“Let me no if u need n e help turning yr wedding in2 an expensive spectacle! I’m pretty shure I still got at least one of my wedding planning binders around here sumwhere.“…is a text Brody Jenner might receive from his former step-sister Kim Kardashian if they were on speaking terms. Who am I kidding? She’s too busy popping bottles of sparkling Botox in honor of Blac Chyna getting their family ten tons of attention today to know about Brody’s news.
Back in the mid-to-late 2000s it felt like Brody Jenner – who was still just Brody Jenner of The Hills and not Brody Jenner of That Awful Family – dated everyone. He was linked to Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, Jayde Nicole, Avril Lavigne, Paris Hilton, and Haylie Duff. Brody’s penis has seen more mid-to-late 2000s famous cooch than a Kitson dressing room. But for the past three years, he’s been with a chick named Kaitlynn Carter. And earlier today, he announced on Instagram that they’re getting married.
“On May 4th 2016 I got engaged to my lover and my best friend @kaitlynn_carter. I couldn’t be more in love with this woman and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Oh gross, “lover“? Can you get an engagement annulled? No, using the word “lover” isn’t that bad. It’s not good either, but whatever. It does make sense that Brody would call Kaitlynn his “lover“, since their thing is fucking a lot.
No word on when this wedding will happen, or if it will be taped for a very special episode of KUWTK or I Am Cait. But let’s be honest, it totally will. I hope Brody’s future wife is ok with her wedding to turn into the ME ME ME! show starring Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and the rest of the Krew (if they’re invited). I know your name starts with a K, Kaitlynn, but as long as there are kameras around, it’s not your day.
In the event you’d like to see what the front of Kaitlynn’s face looks like, here she is with Brody at an event in Las Vegas a few months ago.
It looks like Caitlyn Jenner can go ahead and cross one of the names off her “People Who Want Me To Pay Up For That Malibu Car Crash” list. TMZ says that Caitlyn and Jessica Steindorff have settled their lawsuit. Jessica was the driver of the Prius that was rear-ended by Caitlyn’s Escalade and hit Kim Howe’s Lexus, which resulted in her being struck by an oncoming vehicle and killed back in February.
At the time the lawsuit was filed, Jennifer was asking for lost wages, personal injury, and more than $25,000 in damages and medical fees. TMZ doesn’t say just how many dollars Jennifer ended up stuffing into her purse, but one thing we know for sure is that none of them came with the dirty stink of Kardashian money. A source says the settlement was paid for completely by Caitlyn’s insurance.
Caitlyn still has two more lawsuits to deal with: one from Kim Howe’s stepchildren, and one from the family who was driving the Hummer that collided with Kim Howe’s Lexus. So, start saving those pennies, Caitlyn Jenner’s insurance company. And I guess don’t worry about saving any pennies, Caitlyn? “You might not need any extra kash, but that doesn’t excuse you from your familial obligations, so get your ass back to strolling for the paps in front of the DASH store” whispered Kris Jenner. I don’t know if they actually make money every time they’re photographed waddling to and from their cars, but I would assume so, since why else would they do it? Oh, right – attention.
Speaking of family, here’s Caitlyn’s hottest kid (don’t worry, I’m deeply ashamed every time I say those words out loud) in Las Vegas last night with his girlfriend, who is giving off some major bootleg Kylie Jenner vibes.
Brody Jenner recently did an interview with Mirror Online (via UsWeekly) and talked about sex, because Brody Jenner is a sexpert now. One of the things Brody talked about was how his younger half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, probably won’t be calling up their big brother and asking for sex advice any time soon. And it’s all thanks to growing up in the Kardashian Khompound.
“Do you seriously think they don’t know what’s up? They could teach me things! I mean, look at their older sisters. Are you kidding me?”
And if Kylie and Kendall are too busy to teach him about sex, he could always call up Scott Disick and to audit the non-stop fuckfest happening at his bachelor pad this weekend.
But really, what could an amateur sexpert like Brody teach them that they haven’t already learned from a pro like Kim Kardashian? Only in the Kima Sutra does it explain how to execute maneuvers like The Sleepy Kanye (when you slip your husband a sleeping pill so you can spend the night taking selfies), The Fame Maker (when you have sex with a famous singer’s barely-famous brother on camera), or The Non-Drowsy Kim (when someone fucks you so good that your face muscles move). Speaking of sex tapes, Brody also talked about if either of his little sisters decided to release a sex tape. Brody, STOP.
“I’d be supportive if that’s what they wanted to do. I’d congratulate them – especially if they did what I did and put an entire project together from beginning to end.”
The “project” Brody Jenner is referring to is a sex tape he made when he was 17 and destroyed shortly after. Once again, as if Brody needs to give Kendall and Kylie advice on releasing a sex tape. If they want to learn how to release a sex tape, they can sign up for their Kris Jenner’s 2-day seminar, How To Kash In Your Koochie With Kris, at Hell’s Learning Annex.
