Category: Call 911

Yup, The CW Completely CW-fied “Dynasty” 

May 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.

The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.

The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.

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Chris Brown Caught One Of His Fans Trying To Live In His House

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Prepare your “She don’t love herself” GIFs; this story will require all of them. According to TMZ, when Chris Brown returned from his punch-throwing asshole’s retreat in Las Vegas this weekend, he discovered that a woman had been living in his house while he was gone. The only problem was, he wasn’t expecting any house guests.

Chris first realized something was weird when he arrived home last night around 9pm and found women’s clothing in the foyer. Chris was there with some of his friends, so they started looking around the house and they found someone had spray painted the words “I LOVE YOU” on his kitchen counter and “MRS. BROWN” on two of his cars. Eventually they made their way up to Chris’ bedroom, and that’s where he found a 21-year-old woman naked in his bed. Chris called the police, and they arrested the woman for felony burglary and felony vandalism.

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Get Thee Back, Sam Lutfi!

October 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Amanda Bynes got checked into a mental health facility right after she tweeted luuuuuv to Sam Lutfi, and those two events are related. Yeah, duh, but it gets even worse than alarmingly bad character judgement. Everyone whose eyebrows immediately retreated into their hairlines and saw dancing pink wigs at the mention of his name gets a cookie (you’ll have to yell at your SO/kid/mom to get one of yours if you have some…sorry, I’m broke), because Sam was supposedly the one who tricked her into coming to LA to be guest of honor at a 5150 surprise party.

You may remember Sam from Britney Spears‘ 2008 breakdown, the one her parents accused him of bringing on by slipping Brit nefarious drug cocktails. No, I’m sure that he is a misunderstood hero that just has happens to have an odd penchant for being closely involved with fragile women when they are teetering on the edge and only has their best interests at heart. Sam is the one who supposedly tricked Amanda into going to LA, per TMZ:

Sam Lutfi…contacted Amanda Thursday and convinced her to sue her parents. He got her to fly to L.A. so he could hook her up with a lawyer.  …[Then] the driver went to a Pasadena hospital which looked like an office building.  Amanda thought she was going to see the lawyer but when she walked inside she was surrounded by hospital staff.

Amanda got checked into a psych ward for a few days and her parents reportedly view Sam as a saviour and are going to publicly thank him, right after they transfer money to a Nigerian prince who will then dump millions of dollars into their bank account.

Girl needs a hug and unfortunately for her she turned to Sam, who had his arms wide open while his heart tearfully put the lotion on its skin in the corner. How is it that all roads to Not Okay, CA make a stop at Sam Station? How does he get in with these women? Amanda and all famous and semi-famous ladies, listen. When you see someone listed as “5150callme” and his profile pic features a photobomb of side eye-ing sharks nervously holding up a <–PREDATOR sign, resist the urge to click. You don’t want to know that guy.

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