The trailer for the remake Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz and Rose Byrne is here and I’m still trying to figure out what in hard knock hell is Cameron Diaz doing. But more on her messiness in a second…
This trailer makes the movie look like it’s 100% pure made-for-basic-cable cheese. Watching this trailer made me feel like I was trapped in a room with a bunch of kids, and as some Disney Channel show blared on a TV in the corner they all threw buckets and buckets of fondue at me.
And back to Cameron Diaz’s ass… If Will Smith and the other producers wanted a Miss Hannigan who is not like Miss Hannigan at all, they nailed it. I laughed at Cameron, but only because her Miss Hannigan reminded me of my drunk Salvadorian tia doing an impersonation of Wanda from In Living Color after her 8th “margarita” I put margarita in quotes, because her idea of a margarita is a cup of tequila with a splash of lime.
What I’m trying to say is that this movie is probably going to make billions and billions of dollars and after I drunkenly hate watch it at 3 in the morning I’ll probably declare that Cameron Diaz gave the camp performance of a lifetime.
Because Cameron Diaz is a born-again Mormon for vaginas who’s current job is to ring people’s door bells and ask the person who answers: “Hello! My name is Sister Diaz! Have you heard the most amazing news about your puss?”, she appeared on Chelsea Lately on Monday night to share the secrets of internal life and vaginal salvation contained within her book The Body Book. And for those of you who didn’t think it could get any worse than Cameron Diaz’s thoughts on pubic hair, strap in and prepare yourself for the mental images of Chelsea Handler and Cammy’s Botoxed hoo-hoos:
Opening up Diaz’s book, Handler said, “There’s a diagram of your labia, and for me, the vagina is such an integral part of the body.” The blonds pretended to find Handler’s Bartholin’s glands before Diaz explained, “We think the vagina is on the outside. I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there.” The actress added, “Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs nurturing.”
“So in essence,” Handler said “we should be watering it.”
“Yes, watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment,” Diaz said. “It’s hungry.”
I get that Cammy is worried about all the neglected Hungry Hungry Hoo-Hoos and everything, but does she really think none of us know what the hell is going on down there? Well, aside from her friend Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never looked at her vagina, but probably thinks it resembles a beautifully-carved $1,200 stone box.
Surely Cameron has at least one friend who could have told her “No no, it’s cool. I know the difference between vulvas and vaginas, you don’t need to write a book about it.” Because she’s not a doctor. So why in the hell is she acting like the brand ambassador for lips and clits? Aaaaand I just made the horrible mistake of imagining Cammy’s pizza clit (my imagination ran wild and covered it in pepperoni). Ugh, looks like I need to book another 30-day stay at the Brain Bleach Clinic.
First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.
Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.
“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.”
Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?”
She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.
If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.
When it was announced that Cameron Diaz is playing Miss Hannigan in the remake of Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis and Jamie Foxx, I kind of shrugged since it sort of made sense. Cameron is a messy drunk and if she wasn’t a multi-millionaire actress, she’d definitely take in orphans for the booze money and make them pop her pus-filled zits with their tiny fingers. But now that I’ve seen this dreadful shit right here….
Cameron Diaz gone done up like “a 40-something Miley Cyrus who can’t let go of her twerking glory days” to start shooting as Miss Hannigan in Harlem today. Cameron also threw up a Miss Hannigan selfie on Twitter. She looks like a strung out hood rat who’s standing on her fire escape and waiting for her dealer to pull in his car so she can climb down and use her rent money to buy some of the bad shit. She’s not going to use the stairs, because DUH her landlord will catch her and the rent is due. So basically, she looks like Dina Lohan if Dina Lohan didn’t have Lindsay to pay her bills.
This is going to be a mess. It’s going to be Cameron’s messiest and sloppiest performance since she spread her catfish vagina on the windshield of a Ferrari in The Counselor.
