The Daily Mail posted a pap pic of seriously-eyebrowed model Cara Delevigne, 25, kissing up on Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris Jackson, 19, outside of Los Angeles steakhouse Carlito’s on Thursday night. Reportedly on a double date with Paris’ godfather Macaulay Culkin, Cara and Paris, who met at last year’s MTV Movie Awards, smooched outside and did a cute little paparazzi-lurin’ dance. This might seem to confirm the rumors that they’ve been dating. But, nay, People quotes a source (I’m guessing Gramma Katherine Jackson because she probably clutched the pearls and died twice when saw the pics) as saying they’re not.
That memory you have from yesterday of you deep throating two charbroiled hot dogs as your friend lit a sparkler that was stuck in your asshole in the name of freedom is just a figment of your imagination. That didn’t happen, because Fourth of July didn’t happen. There were no fireworks. There were no BBQs. There was no family party where your auntie got drunk on Svedka and La Vie (aka Aldi’s bootleg La Croix) while dropping it low on the concrete patio to Night Ranger’s (You Can Still Rock) In America. None of that happened yesterday because Fourth of July got canceled since it seems like Taylor Swift didn’t throw her annual Taymerica extravaganza. Every bald eagle is probably drowning in a puddle of their own tears while in the fetal position on the ground somewhere.
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Less than two months ago, Kristen Stewart made things with St. Vincent celebrity-official by posing for pictures at a Vogue fashion event together. Kristen usually plays it coy when it comes to who she’s rubbing up against, so I took that public event to be the domino that was about to knock down the rest of the dominoes that lead to a chapel and a priest and matching hers n’ hers all-black hipster wedding ensembles. It appears that might not be the case.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.