Brooke Hogan really should’ve quit defending her dad Hulk Hogan after writing that gorgeous poem, because that’s as good as it gets and it will not only go down in literary history as an important work, but future civilizations will consider it the greatest defense of a father. But because Brooke Hogan doesn’t have shit to do and loves attention, she is defending her dad once again. Hulk Hogan mouth farted up a bunch of corroded racist dingles while talking about Brooke dating a black guy in his leaked sex tape. Brooke told Entertainment Tonight that her dad isn’t racist, because he’s best friends with Mr. T (yes, the “MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK” card). She also said that she doesn’t get pissed off when she’s told white people smell like whatever the hell bologna is made of.
“My dad’s best friends with Mr. T, he’s best friends with Dennis Rodman, he’s not racist. It’s just when you’re mad and you’re at the lowest point in your life …. you just choose ill-fitting words for that situation just to air your shorts out. He’s so nice to everybody. He doesn’t talk like that, which is what was so strange about it.”
I feel bad for my dad, but I also feel bad for the African-American fans and stuff because they don’t know that he didn’t mean it. You know, it would be offensive. But this is something that we have to put a stop to everyday, because I’ll be honest with you, I’ve had a black guy call me a honkey, and I’ve also been told that white people smell like bologna. I don’t take offense to it, I just laughed at it.”
Hmmm. To me, Brooke doesn’t look like she smells like bologna. She looks like she smells like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist, the crust around an old bottle of Wet ‘N Wild foundation, peroxide, desperation and that faux coconut scent in some self tanners. But now that she mentions it…. I mean, Hulk Hogan’s hands look like they smell like fried deli meat and Slim Jim grease, so her body must smell like that too.
Brooke Hogan, one of the many nuggets floating around in the metaphorical toilet that is Hulk Hogan’s sex tape transcript (working title: “The Hulkster is About To Make You Feel Real Uncomfortable, Bruthur“), is apparently super sad that people think her daddy is racist. I know, right? Whatever would give us that idea? It’s not like there’s reportedly a recording of Hulk Hogan growling out the n-word over and over again. Oh wait…
Brooke wants you to look past The Hulkster’s word turds and into his (probably) deeply sun-damaged heart. Shortly after Hulk admitted that, yeah, he said some offensive shit and apologized for it, Brooke wrote a poem titled “If You Knew My Father” and posted it to Facebook. So for those of you who have ever scrolled through the Dlisted archives and wondered what former famous person Brooke Hogan has been up to, you have your answer. Poetry. She also made a picture collage of Hulk Hogan shaking hands with an assortment of people, because Brooke Hogan really wants you to know her dad loves everyone.
The poem is after the cut because it’s way too many words. But also because it’s a damn MESS and you’re going to want to slam a couple shots of something hard before you try to work your way through it.
I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?
Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.
Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.
Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.
And in a surprise twist, it wasn’t Hulk Hogan who proposed to Brooke.
Potent classiness is probably dripping down your screen right now and it’s because that picture of a dude in an American t-shirt proposing to Brooke Hogan (who is keeping it exquisite in a white cutout dress and flip flops) in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas is several layers of elegant. Add Brooke Hogan’s name to the long list of hos who got engaged at the Bellagio. (Seriously, EVERYBODY gets engaged in front of the Bellagio’s squirt show.)
25-year-old Brooke Instagrammed (via UsWeekly) totally natural and not-at-all staged pictures of her 25-year-old boyfriend, Phil Costa of the Dallas Cowboys, slipping a ring on her finger in front of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas last night. As Hulk Hogan loudly weeped into his bandana over his little girl marrying someone other than him, Brooke wrote this:
“Happiest moment of my LIFE. I am marrying my best friend. I wouldn’t choose anyone else. I am so lucky and grateful.”
Never mind that Michele Bachmann is screaming, “See what happens when you legalize gay marriage, libtards!”, I can’t wait to see the white denim and lace chaps that honorary gay man Brooke will wear on her wedding day.
Remember when barf trickled out of your ears when your brain continuously vomited after seeing pictures of Hulk Hogan lotion-ing up his grown daughter’s ass? Then remember when your soul cried itself into the fetal position after his phone rang in his sex tape and his ring tone was Brooke’s song? Well, here’s another nugget from Hulk Hogan that will give you the full body dry heaves. Hulk tweeted this picture of his daughter Brooke Hogan and added the caption: “Brooke’s legs.“
This sick ass exploding hot dog in a bandanna motherfucker. (“Don’t you mean daughterfu...” – you “Stop right there.” – me) It’s one thing for Hulk Hogan to drool all over his daughter, but it’s another to let everyone else know that he drools over Brooke’s legs. And when Hulk drools over Brooke’s legs, I don’t even want to know what he does with that drool. Just like simple math, that’s a place my brain never wants to go.
Or is the plural of dildo “Kardashians”? I’m not sure.
Anyway, a paparazzo was strolling by the window of the Fantasy World sex shop in the West Village the other day when something shiny, plastic and beautiful caught his eye. The paparazzo looked into the window and saw the most pretty and special dildo he’s ever seen in his life and it was surrounded by a bunch of homely dildos. And as the paparazzo’s body twitched while thinking about all the places he’d like to take that pretty, pretty dildo, the pretty, pretty dildo blinked! It wasn’t a dildo. It was just the most beautiful Disney princess of all-time Zac Efron! So the paparazzo pulled out his camera and started taking pictures of Zac standing next to a menagerie of plastic dicks (click here to see the picture, that glowing blue one looks like its begging Zac to kiss it gently). The New York Post says that when Zac realized the pap was taking pictures of him in a garden of toy dicks, he ran after the pap. A witness type said this to the Post:
“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures. He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.”
The pap refused, so Zac’s spokeswhores quickly put out a statement saying that he was at the sex store to film a scene for his new movie. So Zac Efron was shooting a scene with a bunch of dildos as his co-stars (wouldn’t be the first time, see: High School Musical) and I’m guessing that scene is going to be in the movie, but yet he’s begging a paparazzo to delete a picture of him with a bunch of dildos? That makes sense! But whatever, Zac shouldn’t be so dramatic. It’s not like his little, innocent fans haven’t seen him with a bunch of dildos before (again, see: High School Musical). And we should all be impressed, because Zac was able to chase after that pap while a butt plug he was trying on was firmly stuck up his culo.