Aspiring discount Barbra Streisand impersonator Lea Michele is only 27-years-old, but for some reason she decided to show up to the Teen Choice Awards – an award show for teens – last night looking like a horny wine-guzzling 45-year-old recently divorced mother of two named Nikki (real name: Laura) who just got kicked out of the bar at The Cheesecake Factory for pretending to give a bottle of ketchup a hand job and offering to show the bus boys her new lips. “Guess which ones? Wink! Hey, whaddaya mean I have to leave!? I’m not even finished my Typhoon Punch yet!”
I do sincerely love that Lea Michele is embracing her inner “former stripper turned Tampa tanning salon assistant manager”, because cheap n’ slutty is always the look, but she’s not totally committing to it. Are those her natural nails? Egads, NO! The only time a middle-aged Bebe-wearing MILF mess leaves the house without thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips is when she’s on her way to get new ones put on. And why is her neck so bare? Someone check the red carpet for a silver-plated “Tiffanee & Co.” chain choker ($1.99 at the swap meet when you buy a knock-off Coach wristlet) with a heart-shaped dog tag that has the word “SEXXY” engraved on the back, because clearly it fell off when she tried to dry hump the surfboard.
Here’s more of Lea Michele at the Teen Choice Awards looking like the kind of day-drunk mom who runs upstairs and changes into a bikini when her teenage son’s friends come over after school, as well as girl group Fifth Harmony (who all look like $2 budget mall rat perfection), Nina Dobrev, Selena Gomez, Frankie Grande’s less-famous sister, Zendaya doing what she thinks is an homage to Madonna, and a couple of random call girls from Calabasas.
The first time I was made aware of James Maslow’s exquisite Stepford Pool Boy face in all its Maybelline glory, I thought “This kid and his beautiful rosy cheek implants are going places”. I didn’t know what place that would be (a believable testimonial in a no!no! commercial, a WeHo Zumba class) but I knew it would be big! Or at least big adjacent. And apparently the producers of Dancing With The Stars (and Star-Type Substitutes) agreed, because James Maslow will be batting dem eyelashes and smizing the shit out of the cha-cha-cha as a contestant on ABC’s Sequins & Spanx Variety Hour.
The complete cast of DWTS was revealed today, and there’s very little to get excited about (beside’s imagining the FACE-BODY-FACE James Maslow will be bringing to the dance floor every week). Because this is ~very~ important information, here’s who will be stuffing themselves into 10 yards of stretch satin every week:
Candace Cameron Bure (D.J. Tanner and submissive housewife)
Charlie White (Olympic gold medalist ice dancer)
Drew Carey (Plinko jockey)
Diana Nyad (Wikipedia tells me she’s a 64-year-old lady who likes to swim)
Cody Simpson (an Australian Bieber-type)
Meryl Davis (Charlie White’s ice dance parter. Really ABC? Two figure skaters?)
Danica McKellar (math genius/Winnie Cooper)
NeNe Leakes (platinum-haired Atlanta glamazon/spirit animal)
Amy Purdy (Paralympic snowboarder)
James Maslow (Gigolo Joe’s more natural-looking younger brother)
Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian from Staw Wars)
Sean Avery (former NHL player)
I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I’m just going to go ahead and recommend that the DWTS interns not buy any green bananas for the 64-year-old swimming enthusiast’s dressing room. If our definition of ‘star’ now includes an oldie who was insane enough to swim from Cuba to Florida, then DWTS producers might also be interested in my friend’s drunk Aunt Pam who got arrested after jumping off a booze cruise and swimming to shore in nothing but a Juicy Couture velour hoodie.
And was Kimmy Gibbler is too busy preparing for a research trip to Mars or rescuing orphans in Romania? Because there’s no way DWTS would purposely overlook her for D.J. Tanner. Everyone knows that when it comes to Full House, why go out for lukewarm cheeseburgers (D.J. Tanner, Uncle Joey, the less-present of Aunt Becky’s twins) when you have steak at home (Kimmy Gibbler, Uncle Jesse).
During an appearance on HuffPost Live (via USWeekly), Candance Cameron Bure of Full House fame defended the views on marital submissiveness that she wrote about in her book Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose.
“The definition I’m using with the word ‘submissive’ is the biblical definition of that,” Bure explained. “So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength. And that’s what I choose to have in my marriage.“
I can’t speak on biblical definitions since I’m still thanking my lucky stars my ass didn’t burst into flames when I did a reading at my friend’s church wedding last year. I’d ask Kirk Cameron for his thoughts since this evangelical stuff is right up his alley, but I wouldn’t want to interrupt one of his anti-gay soliloquies or another depressing birthday party.
Here is an excerpt from Candace’s book about the dynamic between her and husband Valeri Bure:
The former child star wrote, “My husband is a natural-born leader. I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work.”
“I love that my man is a leader. I want him to lead and be the head of our family,” she said. “Those major decisions do fall on him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t voice my opinion or have an opinion, I absolutely do.”
But, ultimately, her husband gets the final say. “It is very difficult to have two heads of authority,” Bure explained. “It doesn’t work in military, it doesn’t work — I mean, you have one president, you know what I’m saying?”
She further explained: “We are equal in our . . . importance, but we are just different in our performances within our marriage.”
Candace might be onto something here because in the Bure household, there aren’t 20 minute conversations that revolve around where to go for dinner. “I don’t want to pick the restaurant. You always tell me to pick, then you get upset when it’s a place you don’t want to go and get all quiet. I’m not saying you’re a nag, I’m just saying if you tell me up front where you want to go, we wouldn’t have these stupid arguments. No, I didn’t say YOU were stupid, I said the situation is.” That’s about all I’m on board for though.
It’s true that everybody needs to do what they can to tolerate living with someone for the rest of their lives without losing their shit and pushing their significant other down a flight of stairs. Compromise is one of those necessary evils in relationships and it looks like Candace took the meek, biblical wife/dominant husband road while some of us just scream “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY KIMMY GIBBLER, YOU SURE AS HELL DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY DJ TANNER!” (you know Marilyn would have loved her some Uncle Jesse).