That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.
Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.
After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.
Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.
And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:
I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).
The final score is:
Broncos: Who cares.
Panthers: Who Cares:
Cookie: All of the points. All of them.
The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.
I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.
An extremely reliable inside source whose title most likely rhymes with Druno Jars Vanager tells AP (via USA Today) that the world’s greatest Michael Jackson (Jackson 5 era) impersonator Bruno Mars will headline the Super Bowl Halftime Show in February. Whoever is in charge of announcing the Super Bowl Halftime perform will supposedly announce it tomorrow.
I actually like Bruno Mars, but NO to him being the headliner of Halftime Show at the Super Bowl in New Jersey. The Super Bowl’s in New Jersey next year, so shouldn’t the Halftime Show be a Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi spectacular extravaganza that ends with the entire Jersey Shore cast getting shoved into canons and shot into the universe? BRUNO MARS?
If the Halftime Show people really wanted to entertain the masses with Jersey flavor, they would’ve given the headlining spot to the tie dyed musical prophets of Jersey City P.M. Dawn.
But if that happened, P.M. Dawn would cause a blackout that would make Beyonce’s Super Bowl blackout look like one tiny lightbulb went out. Every single person in the country would turn every TV on in their house to watch P.M. Dawn and it would cause a national electrical blackout.
But whatever, the only thing I want to know is if Lil Bub and Grumpy Cat are going to co-headline the Kitty Halftime Show at the Puppy Bowl next year. That’s what I really want to know.