If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
Seen above making the same face I make when I buy $100 worth of vegetables in an attempt to convince myself that I will juice every day because juice is delicious and healthy for me and I’ll totally drink it every morning and oh god no no no why does it taste like a beet took a dirty dump in my mouth, unofficial coochie lobbyist Cameron Diaz spoke to Cosmopolitan UK about how you won’t find her posting drowsy porn face selfies on Instagram, because she isn’t here for that nonsense:
“I think social media is a crazy-ass experiment on society. The way people use it to get validation from a bunch of strangers is dangerous. What’s the point?”
Ah, to be a fly on the wall during the conversation that began with a sad-looking Benji Madden complaining that his Cameron tattoo selfie only got 15,200 likes on Instagram. “Babe, what gives? I thought I’d get at least 20.”
I get what Cammy D is saying about social media being dangerous, because I think we’ve all been to that deep, dark place that exists when you combine a lonely night with too much wine and a mental list of your exes. But what I wouldn’t give to read what Cammy has to say on Twitter. I feel like if at any given time you were to enter Cammy’s brain Magic School Bus-style, it would be like a Willy Wonka world of dong thoughts. And that’s practically why Twitter was invented, right? So the good people of this world could read shit like “@CammyDeezNuts: If you get dick lube on your face, don’t worry – just wipe it off with yr panties #tips“.
Here’s Cammy in Cosmo UK working that someone tell the pool boy to fetch me another vodkarita realness, because why not:
Seven weeks after he made it legal with legendary dick hunter and Razzie award-winning actress Cameron Diaz (which, to be honest, is probably six weeks longer than Cammy’s hungry coochie expected this shit to last), Benji Madden went and paid tribute to the current love of his life and partner in questionable decisions by getting her name tattooed across his chest. I’m not familiar with tattoo terminology, but is this what’s known in the body mod biz as a “future cover-up”?
Benji “Not The Cute Dog Benji” Madden posted a picture of his new Cameron chest tattoo to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Thinking bout you❤️❤️❤️ #LuckyMan“, and he didn’t specify who that ‘you’ he was thinking bout, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he was referring to Cameron Diaz. Or maybe it had nothing to do with that tattoo? Maybe it was actually a message to the pirate dentist who did his gold tooth. “Thinking bout you, Scurvy St. Rum-Swiller, DDS – xo #Y’arrr”
Obviously, a famous trick getting another famous trick’s name tattooed on their body is pretty much a guaranteed way for two famous tricks to jinx the hell out of their relationship, but at least Cameron is a generic enough name that he won’t feel too badly when they eventually break up. There are so many options! He could tell people it’s in honor of Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or he could change the E to an apostrophe and say it’s because he’s a huge Cam’ron fan.
Or he could throw in an extra couple of Os, turn it into Cameroooooon, and pay tribute to drag superstar BeBe Zahara Benet. That’s what I’d do.
(via Benji Madden)
The nominations for the Academy Awards’ snarky couch-dwelling little sister (yes I just pictured Angie Tempura), the Razzies, were announced today. Usually I’d be beyond excited from all the warm feelings wrapping themselves around my little cold heart from reading the word “worst” so many times, but unfortunately I’m a little disappointed. No Most Underwhelming Performance nomination for Ben Affleck’s peen in Gone Girl? No Worst nomination for. No Worst Busted Wig for Jennifer Aniston in Cake? No Worst Onscreen Couple nomination for Kim and Kanye Kardashian for any video from their wedding?
But they did manage to recognize all the terrible work Cameron Diaz did this year, and that’s something – because she truly did some embarrassing shit in 2014 (and I’m not talking about humping on Benji Madden). Cammy D got two nominations for Worst Actress for The Other Woman and Sex Tape, one Worst Supporting Actress for Annie, and one Worst Screen Combo with Jason Segel for Sex Tape. And yet no nomination for Worst Screen Combo for Cammy and her vocal cords in Annie? Come on guys – that seems like a pretty obvious oversight.
Also receiving nominations for Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Combo was Rod Flanders’ human equivalent Kirk Cameron and his film Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus just high-fived God and said “Good. Saving Christmas was the worst birthday present I’ve ever received.”
The whole list of nominees is after the cut, including a new category called the Redeemer Award, which is exactly as WTF as you can imagine.
Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!
Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold
feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:
“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”
Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?
UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.
Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.
Holy crap, that was fast. After dating for all of 3 seconds and being engaged for 0.05 seconds, UsWeekly says that Cameron Diaz will make the humanoid Tech Deck logo Benji Madden her first husband tonight. Slow down Cammy; it’s not The Amazing Race. Just because you didn’t get tired of him after the first 24-hours doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or does it? Someone ask relationship expert Steve Harvey.
