That Wig On “Alicia Silverstone” Though…

Do yourself a favor and get into these clips from Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy biopic. This shit is so low-budget that I think it might be a prank.  I was waiting for Jimmy Kimmel, no scratch that – Seth Meyers to walk out. This is Lifetime’s attempt to grab ahold of that Sharknado-type viral success, right? No one can act, that girl looks not a thing like the much-missed Murphy, and holy shite, THAT WIG ON “ALICIA SILVERSTONE.” Did someone from The Craft cast a curse on that girl? What in hell does she have going on under there that required that on her head? I think it’s still attached to whatever animal died for it. And that animal has peed many times and it’s dried. They couldn’t afford an actual blonde? Did they spent too much (a Tan-O-Rama Groupon)) hiring the girl in the Mayam Bialik chapeau? Maybe they put the money aside in case Brittany’s trashbag dad actually sues and (jn a surreal moment) wins? Continue reading

Brittany Murphy’s Deadbeat Dad Plans To Sue Lifetime For Making A Movie About His Daughter

When it was announced yesterday that Lifetime was set to air a biopic about the life and tragic death of Brittany Murphy, most of us rolled our eyes, shook our heads in disbelief, and added another name to the already too-long list of tasteless low-budget Lifetime biopics. But then after about 15 minutes, we got over it, because as if the ghost of the voice of Luanne Platter really gives a shit that some second-rate cable channel threw together a shoddy made-for-TV movie about her life.

But not Brittany’s sleazy payday-sniffin’ papa Angelo Bertolotti! Angelo pretty much split shortly after she was born, and only resurfaced once she got famous (ah, classic Hollywood cockroach parenting). Then he kind of split again after she wouldn’t let him hump on her bank account, and was estranged from her for the last 8 years of her life. But that hasn’t stopped him from using the name @BrittMurphyDad on Twitter or re-launching investigations into her death and running to the press. But Angelo is so shook-up at the idea that anyone would exploit Brittany’s death for profits! Well, you know, besides him. According to Radar, the second Angelo heard that Lifetime had made an biopic about his daughter, he immediately called up his lawyer (who I’m guessing is probably Saul Goodman) because he wants to make sure he sees a cut of the profits. NO! He’s totally not trying to hustle Lifetime for dollars! Angelo claims he’s threatening to sue the pants off them because he claims that Lifetime has not been authorized to produce the “true story” of Brittany Murphy, and because he was never consulted during production.

All this would seem like Angelo has only the best of intentions for preserving his daughter’s memory, until you realize his only memories of Brittany Murphy involve stuffing his pockets with cash, so basically he lawyered-up to #getmoneybitch. Except he’s clearly not familiar with Lifetime, otherwise he’d realize there’s no damn money to get! The production budget for House of Versace was about $2,000 (maybe $2,500, tops), and don’t get me started on that $3 disaster called The Anna Nicole Smith Story. Angelo can try to sue Lifetime, but the most he’s going to make off with is about $100 and a jacked Liz Taylor wig (and that’s if the wigs haven’t been sold on Craigslist yet).

Pic: Tumblr

NOOOOOO! Lifetime Has Made A Biopic About Brittany Murphy

In “Things that should never, ever happen, so please stop making it happen” news, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed that Lifetime, the people responsible for such embarrassing works of low-budget made-for-tv train wreck trash as Liz & Dick and the upcoming Whitney Houston biopic (oh come on, like we don’t already know that it’s going to be a fucking mess), will air a two-hour television movie titled “The Brittany Murphy Story” on September 6th. Yes, September 6th of this year, which means they threw this shit together faster than 13-year-old me throwing together a science fair project on smoking the night before by asking a friend’s mom to smoke a bunch of filtered and unfiltered cigarettes and describe which tasted smoother (I got a B+).

29-year-old Amanda Fuller of Last Man Standing will portray Brittany Murphy and ageless onyx-haired rose petal Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks, the 90s) will play Brittany’s sort-of crazy mother Sharon Murphy. No word on who plays Brittany’s husband Simon Monjack, but if it’s anyone other than Oliver Platt, I’ll be seriously pissed. The film will follow Brittany’s rise to stardom, which means we can look forward to a dollar store-looking Tai and Cher from Clueless and a knock-off Ashton Kutcher, all the way to her tragic death in 2009. Lifetime hasn’t revealed the source of the script material, but that Sharon Murphy was not consulted, nor cooperated with the production in any way.

