Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.
But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!
The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.
Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.
I can’t decide if John Stamos’ belly button looks like a mushroom-headed dick poking out of his stomach or a skin-colored clown nose or the button nose of a bearded old man with no eyes? Well, whatever it looks like, I’d still lube it up with Dannon Oikos yogurt and hit it.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, he presented the 8th edition of the segment where famous types read mean tweets written by either Jimmy Kimmel’s writing team or actual Twatterers. This one gave us Lela Durham (copyright: Valerie Cherish) and her dog tits, John Stamos’ bubble belly button, Lisa Kudrow (who gets an A+++ in reacting), crack head Jon Hamm, raper-faced Scott Foley, Bob Newhart, Ted Danson and his majestic silver cliff of hair and Brit Brit who wore a turkey oven bag and looked like she laughed to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and Frapps. Most of these are good, but out of the billions of mean tweets about Goopy Paltrow, that’s the one they chose?!
Big Bird should’ve read that first one, because nothing is meaner than being compared to Goopy.
In “This Is Some Brand New Information That Has Deleted My Body’s Supply of SHOCK” news, The Daily Mail says that Daddy Spears is a master puppeteer who controls every single piece of Our Lady of Cheetos’ life including who she goes on romantic Cheesecake Factory dates with.
When Normal Guy Dave was pink-slipped for insubordination (read: reportedly passing his peen to another while dating Brit Brit) a couple of months ago, Daddy Spears immediately channeled the Millionaire Matchmaker and started huntin’ for a new contract boyfriend for his hillbilly moneymaker. Some source tells the literary journal of truthful truths, The Daily Mail, that Brit Brit is one of those can’t be without a man types and her papa je’e’ thinks she’s happiest when she’s got a boyfriend. So Daddy Spears went on the hunt and found 31-year-old producer Charlie Ebersol.
Daddy Spears finally got his shit together and managed to hire a member of Hollywood royalty (we are talking about Susan Saint James here) for the title of Brit Brit Spears’ newest chaperone/boyfriend/doggy bag holder. Just two months after Normal Guy Dave got pink-slipped and took his ass to the back of the unemployment line, Brit Brit has started hanging around Charlie Ebersol, seen above in costume (I fucking hope) at his 30th birthday party 2 years ago. Charlie is the son of big-time TV producer Dick Ebersol and Susan Saint James. I know, Daddy Spears moves fast.
E! News says that Our Lady of Cheetos and this Charlie Ebersol dude met through “friends” and have been dating for only a few weeks. Some source dribbled this out:
“He is the sweetest guy ever and they are very much enjoying getting to know one another. They are both very happy and having fun. It’s just the beginning so no idea if it will become serious but right now they are having a lot of fun together.”
Charlie’s dad conceived Saturday Night Live with Lorne Michaels and he was the head bitch of NBC Sports for a while. I’m assuming everybody learned about Susan Saint James in American history class, so I’m not going to tell you all the stuff she was in. Charlie followed in his father’s producing footsteps and recently produced a non-trashy reality show called The Moment which helped people get a second chance at making their career goals come true. The show was special to Charlie, because he survived a 2004 plane crash that killed his brother Teddy.
Charlie also used to bump nipples with Sophia Bush and Maria Sharapova.
I don’t even know what a member of Hollywood royalty (again I’m saying that because his mom is Susan Fucking Saint James) and a member of hillbilly royalty have to talk about? Probably Breaking Bad. That’s usually what straight people talk about, right? If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. Talk is cheap when you’re one of Brit Brit’s contract pieces. All Charlie has to know how to do is order a Frapp, hold a Cheesecake Factory doggy bag and busy himself while she watches Frozen on her phone in between courses at Buffalo Wild Wings. I hope Daddy Spears signed Charlie to a long-term contract so that he can take Brit Brit home to meet his mom and Susan Saint James can inject some much-needed culture into her by showing her How to Beat the High Co$t of Living.
And here’s Brit Brit looking like she just got a shot of Botox in the mug and nips while leaving VONS yesterday.
As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.
Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.
If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.
There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.
Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).
“Britney honey, use your fingers to show us how many times you were told to put down the scissors and let the stylist cut your hair.”
Since Britney Spears is now a classy high-powered underwear mogul who is trying to appeal to an upscale clientele like Duchess Kate and Chester Cheetah’s wife (I’m sure he has one and I’m sure she’s a glamorous gold-digging Cheeto-chomping orange goddess who has a taste for the finer things in life), she went ahead and decided that if she wanted to look the part of a successful panty-hustling career woman, she’d have to ditch the cut-off denim booty scooties and Old Navy 3-for-$12 ribbed tanks and slip into a white 80s power bitch business suit and cut out her ratty hair extensions. Unfortunately, Brit Brit doesn’t have the hair texture for the pinnacle of 80s power bitch business hair, aka 6 figures, 6 inches of height, which leaves her with the classic leave-room-for-the-shoulder-pads bob.
