carrot Top was with Vince and Nicolas, not the mother and son. I would understand why you might think he was now a civilian. Prop comedy is not what it used to be.
Cleanse your soul’s palate after all this talk of violence with some pics of Carrot Top below. They were taken at the premiere of Criss Angel’s Mindfreak Live! show. Why doesn’t Carrot Top have a live show? With whom do I speak about this?
I don’t totally regret missing panty pudding-inducing sex vegetable, Carrot Top, on Oprah: Where Are They Now? (via HuffPo) last night, because I spent my Sunday night getting drunk on light beer (which is an impossible feat and requires A LOT of work) while watching the Golden Girls Marathon Channel known as TVLand for hours. But I do regret not programming my DVR to record all things Carrot Top-related, because it’s embarrassing that I, a self-proclaimed Carrotarian who gets the drips from staring at his Doritos-crusted abs, missed a Carrot Top event! For shame!
Anyway, on last night’s Oprah: Where Are They Now?, Carrot Versatile Bottom talked about how he did a Comedy Central Roast once and one of the comics said that he looks like Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis. CT was offended by this, because he doesn’t think he looks that different from when he first started doing comedy. CT told his funniest joke of all time when he said that he hasn’t really had any plastic surgery:
“People think I’ve had plastic surgery — no, it just takes a lot of makeup to make me look good…. I’m sorry that I look good. I don’t think I look anything different than I did when I started [in comedy].”
It’s obvious that hating whores are only throwing shit bombs at Carrot Top, because they’re jealous that they don’t have a face that looks like that of a beautiful woman sculpted out of a sausage cheese log and a body that looks like that of a freckled He-Man doll. I believe CT when he says that he’s never been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel (no, I don’t) and his beauty comes from nature and a bottle of foundation, but let’s compare a picture of him from 1999 and a picture of him from last month anyway.
You know what’s going on here, right? It’s the power of an exquisite eyebrow situation! A stunning pair of eyebrows took Carrot Top from “normal-looking person” to a ginger god who looks like Pennywise in Jackie Stallone drag. So don’t hate Carrot Top for being beautiful, hate his eyebrow threader.
I was in the middle of putting together an Academy of Country Music Awards post when, like a ouija board whose sole job is to direct me to pleasures, my mouse moved my hand to the only pictures from the ACMs any of us need today. Who cares about bland, unflavored gelatin bitches like Taylor Squint and Carrie Underwears when the real loin-quiverers at last night’s show were: Wayne Newton and Carrot Top! Your eyes are saying NO and your weak stomach is saying WHY?, but I know your nipples are saying YES!
The supervisor of the ACM seat fillers couldn’t even tell you why Fig Newton and Carrot Bottom were there last night and truthfully, I don’t need to know. I’m just happy that we’re all starting this week right with pictures of Wayne looking like his face is eating his eyes and Carrot looking like an over-inflated Jackie Stallone blow-up doll.
First, I get Betty Draper in a fat suit and now I’m getting Wayne Newton looking like a Wayne Newton wax figure made from a Kim Jong-Il clay statue, leftover skin from Liza Minnelli’s last face lift and the eyes from a taxidermied raccoon? The only way this week could be better is if Frito Lay announces the triumphant return of Ranch Fritos!
With the help of a steamroller, two cast iron hot plates, this picture of John Travolta (which can turn any gay hair straight) and enough balm to fill a Beyonce rider, a team of stylists tamed the wild bushel of Gossamer pubes on Carrot Top’s head for a Las Vegas Magazine photo shoot. The result has obviously given you the answer to the question: “Could I ever be attracted to the secret toilet baby of Jackie Stallone and Fabio?” Don’t act like the answer isn’t “YES!YES!YES!,” because who can deny the come hither look of a female-to-male transsexual ginger who runs a mini-mall beauty salon/car insurance firm? It’s a good thing that sofa is leather, because if it wasn’t you might leave a panty pudding stain after you sit down.
I bet Carrot Top loved his new luxurious look so much that he pulled out the flat iron and matched the carpet to his drapes. Now when he hits it from the back, he can tickle your taint with the tips of his flowing pube cape.
Here’s a video of how they made Carrot Top even more nipple-burning gorgeous. It’s NSFW since it’s obviously porn.
via Las Vegas Magazine (Thanks OurMissC)
Millions of Milkshakes and John Travolta’s Scientolohole aren’t the only places for a ho to drop a load of cream in for a dollar. Carrot (Versatile) Top presented his new Carrot Top Sundae at the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas last night. Part of the proceeds will be donated to Carrot Top’s cousin Ronald McDonald and his house for children. I’ve got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of, but I wouldn’t even sniff on Carrot Top’s cup of sweet cream. That looks like it came from a place I don’t want to know about.
It was probably made with roid pimples, the essence of Jackie Stallone, carrot skin pureed by a garbage disposal, bronzer crust, a clown’s kidney stones, ginger pubes and old Collagen. One sip will have your butt cheeks begging to become one with a toilet seat. Just like what happens when you lick on Carrot Top himself! And yes even after that last sentence, I still would….the dude not the shake (see that part where I said I have no standards to speak of).