It’s a slow Sunday and I am way too hungover to shit up another Rachel Dolezal post, so here’s the overfilled Diva Cup that is Brody Jenner mouth queefing up about threesomes with his girlfriend and how the most traumatic thing he’s ever experienced is going down on a girl whose coochie situation smelled like Khlozilla’s breath after she catches salmon in a lake.
Since E!’s pact with the devil states that they must give a shit show to absolutely any whore associated with the Kartrashians, Brody is getting a sex talk show that premieres next month. To promote his new show, the douche bro Sue Johanson did an interview with GQ about fucking. Brody let everyone know that he and his current girlfriend Kaitlynn (AWKWARD ALERT) get into threesomes and that’s my brain’s cue to burp up the image of Kaitlynn filing her nails as Brody and his Dollar Tree Wilmer Valderrama friend go at it.
“We have the best sex together, but we also switch it up and do fun things as well. We’re not opposed to having somebody else join in on our sexcapades. It’s funny, because a lot of people are always nervous to bring up that subject: ‘Hey, what about having a threesome?’ I truly believe that a lot more people are a lot more receptive than you think. And when the conversation was brought up, Kaitlynn said, ‘I actually don’t mind that at all.’ So I was extremely excited about that.”
I think what Kaitlynn meant is, “I actually don’t mind that at all, because I’ll have someone to laugh at your douchetastic tattoo with.”
And as for Brody’s most “traumatic” sexual experience:
“The first time I ever went down on a girl, I was fairly young—like fourteen, fifteen. It smelled terrible, I’m not gonna lie. It was honestly the most traumatic experience for me. After that, basically I said that I’m never gonna do that ever again in my life. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s what it’s like? Jesus. I’m never doing this again—ugh!’ Like, I was completely disgusted. And then later on in life, I tried it again and was like, ‘Oh, this is totally different than the first time.’ So I think maybe the first misconception was that it smelled like that on every girl. That’s definitely not the case.”
But what I want to know is, how did the chocha smell afterward? Because well, it’s been claimed that a coochie’s supposed to smell like fresh laundry and tropical rain after encountering a gigantic douchebag.
Here’s Brody and Kaitlynn with a K at the Entourage premiere a little while ago.
You’ve got to hand it to Pimp Mama Kris; she truly is an innovator when it comes to discovering more grotesque ways for her gaggle of slutty goblins to reach new levels of shamelessness. I know, I’m sure you’re thinking: “But what’s higher than leaking your own daughter’s homemade porno for profit?” Don’t worry, shameless whores always find a way.
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With A Bunch Of Low-Klass Kunts, the “Brody Gets A Not-Right Boner” saga continued when Brody Jenner admitted to his step-pimp that he got a little turned on by seeing Kim Kardashian dressed like a cheap marshmallow hooker. Then Kris accused Brody of having a crush on his step-sister since he was 7-years-old, to which Brody denied (because – DUH – having a crush on a skanky narcolepsy-faced Botox demon is the kind of secret you take to your grave). But instead of leaving it at that, Brody dragged his brother Brandon Jenner down into the pits of poor taste hell by accusing him of having a crush on Kim and going so far as kissing his step-sister. Brody never says when the kiss happened, but it was probably when they were kids, because you know if it happened any time in the past 7 years, Kris would have filmed it, burned DVD copies, taped them to Kim’s porno, and marketed it as a special KUWTK edition 2-disc set.
Brandon, who was sitting directly across from his wife, keeps denying it and tries to change the subject, but Kris keeps shrieking “YOU KISSED KIM??” in hopes of drawing more information out of him. And not because she thinks it’s not-right for two step-siblings to make out, either; she was probably pissed that Kim was turning tricks without her. “Was it just a kiss? Kisses start at $50. She probably gave you a blow job too. That’s an extra $200. I take cash or cheques. Pay me in full by the end of the day, and I’ll throw in an on-the-house handy from Khloe.” It doesn’t matter that Brandon is family; none of Kris’s bitches work pro-bono!
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
“Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
Brody Jenner is giving me a little Tom Ford in the face, and yeah, I don’t hate it, but he had to go and ruin it all with the douche fingers. What a shame. Bruce Jenner must be so embarrassed that none of his children can even come close to achieving the same level of devastating flawless beauty as he.
But enough about immaculate earth angel Bruce Jenner; this is about the feud between his Drakkar Noir-scented douchebag son and his narcoleptic porn star step-daughter. Despite being THE premier showcase for reality show has-beens and never-wases, Brody Jenner didn’t attend Kim Kardashian’s biennial wedding ceremony last month because he was “busy”. Even though he didn’t fall out of Pimp Mama Kris’s fame whore hole, some of her stunt queen DNA must have rubbed off on him, because Brody made sure to drop everything he was doing (nothing is a thing you can do) to make a big show of attending the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush this weekend. Brody is about as subtle as the padding in a Kardashian’s ass.
Then on Monday, while Brody was walking the red carpet for the 9th Annual All-Star Celebrity Kickoff Party (we’re really playing fast and loose with the definition of the word “star”, aren’t we), he was asked if it was intentional that he skipped Kim’s dumb attention whore extravaganza. Instead of answering truthfully by saying “DUH! I’d rather get a root canal though my asshole”, Brody replied:
“Kim’s was in Paris. I was working. Kim was in Paris, and it’s as simple as that. So yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous that everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. Reggie’s been a friend of mine for a very long time. So it’s all good.”
Then he added: “Besides, it’s not a big deal. Kim will have many many many many more weddings that I can pretend I’m too busy to go to.”