Here’s one of Brody’s little sisters (the fashion model one) getting frozen yogurt yesterday.
While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.
Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.
Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:
“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”
And in motion:
Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.
I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.
It’s a slow Sunday and I am way too hungover to shit up another Rachel Dolezal post, so here’s the overfilled Diva Cup that is Brody Jenner mouth queefing up about threesomes with his girlfriend and how the most traumatic thing he’s ever experienced is going down on a girl whose coochie situation smelled like Khlozilla’s breath after she catches salmon in a lake.
Since E!’s pact with the devil states that they must give a shit show to absolutely any whore associated with the Kartrashians, Brody is getting a sex talk show that premieres next month. To promote his new show, the douche bro Sue Johanson did an interview with GQ about fucking. Brody let everyone know that he and his current girlfriend Kaitlynn (AWKWARD ALERT) get into threesomes and that’s my brain’s cue to burp up the image of Kaitlynn filing her nails as Brody and his Dollar Tree Wilmer Valderrama friend go at it.
“We have the best sex together, but we also switch it up and do fun things as well. We’re not opposed to having somebody else join in on our sexcapades. It’s funny, because a lot of people are always nervous to bring up that subject: ‘Hey, what about having a threesome?’ I truly believe that a lot more people are a lot more receptive than you think. And when the conversation was brought up, Kaitlynn said, ‘I actually don’t mind that at all.’ So I was extremely excited about that.”
I think what Kaitlynn meant is, “I actually don’t mind that at all, because I’ll have someone to laugh at your douchetastic tattoo with.”
And as for Brody’s most “traumatic” sexual experience:
“The first time I ever went down on a girl, I was fairly young—like fourteen, fifteen. It smelled terrible, I’m not gonna lie. It was honestly the most traumatic experience for me. After that, basically I said that I’m never gonna do that ever again in my life. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s what it’s like? Jesus. I’m never doing this again—ugh!’ Like, I was completely disgusted. And then later on in life, I tried it again and was like, ‘Oh, this is totally different than the first time.’ So I think maybe the first misconception was that it smelled like that on every girl. That’s definitely not the case.”
But what I want to know is, how did the chocha smell afterward? Because well, it’s been claimed that a coochie’s supposed to smell like fresh laundry and tropical rain after encountering a gigantic douchebag.
Here’s Brody and Kaitlynn with a K at the Entourage premiere a little while ago.
You’ve got to hand it to Pimp Mama Kris; she truly is an innovator when it comes to discovering more grotesque ways for her gaggle of slutty goblins to reach new levels of shamelessness. I know, I’m sure you’re thinking: “But what’s higher than leaking your own daughter’s homemade porno for profit?” Don’t worry, shameless whores always find a way.
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With A Bunch Of Low-Klass Kunts, the “Brody Gets A Not-Right Boner” saga continued when Brody Jenner admitted to his step-pimp that he got a little turned on by seeing Kim Kardashian dressed like a cheap marshmallow hooker. Then Kris accused Brody of having a crush on his step-sister since he was 7-years-old, to which Brody denied (because – DUH – having a crush on a skanky narcolepsy-faced Botox demon is the kind of secret you take to your grave). But instead of leaving it at that, Brody dragged his brother Brandon Jenner down into the pits of poor taste hell by accusing him of having a crush on Kim and going so far as kissing his step-sister. Brody never says when the kiss happened, but it was probably when they were kids, because you know if it happened any time in the past 7 years, Kris would have filmed it, burned DVD copies, taped them to Kim’s porno, and marketed it as a special KUWTK edition 2-disc set.
Brandon, who was sitting directly across from his wife, keeps denying it and tries to change the subject, but Kris keeps shrieking “YOU KISSED KIM??” in hopes of drawing more information out of him. And not because she thinks it’s not-right for two step-siblings to make out, either; she was probably pissed that Kim was turning tricks without her. “Was it just a kiss? Kisses start at $50. She probably gave you a blow job too. That’s an extra $200. I take cash or cheques. Pay me in full by the end of the day, and I’ll throw in an on-the-house handy from Khloe.” It doesn’t matter that Brandon is family; none of Kris’s bitches work pro-bono!
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
“Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
Brody Jenner is giving me a little Tom Ford in the face, and yeah, I don’t hate it, but he had to go and ruin it all with the douche fingers. What a shame. Bruce Jenner must be so embarrassed that none of his children can even come close to achieving the same level of devastating flawless beauty as he.
But enough about immaculate earth angel Bruce Jenner; this is about the feud between his Drakkar Noir-scented douchebag son and his narcoleptic porn star step-daughter. Despite being THE premier showcase for reality show has-beens and never-wases, Brody Jenner didn’t attend Kim Kardashian’s biennial wedding ceremony last month because he was “busy”. Even though he didn’t fall out of Pimp Mama Kris’s fame whore hole, some of her stunt queen DNA must have rubbed off on him, because Brody made sure to drop everything he was doing (nothing is a thing you can do) to make a big show of attending the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush this weekend. Brody is about as subtle as the padding in a Kardashian’s ass.
