Category: Britney Spears

Pop Open A Jug Of Sparkling Moonshine, A Spears Got Hitched!

March 15, 2014 / Posted by:

That Cake Wreck cake looks like it was decorated by a strung out junkie with shaky hands before it was loaded onto the back of an El Camino and driven 10 miles on a bumpy dirt road to the venue. It’s the cake version of Brit Brit’s weave. But I still would.

After being engaged to 31-year-old “business manJamie Watson for about a year, 22-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears got married to him last night in New Orleans. Yes, Jamie Lynn, the daughter of Jamie and Lynn Spears, got married to a Jamie. If the Jamies have a kid together (which they will since what else do they have to do?), they’ll probably name it Jamie Lynn Jamie Jamie Jamie. Those Spears whores keep trying hard to own the name Jamie, but the only Jamie that will ever matter is Jamie from Small Wonder.

E! News says that Jamie Lynn and Jamie’s wedding and reception went down at the Audubon Tea Room. Jamie Lynn’s 4-year-old daughter Maddie was the flower girl and Brit Brit’s boys Jayden and SPF were the ringbearers. As for Our Lady of Cheetos who should get all the credit for Jamie Lynn’s country wedding since her ass probably paid for all it, she spent the entire reception eating Jordan almonds and playing Kirby’s Dream Land on her pink Nintendo 3DS under a table somewhere.

So far, I’m disappointed by Jamie Lynn’s wedding. This is not a Spears wedding. Where is the bouquet made of torn apart Natty Light cans? Where is the 9-month baby bump under the bride’s white dress? Where is the buffet table with fine gourmet dishes like Cheetos and possum casserole and Slim Jim and raccoon stew on it? Where is the shopping cart grill with snake burgers cooking on it? Why aren’t the guests holding long-stemmed Big Gulp cups full of the homemade hillbilly wine that Daddy Spears made in a big plastic trash can in his backyard? There was none of that, but this happened:

jamielynnuggswedding

Usually when a bride wears UGGs to her wedding, the ceremony is immediately declared a Satanic ritual. But UGGs are practically a Spears family heirloom, so I’ll let it slide.

Pics: Breathe Heavy

That Gum In Brit Brit’s Mouth Is Really What Makes This Look Elegant

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above serving up “socially awkward 10-year-old who grew up in a cult her entire life and was forced to smile on picture day at her first day of public school after the compound she lived on was shut down by the feds and her parents were arrested” realness, Brit Brit was probably one of the biggest stars at the completely scripted and useless People’s Choice, I mean Publicist’s Choice Awards last night. Being around humans makes Brit Brit more nervous than when Daddy Spears tells her that she best eat the green beans part of her Hungry-Man Meal, but she agreed to show up and accept the bought-and-paid for award after he promised to buy her a BurritoBox nightstand if she did. Well, Brit Brit’s hamburger bed is about to get a burrito-making neighbor, because she fulfilled her end of the deal by putting on a purdy smile while posing with that crystal butt plug trophy.

As much as I’m happy that Brit Brit’s weave doesn’t look like a pack of bleached ferrets fighting for once, I’ve got the sads at her not posing with Justin Timberlake. JT and Brit Brit were in the same building and they couldn’t recreate one of the most glamorous moments in history by putting on their matching jean outfits and posing together for old time’s sake? Couldn’t Daddy Spears promise to buy Brit Brit a bidet that shoots out Frapps if she did that? It’s what the world needs now.

Here’s Brit Brit using the 20 words she knows (including AWESOME and COOL) to accept her award.

When she walks up those stairs, she looks like she just finished being the pass-around-bottom at an orgy and the numbing lube she smeared on her asshole is starting to wear off. I feel your pain, Brit. (Yeah, I wish.)

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Meanwhile, Miley Was Just Being Miley

December 28, 2013 / Posted by:

While Brit Brit was trying to give at least half a fuck during the opening of show Piece of Me in Las Vegas last night, Miley Cyrus was in the audience sucking up that spotlight by acting like a garden lizard on Ecstasy. Miley danced with cool mom Lynne Spears and I wish Tish Cyrus was in that picture to complete the hillbilly mess trifecta, but that anime horse was probably a few miles away in Downtown Las Vegas, doing the two-step on top of a bar at the Fremont Casino after getting drunk on sweet tea vodka.

