On Saturday, Brody Jenner went from the hot bro LC used to shed fake tears over on The Hills to husband to Kaitlynn Carter.
Back when it was first announced that 34-year-old Brody and 29-year-old Kaitlyn were getting hitched, I predicted their special day would be filmed for an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. But it wasn’t filmed for anything, because as expected, neither Kendall, Kylie, or Caitlyn Jenner were there. Kendall and Kylie’s empty seats weren’t much of a surprise. Brody told People last week that neither of them RSVP’d to their invitations. To be fair, maybe he didn’t know their current address; I mean, he didn’t even know Kylie was pregnant.
Caitlyn, on the other hand, refused to go, because if there was going to be a Kaitlynn Jenner at that wedding being given the center of attention, it would be the original, godddamn it! Caitlyn reportedly let Brody know she had a “work commitment” that she couldn’t get out of. Thankfully, Caitlyn and her daughters can see everything they missed by purchasing this week’s issue of People:
Brody and Kaitlynn got married in front of 50 family members at a resort on Suma Island, off the coast of Indonesia. It was the same resort in which Brody proposed back in 2016 (they met at a party in 2013). Thank god Brody doesn’t have a TMI sex talk show anymore. I’m sure none of those 50 guests wanted to spend any time during the reception trying not to make eye contact with Brody on the mic as he asks if anyone has any questions about what he was planning to do in the honeymoon suit that night.
Kris Jenner’s DNA must have some kind of co-dependent XX chromosome ladder chain that bonds all her daughters to each other. Because they all seem like they can’t take a shit without inviting the rest of their family into the bathroomfor a group selfie. The Jenner DNA, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have such a strong bond. When it came time to let everyone know that little Kylie Jenner was pregnant, not all of her biological siblings were notified, like her half-brother Brody Jenner.
TMZ ran into Brody at LAX yesterday and asked him if he’s met his eight-day-old new niece, Stormi Webster. Brody has not, and admitted that he didn’t know Kylie was pregnant and said he hasn’t spoken to her in “a couple” of years or “a year and a half.” Because Brody thinks Kylie has just been “busy.” Is that the official excuse provided by the Kardashian-Jenners when they officially decide to ice someone out for insubordination? Caitlyn, chime in here if you can.
Brody and the Kardashian-Jenners haven’t exactly been close in recent years. So it probably shouldn’t be that much of a shock that Kylie kept her older half-brother out of the loop. Still, Brody says he would like to meet his niece Stormi. That’s nice. But he probably shouldn’t just drop in unannounced. Kylie is going to want to alert Kris, who will in turn make sure that there’s at least a couple KUWTK cameras around to catch it. Like when Brody introduces himself to Stormi, then to Kylie before realizing he didn’t recognize her with her latest face. Completely unscripted awkwardness is reality TV paydirt.
“Let me no if u need n e help turning yr wedding in2 an expensive spectacle! I’m pretty shure I still got at least one of my wedding planning binders around here sumwhere.“…is a text Brody Jenner might receive from his former step-sister Kim Kardashian if they were on speaking terms. Who am I kidding? She’s too busy popping bottles of sparkling Botox in honor of Blac Chyna getting their family ten tons of attention today to know about Brody’s news.
Back in the mid-to-late 2000s it felt like Brody Jenner – who was still just Brody Jenner of The Hills and not Brody Jenner of That Awful Family – dated everyone. He was linked to Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, Jayde Nicole, Avril Lavigne, Paris Hilton, and Haylie Duff. Brody’s penis has seen more mid-to-late 2000s famous cooch than a Kitson dressing room. But for the past three years, he’s been with a chick named Kaitlynn Carter. And earlier today, he announced on Instagram that they’re getting married.
“On May 4th 2016 I got engaged to my lover and my best friend @kaitlynn_carter. I couldn’t be more in love with this woman and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Oh gross, “lover“? Can you get an engagement annulled? No, using the word “lover” isn’t that bad. It’s not good either, but whatever. It does make sense that Brody would call Kaitlynn his “lover“, since their thing is fucking a lot.
