Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.
I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”
“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.
Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).
It looks like Pastor Cameron Diaz of the Pussylove United Church found a volunteer to fill in for her at the Pussy Outreach Centre for At-Risk Vaginas, because she’s taken a brief hiatus from preaching the word of the good book and give a non-labia-related interview to InStyle magazine. Pastor Cammy reveals that she has started to question the long-held belief that one should worship at the altar of one set of genitals for the rest of our lives:
“A lot of people chase after it because they’ve been told, ‘This equals happiness.’ They chase it, they get it, and they find out, ‘Why did I think this was going to make me happy? I’m miserable!’ I don’t know if anyone is really naturally monogamous. We all have the same instincts as animals. But we live in a society where it’s been ingrained in us to do these things.”
I’m sorry, Pastor Cammy, but you lost me the second you compared human monogamy to animal monogamy. Animals are sluts who will hump anything regardless of sex, species, or vital status. I once saw a dog hump on a dead raccoon, and the whole time his eyes were scanning for his next hole (no romance with that one). And of course there are some hump-hungry human sluts out there (The Deaner, for example) but for the most part, I think humans like to settle down with that one special someone who makes their parts tingle, right? I mean, it sure saves on rent.
And something tells me Pastor Cammy just received an email from Gwyneth Paltrow that said: “Hi Cameron. Do me a favour and go back to talking about vaginas, because I’ve sort of already cornered the market on insufferable quotes about questioning monogamy.”
If the whole point of the trailer for Sex Tape was to be a confusing mess, then A+ work, trailer people. Right off the bat, the image of a nearly-naked Jason Segel was dumped on my eyes, and normally I’d be all for seeing that human connect-the-dots game get his fuck on (I have a thing for mole-covered moobs; pray for me) but he’s lost a ton of weight and it looked like Cameron Diaz is sexing on The Machinist. Literally the second Cammy rolled up on him in a pair of roller skates and her nipples bugging out, I couldn’t help but scream: “NO! HE’S CLEARLY A SICK MAN! YOU’LL SHATTER HIS PELVIS!”
But I guess Jason lives, because he’s in all the scenes where they freak out after discovering the sex tape they filmed was sent to a bunch of iPads they gave to people as gifts. Wait, stop the car. These bitches are handing out iPads like some kind of Steve Jobs Santa Claus? And their solution is to steal them back? Can’t they just do what any normal person would do and fire off an email that says “Unless you wanna see my hungry Popple, I suggest deleting the video I just sent you.” But then we wouldn’t get to see Cammy aggressively snorting Lohan dust with Rob Lowe in Arthur glasses, would we.
The only part I could get on board with was Jason’s explanation of the cloud. WHAT IS THE CLOUD?? A smart person once tried to explain it to me, and I was hospitalized after suffering from a self-inflicted brain stroke (all my brain had to hear was “Well, technically…” before deciding to quit that bitch).
In today’s sermon from Cameron Diaz, the current Pastor of Pussylove United Church, we’ll be taking a break from talking about vaginas. Sadly, the Vagina Series has been put on a temporary hiatus until more comparisons to delicate flowers can be made (several regretful alternate metaphors were tossed around, including comparing the vagina to cheeseburgers and/or Popples). Instead, we’ll be focusing on Pastor Cammy’s theories on female sexuality, specifically the idea of when one woman’s Popple turns inside-out for another woman. When asked about whether she’s ever been attracted to another woman, Pastor Diaz told Glamour UK:
“I think women are beautiful – absolutely beautiful. And I think that all women have been sexually attracted to another woman at some point. It’s natural to have a connectivity and an appreciation for the beauty of other women.”
Normally, I err on the side of Pastor Cammy is Not Smart, but she’s kind of got a point. Personally, I’ve never felt compelled to finger-pop another woman’s Popple, but who knows? I’m still young (or at least, young-adjacent). Maybe one day I’ll see a chick in line at the grocery store buying 2 bags of Cool Ranch ‘Reets and a box of Theraflu, not giving a single fuck that she’s wearing leggings in public and that they’ve got a giant Diet Coke stain on them, and catch myself saying: “Daaaamn! Somebody better call Jesus and tell him an angel is missing from Dirtbag Heaven.” Even if I don’t wanna pop her Popple, I can at least appreciate her beauty.
