The name Bryan Singer might make you think of X-Men movies, or it might make you think of sexual assault accusations, or it might make you think of both X-Men and allegations. But of all the accusations to come out in the past several weeks, Bryan Singer’s name has been noticeably absent. Well, Jessica Chastain recently took it upon herself to remind everyone about those allegations that have been following Bryan for years like a trail of pool water dripping off the corner of a wet towel.
The bug-eyed-and-sexy Emmy winner Rami Malek (aka “Mr. Robot”) is set to play Queen’s flamingly wonderful lead singer, Freddie Mercury, in the long-awaited biopic called Bohemian Rhapsody.
Variety reports that everyone’s favorite delusional television “hacktivist” (apologies for using that ridiculous word, but my grammar checker inferred that I was boring when I tried to use “hacker“) will be helmed by (the alleged sketchball) X-Men franchise director Bryan Singer. Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor will serve as music producers on the film (and hopefully get back in these outfits for inspiration).
Not a press tour goes by without Jennifer Lawrence almost munching the carpet by falling, so of course, she had a stage 2 tumble at a screening for X-Men: Apocalypse in London today. Jennifer Lawrence claims that her falls are completely organic and she doesn’t purposely do them to keep her image as the quirkiest quirky girl in the business alive, but bitch, please.
If you watch the riveting video from The Daily Mail below, you will clearly see that Ms. Tumble4YaAttention manages to get through a crowd of people without any problems, and when she gets out into a small open space where her fall will get as much attention as possible, she suddenly stumbles. I like how that woman in the purple, who I’m guessing is her publicist, just happens to be there to catch her fall. If you press your ear to that video, you can practically hear JLaw whisper, “And a 3..2..FALL,” to herself. You can’t fool me, JLaw!
And after JLaw performed the fall that she and a team of choreographers spent hours on in a studio somewhere, she posed with Oscar Isaac and James McAvoy who seemed to have an intense debate about her tits:
Or maybe they were arguing about her busted and ill-fitting Dior dress. Oscar thinks that it looks like a knock-off of a Windsor Fashion’s prom dress made with dyed muslin and James thinks it looks like a stripper’s wedding dress. Yeah, that’s probably what they’re arguing about it.
The holes in my brain (and I’m sure there’s plenty since I’ve watched the Screech sex tape a couple of times) squirted out a stream of question marks last October when X-Men director and twink aficionado Bryan Singer announced that his best friend of 25 years Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us who watched the American Queer As Folk) was knocked up with his kid. Well, that baby is now here. Last night, Bryan tweeted this picture of his and Michelle’s newborn baby son. If you put your ear to the screen you can almost hear Bryan’s Botoxed mug crack as he pushes out a fatherly smile.
Even though Bryan is quite bi-sexual, he and Michelle don’t fuck and they have a platonic friendship. It was reported that he bought her a house down the street from his and will pay for her living expenses. They plan to raise their son together. It’s very The Next Best Thing but without Benjamin Bratt, the drunken hetero boning and court battle. Bryan added this note with the picture of his family:
Michelle Clunie and I would like to welcome our beautiful son Dashiell Julius William Clunie~Singer into the world 🙂
They should’ve added just one more name since that kid’s name isn’t long enough. When Dashiell Julius Williams Clunie-Singer starts driving, he’s going to need a fold-out drivers license, because his full name won’t fit on a regular one.
Well, I guess having a kid is one way for people to forget that twink drugging and raping lawsuit (which was dropped) and see Bryan Singer as a family man. Hopefully Bryan has been hitting the weights, because he’s going to need a lot of strength to rock Baby Dashiell to sleep in one arm while using his other arm to snort a line of the bad shit off of a twink’s stomach at one of his pool parties.
Every now and again the phrase “THE FUCK?” has to redefine itself and show you that it still has it. Case in point: Radar says that Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us hos who religiously watched the US version of Queer as Folk) has come down with a case of the BABIES!!! and Bryan Singer is the dude who fapped into the turkey baster that knocked her up.
Radar’s source is saying that Michelle will birth out Bryan’s baby in December and that he’s paying her $1 million to be his surrogate. But TMZ has a different story. Their source (aka Bryan’s damage control specialist) says that Bryan isn’t raising the baby by himself. It’s a Clay Aiken situation (or kind of a Lindsay and Brian situation if you watched QaF). Michelle and Bryan have been best friends forever and decided they wanted to have and a raise a human child together. The source says they made the decision before Bryan Singer was hit with sexual assault allegation after sexual assault allegation. The source also denies that Bryan filled Michelle’s checking account with $1 million, but he did buy her a house near his home in West Hollywood and he’s paying for all of her living expenses. So when you add up the living expenses and the West Hollywood house, Michelle is probably making more than $1 million. #getmoneyiguessbitch
The source also let it be known that Michelle’s name will be on the birth certificate and the kid will live with her. Bryan is also free of sexual assault lawsuits, for now, because Michael Eagan dropped his lawsuit in August, but he may file again.
I always knew Bryan Singer was the “daddy” type, but not the actual daddy type. Isn’t a drooling, crying, burping baby going to mess with his twinks and coke pool party schedule? I don’t know if he’s doing this to look more family friendly for the X-Men crowd, but throw in Melanie Marcus and the whole thing becomes a thick layer of HUH? I just want to slip into a counter seat at Liberty Diner, order a root beer float and ask Debbie what she thinks about this.
Either someone has it out for director Bryan Singer or dude immediately needs to be ensconced in something with bars. Buzzfeed reports that Detective Olivia Benson and those two tricks that could never hope to replace Elliot Stabler are currently investigating the X-Men: Days of Future Past director on an sexual assault claim. The alleged victim is described as a 20-something NYC man, and the incident reportedly took place in March of last year. Not a minor this time? Upgrade for Bryan!
Acting on a tip, Buzzfeed dropped by the NYPD with a basket of muffins and a Diamond Candle, and just happened to innocently ask if Singer was being investigated by them. That’s so weird, now that you mention it, yes!