There aren’t enough Leslie Knope NO! gifs to sum up how I feel about a Brittany Murphy biopic. Brittany Murphy was a beautiful collagen-lipped butterscotch pixie and there is no way Lifetime will do anything but take a giant stinky dump on her memory. Thank god she’s probably too busy teaching a class on adorable giggling to the angels in Heaven to notice that this shit is happening.

Brittany Murphy’s Mom Spits On The Claim That Her Daughter Was Murdered

Seen above with her son-in-law Simon Monjack in a for a real picture that she actually posed for and agreed to pose for, Brittany Murphy’s mother Sharon Murphy wrote a longer than long open letter to The Hollywood Reporter where she slapped down her ex-husband Angelo Bertolotti for farting at the mouth to the press about how he feels their daughter was murdered by the government. Angelo had Brittany’s DNA tested by an independent lab and when the reports came back, it showed that she had toxins and heavy metals in her system. Angelo screamed “POISON!” and promised to find out the truth. Sharon won’t be following Angelo through the foggy cobblestone streets as he looks for their daughter’s murderer, because she doesn’t think Brittany was murdered.

In her open letter, Sharon, writes that Angelo is smearing her daughter’s memory and pretending he was a big part of her life when he wasn’t. Sharon writes that Angelo’s face was on a milk carton for years and when Brittany started to get famous, he magically showed up, but Brittany didn’t want to have anything to do with him. The last time Brittany saw her father was three years before she died. Sharon shits on Angelo’s evidence and then drags him across that shat-on evidence.

In light of the recent publicity about a lab test Angelo had done, I have asked some knowledgeable people, and they tell me that an analysis from a sample of hair is not considered dependable unless it is backed up by tests of tissue and blood and other analysis — which he did not do (the coroner did, but they show no similar results). I am also told one lab may give different results than another lab in terms of heavy metals, and the proper method requires multiple tests before any results are released.

The lab Angelo used, if you can call it that, is an Internet site that farmed out the actual testing and then wrote horribly untrue things under the guise of “analysis.” It mentioned rat poison as a possible cause and claimed to be able to say that a third party murdered my beloved daughter.

To even mention that the heavy metals that were listed in his test are in rat poison, leading to articles suggesting Brittany ingested that or anything like it, is absurd. If she had, don’t you think it would have shown up in the coroner’s test of her blood and tissue? A reputable expert will tell you that what this lab did is an ethical violation of the highest order; to even pretend to be able to draw such conclusions on unreliable evidence is the real crime.

This report conveniently ignores what any good scientist will tell you: A hair sample can be affected by many outside factors, including hair dye, hair spray, prescription medications, foods, smoking the occasional cigarette and environmental factors. One cause we now know may have been toxic mold that was eventually discovered in that house — which may have been what really killed her.

We will never know for sure. However, we do know the Los Angeles County Coroner did extensive tests and found that she died of natural causes. And now she is a real living angel in heaven.

Sharon goes on to shit on Angelo some more for planning a book and a documentary about Brittany’s death. Sharon says that Angelo is spreading lies for his own gain.

So on one side there’s Angelo who hasn’t really been in Brittany’s life that much and popped up to get on his soap box and scream about how she was murdered by the government for supporting a whistleblower. Then on the other side there’s Sharon who doesn’t think there’s something strange about her daughter and son-in-law dying five months apart. I’m also squinting my eyes at Sharon for posing with that picture and for writing an open letter. Nothing good comes from writing an open letter. I practically write Anderson Cooper a letter every time I write a post about him and the only thing it’s gotten me is permanently banned from the CNN building.

(Pic via AP)

Brittany Murphy’s Dad Thinks The Government Killed Her And Her Husband

In an article on the Examiner yesterday, Brittany Murphy’s 82-year-old dad Angelo Bertolotti vowed to search the foggy, cobblestone streets with his magnifying glass until he found out what really happened to his daughter and her husband Simon Monjack. Angelo claims that a third party tested hair samples and found toxins and heavy metals. Angelo thinks they were poisoned to death and he thinks he knows who did it: THE GUV’MENT!

Angelo said in an interview with Fleur De Lis Film Studios (via The Daily Mail) last year that before their deaths Brittany and Simon were under surveillance. Helicopters followed them and their phones were tapped. Angelo thinks that the government wanted to shut Brittany up, because she openly supported her friend Julia Davis who sued the Department of Homeland Security. Brittany was supposed to be a witness in Julia’s lawsuit.

Julia Davis (fun fact: Julia Davis also claims she was St. Angie’s stunt double once) says that she EXPOSED a security flaw while working as a boarder security guard in California. Julia discovered that there were flaws in security that were allowing terrorists to sneak into the country. Julia says that Homeland Security didn’t like her blowing the whistle on their asses and labeled her as a “domestic terrorist.”

