Michelle Rodriguez Is One Lucky Bitch

If any of us had a stumpy mast of seasoned Italian gristle with a slug hugger full of soft bulging love communicating to us in body language to ravage him whole, we would not turn our backs to him the way Michelle Rodriguez did in Sardinia yesterday. But that’s exactly what MRod did while climbing rocks and shit with Italian businessman Gianluca Vacchi. I mean, Gianluca is throwing his arms up and begging for a stick up, but MRod is denying him! Or maybe she left her dildo gun on the boat. Whatever the case may be, I hope that after those dykes on a bike rode into the sunset, their love story ended with Gianluca checking into the emergency room at 4am because he accidentally fell culo first onto a broken off strap-on. Il finito!

Michelle Rodriguez Knows How To Do Cannes

Now you know what innocent passersby see when you come stumbling out of a cab (or whatever) smelling like poor decisions and a good time with ropes of your hair swinging all around like you’ve just given road head during a bumpy ride. Thanks to Michelle Rodriguez for giving you a picture to match to the feeling!

While some celebrities spray their genitals with fancy French perfume and try to behave like refined swans in Cannes, MRod is doing Cannes how it should be done. By day she’s hanging her Dominican moon over the waters of Cannes, and by night she’s running from a motel in her gown after gnawing off the arm of a dealer who tried to sell her a bag of dirty kitty litter. MRod snorted it anyway, because the cat could’ve been on Ketamine and why waste that shit?

Hopefully, one of these days MRod drunkenly trips out of a cab and lands directly onto Paz de la Huerta who is obviously lying in the gutter. Because those two belong together!

Michi Likes Sausage

Michi Likes Sausage is an awesome name for a Joni Mitchell cover band that only plays meatarian events, it’s also what Michi Rodriguez said at the premiere of Battle L.A. when talking about those lesbian rumors that won’t quit. Michelle does this all the fucking time. She has to let us know that even though she looks like she could lick a pussy until her tongue turns into a raisin, the only thing she’s slapping her strap-on against is man ass. Got it. That’s our cue to change MRod’s order from “tuna” to “sausage” before changing it back to “tuna” again a hot second later. Don’t put your pen away, because we’ll be doing this again next year.

And Then There Was Michelle Rodriguez

I was wondering why Natalie Portman thanked Michelle Rodriguez* in her never-ending acceptance speech of never-ending thank yous last night, but now I know why. Natalie’s unborn baby is the reincarnation of Nostradamus and told her that Michelle Rodriguez would dress jack Noah Cyrus and stomp through the night in some silver ho shit: boudoir edition. I want to get on a stage myself and thank Michelle for this elegant mess.

MRod is a butch bitch who usually only wears black leather, gun holsters, pocket knives, boxer briefs, a jock strap and a serious snarl, so I’m surprised to see her wearing vintage Victoria’s Secret (and by vintage I mean like 2002).

You know that by the end of the night, Michelle had that skirt hiked over her bagina and downed a Bud while sitting spread eagle like a bow-legged trucker getting a $2 lap dance.

* Yes, I know Natalie Portman thanked a different Michelle Rodriguez, but let me believe.

“The Bitch Is Mine”

Meanwhile in Miami…. I guess A-Rod cut his salmon jerky rendezvous short, because here’s Cameron Diaz holding on to him the same way the baddest butch in the cell block holds on to her latest prison bitch. Keep your bitch close, Cam!

Here’s more of A-Rod and Cam looking as if Ponch and Larry from CHiPs found real love after the latter got gender reassignment surgery.

Presented Without Comment: Kim Zolciak SANS Wig

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