There’s literally nowhere this stuck-up snobby piece of stale PAAAASSS-ta could move without pissing off her neighbors. She could buy a deserted island in the middle of the ocean with no sign of human life for miles and miles, and she’d find a way to piss off the fish. On the upside, business would be booming for Ursula the Sea Witch, because every fish in a 100-mile radius would be banging down her door and begging her: “Forget the contract, just skip to the part where you kill me and turn me into a withered ass pimple.”
Because Gwyneth Paltrow is about as tolerable as an air-cured 100-mile artisinal shit, it’s easy to imagine the smile on her neighbors’s faces when they found out that her and Chris Martin would be selling their home in the Belsize Park area of North London. According to The Daily Star (via The Daily Mail), the neighbors hate them because the minute they moved in, they turned the street into a non-stop episode of Property Brothers (minus hot twins):
One resident told the paper: ‘We have had years of their building works. They have taken down trees so they can park their flash cars in the driveway and they put a huge swimming pool in the back garden.’
Another neighbour said: ‘The trouble is that it will probably be a similar sort that moves in and we’ll have this all over again.’
You can breathe a sigh of relief, Another Neighbor, because I can guarantee that you will never find another human alive who is more annoying or insufferable than Gwyneth Paltrow. That family of giant obnoxious boogers from the Mucinex commercials could move in and it would still be more tolerable than having to listen to non-stop Coldplay and finding your mail box stuffed with soy-ink letterpress pamphlets about hand-woven organic spirituality hammocks or the newest trend in brickwork. “I had all my bricks custom-shaped by the hooves of an endangered breed of Peruvian Llama. You should too, because your house is fugly and I hate it. Xo Your neighbor, Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.”
The hat: “No, I won’t go without you! Stop pushing me off!”
The hair: “Save yourself! It’s your only chance to escape this douchebag!”
It looks like America’s love affair with Justin Bieber might be over (sarcasm deluxe with a side of shade). According to The Guardian (via HuffPo), thousands of Americans have signed a petition uploaded to the White House website by Detroit resident J.A. demanding the Obama administration deport the little ass-cramp back to Canada and throw his green card into the oval office document shredder. Currently, the petition has over 100,000 signatures, which means that there are 100,000 Americans I need to track down and kiss on the mouth, but also that the petition has met the minimum requirement needed for an official White House response. The petition is as follows:
“We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture. We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nations youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society.”
That seems long. I’m sure he could have just submitted the following:
“We the people of the United States can all agree that Justin Bieber is a major dickhead, THE-fucking-END. Please evict his ass the legal way before we take matters into our own hands and pull some War of 1812 shit by firing him out of a cannon back over the border.”
I know that Americans think they can deport him back to Canada, but – BREAKING STORY – Canadians hate him even more and they don’t want him either. We sold his ass to Usher for a pack of American Spirits and a case of Diet Cherry Coke a long time ago, and we consider him your problem now. I think a solution both Canada and America can agree on would be to purchase him a one-way ticket to that island from Pinoccio where all the bad boys hang out and do hood rat stuff till they turn into donkeys (too late, he’s already a huge ass).
Shit is going down with the Katharine McPhee/married former “Smash” director Michael Morris hook up. They were caught exchanging spit in a parking lot, which raised some serious eyebrows since they are both married to other people. Kat MAY get a bit of a pass because she and her husband, producer Nick Cokas (it took me six tries to not type Cockass) have been separated for the better part of this year. I say “may” because there are plenty of people sitting in the court of public opinion who feel that moving on before a divorce is finalized still makes someone a big, fat cheater. Then there’s Mary McCormack, Michael’s wife of ten years, who was apparently not on the list of “who to tell we fuckin’“. A source close to the couple told People:
“Mary adores her husband. If this is true, she would have been blindsided. She is the most devoted mother and wife.”
The Daily Mail said this morning that Mary WAS blindsided but isn’t taking any of this fuckery sitting down and that she threw Michael out of the house Sunday night after he told her the pictures existed and were going public. As if that wasn’t bad enough, that motherfucker also tried to buy the pictures himself to keep them from getting out. If that doesn’t scream “I wasn’t going to be honest unless I had to be“, I don’t know what does. Shady, shady, shady.
