Audrey Hepburn, Jackie O, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Coco Chanel, Katharine Hepburn and Britney Jean Spears are all names that pop up in your brain when you think of the most legendary fashion icons who ever lived. But for some strange reason, all of those ladies, except for Brit Brit, get the recognition they deserve. Well, Daddy Spears finally righted that wrong by buying his little moneymaker the Candie’s Style Icon Award which was presented to her at last night’s Teen Choice Awards in L.A.
I have always thought that the teens don’t know shit about shit since they made Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande Latte famous. But they have proven that they have some sense by honoring Brit Brit for her contribution to style. The teens (read: the producers and the executives at Candie’s) chose (read: picked Brit Brit after Daddy Spears passed them a check) to honor Brit Brit, because she truly is an underrated jewel of fashion.
While most hos would look like dirty pieces of trash as they walk barefoot into a gas station bathroom, Brit Brit personifies grace and sophistication when she does it. While most hos would look like sloppy messes if they wore generic UGGs and coochie cutters, Brit Brit looks the exact opposite.
The Cheetolings and Brit’s niece went to the TCAs with her last night and she collected her surfboard award while looking like a terrified Kesha if Kesha was abducted by aliens and forced to perform in an Ice Capades show on a space ship. After winning the Style Icon award, Brit Brit spoke to E! News and they asked if she’s going to keep doing her show in Las Vegas once her contract is up. Surprisingly, she didn’t say, “Ask papa.” Instead, she said she didn’t know:
“I’m not really sure. I haven’t made up my mind. I really love doing the show. It’s a lot, a lot of fun but I’m kind of torn right now. I don’t really know what I want to do.”
Brit Brit doesn’t need Las Vegas anymore! Now that the world is finally seeing her as the legend of fashion that she is, she should move to Paris and take over the House of Chanel from Kunty Karl!
And here’s more of Brit Brit trying to smile through the Botox.
Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.
I’m not completely fluent in side-eye reading, but I’m going to guess that Brit Brit Spears’ awkward side-eye in that picture is saying: “Oops! ….I fawted again and that one’s going to leave a skiddy.”
Brit Brit was at the ESPY Awards yesterday and some thought that she was there to announce that she’s headlining the Super Bowl halftime show next year, but I hoped that she was there to announce that her alter ego Cheetopatra will lead the new cast of the rebooted GLOW. But Brit was just there to present an award and that’s it.
It took me a few blinks to realize this isn’t Kesha reporting for her cocktail waitress job at an Ice Pirates-themed bar. Brit Brit’s stylists really outdid themselves this time. Her makeup artiste went full “sneaky raccoon wax figure” on her face and her stylist put her in something that looks like a Star Wars Ice Capades costume designed by someone who doesn’t know what a Star Wars character looks like. The producers of the off-strip Las Vegas show her stylist stole that costume from are probably going to press charges against her for accessory to theft, but that’s a teeny-tiny price to pay. Because this IS the look.
In other highly important Britney news, Buzzfeed recently posted pictures of the grocery lists that were allegedly scribbled out by Brit. Someone (today “someone” is spelled S-A-M-L-U-T-F-I) somehow (today “somehow” is spelled T-R-A-S-H-D-I-V-I-N-G) got a hold of the lists and sold them on eBay. The lists prove that Brit is an authentic foodie and gourmet aficionado who enjoys the finer things in the grocery store like Velveeta, gritz, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, fat-free bacon, mayenaise, Cinamin Toast Crunch, Wonder Bread, Captain Crunch and Dr. Pepper. Behold, one of the lists.
Any expert will tell you that these grocery lists are extremely suspect, because it doesn’t look like there’s self-tanner stains on them AND they’re missing the sparkle on the tip of Britney’s food pyramid: CHEETOS! Therefore, this list cannot be verified. But I guess if she really did write these lists, I’ll let go of 2006 and swallow the hard fact that she’s moved on from those puffy pieces of cheese heaven. I’ll change her nickname from Our Lady of Cheetos to Our Lady of Spegettios.
