I don’t know the complete history of the phrase of “Not today, Satan.” I don’t think it first sprouted out of the brain of Bianca Del Rio, but I do know that she made it one of her signature catchphrases, spit it out during season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race (which she won), named her tour after it and sells “Not Today Satan” merchandise on her website. Well, yesterday Candace Cameron Bure posted a picture on Instagram of herself wearing a “Not Today Satan” t-shirt and Bianca wasn’t having it today, tomorrow or next week. I guess the era of feuds filed under “Random As Hell” isn’t over.
If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
“Dear Jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and getting me the heck away from this table of Clinton supporters.”
If you don’t watch The View, then you might not know that co-host Candace Cameron Bure has been noticeably absent from the show lately. DJ Tanner is a busy lady. She’s got her gig on The View, the second season of Fuller House, Hallmark Channel movies, plus a family and calls from Jodie Sweetin asking for a ride “to a thing, don’t worry about it.” Candace may smile like a robot at times, but that doesn’t mean she is one, and she recently decided to quit one of her jobs. Candace, while wearing one of Liz Sweeney’s hand-me-downs, returned to The View today and announced that she was leaving after two seasons to focus on everything else.
Two months ago, The View said adios to Raven-Symone.
She picked a great day to announce she was making like the Subway delivery guy at Kirk Cameron’s birthday party and getting the hell out of there. If she had any doubts about leaving, all she had to do was glance over at Whoopi’s confusing Christmas sweater to remind herself that it’s time to go. “Is that a strawberry? Is she wearing a strawberry? How is that Christmas? You know what, it’s best I don’t know.”
In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.
Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.
As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.
To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.
And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“
Earlier this month, Candace Cameron Bure (that’s DJ Tanner to you and me) was a guest co-host on The View and they got into talking about that bakery in Oregon that was ordered to pay $135,000 in damages for refusing to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple. DJ Tanner is Kirk Cameron’s sister in almost every way (I’m sure there’s a picture out there of her at the loneliest office birthday party in the world) so she was the voice of the conservative Christian and took the bakery’s side. Raven Symone took the lesbian couple’s side and it was on. I expected to see smoke wafting off of DJ Tanner’s face, because Raven shot piping hot death stares at her. It was a TGIF vs. Disney showdown! Here’s the clip in case you’ve never seen it:
When that happened, I just knew that the producers were probably filling their panties with the cream they squirted out while thinking about all the attention that moment would get. I also knew that they’d most likely try to hire DJ Tanner full-time. Because to them, DJ Tanner and Raven are probably the second coming of Elisabeth Hasselcrack and Rosie O’Donnell. Well, Variety says that producers want DJ Tanner, because she’ll bring Christian Republican eyes to the show. They’re also in talks with Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend, because she can fill the show’s “news journalist” spot.
The source says that Paula will be on Monday thru Thursday and will sit out on Fridays, because she has to get ready to host GMA Weekend. The producers will have to work around DJ Tanner’s schedule for Fuller House, which shoots in L.A. The producers are also going to be put together a group of substitute messes who will fill in when DJ Tanner and Paula are gone. They’re talking to Molly Sims, Stacy London, Nicolle Wallace and Sherri Shepherd (THE FUCK?!) about taking those spots.
If DJ Tanner and Paula Santis’ deals work out, they’ll join Whoopi Goldberg, Raven and Michelle Collins when the new season starts in September.
The only thing I have to say about this right now is: It should’ve been Kimmy Gibbler. It REALLY should’ve been Kimmy Gibbler.
When I heard the news that sexy yogurt hustler John Stamos was trying to bring back Full House, a show that’s been dead for nearly 20 years, I made the exact same face as Kimmy Gibbler above: a combination of shock, disgust, and confusion, with just a hint of “Da fuq??”. But it sounds like Uncle Jesse can stop trying to make it happen, because it’s probably definitely going to happen. Again, Kimmy Gibbler says what we’re all thinking. Kimmy Gibbler is us.
According to TV Guide, Warner Bros. TV has shown serious interest in bringing Full House back. Original producer Bob Boyette (hands up if you just said “Full House is a Miller-Boyette production” in Uncle Joey’s voice) has signed on, and creator Jeff Franklin has already started writing. Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, and Andrea Barber (YAAAASSSSSS!!!) are all on board for the reboot, while Bob Saget and Dave Coulier have agreed to be involved in some capacity (writing, acting, directing, voicing annoying woodchuck puppets).
It sounds like everyone and the attic are ready to come back and take a messy dump all over the Full House legacy, except for you-know-who. Obviously the Too-Good-For-This-Shit Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, are far too busy being fancy troll pants fashion designers and vanguards of Urban Blair Witch style to grace our televisions with their presence. Well, guess what? We don’t need you either! All John Stamos needs is an eBay account connected to a valid credit card, and he can replace them with two vintage Talking Michelle dolls. Sure, they’re a poor substitute for the real thing, but the real thing would scare the shit out of children. You’re trying to make Full House, not American Horror Story: Full House.
There’s also no word on whether or not they’ll be bringing back such beloved Full House B-characters like Vicky Larson, Nicky and Alex, that hot bitch Kathy Santoni, or that scene-stealing hotter bitch Comet, but chances are pretty good that they won’t have any scheduling conflicts. One thing is for sure: they better not bring back that asshole Yankee Doodle Derek! Ugh, I’m getting ragey just thinking about his smug face and that shit-eating grin!