No word on when this wedding will happen, or if it will be taped for a very special episode of KUWTK or I Am Cait. But let’s be honest, it totally will. I hope Brody’s future wife is ok with her wedding to turn into the ME ME ME! show starring Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and the rest of the Krew (if they’re invited). I know your name starts with a K, Kaitlynn, but as long as there are kameras around, it’s not your day.
In the event you’d like to see what the front of Kaitlynn’s face looks like, here she is with Brody at an event in Las Vegas a few months ago.
It looks like Caitlyn Jenner can go ahead and cross one of the names off her “People Who Want Me To Pay Up For That Malibu Car Crash” list. TMZ says that Caitlyn and Jessica Steindorff have settled their lawsuit. Jessica was the driver of the Prius that was rear-ended by Caitlyn’s Escalade and hit Kim Howe’s Lexus, which resulted in her being struck by an oncoming vehicle and killed back in February.
At the time the lawsuit was filed, Jennifer was asking for lost wages, personal injury, and more than $25,000 in damages and medical fees. TMZ doesn’t say just how many dollars Jennifer ended up stuffing into her purse, but one thing we know for sure is that none of them came with the dirty stink of Kardashian money. A source says the settlement was paid for completely by Caitlyn’s insurance.
Caitlyn still has two more lawsuits to deal with: one from Kim Howe’s stepchildren, and one from the family who was driving the Hummer that collided with Kim Howe’s Lexus. So, start saving those pennies, Caitlyn Jenner’s insurance company. And I guess don’t worry about saving any pennies, Caitlyn? “You might not need any extra kash, but that doesn’t excuse you from your familial obligations, so get your ass back to strolling for the paps in front of the DASH store” whispered Kris Jenner. I don’t know if they actually make money every time they’re photographed waddling to and from their cars, but I would assume so, since why else would they do it? Oh, right – attention.
Speaking of family, here’s Caitlyn’s hottest kid (don’t worry, I’m deeply ashamed every time I say those words out loud) in Las Vegas last night with his girlfriend, who is giving off some major bootleg Kylie Jenner vibes.
Brody Jenner recently did an interview with Mirror Online (via UsWeekly) and talked about sex, because Brody Jenner is a sexpert now. One of the things Brody talked about was how his younger half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, probably won’t be calling up their big brother and asking for sex advice any time soon. And it’s all thanks to growing up in the Kardashian Khompound.
“Do you seriously think they don’t know what’s up? They could teach me things! I mean, look at their older sisters. Are you kidding me?”
And if Kylie and Kendall are too busy to teach him about sex, he could always call up Scott Disick and to audit the non-stop fuckfest happening at his bachelor pad this weekend.
But really, what could an amateur sexpert like Brody teach them that they haven’t already learned from a pro like Kim Kardashian? Only in the Kima Sutra does it explain how to execute maneuvers like The Sleepy Kanye (when you slip your husband a sleeping pill so you can spend the night taking selfies), The Fame Maker (when you have sex with a famous singer’s barely-famous brother on camera), or The Non-Drowsy Kim (when someone fucks you so good that your face muscles move). Speaking of sex tapes, Brody also talked about if either of his little sisters decided to release a sex tape. Brody, STOP.
“I’d be supportive if that’s what they wanted to do. I’d congratulate them – especially if they did what I did and put an entire project together from beginning to end.”
The “project” Brody Jenner is referring to is a sex tape he made when he was 17 and destroyed shortly after. Once again, as if Brody needs to give Kendall and Kylie advice on releasing a sex tape. If they want to learn how to release a sex tape, they can sign up for their Kris Jenner’s 2-day seminar, How To Kash In Your Koochie With Kris, at Hell’s Learning Annex.
Here’s one of Brody’s little sisters (the fashion model one) getting frozen yogurt yesterday.
While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.
Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.
Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:
“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”
And in motion:
Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.
I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.