Here’s more of Brody at the 9th Annual Not-Stars Celebrity-ish Kickoff Party on Monday night looking like what you’d see if you threw one of Ashton Kutcher’s nut hairs under a microscope:
Brody Jenner Went To Reggie Bush’s Wedding After Skipping Kim Kardashian’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony Last Month
Brody Jenner wasn’t in Italy when Lucifer’s most-prized hooker whore Kim Kartrashian married the Illuminati joker Kanye West in front of a wall of moldy cauliflower covered in yeast infection sauce last month, because he said he had already booked a DJ gig in Chicago and had to work. That excuse was hilarious, because: a) Brody Jenner is acting like he works and; b) Somebody paid Brody Jenner to hit the shuffle icon on an iTunes playlist. But at the time, “sources” said that Brody didn’t go to Kim’s latest wedding, because Kim and Kanye are shameless fame whore demons who didn’t give an invitation to Brody’s girlfriend but did give an invitation to the likes of Jaden Smith. Besides, Brody figured that once you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at one fake Kim Kuntrashian wedding, you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at all of them. Well, cut to one month later, when Brody threw up a picture on his Instagram of him and his girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter smiling at Reggie Bush’s wedding in San Diego, CA yesterday. The beautiful shade of it all.
People says that Reggie Bush married Lilit Avagyan, a professional dancer and a Kim Kardashian wax figure made out of parts discarded from a factory-defected OctoMom wax figure, at the Grand Del Mar Resort in San Diego. Lilit and Reggie started rubbing their nipples together three years ago and 14 months ago she gave birth to their daughter Briseis. The groom wore way too many clothes and the bride wore a stunningly exquisite mermaid gown that accentuated her suffocating exercise ball titties and made her look like a Reno, NV stripper turned third tier mob wife on her wedding day circa 1987.
Brody Jenner is a Summer’s Eve bottle in a curly mop and he’s never been accused of making good decisions (see: the tattoo of his last name in modern douche font), but he has redeemed himself by going to the wedding of his stepsister’s ex-boyfriend and a more elegant and natural version of her. The only way this could be better is if Annie Leibovitz took that Instagram picture. And any thing that makes Pimp Mama Kris take a moment from siphoning the innocence out of a newborn baby to scream and rage is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Here’s that Lilit trick taking her smushed chichis for a walk in Beverly Hills the other day.
Before you start gathering your things in response to what sounds like first sign of the apocalypse, please be assured that, no, Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t sunk her claws into Leonardo DiCaprio by sending Khloe Kardashian over to his house in a pair of Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a rag soaked in ether. Page Six says that Leo decided to catch some hos at Frankie Delgado’s birthday party on Sunday with professional famous friend Lukas Haas. Upon arrival, he began scanning the crowd for skinny 20-year-old model ass like a bony butt-hunting T-1000, and noticed that the DJ was sometime Kardashian step-brother Brody Jenner. Next to Brody was his brother Brandon Jenner, as well as the flawless shimmering jewel in the Kardashian Krown, Bruce Jenner.
That’s when the fog of booze and coke cleared from Leo’s bloated horny lizard brain and he realized they were filming an episode of Keeping Up With Lucifer’s Low-Klass Trash. A source claims he and Lukas refused to enter the party for fear of being filmed for KUWTK and chose to wait outside until the filming was over. Wow, you know your shit stinks when it’s able to keep Leo away from the ladies.
Page Six also says Paris Hilton arrived at the party and pulled a 180 just like Leo because she didn’t want anything to do with KUWTK either. Although in defence of the KUWTK film crew, they probably wouldn’t have filmed her anyways, since they have enough footage of Z-list has-beens left over from Kim and Kanye’s wedding.
And I don’t think Leo left because he didn’t want his Academy Award-nominated face to appear in such low-level garbage as KUWTK. I think he was forced to make a quick exit after getting the dizzy, light-headed feeling that comes from gazing upon Bruce Jenner’s breathtaking beauty. It probably gave him flashbacks to the fish tank scene in Romeo + Juliet.
Two days after Pimp Mama Kris tried to pull up the ratings of her reality shit show by announcing that she and her prisoner Bruce Jenner have been separated for a whole year, TMZ said that Brody and Brandon Jenner screamed “Hallelujah!” while dancing around their daddy as he re-attached his nuts to his crotch with a needle and thread.
Some source told TMZ that right after Auntie Bruce married Pimp Mama Kris, he pretty much abandoned Brody and Brandon and didn’t pay child support to their mother Linda Thompson for years. Brody and Brandon believe that their evil cunt of a stepmother was the one who pulled Bruce away from them. Now that Auntie Bruce is free from Lucifer’s whoriest minion and living in Malibu, he’s spending more time with Brody and Brandon and trying to repair their relationship.
All of that made sense to me, because in one of the only episodes of KUWTK I’ve seen (for research! FOR RESEARCH!), there was a scene on a yacht where Brody looked like every muscle in his body was snapping from trying to keep himself from throwing that whore overboard and screaming at the captain to book it, bitch. But wait, a quick second after TMZ threw up that story, both Brody and PMK Instagrammed a natural and candid picture of all four of them smiling while spending some quality time together.
I like how PMK added the hashtag: #sorryTMZgotitwrongAGAINLOL. #sorryPMKbutdontactlikeyoudidntleakthatstoryyourselfLOL.
PMK and TMZ are like fuck buddies who don’t want everyone to know that they’re fuck buddies, so they pretend to hate each other in public. PMK probably gave that story to TMZ to drag this out for maximum attention and then she got even more attention by posting a touching family portrait while pretending to slap at TMZ. You can always count on PMK to take desperation to levels you didn’t know existed.
And here’s the happy family posing on the floor of their foyer:
Touching IS PMK posing with Bruce (who is looking more and more like Lindsay Lohan: the Metamucil years), Brody and Brandon in the front hallway after giving them a stack of hundreds to do so. Speaking of touching, I don’t want to know what PMK is doing with her right elbow…