Mary and Michael have three young daughters together and Katharine made it clear earlier this year that she is in no rush to start squeezing babies out. When I joked the other day about keeping Kat away from LeAnn’s Twitter feed, I didn’t know that could end up being a self-fullfilling prophecy. I get not wanting kids (hell, I’ve tried to give mine back to the universe more than once but apparently science is an asshole and it doesn’t work that way) but why in the name of all that fucks goats would you start seeing someone who has them?!? Maybe she hasn’t set eyes on them yet- I can totally imagine Michael’s giant melon of doom only Lurch‘s mom could love eclipsing three little girls completely.
Someone get Mary Liberty Ross‘ phone number. I think they have a lot to talk about over coffee.
Around twenty five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCatchAHo was going around with that Victoria’s Secret model whose name I always read as Teri Garr. But I guess Leonardo tossed Teri Garr’s ass in a box and sent her to the Victoria’s Secret Return Center before he ordered a new piece from Elite Model Management in Paris. 24-year-old Kat Torres, who is originally from a small town near Sao Paulo and lives in Paris now, tells the Brazilian newspaper Extra (via Daily Mail) that she met 38-year-old Leo in Cannes and now they’re bumping nipples.
“I met Leo in Cannes. We were staying in the same house at the festival. Leo is amazing, but I worry about what he will think about me talking to you. We have a pact that nothing can ever be said about our relationship. In Europe it is different. People see us together in many places so they do not need to ask us about anything. He doesn’t like being photographed and barely goes out walking once people have realized it’s him.”
There’s one big, glaring thing that doesn’t make sense about this shit:
Bitch ain’t a Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated model. Leo usually only orders from Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated. He doesn’t get into bed unless a VS or SI model is in it. His true soulmate Lukas Haas constantly begs VS and SI to please give him a contract so Leo will finally look at him for real. So this doesn’t really make any sense…. But whatever, we shouldn’t wrap our brain cells around this mess, because as soon as she opened her mouth and said, “I’m dating, Leonardo DiCaprio,” he stamped the word “VOID” on their relationship contract and picked up a VS catalog to order a new piece. Bye, ho.
And here’s some of Kat’s modeling pics. She looks like a fembot who’s equal parts Heidi Montag, Shakira and Ivanka Trump.
The future stars of The Real Grifters of Cell Block C were in court again yesterday to plead not guilty to not filing taxes, scamming a bunch of banks and lying to the bankruptcy court. Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice should be lubing up all their parts and spreading thick layers of numbing cream on their b-holes, because they’re about to get fucked hard by the feds and it’s not going to be pretty. Not-So-Mighty-Joe-Young and Teresa were indicted on 39 counts and they each face up to 50 years in the clink. Radar says that Teresa is not ready to cover her orange skin with an orange jumpsuit just yet and right before court yesterday, her lawyers threw a plea deal in front of prosecutors.
A source says that in the plea deal, Juicy Joe offered to do prison time as long as Teresa doesn’t have to set one hoof in a prison cell. Teresa told prosecutors that she’ll do anything and everything to keep her ass out of jail. Prosecutors then told Teresa that she won’t have to go to jail if she takes a sip of her own sparkling diarrhea wine called Barfellini. Teresa threw them a look and said that she’ll do anything ANYTHING but that. The prosecutors grabbed the plea deal, wiped their asses with it and threw it in her face. NO DEAL! Radar’s source put it like this:
“Teresa and Joe’s defense team submitted a plea deal on Wednesday but the US Attorney denied it. Teresa wanted a plea deal that keeps her out of jail so she offered to do anything else BUT jail time and have Joe serve all of the time in jail. The prosecutor dismissed the deal outright. The prosecutor has said that if she wants to plead it out she has to do jail time. hey believe that the evidence will show that Teresa can’t play dumb. She was in cahoots with Joe and was just as much a part of orchestrating the scam as he was.”
Teresa should realize that she’s ten different kinds of screwed and needs to focus on picking out the perfect accessories to go with her orange jumpsuit and she needs to figure out how she’s going to make her family lasagna out of saltines, government cheese and mouse meat. She also needs to use whatever is left of her brain to come up with a prison name. I’m thinking Threehead Tre or La Gorilla Head.
But I will give Teresa some credit. She obviously knows that she’s broke, because yesterday she recycled an outfit by wearing the dress she wore to her junior prom in 1988. Kudos for that, Tre! Here’s more of Teresa and her terrifying sumo wrestler hair at a book signing at Posche in Wayne, NJ and at court yesterday morning.