Unlike Angelo Bertolotti, Julia isn’t coming out and saying that a government assassin secretly snuck rat poison into Brittany’s Truvia, but she does think it was murder. Julia said this to Hollywood Life:

“We believe that she was poisoned by somebody. We’re not pointing figures at who but we would like investigators to look into. We’ve submitted formal demands to reopen the case. Hopefully the LAPD will — they had previously closed it within one hour, so clearly didn’t investigate enough. Hopefully now, they’ll do that promptly.

After blowing a whistle on Homeland Security, they targeted me on a number, 54 actually, investigations. In one of them they used Brittany’s name in claims that she had told them I was working on a movie when I was supposed to be at work. It was bogus, so Brittany came to my defense and we got her attorneys into it as well. From that point on, she was targeted by Homeland Security as was her husband, Simon. They were both placed under constant surveillance.

We would like to set the record straight because there has been so many false reports. Brittany wasn’t a junkie, she wasn’t a party girl. She was a sweet, innocent young woman. Her dad and myself want to set the record truth. She didn’t deserve to die at such a young age.”

The Los Angeles Coroner’s Office told UsWeekly that they haven’t been presented with any new evidence that Brittany died of anything other than “natural causes.”

So after reading about all of this during the past couple of days, it looks like the suspects are: the government, Brittany’s mom Sharon, who lived with her and Simon, and natural causes. I won’t make any final judgements until I see Lifetime’s movie about this starring Brittany Snow as Brittany Murphy, Beverly D’Angelo as Sharon, Rupert from Survivor as Simon and Walter White (not Bryan Cranston, Walter White the character) as Angelo Bertolotti. And I really hope that Jeremy Sisto makes a cameo, because I’d like to think that he sang an acoustic version of “Rolling with the Homies” at Brittany’s funeral.

Brittany Murphy’s Father Thinks She Was Murdered By Poison

Brittany Murphy and her husband Simon Monjack died five months apart and the Los Angeles Coroner’s office ruled that pneumonia and anemia was to blame for both of their deaths. The Coroner’s office also found multiple kinds of over-the-counter and prescription drugs in her system. But Brittany’s estranged father Angelo Bertolotti never believed that she died of “natural causes” and two years ago he filed a lawsuit against the Coroner’s office to try to get them to turn over hair, blood and tissue samples. Angelo wanted the samples, because the Los Angeles Coroner never tested for poisonous shit. ABC News says that the lawsuit was dismissed last year after Angelo didn’t show up to two hearings. But he somehow got a hold of the samples and had them tested independently by the Carlson Company in Colorado . When Angelo got the results back, he learned that his suspicions were right: something in the milk was poison.

Angelo tells The Examiner (via Radar) that the lab found toxins and heavy metals in hair samples. Angelo gave The Examiner this piece from the lab’s report:

Ten (10) of the heavy metals evaluated were detected at levels higher that the WHO [The World Health Organization] high levels… If we were to eliminate the possibility of a simultaneous accidental heavy metals exposure to the sample donor then the only logical explanation would be an exposure to these metals (toxins) administered by a third party perpetrator with likely criminal intent.

Before Brittany and Simon died, they both suffered from the dizzies, headaches, wheezing, stomach cramps, pneumonia, wheezing and breathing problems, which are symptoms of  heavy metal poisoning. (Side note: “Heavy metal poisoning” sounds like the act of forcing someone to listen to Slayer’s 7th album on a loop.) The Examiner says that heavy metals are commonly found in rat poison and insecticides.

With a pipe hanging out of his mouth and a deerstalker hat on his head, Angelo vowed to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING:

“Vicious rumors, spread by tabloids, unfairly smeared Brittany’s reputation. daughter was neither anorexic nor a drug junkie, as they repeatedly implied. I will not rest until the truth about these tragic events is told. There will be justice for Brittany.”

Some are throwing a side-eye at Angelo, because he spent a lot of time in prison for federal drug charges and it’s been reported that he was barely in Brittany’s life. After she went off to heaven to judge virgin angels who can’t drive, he started talking to the media about how he thinks his daughter’s death was shady. Brittany’s mom Sharon, who lived with her at the time of her death, thinks that toxic mold killed her daughter and her son-in-law.

So Brittany could’ve died from toxic mold, “natural causes” or she could’ve been slowly poisoned to death by a murdering whore who also wanted her husband dead. Cue up the “Unsolved Mysteries” theme song and pull Detective La Toya out of retirement, because she’s needed on the case!