Selma Blair takes it all back! Cameron Diaz is not retiring from acting after all. Well, at least that’s what Selma says. Selma issued a RED ALERT to the public backtracking on her previous comments about her The Sweetest Thing co-star tossing her SAG card into a bonfire. Selma now claims it was all a joke! Here’s Selma’s fevered retraction, as if we can believe anything she says anymore.
📠📺☎️👩🏻🏫 BREAKING NEWS 🚨🚨🚨. Guys please, I was making a joke in an interview. CAMERON DIAZ is NOT retiring from ANYTHING. And for more breaking news: I am NOW retiring from being Cameron Diaz’s spokesperson. 🎙
— Selma Blair (@SelmaBlair) March 12, 2018
Oof, Selma’s emoji game… Fax machine emoji? Math teacher emoji? In another tweet (since deleted) Selma said (via E! News):
“No no no! It was a quip. Delete. Delete delete. It would only be official if it came from her mouth. Not mine answering a question of sweetest thing part deux was happening. Red alert. not fact.”
According to E!, Cameron hasn’t said anything publicly one way or the other about retiring from acting. She’s only talked about trying to “find herself”. But Selma’s mad scramble backwards up the cliff tells me Cameron’s not so preoccupied with making sure she’s fucking to the right twin to let such a broad statement go unchecked. Cameron probably called Selma up and was like “here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna tweet out a retraction and you’re gonna work in a bad teacher emoji somehow or else there will definitely be no sweetest thing part deux, capiche?! I got back-ends on that bitch”.
Pic: Columbia Pictures
Cameron Diaz’s last big acting year was 2014, where she delivered flop after flop. After that year, she took some time away, and now her The Sweetest Thing co-star Selma Blair is saying she’s fully retired from acting.
Cameron Diaz’s last big acting job was as Miss Hannigan in the Annie remake. That was 2014. Since then, she’s written a lady body manual and got married. But she hasn’t acted in anything since, and the only thing above Annie on her IMDB page is a cameo appearance on the kids show Yo Gabba Gabba. So what has Cammy been doing these past three years? Reassuring Benji Madden his tattoos still look cool? No, she’s been finding herself.
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
Seen above making the same face I make when I buy $100 worth of vegetables in an attempt to convince myself that I will juice every day because juice is delicious and healthy for me and I’ll totally drink it every morning and oh god no no no why does it taste like a beet took a dirty dump in my mouth, unofficial coochie lobbyist Cameron Diaz spoke to Cosmopolitan UK about how you won’t find her posting drowsy porn face selfies on Instagram, because she isn’t here for that nonsense:
“I think social media is a crazy-ass experiment on society. The way people use it to get validation from a bunch of strangers is dangerous. What’s the point?”
Ah, to be a fly on the wall during the conversation that began with a sad-looking Benji Madden complaining that his Cameron tattoo selfie only got 15,200 likes on Instagram. “Babe, what gives? I thought I’d get at least 20.”
I get what Cammy D is saying about social media being dangerous, because I think we’ve all been to that deep, dark place that exists when you combine a lonely night with too much wine and a mental list of your exes. But what I wouldn’t give to read what Cammy has to say on Twitter. I feel like if at any given time you were to enter Cammy’s brain Magic School Bus-style, it would be like a Willy Wonka world of dong thoughts. And that’s practically why Twitter was invented, right? So the good people of this world could read shit like “@CammyDeezNuts: If you get dick lube on your face, don’t worry – just wipe it off with yr panties #tips“.
Here’s Cammy in Cosmo UK working that someone tell the pool boy to fetch me another vodkarita realness, because why not:
Seven weeks after he made it legal with legendary dick hunter and Razzie award-winning actress Cameron Diaz (which, to be honest, is probably six weeks longer than Cammy’s hungry coochie expected this shit to last), Benji Madden went and paid tribute to the current love of his life and partner in questionable decisions by getting her name tattooed across his chest. I’m not familiar with tattoo terminology, but is this what’s known in the body mod biz as a “future cover-up”?
Benji “Not The Cute Dog Benji” Madden posted a picture of his new Cameron chest tattoo to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Thinking bout you❤️❤️❤️ #LuckyMan“, and he didn’t specify who that ‘you’ he was thinking bout, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he was referring to Cameron Diaz. Or maybe it had nothing to do with that tattoo? Maybe it was actually a message to the pirate dentist who did his gold tooth. “Thinking bout you, Scurvy St. Rum-Swiller, DDS – xo #Y’arrr”
Obviously, a famous trick getting another famous trick’s name tattooed on their body is pretty much a guaranteed way for two famous tricks to jinx the hell out of their relationship, but at least Cameron is a generic enough name that he won’t feel too badly when they eventually break up. There are so many options! He could tell people it’s in honor of Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or he could change the E to an apostrophe and say it’s because he’s a huge Cam’ron fan.
Or he could throw in an extra couple of Os, turn it into Cameroooooon, and pay tribute to drag superstar BeBe Zahara Benet. That’s what I’d do.
(via Benji Madden)