According to UsWeekly, you better get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a monogrammed toaster or whatever, because Cameron and Benji hosted a rehearsal dinner last night in Beverly Hills, which means they are for real getting married. Not much else in known, like where it’s happening (I’m guessing either on the beach or inside the Hot Topic at the Glendale Galleria), if Benji will wear dirty Chuck Taylors with his tuxedo (he will), or who is invited. But all I really care about is whether or not someone made Cammy a custom wedding cake covered in fondant penises that spells out “Bye girl! We’ll miss you!”
But Cammy can’t get married yet – she never even had a bachelorette party! How do I know she didn’t? Trust me, if she had one, there would have been a major spike in cases of male stripper-related exhaustion. And since I haven’t heard of any male strippers with PTSD from hearing that horny bitch Cameron Diaz scream “CAMMY DEMANDS MORE DICKS!“, I will assume it never happened. Or maybe she plans on holding her bachelorette party after the wedding? That would be the smart thing to do.
Sluts of the world, let’s all gather around and pour out a cup of ass lube for one of our slut idols Cameron Diaz, because apparently she’s retiring from the ho shit game to marry a Madden. UsWeekly says that the couple, whose nickname should be ????? because they are the epitome of random, are really engaged after bumping overgrown crotch bushes for 7 months. Rumors about Cameron being engaged to human Monster Energy can Benji Madden have been going around for a while now, but a source tells UsWeekly that it’s really true this time. Well, at least us sluts got Kate Hudson back.
Some source says that 35-year-old Benji is the kind of trick who is always falling in love with a new lady, but this time it’s really ~true love~ and he wants to make 42-year-old Cameron Diaz his first wife. Cameron doesn’t need to get married, but she does want babies and Benji is a traditional tramp who won’t have kids unless he’s married. The source dribbled out these words about Cameron becoming Nicole Richie’s future sister-in-law:
“Everyone thinks it’s wild but are so happy for them. Benji always tends to fall in love easily, but this time it’s for real and he landed a great girl. They obviously both make each other incredibly happy and there’s nothing better than that. He is more traditional then her. She really doesn’t care about getting married but wants babies. He wants to get engaged and married first.”
I know Cameron has had more douches in her than the feminine hygiene product aisle at CVS, so it sort of makes sense that she’s hard up for a dude who looks like a member of Douches of Anarchy and boned Parasite Hilton dozens of times. But if you’re going to settle down with a douche, you should at least settle down with a top douche. Benji Madden isn’t even in the top 10 of the Biggest Douches in the World list. Is Dane Cook not available or something?
Also, Cameron Diaz has said before that she doesn’t want kids. So either the source (read: UsWeekly’s fall intern) is lying or Benji’s dick has serious powers. If this story is true and Cameron has really changed her mind about wanting kids, then Benji should name his dick “Obi-Wan Peenobi” because it knows how to bust out some Jedi Mind Tricks on a piece.
Here’s Cameron wearing a ring on THAT finger in London three days ago.
Okay, maybe just one comment: WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
If you’re sitting there thinking “I’m sorry, but when did these two rub down-lows?“, then we’re both in the same boat, because I sure as hell don’t remember Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy being a couple. Then again, I spent most of the mid-2000s pickling my brain with Dr. Pepper and cheap red wine (I called it a “Medical Malpractice”), so I might have just forgotten. But according to Us Weekly, Cammy and Diddy did do the dirty d a couple times back in the day, and now Diddy gets sad when he thinks about it.
A source claims that Diddy was at dinner with some friends and they started talking about Cammy and her new boyfriend, human dirty lip ring Benji Madden. That’s when Diddy got all misty-eyed and said:
“If I could turn back time, things would be different! She’s the sexiest girl in the world.”
I want to feel bad for Sad Diddy, but all I can think of after hearing Diddy say “If I could turn back time” is Diddy working the hell out of a full-body fishnet onesie for a bunch of rowdy sailors on a battleship, and it’s making me far too happy.
I don’t blame Diddy for wishing he was still with Cameron, because that bitch seems like all sorts of fun. But you can’t tame a carefree slut like Cammy D; to do so would be like clipping a slutty sparrow’s wings. Besides, even if he was able to get back together with Cameron, it wouldn’t last long. Cameron needs to fulfill her destiny as a shamelessly horny Miami cougar. You need to set her free, Diddy – the 24-year-old pool boys of the future are depending on it!
It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.