Since Miley is clit deep in her faux lesbian phase, during the show she did the ass-to-puss grind with one of Brit Brit’s dancers while fake making out with a different one. It’s like watching the straight daughter of a Baptist preacher act all rebellious by kissing one of her girlfriends in front of a bunch of frat boys. Speaking of fathers, please don’t show this to Billy Ray. I wouldn’t be surprised if this clip gets pulled from YouTube due to the fact that NOBODY wants Billy Ray to see this.

But what really offends me is that Miley is wearing an outfit that every member from Jade wore better 20 years ago.

Here’s more pictures of Miley, Jamie Lynn Spears, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez and Glamberace at last night’s show.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

All Hail Brit Brit’s Laser-Shooting Cooter

December 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Even though Brit Brit’s pussy might be the only pussy on the planet that doesn’t go crazy when it sees a laser, this was still probably the highlight of the night….

At the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, Brit Brit’s Piece of Zzzzzz show opened and solely judging by the videos and pictures from that Ambien-induced mess, she had the energy of a battery-powered animatronic sloth whose AA batteries have 2% of power in them. Bitch nailed it!  During a total of 100 shows, spread over 2 years, Brit Brit will lip-synch and sleep dance through 24 songs, change costumes 7 times and throw 2 different wigs on her head. Brit Brit looks like she’d rather be lounging in her La-Z-Boy recliner while nibbling on Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Walmart during a Duck Dynasty marathon, but since the Spears family has more double wides and duct tape to buy, bitch’s gotta bring in those coins. You can watch a bunch of the performances here, but below is the opening.

YES at those sensible dancing shoes. Our Lady of Cheetos truly is the American dream. Bitch is doing the least while making the most.

Pics: Splash

So I Guess Brit Brit Isn’t Singing Live In Her Las Vegas Show After All…..

December 27, 2013 / Posted by:

When it was announced that Brit Brit Spears will grace Las Vegas with her natural talent for moving her mouth to a song while waving her arms, every single living thing with at least half of a working brain cell assumed that she would lip-synch like the last place winner on Puttin’ on the Hits. Or lip-synch like a deaf possum with his jaw wired shut. But Brit Brit said in an interview that she will be singing live and her beef jerky-faced manager Larry Rudolph said that she was working with a vocal coach. Well, the dress rehearsal for her show Piece of Me happened last night and if she sang live, then I’ve got a clean record at the free clinic, and she’s a singing genius, because she somehow managed to sound exactly like the album recording. She must have auto-tune installed in her vocal cords.

Of course Brit Brit isn’t going to totally sing live in her show. Showing up to a Brit Brit show and expecting sounds to come out of her mouth is like showing up to a glory hole and acting all surprised when a hard, drippy dick pokes you in the face. Above and below (that clip below looks like something out of a trailer park production of Angels in America the Musical) are clips from last night’s final dress rehearsal and it’s obvious she’s either mumbling over a track or totally lip-synching. But there’s two very good reasons for why she’s not singing live.

1. Brit Brit sounds like a chipmunk with laryngitis on helium getting attacked by a pack of hyenas when she sings live, so if she did sing live, the ASPCA and PETA would be at the stage door every night.

2. Singers who sing several times a week are told by vocal coaches to stay away from certain foods before a performance and those certain foods include anything salty, which includes CHEETOS. Can you imagine if Our Lady of Cheetos couldn’t fill her eating hole with her life food, pork rinds and other gourmet delicacies found at a 7-Eleven? The world as we know it would change. Frito-Lay would have to file for bankruptcy and Chester Cheetah would have to suck Ronald McDonald’s dick behind a dumpster to pay the rent.

So Brit Brit isn’t lip-synching for her life, she’s lip-synching for Chester Cheetah’s life!