I know, I wish he was threatening to quit civilization, but baby steps, baby steps…
Seen above with a ScarJo-looking ass trick who’s doing the walk of shame to his car after leaving a club last night, Chris Brown checked himself into a California jail yesterday. The Difficult Brown violated his probation by giving a driver fake insurance information and refusing to give her his drivers license info after he hit her car. The ingrown hair on humanity’s ass lips wasn’t arrested at the scene, so he had until August 6th to turn himself in. Fist Brown turned himself in yesterday and sadly they didn’t put him in a cell with a pack of rabid coyotes. Fist checked in and checked out 45 minutes later.
The Difficult Brown celebrated his 45 minutes in the clink by going to a club and picking up a piece. But I guess he and his piece-of-the-night didn’t hit it off (you pick up the GONG while I exit the stage), because a few hours later he spit out his pacifier and wah wah wah’d out another stream of diarrhea on Twatter. Fist Brown cried about how the media keeps getting at him for consistently being an asshole for the past 4 years.
A mistake? A mistake is Chris Brown’s dad not pulling out when he had the chance. A mistake is not nearly beating RiRi’s face off. But whatever, The Difficult Brown is SO over it that all he does is tweet and moan about how over it he is. That’s totally being over it, Chris Brown. We shouldn’t celebrate the death of The Difficult Brown’s music career just yet, because I’m sure in about five seconds he’ll scream on Twitter about how his H8RZ are his MOTIV8RZ and he’s going to rise like Jesus. “Jesus died so Chris Brown could live!” – Mom Breezy
The mothership has called for Elisabeth Hasselcrack and she’s finally leaving The View to answer their call. Fox News announced today that starting in September, Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s high-pitched screech will break lights and burn off the eyebrows of crew members on the set of Fox & Friends. Hasselcrack is taking Gretchen Carlson’s spot. Gretchen is leaving to host her own show on Fox. Roger Ailes, the Chairman of Fox News, told the Post that they’re all opening their arms and embracing Hasselcrack:
“Elisabeth’s warm and engaging personality made her a star on “The View”. She has proven to be an excellent conversationalist and I am certain she will make a great addition to our already successful morning franchise.”
Warm and engaging personality? Are we watching the same Elisabeth or is Roger getting morning time drunk while watching The View? Actually a better question would be, who doesn’t get morning time drunk while watching The View?
There’s been rumors for months that Elisabeth was joining Joy Behar for the walk out The View’s exit door, but everyone including Barbara Walters denied it. They obviously dumped her ass and gave her time to find a new gig so she could say she dumped them instead.
UsWeekly says that Elisabeth’s last day on The View is tomorrow. I really hope that Rosie O’Donnell shows up for Elisabeth’s last show so they can reenact this glorious moment:
Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.
At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!) in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.
If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.
Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:
I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.
So is he really quitting acting?
I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.
I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.
Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.
Scottsdale, Arizona is about to lose its title as the customer service capital of the world, because one of the reigning kings of customer service, Samy Bouzaglo of Amy’s Baking Company, might be sent back to his homeland. The U.S. Immigration Department might say the same shit to Samy that Crazy Amy said to a prospective customer: WE DON’T LET SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU HERE!
AZ Central says that Samy, who screamed his way into America’s hearts on the already legendary episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was at a hearing in court yesterday for his ongoing immigration case that was opened 2 years ago. Samy is in danger of being thrown out of the country and sent back to Israel, because he never told immigration about how he spent time in prison for selling drugs and extorting people before he came to the U.S. 13 years ago. If you live in France or Germany, you can smile an extra smile today, because Samy can’t legally enter your country, because he’s banned there.
AZ Central was able to get Samy on the phone to talk about this latest mess in his mess of a life and they said that as he was talking, Crazy Amy kept screaming over him and the two fought a lot. But Samy was able to spit this out:
“The FBI knows all about me…. The IRS knows. I want people to know about me. But not today, not tomorrow. I have nothing to hide.”
Are we sure those words that came out of Samy’s crazy hole and not the lyrics to Lauryn Hill’s next single?
Click here if you need to see a video of Samy acting crazy when a reporter from AZ Central asked him about getting kicked out of the country.
Yesterday, Samy and Crazy Amy (born name: Crazy Amanda) re-opened Amy’s Baking Company and they said they had over 1,500 reservations for the week, but barely anybody showed up. Their re-opening was a flop and the people that did show up (to see Crazy Amy’s “lion on meth” crazy eyes in person) were turned away for not having a reservation. And then, Samy and Crazy Amy released this “press release” before their re-opening:
SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 — Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.
Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.
When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.
CYBER BULLYING! For being dumb bitches, they really are a couple of crazy geniuses.
David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he’s going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.
“[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.
To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I’m honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. … I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed.”
Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).