Here’s more of Cameron Diaz trying to rub her Ya-Ya Sistersnatch up on Leslie Mann at CinemaCon 2014 (whatever the fuck that is) in Las Vegas. Cammy strikes me as the type who’s yoo-hoo is 24/7 horny, so I like to imagine her whispering into Leslie Mann’s ear: “You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Did you know that I made a movie called What Happens in Vegas? Why don’t we go back up to my room and talk about that over a glass of wine and several hits of ecstasy?” And because this whole story has been pretty clam-heavy, it’s only fair that I also include some pictures of Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson at the same event dressed as hot cops:
Ever since Cameron Diaz created a religion around staring down reality in a 12x magnifying mirror and started devoting all her time to spreading the good word of The Body Book, I’ve received more unsolicited advice about pussies and pubes than the first time I walked in on a group of shameless old ladies showering at the public pool. So I’m thankful she decided to skip the exhaustive chapter on vaginas during her latest doorbell ring and focus on wrinkly faces instead. E! says that in an upcoming OWN special, Cameron Diaz & Sharon Stone: Aging Gracefully, Cameron gets real with Oprah about how difficult and depressing it is not look like a Seventeen cover model anymore.
“Women don’t allow other women to age gracefully, and we don’t give ourselves permission to age gracefully. And they’re trying. For me I feel like if I—it’s almost as if we have failed if we don’t remain 25 for the rest of our lives. Like we are failures. It’s a personal…failure. Like our fault that at 40 years old that I still don’t look like I’m 25.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I apologize,” Diaz says, feigning indignance as the audience laughs and applauds. ”I wasn’t able to defy nature.”
I’ll slow clap for Cameron for admitting what we already know: that aging sucks and everyone’s face gets old and that Botox makes you look about as natural as a fucking piece of wax fruit. It’s a nice change from the 40-year-old actresses who’s faces has been pulled tighter than a pair of size small Spanx over a Kardashian’s ass talking about their secret to youth being “good genes, 8 glasses of water, and lots of sleep”. Which is complete bullshit because you could chug the contents of a water cooler and sleep like a sloth that swallowed the contents of a tranq dart, and still wake up every morning with Clint Eastwood’s eyes and Harry Styles’s skin.
And if Cameron is wondering who’s doorbell she should ring next, someone should casually slip her Renee Zellweger’s home address.
The trailer for the remake Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz and Rose Byrne is here and I’m still trying to figure out what in hard knock hell is Cameron Diaz doing. But more on her messiness in a second…
This trailer makes the movie look like it’s 100% pure made-for-basic-cable cheese. Watching this trailer made me feel like I was trapped in a room with a bunch of kids, and as some Disney Channel show blared on a TV in the corner they all threw buckets and buckets of fondue at me.
And back to Cameron Diaz’s ass… If Will Smith and the other producers wanted a Miss Hannigan who is not like Miss Hannigan at all, they nailed it. I laughed at Cameron, but only because her Miss Hannigan reminded me of my drunk Salvadorian tia doing an impersonation of Wanda from In Living Color after her 8th “margarita” I put margarita in quotes, because her idea of a margarita is a cup of tequila with a splash of lime.
What I’m trying to say is that this movie is probably going to make billions and billions of dollars and after I drunkenly hate watch it at 3 in the morning I’ll probably declare that Cameron Diaz gave the camp performance of a lifetime.
Because Cameron Diaz is a born-again Mormon for vaginas who’s current job is to ring people’s door bells and ask the person who answers: “Hello! My name is Sister Diaz! Have you heard the most amazing news about your puss?”, she appeared on Chelsea Lately on Monday night to share the secrets of internal life and vaginal salvation contained within her book The Body Book. And for those of you who didn’t think it could get any worse than Cameron Diaz’s thoughts on pubic hair, strap in and prepare yourself for the mental images of Chelsea Handler and Cammy’s Botoxed hoo-hoos:
Opening up Diaz’s book, Handler said, “There’s a diagram of your labia, and for me, the vagina is such an integral part of the body.” The blonds pretended to find Handler’s Bartholin’s glands before Diaz explained, “We think the vagina is on the outside. I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there.” The actress added, “Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs nurturing.”
“So in essence,” Handler said “we should be watering it.”
“Yes, watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment,” Diaz said. “It’s hungry.”
I get that Cammy is worried about all the neglected Hungry Hungry Hoo-Hoos and everything, but does she really think none of us know what the hell is going on down there? Well, aside from her friend Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never looked at her vagina, but probably thinks it resembles a beautifully-carved $1,200 stone box.
