Category: Bye Bitch

“Duck Dynasty” Is Going Away After 11 Seasons

November 17, 2016 / Posted by:

If whoever put together that masterpiece ad lost their job, may Mariah Carey’s Photoshop team hire them immediately because they have some next-level skills.

Cabela’s answer to ZZ Top (aka The Robertson family) pulled out their hunting rifles and shot down their show Duck Dynasty after 5 years and 130 episodes. All of the ducks in Louisiana did a celebratory conga line…. until they realized that only the show is gone, not the family and so they flew for their lives while trying to remember to not get horny when Phil Robertson blows his family’s mating call whistle.

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Shailene Woodley Doesn’t Want Anything To Do With That Made-For-TV “Divergent” Movie

September 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Hollywood actress with a heart of organic patchouli Shailene Woodley may have started out her career on television, but that doesn’t mean she wants to go back there any time soon. Shailene Woodley is a movie actress now. And she recently said that there’s no way she’s going to slum it on (chokes back bone broth barf) television if the final film in the Divergent series is released there.

In July we learned that thanks to the poor box office numbers that Divergent: Allegiant brought in, Lionsgate was thinking about releasing the fourth and final film, Ascendant, as a made-for-TV movie or a television series. Ascendant hasn’t started filming yet. One thing is for sure: they better start auditioning brown-haired actresses for the part of Tris. Shailene tells Screen Rant (via Entertainment Weekly) that she will not show up on the first day of shooting if Ascendant is the kind of thing that will pop up in a future TV Guide.

“Last I heard they were trying to make it into a television show. I didn’t sign up to be in a television show. Out of respect to the studio and everyone in involved, they may have changed their mind and may be doing something different, but I’m not necessarily interested in doing a television show.”

I can see where Shailene is coming from. This would be like agreeing to drive 45 minutes for a date at the Cheesecake Factory and then getting a text message while you’re waxing your crotch that says “Just checked my bank balance. Can we change it to cheesecake bites from Sonic?” Um, no we can’t. Do not try to bait-and-switch me with a drive-through when I was promised the luxury of the Cheesecake Factory.

Pic: Splash

Oscar Pistorius Sentenced To Six Years In Prison For Murdering Reeva Steenkamp

July 6, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on Oscar Pistorius, a dude whose face looks like the prototype for every rich suspect on Law & Order: SVU, South Africa’s Supreme Court of Appeals had bumped up his previous conviction of “culpable homicide” to the way more serious conviction of “murder” of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. There was a time (around that “culpable homicide” conviction) where there was talk that Oscar Pistorius wouldn’t feel the cold steel of a prison toilet under his ass. But that time is long gone. BBC News says that earlier today a judge sentenced Oscar Pistorius to six years in prison.

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Joe Giudice Began His 41 Month Prison Sentence Today

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Today has been one hell of a hump day for two dark-haired members of the Real Housewives franchise family. In New York City, Bethenny Frankel is joyfully rolling around in a pile of torn-up alimony checks. But across the river in New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is crying salty black eyeliner tears into her mid-afternoon glass of peach Fabellini while screaming “JOOOOOOE!!!“. That’s right, Juicy Joe is now Juicy Prison Inmate Joe.

The Giudice family lawyer confirmed to UsWeekly that Joe Giudice lumbered into the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution in New Jersey today at noon to serve his 41 month prison sentence for wire and bankruptcy fraud. Joe was escorted into his home for the next couple of years by Teresa, his brother, his sister, and a bunch of other Giudices. Teresa will look after their four Giudettes while Joe is in the big house, just like how Joe did for Teresa when she was locked up last year.

Maybe it’s because I have the story of another locked-up bottom-rung celebrity degenerate still fresh on my mind, but I can’t help but wonder how Joe will do in prison. I don’t know much about being locked up, but I do know the best way to ensure that nobody fucks with you is to establish yourself as totally fucking crazy. And what better way to prove it than by going around and introducing yourself as Teresa Giudice’s husband. “Don’t piss him off, man – I heard he’s real close with the Babadook-looking table flipper from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Pic: Teresa Giudice

Sony Is Planning To Dump Dr. Luke’s Ass To Save Face (Update)

March 9, 2016 / Posted by:

When Sony heard the cries from people begging them to #FreeKesha, they burped up a statement saying that they can’t let Kesha out of her contract even if they wanted to. Kesha’s contract is with Dr. Luke’s label Kemosabe, which is a subsidiary of Sony. Sony said that only Dr. Luke can tear up his contract with Kesha, and he’s obviously not looking to do that. They basically said, “Your beef is with that bitch so stopping ringing our door bell.” But Sony’s pristine reputation kept getting smeared with chunky skid marks. One of their biggest stars Adele showed her support for Kesha as did Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Kelly Clarkson who called Dr. Luke “not a good person.” Sony is reportedly looking to wash their hands of Dr. Luke before the situation really screws with their cash.

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Attention Citizens Of Mexico: Your Country Is Now Bieber-Free!

January 9, 2016 / Posted by:

I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.

So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.

TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.

Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.

Pic: Splash

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