The last time we checked in on Oscar Pistorius, a dude whose face looks like the prototype for every rich suspect on Law & Order: SVU, South Africa’s Supreme Court of Appeals had bumped up his previous conviction of “culpable homicide” to the way more serious conviction of “murder” of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. There was a time (around that “culpable homicide” conviction) where there was talk that Oscar Pistorius wouldn’t feel the cold steel of a prison toilet under his ass. But that time is long gone. BBC News says that earlier today a judge sentenced Oscar Pistorius to six years in prison.
Today has been one hell of a hump day for two dark-haired members of the Real Housewives franchise family. In New York City, Bethenny Frankel is joyfully rolling around in a pile of torn-up alimony checks. But across the river in New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is crying salty black eyeliner tears into her mid-afternoon glass of peach Fabellini while screaming “JOOOOOOE!!!“. That’s right, Juicy Joe is now Juicy Prison Inmate Joe.
The Giudice family lawyer confirmed to UsWeekly that Joe Giudice lumbered into the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution in New Jersey today at noon to serve his 41 month prison sentence for wire and bankruptcy fraud. Joe was escorted into his home for the next couple of years by Teresa, his brother, his sister, and a bunch of other Giudices. Teresa will look after their four Giudettes while Joe is in the big house, just like how Joe did for Teresa when she was locked up last year.
Maybe it’s because I have the story of another locked-up bottom-rung celebrity degenerate still fresh on my mind, but I can’t help but wonder how Joe will do in prison. I don’t know much about being locked up, but I do know the best way to ensure that nobody fucks with you is to establish yourself as totally fucking crazy. And what better way to prove it than by going around and introducing yourself as Teresa Giudice’s husband. “Don’t piss him off, man – I heard he’s real close with the Babadook-looking table flipper from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Pic: Teresa Giudice
When Sony heard the cries from people begging them to #FreeKesha, they burped up a statement saying that they can’t let Kesha out of her contract even if they wanted to. Kesha’s contract is with Dr. Luke’s label Kemosabe, which is a subsidiary of Sony. Sony said that only Dr. Luke can tear up his contract with Kesha, and he’s obviously not looking to do that. They basically said, “Your beef is with that bitch so stopping ringing our door bell.” But Sony’s pristine reputation kept getting smeared with chunky skid marks. One of their biggest stars Adele showed her support for Kesha as did Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Kelly Clarkson who called Dr. Luke “not a good person.” Sony is reportedly looking to wash their hands of Dr. Luke before the situation really screws with their cash.
I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.
So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.
TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.
Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.
Oscar Pistorius will soon have to say goodbye to the 1800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in his luxurious house arrest prison and once again say hello to 0 count cardboard sheets in the chokey, because South Africa’s Supreme Court of Appeals upgraded a lower court’s ruling of “culpable homicide” to “murder.” The Supreme Court of Appeals found him guilty of murdering his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.
With Caitlyn Jenner, Iran, El Chapo, hairy butt zit Donald Trump and the cat with his head stuck in a cup (that’s CNN’s top story, right?) taking over the news, TLC quietly scratched out the “TLC Hearts The Duggars” that was etched into the tree outside of their offices and announced that they have washed their hands of 19 Kids and Counting. TLC probably announced it on the down-low, because they don’t want God to find out and strike them dead for turning their backs on a good Christian family!!! Cut to God filing his nails and rolling his eyes like “whatever” after reading TLC’s announcement.