Today has been one hell of a hump day for two dark-haired members of the Real Housewives franchise family. In New York City, Bethenny Frankel is joyfully rolling around in a pile of torn-up alimony checks. But across the river in New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is crying salty black eyeliner tears into her mid-afternoon glass of peach Fabellini while screaming “JOOOOOOE!!!“. That’s right, Juicy Joe is now Juicy Prison Inmate Joe.
The Giudice family lawyer confirmed to UsWeekly that Joe Giudice lumbered into the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institution in New Jersey today at noon to serve his 41 month prison sentence for wire and bankruptcy fraud. Joe was escorted into his home for the next couple of years by Teresa, his brother, his sister, and a bunch of other Giudices. Teresa will look after their four Giudettes while Joe is in the big house, just like how Joe did for Teresa when she was locked up last year.
Maybe it’s because I have the story of another locked-up bottom-rung celebrity degenerate still fresh on my mind, but I can’t help but wonder how Joe will do in prison. I don’t know much about being locked up, but I do know the best way to ensure that nobody fucks with you is to establish yourself as totally fucking crazy. And what better way to prove it than by going around and introducing yourself as Teresa Giudice’s husband. “Don’t piss him off, man – I heard he’s real close with the Babadook-looking table flipper from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
Pic: Teresa Giudice
When Sony heard the cries from people begging them to #FreeKesha, they burped up a statement saying that they can’t let Kesha out of her contract even if they wanted to. Kesha’s contract is with Dr. Luke’s label Kemosabe, which is a subsidiary of Sony. Sony said that only Dr. Luke can tear up his contract with Kesha, and he’s obviously not looking to do that. They basically said, “Your beef is with that bitch so stopping ringing our door bell.” But Sony’s pristine reputation kept getting smeared with chunky skid marks. One of their biggest stars Adele showed her support for Kesha as did Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Kelly Clarkson who called Dr. Luke “not a good person.” Sony is reportedly looking to wash their hands of Dr. Luke before the situation really screws with their cash.
I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.
So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.
TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.
Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.
Oscar Pistorius will soon have to say goodbye to the 1800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in his luxurious house arrest prison and once again say hello to 0 count cardboard sheets in the chokey, because South Africa’s Supreme Court of Appeals upgraded a lower court’s ruling of “culpable homicide” to “murder.” The Supreme Court of Appeals found him guilty of murdering his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.
With Caitlyn Jenner, Iran, El Chapo, hairy butt zit Donald Trump and the cat with his head stuck in a cup (that’s CNN’s top story, right?) taking over the news, TLC quietly scratched out the “TLC Hearts The Duggars” that was etched into the tree outside of their offices and announced that they have washed their hands of 19 Kids and Counting. TLC probably announced it on the down-low, because they don’t want God to find out and strike them dead for turning their backs on a good Christian family!!! Cut to God filing his nails and rolling his eyes like “whatever” after reading TLC’s announcement.
Zendaya’s cable provider can probably expect to hear the words “Yes, I’d like to renew my subscription to the E! channel” at some point today, because it looks like she’ll no longer have to worry about seeing her arch nemesis Giuliana Rancic pop up between commercial breaks of KUWTK like a malnourished Whac-A-Mole.
Giuliana released a statement last night confirming that she has decided to pack up her stuff from the E! News desk (a bottle of negative-calorie water and several sticks of sugarfree air) and mosey on out. However, she’s not turning in her E! staff ID card just yet; Giuliana says she’s sticking around for Fashion Police and will continue to annoy celebrities during E! Live From The Red Carpet shows.
“For more than a decade, I was fortunate enough to play a role in the success of E! News and will miss my family at the show. At the same time, I am excited to not only continue as host of two major franchises on E! but also executive produce the aspirational new show Rich in Faith for Oxygen as well as take my wine and clothing lines to the next level. This is such a thrilling time for me and I thank the gang at E! for understanding my desire to embark on this next chapter in my life.”
E! added to Giuliana’s so long, farewell statement by saying: “During her time here, Giuliana played an instrumental role in building E! News into a global entertainment news powerhouse and, while we will miss seeing her on set every day, we are delighted to continue to work with her on Fashion Police and Live From the Red Carpet.”
There’s no word on whether or not Giuliana’s old job is up for grabs, but I’m sure that hasn’t stopped every hard-up famous-ish person from salivating over this news while they print out their resumes. Raise your hand if you too pictured Kelly Osbourne, NeNe Leakes, and Khloe Kardashian sprinting Amazing Race-style to the E! offices this morning.
Bad news for London, good news for everywhere else in the world. Hollywood and NYC’s former freckled ex-con queen Lindsay Lohan, seen blowing grimy air kisses to her subjects above, is currently reigning over London and it sounds like she wants to make it a permanent thing. The Apricot Ashtray recently spoke to HELLO! (via Daily Mail) about her new life in London and her master plan to usurp Princess Beatrice’s throne as England’s semi-employed party girl ginger.
“I can definitely see myself settling in London permanently. I’m in a really good place. I’m blessed to have been able to do a play in London and start a different way of life. New York is very fast paced and it’s not like that over here for me. You grow up and change, and I’m really happy about that, as overall I feel a lot better. Moving here was a new start for me and my outlook on life is different now. For me, I feel more comfortable working from London.”
