Last night, Carrie Underwood let all of us hating cunts know that we need the assistance of her designated driver and she’s praying for our dark, mean, shitty souls. Pray for me, Carrie! But I hope Carrie prays more convincingly than she did on The Sound of Music Live! or else my dark soul is fucked to hell. Carrie is right, though. Meanies hating on her performance are worse than the Nazis! Hating on Carrie Underwood is one of the worst sins you can commit. It says that in the B-sides of the Bible. I think it’s 0 BiteMe F:U-2.
And I do need Jesus, but his secretary tells me it’s going to be a while before he gets to me since he’s busy watching Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music to wash Carrie’s Maria from his mind.
A good old-fashioned, family-friendly musical about a nun turned home wrecking gold digger should be one of my favorites, but The Sound of Music never totally did it for me. The Baroness aside, it lacks the glamour, rhinestones and exposed nipples I look for in a musical with Nazi shit in it (see: Cabaret). So I wasn’t one of those hos screaming, “BLASPHEMY! JULIE ANDREWS CANNOT BE REPLACED! I’M GOING TO BURN THIS CITY DOWN,” while going into last night’s 13-hour-long Sound of Music snoozetacular. Julie Andrews wasn’t the first Maria and there’s been a million Marias after her. It’s not like the role of Maria is as sacred as the role of Cristal Connors in Showgirls. It’s just Maria! But when Carrie Underwood started acting, I sort of became one of those crazed Julie Andrews groupies.
Carrie Underwood put the wood in Underwood. Her singing and yodeling were good, but her talking… Those community theater set pieces were more captivating and human than her. My iPhone is in the red and it has more life in it than Carrie did last night. Shit, even if it died it would have more life in it. For a second there I thought that maybe Carrie is a thespian genius and was making a controversial acting choice. Maybe she was playing Maria as though Maria was brainwashed by Hitler and was working as a spy for the Nazis. She had a glazed look in her eyes like her brain had been taken over by another force. If she was playing one of Tommy Girl’s beard wives, she would’ve nailed it!
Even her damn praying wasn’t believable! Carrie is practically the Christian golden child and she couldn’t even fake pray right. God was up there thinking to himself, “Err, put some stank on it, my child.” But Carrie did bring something new to the role. When Mother Abbess tells Maria through song to climb that man and get that dick, I saw something I’ve never seen in that scene before. When Mother Abbess sang “Cliiiiiiiiiimb every mountaaaaaaiiiin, search high and low, ” she really wanted to sing, “Cliiiiiimb out that windaaaaaah, get outta my face.” Mother Abbess didn’t care about Maria finding her true life. Mother Abbess just wanted Maria to get out of her life. I see you, Mother Abbess. I see you trying to pawn Maria off on Captain Von Trapp, because her lack of human emotions and animatronic mannerisms are creeping you out. Right after Maria left the abbey, Mother Abbess probably called Captain Von Trapp up and told him that if he doesn’t take Maria off her back she’ll tell everyone he’s a vampire.
And as for Vampire Beeeehl….. I’m going to assume that Vampire Beehl was suffering from a serious case of diarrhea and clenched his ass cheeks the entire time. If he put too much umpf into his singing, his chonies would’ve come alive with the sound of squirting.
On a positive note, Audra McDonald and Laura Benanti stole every scene they were in and saved the show. Captain Von Trapp should’ve been arrested when he chose the wooden Swiss Miss statue over the glamorous Baroness Elsa!
Despite the Carrie Underwood hate, the Sound of Music Live! was a hit and had huge ratings. So I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before NBC announces that next December they will do West Side Story Live! starring Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus as Maria and Tony respectively. Yeah, they’re doing the all-black version.
Whenever there’s some kind of awards show, I take comfort in knowing that Taylor Swift is probably going to show up wearing some heavy ass gown that a First Lady (circa early 2000s) would wear to an Inaugural Ball. Taylor of Sunnybrook didn’t disappoint at tonight’s CMA Awards in Nashville. The only thing this look is missing is a really happy Dubya asking her to pull his finger.
