It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.
Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz’s new movie Sex Tape has 33% on Rotten Tomatoes and critics said in so many words that watching Verne Troyer’s sex tape during the day while sober is a less painful and more exciting experience. So Jason and Cameron should probably be out there selling the shit out of their turkey turd of a movie by smiling, hugging, signing stuff and giving out quick handies and rim jobs. But Radar says that at a screening in NYC on Monday night (pictures below), Jason and Cameron treated their fans like pieces of trash and ran out of there without signing autographs. I was going to say that maybe Jason and Cameron are embarrassed by their crap movie and wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, but she showed her face publicly after making What Happens In Vegas and he showed his face after making Gulliver’s Travels, so shame is not something they know.
Radar’s “eyewitness” says that before the screening at the Regal Union Square Theater, a handful of fans asked Jason and Cameron for pictures and autographs. Cameron and Jason treated their fans the same way Kate Gosselin treats her kids. Cameron and Jason told their fans to get the hell away and leave them alone.
“It’s not like the fans were following them at a hotel or restaurant, it was a film premiere with fans. Both of their attitudes were disgusting. When a 20-something fan asked Jason for a photo as he left the premiere he said, ‘No’ and literally slammed the car door right in the fan’s face. People gasped, that’s how bad it was.
And when Cameron was spotted, she also refused the fans telling them, ‘If I did it for you I’d have have to do it for everyone’ before storming off. “Cameron was as unfriendly as can be and it was really disappointing. And Jason was downright nasty to his fans. There were literally only four of five fans waiting and asking for them when they left. It was not a huge crowd and would have taken less time for them to sign an autograph or take a picture rather than giving a lecture about not doing it.”
People gasped? Jason slapped a car door in a fan’s face? They should’ve filmed that and released it instead of Sex Tape, because that scene sounds more thrilling and hilarious than any scene in their movie. I’d pay a slice of my weekly weed money to see Jason Segel dramatically scream, “STOP SWARMING ME! LET ME BREATHE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LARGAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in front of two people who are looking at him like, “What?”
If anybody at that screening deserved to be yelled at it’s Cameron Diaz for thinking it’s okay to dress like the Too Close For Comfort wall:
And the Too Close For Comfort wall wore it better, bitch. Like I even had to say that.
When Cameron Diaz admitted on Watch What Happens Live back in April that she once took the L train to taco town, everybody immediately shifted their eyes over to Drew Barrymore as if to ask “Well, how was it?”, followed by ”No, seriously, how was it.” However, Cameron has told Harper’s Bazaar (via UsWeekly) that people need to stop picturing her joker mouth going to town on Drew’s lispy pussy, because she would NEVAH do such a thing. Drew is like a sister, but not that kind of sister, you sickos!
“People will always speculate. People like scandal. They like to put a label on something that they don’t understand. It makes them feel comfortable. Mostly they like to guess who it could be. Some media outlet called for a comment and they wanted to know whether I was with Drew. Literally, I said, ‘That makes me want to vomit in my mouth.’ That’s like saying I’m having sex with my sister. Are you crazy? I wouldn’t even ménage with her!”
Even though “I wouldn’t even ménage with her” is the most perfect insult to ever come from the mouth of a slut, it makes no goddamn sense. Of course you wouldn’t have a threesome with someone you weren’t comfortable going down on. DUH! You can’t just sit there scrolling through Pinterest on your phone and hoping that someone will offer to go down on you. Come on Cammy, I thought you had your PhD in Slutology; you should be teaching me, not the other way around.
So now we’re back at square one and we have no idea who Cameron Diaz got her gayelle on with. Eh, let’s just say it was the mask from The Mask (all masks are female, right?).
And here’s Cameron doing her best impression of a rich horny Miami cougar (not hard) in Harper’s Bazaar:
Even way back in 2004, that tattoo of Skeleton Abraham Lincoln is like “Four score and WTF is going on here?”
When it was first announced that pussy power motivational speaker and carefree slut Cameron Diaz had started rubbing her parts against Hot Topic troll Benji Madden, pretty much everyone gave Cameron a Michael Bluth-style “Him?”. Really, Benji Madden? The human Hot Topic vinyl toy? The back-up Madden brother? Male Avril Lavigne?
But that was two weeks ago, and if holding hands and getting coffee is any indication of the status of a relationship, then it looks like Cameron and Benji are still bumping woo-woos. Which means Camji (I hate myself for writing that) is technically more than a questionable random one-night-hump thing. And according to People, it may have the potential to go on ANOTHER two weeks!
