There are many reasons one might decide they no longer want to open for Bruno Mars on tour. Fear of tripping over the step-stools he leaves lying around backstage. Losing your mind after hearing Uptown Funk for the 300th time. But for Cardi B, who was scheduled to open for Bruno on the last leg of his 24k Magic World Tour, she’s bailing because she just had a baby and wants to spend time with it.
A few days ago, Chris Brown hopped on Twitter and said that he wants to go on a world tour with Beyonce, Bruno Mars, and Rihanna. The same Rihanna he violently assaulted almost exactly nine years ago. I’m starting to think that before Chris Brown’s monkey was taken into custody, she pooped in his food and gave him a case of the Motaba virus. Because that’s the kind of stupid thing you type when your brain is melting.
Since it just so happened to be a year that Adele didn’t release an album and therefore wasn’t eligible to come in and sweep every category, the 60th Annual Grammy Awards were anyone’s guess. And much to the surprise and delight of your mom and your local Top 40 radio station and wedding DJs, the big winner was Bruno Mars.
The nominations for the 60th Grammy awards were announced this morning, and Jay-Z led with eight nominations. I suppose you could say that Jay-Z is the Beyoncé of this year’s Grammys? Although she actually got one this year too, for Best Rap/Sung Performance. I’m sure it’s a big day in the Knowles Carter house. Congratulations on your Grammy nomination, Beyonce! And also, you know, good job on all the ones you got today too, Jay-Z.
If I was in charge of the Prince tribute at the Grammys, I would have cut together a 45-minute clip package of Prince’s sexiest scenes from Purple Rain and Under the Cherry Moon, but that would have cut into Adele’s time cleaning up. So instead the Grammys paid tribute to Prince by getting pocket-sized hottie Bruno Mars to sing and wail on a guitar.
Bruno joined The Time, who opened the tribute with Jungle Love and The Bird, to sing a cover of Let’s Go Crazy. Bruno decided to dress up like Prince, and he went with the purple jacket/white lace ruffle shirt look. I was hoping he might strut out on stage in an assless yellow lace jumpsuit. Maybe he just couldn’t get enough butt-popping squats in before the show. If so, then he made a wise decision. After all, if you can’t do Prince’s ass the justice it deserves, don’t do it at all. There’s no half-assing it when it come’s to Prince’s ass.
Bruno did do Prince’s sensual guitar skills right. Just like when Prince put on a porny shadow puppet show with his guitar during the halftime show at the Super Bowl, around the 4:06 mark Bruno Mars teases the FCC by working his guitar like a pretend dick.
— V.C.I. (@VitoConte02) February 13, 2017
The end of Bruno’s performance gave me shades of a high school student in a homemade Prince costume about three seconds away from being dragged off the stage of the talent show and by a pearl-clutching Vice Principal. But I feel like that’s the sort of tribute Prince would totally be into.
That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.
Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.
After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.
Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.
And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:
I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).
The final score is:
Broncos: Who cares.
Panthers: Who Cares:
Cookie: All of the points. All of them.