Jason Segel was dating Michelle Williams, but then he covered himself in Elmer’s Glue and stuck his body to her body so they could always, always be together, forever. He was too clingy, so she pried him off and moved on. Cameron Diaz was humping on that Tesla billionaire whose name sounds like the mating scent of a rare donkey, but then I guess her chocha got bored, as it usually does, and she moved on. And now Jason is humping on Cameron (see: above, or maybe that’s a picture of him trying to Heimlich out her doody bubble).
Life & Style says that Jason and Cameron were “cozying” up to each other over dinner at Nick & Toni’s in the Hamptons last night. I never understood that getting “cozy” during dinner shit. When I’m at dinner, the only thing I want to get cozy with is my ravioli, but whatever.
Someone else saw them at Citarella in the Hamptons and wrote on Instagram, “They bought groceries and then drove off together.” I see that Cameron and Jason are copying Kaley Cuoco and Superman, because buying groceries and driving off together was THEIR thing.
Cameron and Jason did Bad Teacher together and they’re about to shoot a movie called Sex Tape together.
Jason Segel is supposedly duct tape and a clinger and probably cries when he pulls out, and Cameron is a proud slut with a free spirit snatch, so if this is true, it’s going to end well.
Sandra Bullock was thinking about taking the role of the child-hating, coal-hearted, drunk orphan mistress Miss Hannigan in the reboot of Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis and Jamie Foxx, but I guess she ultimately decided that she doesn’t hate the ears of the world enough to expose them to her singing voice again. Cameron Diaz on the other hand is not above torturing our ear holes with her auto-tuned yodel……
Deadline says that Annie’s director Will Gluck has cast Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan. I’m going to say the same thing I said when I hooked up with a 5’2″ skinny little dude and he pulled out the original blueprint for The Hammaconda, “I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!” This is not what I expected. Sure, Cameron Diaz can easily play a messy drunk (since her ass is a messy drunk in real life), but can she sing at all? Cameron’s singing was dubbed in The Mask and I’m not counting the drunk cat wail she let out in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Miss Hannigan doesn’t need to have the gorgeous singing voice of an Asian nightingale who’s really into interior design, but I don’t know if Cameron can carry a tune, let alone drag a tune by the hair across a dirt path.
With all that being
said bitched and moaned, Cameron does sort of kind of make sense as Miss Hannigan. I mean, her SANS FARDS face has been known to scare little children into old age, so she could surprise us all!
And poor Paula Deen lost out on another job. You know she was campaigning hard for this role, because getting paid to yell at little black girls is her dream!
Here’s Cameron filming that movie The Other Woman in NYC two days ago.
On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!
On IMDB, the plot for Nick Cassavetes‘ The Other Woman reads like this:
After realizing she is not her boyfriend’s primary lover, a woman teams up with his wife and plots mutual revenge.
If the producers really want to make history by selling out the entire run of their movie before it even hits theaters, they should update the plot to read:
KATE UPTON’S TITS BOUNCE IN THIS!
The Other Woman stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Kate Upton, Taylor Kinney and Nicki Minaj, and Cameron probably thinks that she’s finally going to get top billing again since she’s the biggest star in that cast, but sorry, trick. Kate Upton’s chichis are totally getting top, bottom and middle billing.
Because Nick Cassavetes knows what’s really going to sell his movie, he shot a trampoline scene with Kate, Cameron and Leslie in the Hamptons yesterday. I love how Leslie and Cameron are acting like their parts are really going to end up in the final cut. They should just stand there and file their nails while not giving a hell, because the cutting room floor is where there parts are going to end up. My guess is that Kate Upton plays a character who works as a trampoline trainer/car washer/t-shirt tester/rainstorm marathon runner. So one percent of the movie will be Cameron and the cast talking about how glorious Kate’s tits are and the rest of the movie will be Kate jumping on a trampoline, washing a car in a bikini, testing wet t-shirts and running marathons in the rain. And to avoid that whole chafed nipple thing, Kate will run topless.
