Cameron Diaz’s last big acting job was as Miss Hannigan in the Annie remake. That was 2014. Since then, she’s written a lady body manual and got married. But she hasn’t acted in anything since, and the only thing above Annie on her IMDB page is a cameo appearance on the kids show Yo Gabba Gabba. So what has Cammy been doing these past three years? Reassuring Benji Madden his tattoos still look cool? No, she’s been finding herself.
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
Seen above making the same face I make when I buy $100 worth of vegetables in an attempt to convince myself that I will juice every day because juice is delicious and healthy for me and I’ll totally drink it every morning and oh god no no no why does it taste like a beet took a dirty dump in my mouth, unofficial coochie lobbyist Cameron Diaz spoke to Cosmopolitan UK about how you won’t find her posting drowsy porn face selfies on Instagram, because she isn’t here for that nonsense:
“I think social media is a crazy-ass experiment on society. The way people use it to get validation from a bunch of strangers is dangerous. What’s the point?”
Ah, to be a fly on the wall during the conversation that began with a sad-looking Benji Madden complaining that his Cameron tattoo selfie only got 15,200 likes on Instagram. “Babe, what gives? I thought I’d get at least 20.”
I get what Cammy D is saying about social media being dangerous, because I think we’ve all been to that deep, dark place that exists when you combine a lonely night with too much wine and a mental list of your exes. But what I wouldn’t give to read what Cammy has to say on Twitter. I feel like if at any given time you were to enter Cammy’s brain Magic School Bus-style, it would be like a Willy Wonka world of dong thoughts. And that’s practically why Twitter was invented, right? So the good people of this world could read shit like “@CammyDeezNuts: If you get dick lube on your face, don’t worry – just wipe it off with yr panties #tips“.
Here’s Cammy in Cosmo UK working that someone tell the pool boy to fetch me another vodkarita realness, because why not:
Seven weeks after he made it legal with legendary dick hunter and Razzie award-winning actress Cameron Diaz (which, to be honest, is probably six weeks longer than Cammy’s hungry coochie expected this shit to last), Benji Madden went and paid tribute to the current love of his life and partner in questionable decisions by getting her name tattooed across his chest. I’m not familiar with tattoo terminology, but is this what’s known in the body mod biz as a “future cover-up”?
Benji “Not The Cute Dog Benji” Madden posted a picture of his new Cameron chest tattoo to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Thinking bout you❤️❤️❤️ #LuckyMan“, and he didn’t specify who that ‘you’ he was thinking bout, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he was referring to Cameron Diaz. Or maybe it had nothing to do with that tattoo? Maybe it was actually a message to the pirate dentist who did his gold tooth. “Thinking bout you, Scurvy St. Rum-Swiller, DDS – xo #Y’arrr”
Obviously, a famous trick getting another famous trick’s name tattooed on their body is pretty much a guaranteed way for two famous tricks to jinx the hell out of their relationship, but at least Cameron is a generic enough name that he won’t feel too badly when they eventually break up. There are so many options! He could tell people it’s in honor of Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or he could change the E to an apostrophe and say it’s because he’s a huge Cam’ron fan.
Or he could throw in an extra couple of Os, turn it into Cameroooooon, and pay tribute to drag superstar BeBe Zahara Benet. That’s what I’d do.
(via Benji Madden)
The nominations for the Academy Awards’ snarky couch-dwelling little sister (yes I just pictured Angie Tempura), the Razzies, were announced today. Usually I’d be beyond excited from all the warm feelings wrapping themselves around my little cold heart from reading the word “worst” so many times, but unfortunately I’m a little disappointed. No Most Underwhelming Performance nomination for Ben Affleck’s peen in Gone Girl? No Worst nomination for. No Worst Busted Wig for Jennifer Aniston in Cake? No Worst Onscreen Couple nomination for Kim and Kanye Kardashian for any video from their wedding?
But they did manage to recognize all the terrible work Cameron Diaz did this year, and that’s something – because she truly did some embarrassing shit in 2014 (and I’m not talking about humping on Benji Madden). Cammy D got two nominations for Worst Actress for The Other Woman and Sex Tape, one Worst Supporting Actress for Annie, and one Worst Screen Combo with Jason Segel for Sex Tape. And yet no nomination for Worst Screen Combo for Cammy and her vocal cords in Annie? Come on guys – that seems like a pretty obvious oversight.
Also receiving nominations for Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Combo was Rod Flanders’ human equivalent Kirk Cameron and his film Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus just high-fived God and said “Good. Saving Christmas was the worst birthday present I’ve ever received.”
The whole list of nominees is after the cut, including a new category called the Redeemer Award, which is exactly as WTF as you can imagine.
Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!
Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold
feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:
“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”
Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?
UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.
Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.