You know, if I look at her dress long enough, it kind of looks like bedazzled blood splattered all over her. She kind of looks like a giant sparkly blood clot that passed out of a unicorn’s vagina during a heavy flow period. It looks like the aftermath of a bloody fairy massacre. And speaking of dresses that look like body fluids, Carrie Underwood wore this:
So far this is my favorite look of the night and not just because she’s wearing apricot Mary Kay lipstick. This is the look because it looks like she’s pissing out a heavy stream of sequins.
And here’s some more pictures from tonight’s show including some of Kellie Pickler and Miranda Lambert. Kellie and Miranda must’ve not gotten the bedazzled body fluids memo, because neither of them is dressed up like a puddle of rhinestone-covered diarrhea.
NBC hates you and is still going through with this fuckery even though everybody asked them to please stop before it’s too late! They released the first poster for The Sound of Music Live! starring Carrie Underwood as Maria von Trapp and the hills are alive with the sound of graphic artists tapping at their keys while Photoshopping this disaster of a poster. How do you solve a problem like this poster?
NBC also announced that the cast will include Tony winners Audra McDonald as Mother Abbess, Laura Benanti as Elsa Schrader and Christian Borle as Max Dettweiler. Vampire Beehl (aka Stephen Moyer) will play Captain Georg Von Trapp. Audra McDonald, Laura Benanti, who played Maria on Broadway, and even Christian Borle in a yellow yarn wig would make a better Maria than Carrie.
But that poster.
It looks like a cross between a dental ad and a box of Swiss Miss. It looks like an ad for Swiss Miss’ new line of cocoa-flavored whitening strips. That poster is terrifying and it almost looks like aryan propaganda.
I just hope this is going to be the campy nightmare that poster promises it to be.
This proves that nothing good comes from wearing a mullet shirt. When you wear a mullet shirt, bad shit happens to your ass.
Carrie Underwood was performing at a show in Corpus Christi, TX last night when her heel and her fug ass mullet shirt worked together to take her ass down. After Carrie’s ass and the stage floor became one, she kept on yodeling. CNN broke into their story on Syria last night (they probably did) to report that Carrie didn’t break any bones and she’s not canceling any dates.
After the show, Carrie tweeted a picture of her leg and foot wrapped in something every woman wears when she’s around Quentin Tarantino and doesn’t want him to attack her feets with his mouth. It’s a QT blocker.
And in the doll room of her Rhode Island mansion, Taylor Swift is giggling while jumping on top of the foot of her Carrie Underwood voodoo doll.
Carrie Underwood yodeled out Guns’N Roses‘ “Paradise City” at the CMA Music Festival this past June and ABC aired her performance last night. While waiting for Masterpiece Theater Presents The Real Housewives of Miami to start, I flipped through the channels and stopped on Carrie’s performance and it took me a few eye blinks to realize that it was not Axl Rose with smaller tits looking clean,fresh, skinnier. I picked the wrong night to be out of weed, because I needed it to get me through all of this.
The song…. the outfit….the moves…. Carrie moved like a linebacker who had to pee and had the runs at the same time. I don’t know if this is the most jacked up thing I saw last night or the best thing I saw last night, but it’s definitely the weirdest.
Carrie co-hosted Good Morning America today with a special doggy friend and I’m guessing that the doggy friend also watched the same shit I watched last night and is still not over it.
My facial expressions exactly, puppy.
Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell’s furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood’s the one who got the starring role in NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC’s president said this in a statement to Playbill:
“Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn’t be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”
First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What’s next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I’m still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.
Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I’m serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.
Here’s Carrie Underwears singing “The Sound of Music” a few years ago:
Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton’s disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor’s facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to “OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING” face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she’ll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won’t win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.
Taylor should’ve known that shit wasn’t going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):
Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor’s dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped ‘em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it’s her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.
And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn’t a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude’s a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!
I’ve said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn’t get into this season of American Idol. I’m being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night’s finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn’t Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn’t been a singing competition for a long ass time. It’s a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.
Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant’s hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody’s grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.
Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should’ve won is America’s Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn’t do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.
Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There’s a reason why balls don’t drop during infancy. It’s so that your baby doesn’t sound like Barry White. But that’s just me hating again. I’m sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.
Here’s a few pictures from last night’s finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo’s bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).
As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger’s bus hoping she’ll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that’ll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.
And you can almost smell the matin’ odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He’s ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray’s main mullet fluffer.
Here’s a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley,
Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.