Lindsay continued: “Like, it’s so much easier and more comfortable to hock shit on Insatgram from a place where I’m not constantly trying to dodge people I owe money to or tried to rob.”
Because Lindsay wants to live in London (The Sandlot voice) FOR-EV-UR, she says she’s interested in becoming a British citizen. We know Lohan is a pro at taking breathalyzer tests, but I don’t know how she’ll do in a citizenship test. Ha! As if she’s even worried about that. She probably thinks playing a British kid in The Parent Trap and saying “Cheers, mate” every time she bums a cigarette guarantees her some kind of diplomatic immunity.
Here’s London’s forever problem – or at least London’s problem until she gets arrested a bunch of times and flees to another country –
having a smoke puffing on a fag yesterday.
When it was announced back in October that David Lynch was digging up Twin Peaks for a nine-episode third season on Showtime, it was like Santa and the Easter Bunny and Floyd the Fantastic Flag Day Goblin all got together and gave me the greatest gift I would ever receive. And then yesterday, it was like they snuck into my house and yanked it all away along with my furniture and clothes and booze and left me with NOTHING. On Sunday, David Lynch announced on Twitter (via EW) that he was saying Bye, Bitch (or Chtib, Eyeb if you’re The Man from Another Place) because it was turning into a low-budget shit show:
He then went on to say that he had called everyone involved to tell them he’d quit, and that Showtime was still planning on going through with the Twin Peaks reboot. In response to David Lynch packing up his shit and leaving, Showtime released the following statement:
“Showtime also loves the world of Twin Peaks and we continue to hold out hope that we can bring it back in all its glory with both of its extraordinary creators, David Lynch and Mark Frost, at its helm.”
Yeah, unless that hope smells like thousands of dollars, I don’t think he’s coming back.
Obviously a David Lynch-less Twin Peaks will be a giant pie-scenetd MESS, but it still needs to happen. There are some horny hos out there who get the hots for Agent Dale Cooper (raises hand), and to deny them new faptime/taptime material would be a crime against humanity. If Showtime doesn’t have the budget for Twin Peaks, and it sounds like they don’t, they could always save money by doing a couple cross-over episodes with Showtime’s Gigolos. I think I speak for all of us when I say nobody would have a problem watching Agent Cooper job shadow former Hot Slut Brace the Face for an entire day.
In the event you’re thinking “Who is this salt and pepper poppa working the hood of that car like an aspiring auto show slut?“, it’s the former host of the long-running BBC2 car show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson. Former, because earlier today he was fired for going HAM and assaulting another Top Gear staffer named Oisin Tymon with his fists.
It all happened during a Top Gear shoot in North Yorkshire a little over two weeks ago. Jeremy Clarkson had apparently been hissing insults at Oisin Tymon all day, and eventually his mouth got tired, so his fists took over. Jeremy started raging out on Oisin until he was pulled off of him 30 seconds later. Witnesses say Oisin didn’t fight back, and when it was all over, he took himself to the emergency room.
Once the BBC found out about this mess, they put his ass on ice for 16 days. Despite 1 million signatures on a petition begging the BBC to bring him back, The Guardian says they chose to force Jeremy into early retirement. Luckily, there are two other Top Gear hosts (Richard Hammond and James May), so they don’t have to shut it down for good.
Jeremy hasn’t said much about this mess, but his Twitter bio currently reads: “I used to be a presenter on the BBC2 motoring show, Top Gear“, so that pretty much says it all.
Obviously this situation is 8 layers of WTF, but the question I really want answered is how the hell does a middle-aged dad type get that pissed off while surrounded by cars? Dads LOVE cars! I’ve been to a couple of car shows, and that shit is like Xanax for middle-aged dads.
Here’s more of Jeremy Clarkson leaving his house yesterday before he got the news he’d been “sacked”, as Marry Poppins would say:
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, E! has realized that nobody really wants to watch Giuliana Rancic suck the life out of the room while Brad Goreski nervously giggles for 30 minutes. Fashion Police was supposed to come back later this month and after Kathy Griffin quit that bitch, Melissa Rivers was going to temporarily take her place, but that’s not going to happen anymore. E! announced tonight that Fashion Police is going on hiatus and will spend the next few months getting nipped, tucked, pulled, waxed, shaved and Botoxed. They’re going to revamp the show and find new asses to sit in the chairs that Kathy and Kelly Osbourne left empty. If Brad doesn’t also jump ship and find another gig, he’ll be back. Ghouliana will also be back, because she probably has some shit on Ryan Seacrest so E! will never let her go.
E! spit out this statement:
E!’s comedy series Fashion Police is going on hiatus and will return in September. We look forward to taking this opportunity to refresh the show before the next awards season. Our talented co-hosts Giuliana Rancic and Brad Goreski, along with Executive Producer Melissa Rivers, will continue their roles as we evolve the show into its next chapter for the legions of Fashion Police fans around the world.
Now that Fashion Police is going away for a while and has left a blank space in E!’s schedule, they can finally do what’s right and bring back their greatest piece of work. I’m talking about the artistic masterpiece that was Sunset Tan (aka the shit show that maybe 2 of you remember).
Jeff Bozz (the spawn of an overgrown Oompa Loompa and a bottle of Affliction butt spray on the left) and his electrocuted porcupine hair will save the day!