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Beyonce Sells 500,000 Copies In Just 48 Hours

December 15, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s been almost 72 hours since the Internet cracked open and hospitals reported a 100,000% rise in concussions from hos falling back out of their chairs while downloading Beyonce’s new visual album masterpiece. The world will never be the same again and I’m sure everyone’s spending their weekend writing a 10,000 word essay on where they were when Beyonce’s album came out. They would be in church today thanking the Gods for this gift, but on the front door of every church is the note: CLOSED TODAY, GO CLEANSE YOUR SOUL BY LISTENING TO BEYONCE’S MUSICAL BIBLE INSTEAD.

Rap-Up reports that the BumbleBeys bought 80,000 copies in just 3 hours after it went up on iTunes. 24 hours later, 430,000 copies were snatched up. And HITS Daily Double says that she sold another 70,000 copies yesterday bringing the total number of downloads to 500,000 in just 48 hours. It will debut at #1 on Billboard and some predict that another 100,000 copies will be bought before the sales week ends. Lady CaCa sold 258,000 copies of ARTPOP in the US in its first week, Miley Cyrus sold 270,000 copies of Bangerz in the US in its first week and 286,000 copies of Katy Perry’s Prism were sold in the US in its first week. Beyonce pretty much scalped all those bitches without even whispering about this shit.

The release of Beyonce’s musical Bible also got more tweets per minute than Sharknado did. Sharknado pulled out 5,000 tweets per minute and Beyonce’s album pulled out 5,300 tweets per minute.

Yes, I know Christmas should be renamed Beysmas and every December we should hang lace fronts on our mantles and celebrate the day Beyonce’s album was born, but I’m really not that impressed. Do you know who sold 107,000 copies with basically zero promo and less than zero effort? Exactly:

britbrit20013albumflop

And Brit Brit didn’t even have to get in front of a mic to record all those songs on Britney Jean. Engineers and producers just pieced together her voice from other songs and a ghost singer filled in the rest. Our Lady of Cheetos doesn’t even have to take the Frapp straw out of her mouth to sell a 100,000 copies. Beyonce could never. Top that Beyonce! (Cut to next week when Beyonce releases an EP of her fart sounds and sells 2 million copies in 20 minutes.)

Britney Spears Talking About Latinos Is No Está Bien

December 14, 2013 / Posted by:

That’s “not right” in Spanish. Thank you, Google translate; my high school self wishes she’d known you.

Brit Brit gave an interview to Univision’s Despierta América (via HuffPo) wherein she swings for the fences in a really ‘clueless about culture’ way that some people are saying is borderline racist-y. If any of you teach a master class in “Oh no, please stop talking. Fuck fuck fuck she’s still talking” this interview should be Lesson 1:

At 1:21 – We start out strong with a quote that sounds like it was said by Mayella from To Kill A Mockingbird. When asked what she likes most about Latinos, she says:

“I think it’s very sexy. I’ve always loved Latinos. They make me think of the typical ‘bad boy’ type that your father wouldn’t let you go out with.”

EEEESH. All the shirt collars in the world just got bacon-neck from us nervously tugging at them with our index fingers.

At 1:58 – Britney attempts to speak Spanish. The only languages I understand are English, French, and the broken-static that comes from the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru speakers, so I have NO clue if what Britney is doing here is speaking Spanish or doing the Hispanic version of ching-chang-chong or suffering from a brain aneurysm. Either way, it feels like about an 8 on the No Está Bien scale.

At 2:16 – Finally, she wraps up her Latin interview with “Ciao, bella” kiss-fingers, which is…an Italian thing.

Oh Britney.

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Brit Brit’s Video For “Perfume” Is Here

December 10, 2013 / Posted by:

The perfume that Brit Brit keeps singing about must be made of 98% chloroform, because this video is visual Ambien. That topless piece Brit Brit’s singing on was obviously drugged into a temporary coma and she looks like she’s on the verge of going mimi times, because she just ate a lunch of orange chicken from Panda Express and a Crunchtada from Del Taco. The video’s pretty basic. Our Lady of Cheetos and some hot model type hang around in some empty motel in Barstow and roam the streets looking for a fix or some shit. Then the video switches to shots of Brit Brit singing in a truck all alone while her piece hangs around in that same empty motel with some home wrecking, brown-haired slut.