When I think about the reasons why Britney Spears might be crossing the name “Iggy Azalea” off her Christmas card list, most of them have to do with Iggy Azalea starting shit with her on Twitter over their song “Pretty Girls” a few days ago. However, according to Iggy Azalea, it has nothing to do with the fact that her fingers typed the words “I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend” and everything to do with shit-starting troublemakers in the media.
Shortly after Brit Brit responded to Iggy’s asshole-sucking comment by pulling out her best umbrella and covering her in shade, Iggy hopped on Twitter to hiss at everyone trying to make things awkward between them.
Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.
Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)
Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t. Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:
Can’t wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to… #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015
Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.
“Can I haz mah Strawmamaberry Shortcake now, mistah ice cweme man?” is probably what Brit Brit Spears is thinking in that picture and sadly, we’ll never have moments like that again. Because apparently, Daddy Spears has ended Charlie Ebersol’s contract with Brit Brit and is now interviewing new boyfriends who must know exactly where the beef jerky section of every San Fernando Valley-area Walmart is and won’t get all mad when the Cheetolings accidentally call him “Uncle Normal Guy Dave.” Memorizing the name of the new “uncle” that mommy brings home is hard.
Both TMZ and UsWeekly say that Brit Brit’s fans knew something was up when her Instagram was scrubbed clean of Charlie Ebersol’s face. I guess deleting your piece from your Instagram is the new version of cutting their face out of pictures while screaming the lyrics to an Alanis Morissette song. Some source tells TMZ that their 8-month-old love didn’t die because of anything messy. It just ended (read: They had one of those short-term contracts).
Charlie Ebersol’s mom is Susan Saint James, so it gives me the sads knowing that Brit Brit will never be the daughter-in-law of McMillan’s wife. But well, I know Brit Brit will find love again and will meet a true prince who won’t get all pissed off when she dutch ovens him for the 13th time during a sleepover. Brit Brit may have already found that prince in Louisiana.
Brit Brit spent her weekend in her homeland and she Instagrammed this picture:
(Update: I’m so hungover I forgot to post the picture the first time.) I’m still hungover so I thought his tank top read, “Prop Store.” I thought to myself, “DAMN! Daddy Spears isn’t even trying to hide where he gets Brit Brit’s prop boyfriends from.“
That sound you just heard was every person on the planet reading the headline above and shouting “Sure, Jan” at the same time. But according to Kevin Federline, it’s totally true, you mean PopoZaos! KFed recently spoke to UsWeekly (insert all your slow news day jokes here) and admitted that he considers Britney Spears’ down-home denim eleganza partner Justin Timberlake one of his friends. KFed claims there was some drama with JT when he became Britney’s baby daddy, but they’re totally cool and go golfing.
“In the beginning when [Britney and I] first got together, it was awkward and I felt bad – I felt like maybe I should have called [Justin] and talked to him. But I didn’t have his number.”
We’re cool. Me and J are. I actually just went to his last show in Vegas and hung out with him, got to see a lot of old friends. I’m friends with all the security guys. [They’re] great, they’re incredible. We’ve actually – guys that work with him have worked with us and still work with me, still to this day. You know everybody, you’re friends with everybody. And yeah, me and J are cool.
My best friend is his choreographer so we have mutual friends, and I mean, we’ve gone out golfing, we’ve hung out. You get older, you grow up, and you realize that was just a time in your life. Shit happens.”
I totally read that whole thing in KFed’s voice, especially the “Shit happens” thing at the end. I’d love to know what UsWeekly edited out, because you know there was probably way more KFed-isms in there that they didn’t have room to publish. “Whatever bro, mad shit happens sometimes. C’est la vie playa. Sunrise, sunset, dawg.”
Speaking of, now I want to know what it’s like when KFed hangs out with JT. What the hell do they even talk about? How many times they’ve woken up with one of Britney’s ratty polyester tracks stuck to their face with her sticky frapp drool? Actually, that’s a conversation I’d love to hear.
On the left is I-G-G-Y in March and on the right is someone who is supposed to be I-G-G-Y at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas last night.
