The last time Britney Spears performed at the MTV VMAs was during her Pink Wig Days in 2007 and her “sad stripper falling asleep against the pole in a truck stop bathroom at 9:30 on a weekday morning” performance left everyone with chunky layer of WTF on their faces. But with help from Daddy Spears’ cheese grits-covered ladle, Brit Brit has come a long way and made her triumphant return to the VMAs last night!
Britney Spears’ new album Glory (Hole) is out today, and to promote it, her team pushed her into a locked moving metal box and forced her to uncomfortably sit while listening to the English Jimmy Fallon yodel out her songs. Brit’s team obviously doesn’t think she’s been through enough.
If you really don’t know the words to Brit Brit’s songs, you’re not alone. It doesn’t seem like she really does either. During James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke bit on The Late Late Show, which aired last night, they went through some of her hits and his vocal cords produced actual musical notes while she just sort of mouthed along…. BUT, for a second or two, my ears did take in the sound of Brit Brit singing live! If vocal cords had brains, Brit Brit’s would think to themselves, “Heh? What’s going on?”
There was much rejoicing yesterday after it was announced that the next legend to get Lifetime’s sloppy budget biopic treatment was Miss Britney Jean Spears. I was so happy, I ran to the corner store and christened the great news with a bottle of Tim Horton’s Iced Capp (they were all out of bottled Starbucks Frappucinno).
As it turns out, there was one person who wasn’t celebrating. No, not a jealous Christina Aguilera. It was Britney herself. Entertainment Weekly says that Britney’s rep released a statement saying that Britney doesn’t want anything to do with it “in any way, shape or form“, and that Lifetime doesn’t have her blessing. Kevin Federline, on the other hand, has no doubt sent them his blessing stapled to a current resume. “Yo, holla at ya boi KFed if you need a production assistant!”
The last time Lifetime announced they were making a biopic about a Brittany, they received a lawsuit from Brittany Murphy’s daddy. Who knows if Britney will also send a lawsuit their way. I can picture Lifetime receiving it now. “What the…? Is this a brand-new men’s business suit? Oh Britney.”
All of Lifetimes biopics have been unauthorized, so it’s not a surprise that Britney doesn’t want to be associated with it. But the best way for Britney to make sure her story gets told in a tasteful and accurate way is for her to make her own biopic. As much as I want to see Lifetime’s Britney, I want to see Britney’s Britney more. If Hollywood is listening, please please please give Britney Spears a $100 million budget and a director’s chair to make her own epic film. Forget another Ben-Hur, I want to see Brit-Ney.
Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.
Alternate headline: Brit Brit Showing You How To Shove A Video Full Of As Much Product Placement As Possible
The video for Britney Spears’ single “Make Me” was reportedly supposed to come out a while ago, but there was a rumor that she despised it so much that she slathered it with Velveeta, hate-ate it real fast, digested it, shit it out into a toilet and then flushed, hoping that she’ll have to never see it again. The rumors were that the finished video was too sexy for Brit, the director David LaChapelle wanted his name scrubbed from it and they re-shot a lot of it. The final video was squirted up today, and it’s like infomercials for Eos lip balm and Orangetheory Fitness squeezed into a struggle-budget remake of Toni Braxton’s video for “You’re Making Me High.”
Britney Spears’ 9th studio album Glory, which sadly isn’t a bubble gum pop interpretation of the movie starring Denzel Washington, is out August 26th and yesterday, she kept her fans busy. Some of her fans have been busy screaming at her label to change the damn cover of her album, which is very “off-brand Kim Zolciak Barbie doll on the cover of a new-age country album.” Other fans have been busy wondering how they should process one of the songs off of her album called “Private Show.”