Real truth, I think Brit Brit looks so classy and sophisticated. She looks like the lady who supervises the lady who gives you a complimentary makeover at Macy’s, or a very successful Yorkiepoo breeder, or the owner of a fancy candle store, or a former Miss America. This is fancy Britney, y’all! Forget trying to sell underwear to royalty; she should be aiming higher, like aspiring Real Housewives or professional hand models. Don’t sell yourself short, Britney!
And is this the first time since The Shavening that Britney has had all her real hair? No, you’re right – there’s probably still a tiny track tucked in there somewhere for good luck. A Brit Brit without polyester hair is like a day without sunshine.
Here’s more of Jean Spears (that white suit screams Jean) showing off her new ‘do while pimping out her panties in Germany.
The Dumb Bitch of the Decade award was given to Normal Guy Dave last month when he screwed up and got fired from the easiest job in the world. All Normal Guy Dave had to do was hold Brit Brit Spears’ Starbucks, take her out every week for an ultra romantic dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, rub her tummy while she tried to poot out an Arby’s-induced ass queef and not tell her what happens when she screams, “Don’t tell me what happens!”, while watching Frozen for the 400th time (it’s the only movie Daddy Spears lets her watch). Easiest paycheck ever! But the sad excuse for a gold digger kissed that easy check goodbye when he allegedly dipped his dick into the twat of porn star Cali Lee. And now Brit Brit’s lawyers are trying to slap a muzzle on Cali Lee’s mouth.
After it was discovered that the boyfriend Daddy Spears had hand-picked for his lil’ Louisiana magnolia blossom had been sticking his flamin’ hot cheeto into some other hussy’s pot of cheese grits, Radar says that Normal Guy Dave isn’t the only dude Britney Spears has kicked to the curb for having shitty judgement. A source claims that after two back-to-back failed relationships, Brit Brit can’t trust her daddy’s judgement when it comes to pickin’ out fellers no more and she’s suspended him from his duties as a matchmaker. So who does Britney want to make her a match, find her a find, catch her a catch? Why, Britney Jean herself, y’all!
“Britney is adamant that she be able to date on her own, without her dad meddling,” an insider told Radar. “Jamie had a major role in determining who Britney was allowed to date since becoming her conservator.”
“Britney is the type of girl who has always had a boyfriend, and needs a male in her life,” the source insisted. “She doesn’t have any girlfriends outside of her family, and doesn’t have a group of friends she can go out with. It’s really a truly lonely life. Britney has told Jamie she won’t be going out with anyone he suggests. It’s really a sad situation.”
Oh no! When Brit Brit is allowed to pick her own boyfriends, she ends up with bottom feeders like KFed and Adnan Ghalib! Good lord, remember Adnan Ghalib? That guy was like the human definition of “She don’t love herself“! I know Daddy Spears isn’t allowed to pick out dudes for Brit Brit anymore, but can he at least set her up with RuPaul so she can learn about loving yourself so you can love somebody else can I get an amen? Because I CANNOT with the idea of Brit Brit hooking up with another low-budget KFed.
But if she is so determined to land a man on her own, she should try PlentyOfFrapps.com (that’s a dating site that exists, right?)
Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! »
Just when you think Britney Jean Spears had showed us every facet to the living diamond that is Brit Brit (singer, dancer, author, thespian, perfume mogul, Frapp connoisseur) she goes ahead and adds yet another hyphenate to her already multi-multi-hyphenated list of callings in life. Brit Brit posted this video of herself doing “an impression of a Woody Woodpecker” to Instagram, and it’s every bit as beautiful as you’d imagine Brit Brit doing a Woody Woodpecker impression could be.
Brit Brit (who is dressed like a down-on-her-luck Sally Draper for some reason) begins by exhaling all the air and Cheetos dust and stale Marlboro smoke out of her lungs, mentally disappearing into a special place, then releasing an insane blood-curdling throat cackle while giving “HELP ME” eyes to the camera. I don’t know if it was so much as an impression of Woody Woodpecker or a way to summon the undead souls of every woodpecker in Hell back to earth to do Brit Brit’s bidding. Regardless of what she was trying to do, it was absolutely perfect, and Dave Coulier better watch out, because Brit Brit is coming for his job.
And I don’t know if that’s a Jayden James or a Sean Preston sitting behind her, but that kid has the right idea. No matter how terrified you may be, just smile and laugh. Never show you’re afraid; Brit Brit can smell fear.