When world-renowned Pig Latin rapper Iggy Azalea hit the pap stroll at the Billboard Music Awards last night, everyone asked, “Who dat? Who dat? No, really, who dat?” Iggy debuted her brand new face yesterday. Iggy admitted to getting a pair of silicone titty balls installed in her chest a few months ago and it looks like she had another date with a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. It looks like she told her plastic surgeon to give her the stage 1 Lil’ Kim. The Daily Mail has a few side-by-side pictures of Iggy’s old nose compared with her newly cinched, rotated and chiseled down schnoz. Since I’ve always got peen on the brain, her new nose kind of looks like a pencil dick with a mushroom head to me. It also looks like Iggy got shot up with all the Botox and had a chin implant shoved into her face. She now looks like one of the White Chicks in a fun house mirror.
My only response to Iggy’s new face is:
Since this week’s theme seems to be “Let’s Take A Sloppy, Corn-Filled Soft Shit On Childhoods of the 80s,” here’s the Earth Girls Are Easy-inspired video for “Pretty Girls” starring Our Lady of Cheetos and the second hardest white girl rapper in the game (next to Sophia Grace, of course). Iggy Azalea co-directed this mess, so you already know how it’s going to go.
The song itself sounds like the fart “Fancy” pooted out after eating Gwen Stefani’s “Harajuku Girls.” Brit Brit’s “Siri on helium” impersonation is spot-on and you can barely understand what Iggy is saying, which is probably a good thing. As for the video, I’ll take off my cunt cap (“That’s impossible. It’s permanently stitched into your skull.” – you) and start with the positives. Brit Brit in 80s drag is giving me “40-something Real Housewife of Orange County at an 80s costume party” and that IS the look. She’s also looking more alive than ever. In her videos, she usually looks as “into it” as John Travolta getting a massage from a woman. She even makes an OMGIMSOEXCITED face a few times. It’s as if the other director screamed, “Brit, act like papa just bought you a PUPPEH friend for Christmastimes!”
Now for the bad: EVERYTHING ELSE.
If you’re going to watch any part of this wreck, watch the Samsung Galaxy commercial masquerading as an acting scene at around the 2:05 mark. Iggy does an “alien as a Valley Girl” accent and it is a thing of wonder. It made my ear holes shit up question marks. Bitch’s accent sounds like what a sedated walrus would sound like if it tried to speak English.
I also like the end of the video when Brit Brit claps all excited-like while getting abducted by aliens. She was probably happy that she was being beamed out of that mess of a video.
And if you need a palate cleanser, here’s a scene from Earth Girls are Easy featuring the Pink Queen of Hollywood Angelyne. Iggy, take note. THIS is acting!
Three shocking things happened last night:
1. I fell into a red wine and cheese and peanut butter crackers-induced coma on my bed and House Hunters International was NOT playing on my TV. This hasn’t happened in months and no wonder I had sex nightmares that involved Chris Brown. House Hunters International always lulls me into a peaceful sleep.
2. Brit Brit Spears opened up her mouth and actual words produced by her voice box came out.
3. Brit Brit Spears’ mic was actually turned on during her show in Las Vegas.
Everything you thought you knew about the world was flipped, flopped and fucked sideways last night when Brit Brit spoke and everybody heard it because her mic was actually live. Both Digital Spy and TMZ says that during her Piece Of Me show at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, some messy trick in the audience called her a “fat bitch.” It was probably that Utz Girl. Trick is still pissed that Brit Brit chose Chester Cheetah as her main boo. You know that Utz Girl can hold a grudge and you know how she gets when she’s drunk. Brit heard the heckler, which is also surprising, because I didn’t think she paid attention during her shows. I just thought she moved her lips, waved her arms and thought about where she’s going to make Daddy Spears take her for ice cweam afterward.
Brit Brit launched a beautiful fuck word at the hater and her mic was on so everyone heard. The mic being on was probably a mistake. That’s some Robert Durst shit and it gave us this beautiful moment:
Kudos to the person who acted fast and brought Brit Brit’s hard drive out of sleep mode by moving her wireless mouse around. Now this is the Our Lady of Cheetos I love. More of this. But she didn’t really need to say anything since she already won. That fat bitch already got that heckler’s MONAY!
Here’s Brit Brit giving you Softer Side of Sears glamour at one of the Cheetolings’ soccer game a few days ago.