“The relationship sort of hit Cameron out of nowhere,” a source close to Diaz tells PEOPLE. “She’s always been open-minded when it comes to men. She just wants to have something in common with them and find a personality that loves life and loves as hard as she does.”
“She’s at a point in her life where she would love to settle down, but for now with Benji it’s about being happy and taking things as they come,” the pal says. “She’s happy … really happy.”
That’s an awful lot of words for “It’s good dick.” Because why else would you date a dude who falls somewhere on the Kinsey Scale of Douchery between AXE Body Spray and John Mayer? Whatever, it’s Cameron’s pussy, and if watering her precious flower with vinegar brings a smile to her face, then who am I to judge?
And I feel like any time Cameron Diaz stays with someone long than 14 days, her pussy should present them with a little rolled-up certificate and a small trophy to congratulate them on delivering the kind of dick that is able to temporarily tame Cammy’s hungry hungry hoo-hoo.
Cameron Diaz’s never-ending quest to fuck and dump every famous (and semi-sort-of famous) piece in Hollywood continues.
UsWeekly says that out and proud slut Cameron Diaz is currently licking on the douche peen that was once licked by Parasite Hilton, Holly Madison and Sophie Monk. Some source says that Nicole Richie, who was in that Basic Bitch Class of 2014 picture with Cameron, introduced the two, because she felt like he’s a slut, she’s a slut, so they’re perfect for each other. Nicole thought they would really click. Nicole telling Cameron that she’d be perfect for tattooed douche bottle Benji Madden is like Nicole telling Cameron, “I hate you.” Some source says that Benji has been chewing on Cameron’s twat fur for only a few weeks.
“It’s very new” and they’re “just hanging out,” a source tells Us of Diaz, 41, and Madden, 35. The pair have only been seeing each for the past several weeks.
I’m shocked and surprised it’s lasted more than a week. Usually Cameron Diaz’s coochie yawns at a dick that it’s seen more than four or five times, so this is one of her longterm relationships. Cameron better dump him and move on to another trick next week or she’ll no longer be my slut hero. But what I don’t understand is, Cameron once told all the ladies out there that they have to treat their vagina like a beautiful flower and give it love and nourishment. Practice what you preach, bitch! How can she says she’s giving her chocha some love and nourishment when she’s watering it with the same hose that once watered Parasite Hilton’s weeds repeatedly? Cameron’s flower will be pissed at her once a herp sore grows one of its petals.
Professor Cameron Diaz, Dean of Women’s Pussy Studies at Our Bodies, Ourselves University, went on Watch What Happens Live Monday night to pimp out her film The Other Woman for the 4,209,372th time (dammit Cammy, give that whore a break already! Who are you, Pimp Mama Kris?). During a round of “Plead the Fifth”, the human version of Theodore Seville Andy Cohen asked Cammy to elaborate on the remarks she made to Glamour UK about all women thinking sexual thoughts about each other by asking if she’s ever swam in “the lady pond” (Thanks Andy, I just pictured a snapping turtle floating on a raft made of tampons):
Cammy D: Yes, I have been with a lady.
Andy Cohen: More than once?
Cammy D: You didn’t ask explicitly how I was with a lady, but I have been with a lady.
All of a sudden, this picture makes a lot more sense. Cameron didn’t explain how exactly she’s been with a lady, but I’m sure she’s saving that tidbit of information for the next stop on the never-ending promotional tour for The Other Woman, along with the story of the first time she tried anal, her theories on threesomes, and an anecdote on pegging.
Now because I’m a curious loser with an unhealthy interest in the sex partners of famous people, which of her friends do we think is the other woman? (oh god, I see what you did there, marketing team for The Other Woman). Drew Barrymore is the obvious choice, since she’s the type of kind-hearted soul who would selflessly make out with anyone if it looked like they needed cheering up. Gwyneth Paltrow is out; she won’t fuck anything that hasn’t first spent a week detoxing their mind/body/spirit at an exclusive $40,000 a week retreat in a country you’ve never heard of. But my guess is she went gayelle with her pal Tom Cruise after he cut his hair into bangs and she mistook him for a mature lady who might know her way around a pussy (boy, was she ever wrong).
Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.
I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”
“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.
Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).