Surely Cameron has at least one friend who could have told her “No no, it’s cool. I know the difference between vulvas and vaginas, you don’t need to write a book about it.” Because she’s not a doctor. So why in the hell is she acting like the brand ambassador for lips and clits? Aaaaand I just made the horrible mistake of imagining Cammy’s pizza clit (my imagination ran wild and covered it in pepperoni). Ugh, looks like I need to book another 30-day stay at the Brain Bleach Clinic.
First of all, Happy New Year to all! I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that whoever you kissed at midnight didn’t give you mouth herpes.
Let’s just dive right into an excerpt from Cameron Diaz’s The Body Book (via Radar) from the “In Praise of Pubes” section because who doesn’t want to keep the nausea going past the first of the year? YOU’RE WELCOME.
“I hear that there’s a big fad these days of young women undergoing laser hair removal on all of their lady bits,” Diaz writes. “… Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea. Forever? I know you may think you’ll be wearing the same style of shoes forever and the same style of jeans forever, but you won’t. The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people.”
Then — fair warning — Diaz gets a little graphic. “Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it a little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness,” Diaz intones. “Pubes keep the goods private, which can entice a lover to come and take a closer look at what you have to offer. Also, let’s be honest: just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless vagina for the rest of your life?”
She continues, “It’s a personal decision, but I’m just putting it out there: Consider leaving your vagina fully dressed, ladies. Twenty years from now, you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is.”
Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Unless you have some seriously mutant pube shit happening, vaginas ARE hairless because that’s the part on the inside. I’m all for anybody doing their bush up however they please- Brazilian, landing strip, shaving everything but the bikini line so it looks like sideburns, or a full-on Afro Circus getup complete with rainbow colors; I. Don’t. Care. But if you’re going to wax poetic about something like that, at least get your terminology right. Thanks a fucking lot for the imagery of sagging puss lips, too. Do they have a version of kegels for the outside? I’m uh… asking for a friend.
If you’re still with me (and haven’t gone to Google that labia kegel thing and if you have, please email me for purely scientific purposes), the last part of what Cameron wrote sounds like it belongs on an abstinence pamphlet at a parochial school. No offense, Cammy, but I definitely want my bush whacked back a little when I “present my gift” to that special someone and by “special someone”, I mean whoever has the misfortune of getting an upskirt shot when I fall off my barstool on Friday night.
When it was announced that Cameron Diaz is playing Miss Hannigan in the remake of Annie starring Quvenzhané Wallis and Jamie Foxx, I kind of shrugged since it sort of made sense. Cameron is a messy drunk and if she wasn’t a multi-millionaire actress, she’d definitely take in orphans for the booze money and make them pop her pus-filled zits with their tiny fingers. But now that I’ve seen this dreadful shit right here….
Cameron Diaz gone done up like “a 40-something Miley Cyrus who can’t let go of her twerking glory days” to start shooting as Miss Hannigan in Harlem today. Cameron also threw up a Miss Hannigan selfie on Twitter. She looks like a strung out hood rat who’s standing on her fire escape and waiting for her dealer to pull in his car so she can climb down and use her rent money to buy some of the bad shit. She’s not going to use the stairs, because DUH her landlord will catch her and the rent is due. So basically, she looks like Dina Lohan if Dina Lohan didn’t have Lindsay to pay her bills.
This is going to be a mess. It’s going to be Cameron’s messiest and sloppiest performance since she spread her catfish vagina on the windshield of a Ferrari in The Counselor.
Jason Segel was dating Michelle Williams, but then he covered himself in Elmer’s Glue and stuck his body to her body so they could always, always be together, forever. He was too clingy, so she pried him off and moved on. Cameron Diaz was humping on that Tesla billionaire whose name sounds like the mating scent of a rare donkey, but then I guess her chocha got bored, as it usually does, and she moved on. And now Jason is humping on Cameron (see: above, or maybe that’s a picture of him trying to Heimlich out her doody bubble).
Life & Style says that Jason and Cameron were “cozying” up to each other over dinner at Nick & Toni’s in the Hamptons last night. I never understood that getting “cozy” during dinner shit. When I’m at dinner, the only thing I want to get cozy with is my ravioli, but whatever.
Someone else saw them at Citarella in the Hamptons and wrote on Instagram, “They bought groceries and then drove off together.” I see that Cameron and Jason are copying Kaley Cuoco and Superman, because buying groceries and driving off together was THEIR thing.
Cameron and Jason did Bad Teacher together and they’re about to shoot a movie called Sex Tape together.
Jason Segel is supposedly duct tape and a clinger and probably cries when he pulls out, and Cameron is a proud slut with a free spirit snatch, so if this is true, it’s going to end well.