Kate’s chichis aren’t as nearly as magnificent as Christina Hendrick’s, but they’re still spectacular. They’re so spectacular that every hour on the hour, a head will pop out from Kate’s side to look at her chichis and say, “Damn, those are spectacular!”
She’s got her own chichi cuckoo clock. And yeah, they might as well rename the movie Kate Upton’s Chichis (and the other woman aka Cameron Diaz).
Cameron Diaz has taken a page out of Salma Hayek’s playbook and decided that dating actors, models and athletes is overrated and boning gold coins out of a billionaire’s dick is really where it’s at. Page Six says that Cameron is casually dating South African-born billionaire Elon Musk, the founder of Tesla and PayPal. Cameron said a while ago that she will get on a plane for some good dick. Well, it looks like she’s traded “traveling commercial for some good dick” for “traveling on a private jet for some average-but-rich-as-hell dick.” That’s what happens when Goopy is your life coach.
Page Six says that Cameron met Elon Musk (that sounds like the name of an anus cologne) when she bought a Tesla earlier this year. Since then, Elon and Cameron have hung out a few times and he regularly makes trips from Tesla’s headquarters in Palo Alto, CA to L.A. where she lives. Reps for Cameron and Elon shut their mouths when Page Six asked about this.
Elon divorced his second wife, Talulah Riley, last year and Cameron’s last full-time boyfriend was A-Rod.
Page Six also says that Elon Musk is the inspiration behind the Iron Man character. Wasn’t the Iron Man character birthed from Marvel’s vagine in the 1960s or something? That Elon Musk dude looks pretty good for 80.
I don’t know why, but I’m getting “Mads Mikkelsen as Dr. Lecter in Hannibal” vibes from Elon Musk. He looks like he serves the guts of hitchhikers to his guests without them knowing it and he probably has a peep hole in his powder room so he can fap while watching his guests pee. But whatever, I guess eating human nipple pasta is a small price to pay for dating a BILLIONAIRE!!!!
Here’s Cameron at the Monaco Grand Pix over the weekend.
Cameron Diaz is single, hops from dude to dude and spends her money on booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube, booze, pussy lube and booze that doubles as pussy lube. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we don’t see any problems with this. But I guess Cameron Diaz wants to grow as a person or whatever, so she’s asked GOOPY Paltrow to be her life coach, because if anybody knows how to rid the shit from your life, it’s her. GOOPY Paltrow is practically a human colonic. Also, when you ask GOOPY to be your life coach, be prepared to escort “Fun” to your front door and hug it while saying, “Fun, I probably won’t see you for a while, but it’s been you. Try not to have too much YOU without me. Bye, girl.“
The Sun says that Cameron thinks she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, so she asked GOOPY to sort her life out. GOOPY showed up to Cameron’s house and after she poured all the booze into the sink and threw away all the bottles of pussy lube, she put a CLOSED sign over Cameron’s sex parts. GOOPY banished the dick from Cameron’s cooch for a full year. The source put the sad news like this:
“Gwyneth’s sorted out everything from finances to hooking her up with her trainer. She has also forced her to swear off sex for a year, saying men distract her focus.”
Having seen The Green Hornet, I know that Cameron makes a lot of bad decisions and maybe she should settle down a bit, but taking a sabbatical from peen for a whole year?! How in the hell is that going to help her to focus? That’s going to make things worse. When Cameron is chanting with the Dalai Lama and GOOP in the mountains of Thailand, it’s going to be really awkward when she stops OM-ing to ask one of the monks if he wants to go behind a rock for a quickie since she hasn’t been laid in 6 months and her coochie has gone into starvation mode. When Cameron is training with Tracy Anderson, it’s going to really ruin their workout when she starts humping one of Tracy’s arms since Tracy’s arm looks like an extra veiny dick shaft. Any doctor will tell you that quitting dick cold turkey is not recommended. You have to wean off the peen.
Just look at me, I have involuntarily quit the dick and it took me 20 minutes to write that last sentence, because I was too distracted with window shopping for uncut peen on Google Images.