It looks like Pastor Cameron Diaz of the Pussylove United Church found a volunteer to fill in for her at the Pussy Outreach Centre for At-Risk Vaginas, because she’s taken a brief hiatus from preaching the word of the good book and give a non-labia-related interview to InStyle magazine. Pastor Cammy reveals that she has started to question the long-held belief that one should worship at the altar of one set of genitals for the rest of our lives:
“A lot of people chase after it because they’ve been told, ‘This equals happiness.’ They chase it, they get it, and they find out, ‘Why did I think this was going to make me happy? I’m miserable!’ I don’t know if anyone is really naturally monogamous. We all have the same instincts as animals. But we live in a society where it’s been ingrained in us to do these things.”
I’m sorry, Pastor Cammy, but you lost me the second you compared human monogamy to animal monogamy. Animals are sluts who will hump anything regardless of sex, species, or vital status. I once saw a dog hump on a dead raccoon, and the whole time his eyes were scanning for his next hole (no romance with that one). And of course there are some hump-hungry human sluts out there (The Deaner, for example) but for the most part, I think humans like to settle down with that one special someone who makes their parts tingle, right? I mean, it sure saves on rent.
And something tells me Pastor Cammy just received an email from Gwyneth Paltrow that said: “Hi Cameron. Do me a favour and go back to talking about vaginas, because I’ve sort of already cornered the market on insufferable quotes about questioning monogamy.”
If the whole point of the trailer for Sex Tape was to be a confusing mess, then A+ work, trailer people. Right off the bat, the image of a nearly-naked Jason Segel was dumped on my eyes, and normally I’d be all for seeing that human connect-the-dots game get his fuck on (I have a thing for mole-covered moobs; pray for me) but he’s lost a ton of weight and it looked like Cameron Diaz is sexing on The Machinist. Literally the second Cammy rolled up on him in a pair of roller skates and her nipples bugging out, I couldn’t help but scream: “NO! HE’S CLEARLY A SICK MAN! YOU’LL SHATTER HIS PELVIS!”
But I guess Jason lives, because he’s in all the scenes where they freak out after discovering the sex tape they filmed was sent to a bunch of iPads they gave to people as gifts. Wait, stop the car. These bitches are handing out iPads like some kind of Steve Jobs Santa Claus? And their solution is to steal them back? Can’t they just do what any normal person would do and fire off an email that says “Unless you wanna see my hungry Popple, I suggest deleting the video I just sent you.” But then we wouldn’t get to see Cammy aggressively snorting Lohan dust with Rob Lowe in Arthur glasses, would we.
The only part I could get on board with was Jason’s explanation of the cloud. WHAT IS THE CLOUD?? A smart person once tried to explain it to me, and I was hospitalized after suffering from a self-inflicted brain stroke (all my brain had to hear was “Well, technically…” before deciding to quit that bitch).
In today’s sermon from Cameron Diaz, the current Pastor of Pussylove United Church, we’ll be taking a break from talking about vaginas. Sadly, the Vagina Series has been put on a temporary hiatus until more comparisons to delicate flowers can be made (several regretful alternate metaphors were tossed around, including comparing the vagina to cheeseburgers and/or Popples). Instead, we’ll be focusing on Pastor Cammy’s theories on female sexuality, specifically the idea of when one woman’s Popple turns inside-out for another woman. When asked about whether she’s ever been attracted to another woman, Pastor Diaz told Glamour UK:
“I think women are beautiful – absolutely beautiful. And I think that all women have been sexually attracted to another woman at some point. It’s natural to have a connectivity and an appreciation for the beauty of other women.”
Normally, I err on the side of Pastor Cammy is Not Smart, but she’s kind of got a point. Personally, I’ve never felt compelled to finger-pop another woman’s Popple, but who knows? I’m still young (or at least, young-adjacent). Maybe one day I’ll see a chick in line at the grocery store buying 2 bags of Cool Ranch ‘Reets and a box of Theraflu, not giving a single fuck that she’s wearing leggings in public and that they’ve got a giant Diet Coke stain on them, and catch myself saying: “Daaaamn! Somebody better call Jesus and tell him an angel is missing from Dirtbag Heaven.” Even if I don’t wanna pop her Popple, I can at least appreciate her beauty.
Here’s more of Cameron Diaz trying to rub her Ya-Ya Sistersnatch up on Leslie Mann at CinemaCon 2014 (whatever the fuck that is) in Las Vegas. Cammy strikes me as the type who’s yoo-hoo is 24/7 horny, so I like to imagine her whispering into Leslie Mann’s ear: “You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Did you know that I made a movie called What Happens in Vegas? Why don’t we go back up to my room and talk about that over a glass of wine and several hits of ecstasy?” And because this whole story has been pretty clam-heavy, it’s only fair that I also include some pictures of Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson at the same event dressed as hot cops: