Today must be White Actresses Pleading Guilty To Shit Day, because Allison Mack, who went from Chloe in Smallville to second-in-command of a torturous sex cult, has pleaded guilty to racketeering and racketeering conspiracy charges including forced labor. No word if Allison struck a peal deal and that deal includes her getting branded with the word GUILTY, kind of like how the members of the sex cult she helped run were branded.
If Pete Davidson‘s big dick (moderately sized dick?) is the disease, then deleting your Instagram account must be the symptom, because peace-ing out of Insta seems to be a trend surrounding Pete and his BDE. Both Pete and Ariana Grande quit it while they were together, and now Pete’s current confirmed tonsil hockey partner Kate Beckinsale has deleted all of her Instagram pics. Kate must have been tired of comments from fans comparing her relationship with Pete to the Crypt Keeper and Teddy Ruxpin because of their 20 year age difference.
The Kardashian Koven are, hands down, the X-Men of famewhoring because their super power is getting attention. And Kendall Jenner has always been like Kitty Pryde phasing in and out of the limelight whenever the rest of her sisters were doing too much. Not that Kendall hasn’t added to her family’s brand of “Please go away now” because let’s not forget when she became the Martin Luther King Jr of soft drinks a few years ago with that dumb ass Pepsi ad. Now Kendall, with the help of Kris Jenner, just pulled off one of the ultimate switch-a-roos in the history or fame whoring and I don’t know whether to congratulate her or blow up her social media with hate mail for wasting my damn time.
Harvey Weinstein, the giant lump of shit who became a movie mogul, has been trying to get out of facing trial for sexual assault in NYC, and I’m surprised his team of lawyers didn’t argue that only a human can be tried for something and Harvey’s technically a giant lump of shit. But CNN says that today in court, Judge James Burke sided with the prosecution and dropped a wet judicial fart on Team Harvey’s dismissal request. Harvey Weinstein is actually going to trial for rape. First, Bill Cosby goes from alleged rapist to rapist rapist, and now Harvey is one step closer to moving into a prison cell. I see 2018 winking at us like, “See, bitch, I’m not that bad.”
Megyn Kelly is about to get the belated birthday present I’ve been waiting my whole life for (her birthday was on Sunday, she spent it with Fox and Friends host Janice Dean). Comcast, NBC’s parent company, is getting ready to hand her a check for $30 million for being an insufferable twat. I’m an insufferable twat, where’s my money? Page Six says she will likely be paid the full amount of what remains on the $69 million dollar contract she signed in 2017. What’s more, Megyn’s probably got another job lined up already.
Kathie Lee Gifford just told the full-time bartender in her dressing room to pull out the good stuff, because it’s time to celebrate now that it looks like the head bitches at NBC News are finally dumping the blonde reason for why the Happy Hour of Today (read: the fourth hour starring KLG and Hoda Kotb) is getting lower ratings. And then KLG will kick her leg, hop onto the cabaret stage she had built in her dressing room next to the bar, and belt out, “Grey skies are gonna cleeeeear up,” as her assistants ask the bartender for a stiff shot since they’re going to need it if their boss is starting off the day with show tunes.
Just a quick minute after Megyn Kelly dribbled out a canned apology for being a college educated 47-year-old former lawyer and “journalist” who has lived in New York City for years and didn’t know that blackface is racist, The Hollywood Reporter said that a source whispered in their ear about the demise of her show at Today. NBC News is reportedly going to put Megyn Kelly Today out of its misery at the end of this year. Megyn is currently in the middle of a $69 million three-year contract with NBC News. Cut to Black Santa sauntering up to Megyn to give her the gift of a pink slip this Christmas.