I stuck two crunchy Cheetos under my eyelids and watched the entire thing. After watching it, I wasn’t sure who the side piece was: that hussy tramp Cindy or Brit Brit? And then I realized that I should probably re-enter preschool, because I’m not clear on the plot points of a fucking Britney Spears video. That’s like needing the Cliff Notes for a Dick and Jane book. When a Brit Brit video is too complex for you to understand, it’s time to excuse yourself to go and eat glue at the round table.

And the director of this video, Joseph Khan, said on Twitter that the video was supposed to be more complex, but Team Brit Brit forced him to tame it:

Breaking Badney? I’m taking that to mean that Brit Brit and that whore Cindy are rival drugs lords and the dude is a dealer who switches sides. So Brit Brit kills both of them in a motel room, uses one of her stank perfumes to hide the scent of their murder, throws their bodies in the trunk of a car, puts on her pink wig and drives off into the desert with London in the passenger seat. The end.

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Brit Brit Cleans Up Nice

December 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Britney Spears came out to Planet Hollywood in Vegas last night looking good- the hair is on point, the tits look reeled in and there’s no sign of Cheeto dust anywhere- all major plusses!

Billboard says the event was to kick off Britney’s Vegas show starting December 27 and tickets will go from $59 to $229 in a nightclub-ish theatre that will thankfully have bottle service. I know there are some ride or die Britney fans out there, but for $200, I’d better be plastered enough to try and hump the gay guy next to me during “Womanizer” and end the night singing “Oops, I Did It Again” better than Brit ever has between heaves in the ladies room toilet. I might just be bitter because any attempts at nailing her choreography over the years has looked way less “I’m A Slave 4 U” and way more like this.

Here are pics of Britney looking like someone sent Lenny Kravitz in character from The Hunger Games to give her the Katniss Everdeen treatment. It looks like a definite upgrade from one of their previous meetings where Brit wore an outfit made from the curtains of  a gentleman’s club Champagne Room and Lenny dressed up as the magic carpet from Aladdin.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

Robin Thicke Probably (Read: Definitely) Did Britney Spears Back In 2003

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Here we go again. Another day, another story about Robin Thicke’s wandering dick. You’d think his peen would get tired and request a day off or a vacation or something. Robin’s dick should bring that up at his next performance evaluation; at the very least, he deserves an epsom salt soak or an undisturbed nap on the couch.

Confirming that we already know that Robin is a lean, mean, man-whoring machine from way back, In Touch is reporting that 10 years ago, Robin Thicke put on his best Beetlejuice courtin’ suit to woo a post-Justin Timberlake-breakup Britney Jean Spears:

“The pair had a fling in 2003 – when Britney was at the top of her game and Robin was trying to get recognized. “He was trying hard to develop a reputation as a hot, young singer, and Brinet was the biggest thing in show business,” the source tells In Touch, sharing that the two met collaborating on a project (which was never released) and “started hooking up.”

And we all know how this storybook romance ends: In January 2004, Britney married Jason “Not the Seinfeld One” Alexander in Las Vegas (a decision that heralded in the Brit Brit Cray Cray Years) and Robin continued his long-term relationship with his high school sweetheart Paula Patton. Of course, Robin’s reps are denying the story because we all know Robin would never, ever cheat on Paula Patton bla bla bla.

Hold on a second. 2003 Britney Spears was top-of-her-game, kissing-Madonna-in-a-wedding-dress, In The Zone Britney. There was no better Britney. But 2004 Britney Spears was Las Vegas-marriage, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, shitty-cover-of-My Perogative pregnant Britney. And now we know that between 2003 and 2004, Britney hooked up with Robin Thicke. Oh dear god…WHAT DID YOUR DICK DO TO BRITNEY SPEARS, ROBIN?!? I’ve heard of ‘Don’t stick your dick in crazy’, but this is more like ‘Don’t let a dick stick crazy in you’.

One good thing I can say about Robin Thicke is that, at the very least, he had some common sense; imagine if he’d picked 2003 Christina Aguilera instead? That’s a stank some men are still trying to scrub off to this day. Although, who am I kidding; Robin Thicke’s 2003 Fuck List probably includes Xtina, Michelle Branch, a Nokia 1100 cellphone, and all the backup dancers from André 3000’s music video for Hey Ya!

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