We all know the basic Jurassic Park formula by now: Take one part remote island, one part ego driven scientist, one part scary monsters, one part greedy corporate entity, one part dashing hero, one part imperiled children, one part screaming lady and one part Jeff Goldblum. Add a dash of sweeping music and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster! But really, there are only so many times this formula is going to work. Sooner or later you have gotta change it up. We’re now on the 5th iteration with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom whose tag line is “Life, Uh, Finds a Way”, let’s see if they’ve monkeyed with the formula.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
And of course in that picture of Camila Alves is a stoned Matthew McConaughey wondering if the tinsel on that foil gold Christmas tree in front of him is smokeable.
At last night’s NYC premiere of Gold (that mining scandal movie where the Texas T-Rex looks like he’s doing low-budget cosplay of Christian Bale in American Hustle), Camila Alves took the title of the movie all the way by covering her body with 5 pounds of tinsel and hundreds of yards of gold fabric. Camila is brave for wearing that ensemble out in NYC, because that top part looks like a golden shower, so I’m surprise that Donald Trump didn’t try to bathe under it.
If Trump’s penthouse apartment and Liberace’s dining room had sloppy, dirty, messy fuck times, the wet spot they left would look like what Camila is wearing. She looks like a new money whore house madam. It’s gaudy! It’s tacky! It’s ugly! I love it!
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!
I know you want to turn that picture into a seat cover for your office chair so you can sit on that tongue all day long.
Seen above looking like Prince William if Prince William was an early 80s IRS auditor instead of a multi-millionaire British royal, Matthew McConaughey was in NYC this past weekend shooting scenes for his new movie with Edgar Ramirez and Jessica Chastain’s understudy Bryce Dallas Howard. Gold isn’t only the color of the trophy (aka an Oscar) the Texas T-Rex is trying to get his claws around AGAIN, it’s also the name of the movie he’s shooting in NYC. Gold is about a dude who teams up with a hot dude (Edgar Ramirez) to search for gold in the jungles of Indonesia. That sounds very “Fool’s Gold,” and I hope that just like Fool’s Gold, there’s a scene where the two gold-digging partners fuck in a church. Yes, I’m so hard up that I’d find a way to fap to the sight of a fat suit-wearing Texas T-Rex riding on Edgar Ramirez.
Matthew McConaughey is pretty much copying the career moves of Christian Bale. Christian Bale starved himself down to the size of an Olsen’s clit for The Machinist and Matthew McConaughey did the same thing for Dallas Buyers Club. Christian Bale worked the bald look and added some chunk for American Hustle and Matthew McConaughey has shaved his glorious plugs-made hair and said “alright, alright, alright” to extra servings of pie for this Gold movie. I guess that means that Mathew McConaughey is going to play a superhero next. (That’s a studio’s cue to greenlight a Marijuanaman movie.)
And yes, yes I’d hit it. I’d ride it while playing his FUPA like a bongo.
Here’s more of Matthew McConaughey and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like they’re starring in a no-budget community theater production of American Hustle.