Then on Monday, while Brody was walking the red carpet for the 9th Annual All-Star Celebrity Kickoff Party (we’re really playing fast and loose with the definition of the word “star”, aren’t we), he was asked if it was intentional that he skipped Kim’s dumb attention whore extravaganza. Instead of answering truthfully by saying “DUH! I’d rather get a root canal though my asshole”, Brody replied:
“Kim’s was in Paris. I was working. Kim was in Paris, and it’s as simple as that. So yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous that everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. Reggie’s been a friend of mine for a very long time. So it’s all good.”
Then he added: “Besides, it’s not a big deal. Kim will have many many many many more weddings that I can pretend I’m too busy to go to.”
Here’s more of Brody at the 9th Annual Not-Stars Celebrity-ish Kickoff Party on Monday night looking like what you’d see if you threw one of Ashton Kutcher’s nut hairs under a microscope:
Brody Jenner Went To Reggie Bush’s Wedding After Skipping Kim Kardashian’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony Last Month
Brody Jenner wasn’t in Italy when Lucifer’s most-prized hooker whore Kim Kartrashian married the Illuminati joker Kanye West in front of a wall of moldy cauliflower covered in yeast infection sauce last month, because he said he had already booked a DJ gig in Chicago and had to work. That excuse was hilarious, because: a) Brody Jenner is acting like he works and; b) Somebody paid Brody Jenner to hit the shuffle icon on an iTunes playlist. But at the time, “sources” said that Brody didn’t go to Kim’s latest wedding, because Kim and Kanye are shameless fame whore demons who didn’t give an invitation to Brody’s girlfriend but did give an invitation to the likes of Jaden Smith. Besides, Brody figured that once you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at one fake Kim Kuntrashian wedding, you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at all of them. Well, cut to one month later, when Brody threw up a picture on his Instagram of him and his girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter smiling at Reggie Bush’s wedding in San Diego, CA yesterday. The beautiful shade of it all.
People says that Reggie Bush married Lilit Avagyan, a professional dancer and a Kim Kardashian wax figure made out of parts discarded from a factory-defected OctoMom wax figure, at the Grand Del Mar Resort in San Diego. Lilit and Reggie started rubbing their nipples together three years ago and 14 months ago she gave birth to their daughter Briseis. The groom wore way too many clothes and the bride wore a stunningly exquisite mermaid gown that accentuated her suffocating exercise ball titties and made her look like a Reno, NV stripper turned third tier mob wife on her wedding day circa 1987.
Brody Jenner is a Summer’s Eve bottle in a curly mop and he’s never been accused of making good decisions (see: the tattoo of his last name in modern douche font), but he has redeemed himself by going to the wedding of his stepsister’s ex-boyfriend and a more elegant and natural version of her. The only way this could be better is if Annie Leibovitz took that Instagram picture. And any thing that makes Pimp Mama Kris take a moment from siphoning the innocence out of a newborn baby to scream and rage is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Here’s that Lilit trick taking her smushed chichis for a walk in Beverly Hills the other day.
Before you start gathering your things in response to what sounds like first sign of the apocalypse, please be assured that, no, Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t sunk her claws into Leonardo DiCaprio by sending Khloe Kardashian over to his house in a pair of Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a rag soaked in ether. Page Six says that Leo decided to catch some hos at Frankie Delgado’s birthday party on Sunday with professional famous friend Lukas Haas. Upon arrival, he began scanning the crowd for skinny 20-year-old model ass like a bony butt-hunting T-1000, and noticed that the DJ was sometime Kardashian step-brother Brody Jenner. Next to Brody was his brother Brandon Jenner, as well as the flawless shimmering jewel in the Kardashian Krown, Bruce Jenner.
That’s when the fog of booze and coke cleared from Leo’s bloated horny lizard brain and he realized they were filming an episode of Keeping Up With Lucifer’s Low-Klass Trash. A source claims he and Lukas refused to enter the party for fear of being filmed for KUWTK and chose to wait outside until the filming was over. Wow, you know your shit stinks when it’s able to keep Leo away from the ladies.
Page Six also says Paris Hilton arrived at the party and pulled a 180 just like Leo because she didn’t want anything to do with KUWTK either. Although in defence of the KUWTK film crew, they probably wouldn’t have filmed her anyways, since they have enough footage of Z-list has-beens left over from Kim and Kanye’s wedding.
And I don’t think Leo left because he didn’t want his Academy Award-nominated face to appear in such low-level garbage as KUWTK. I think he was forced to make a quick exit after getting the dizzy, light-headed feeling that comes from gazing upon Bruce Jenner’s breathtaking beauty. It probably gave him flashbacks to the fish tank scene in Romeo + Juliet.