That’s right, Justin Timberlake, put your hands together and pray to the heavens above that St. Starbucks will bless you with the chance to work with an angel like Britney Spears. And also if you have the time, ask St. Starbucks to send you a sacred Frapp in the event she needs a little convincing.
A few weeks ago, Britney admitted during an interview with Most Requested Live With Romeo that she would like to work with Steven Tyler, Katy Perry, and Justin Timberlake, who she called “very good.” The only name in that list that anyone cared about was Justin Timberlake, because who wouldn’t want to take a trip back to 2001? Let me just grab my magenta Motorola RAZR, a 12-pack of stick-in hair gems, and my nicest hanky-hem halter dress real quick and we’ll be off.
Sadly, your eyeballs will not get a serving of a 98% naked Miley Cyrus licking the red carpet while spreading her chipmunk nalgitas to show off her Jeremy Scott-designed butt plug tassel. Because Miley Cyrus announced that she has retired from the red carpeted stroll for the rest of eternity!
If I had to describe Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV VMAs last week, I’d say she was mostly committed to moving her mouth along with the music. I also watched both the VMAs backstage and audience camera feed, and both times I saw Brit Brit, she was smiling like they told her she was going home with a $50 Cracker Barrel gift card. But according to InTouch Weekly, the Britney I saw at the VMAs was far from the Britney they saw. TMZ says Britney’s lawyer claims that what InTouch saw isn’t the truth and her team has threatened to sue.
The last time Britney Spears performed at the MTV VMAs was during her Pink Wig Days in 2007 and her “sad stripper falling asleep against the pole in a truck stop bathroom at 9:30 on a weekday morning” performance left everyone with chunky layer of WTF on their faces. But with help from Daddy Spears’ cheese grits-covered ladle, Brit Brit has come a long way and made her triumphant return to the VMAs last night!
Britney Spears’ new album Glory (Hole) is out today, and to promote it, her team pushed her into a locked moving metal box and forced her to uncomfortably sit while listening to the English Jimmy Fallon yodel out her songs. Brit’s team obviously doesn’t think she’s been through enough.
If you really don’t know the words to Brit Brit’s songs, you’re not alone. It doesn’t seem like she really does either. During James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke bit on The Late Late Show, which aired last night, they went through some of her hits and his vocal cords produced actual musical notes while she just sort of mouthed along…. BUT, for a second or two, my ears did take in the sound of Brit Brit singing live! If vocal cords had brains, Brit Brit’s would think to themselves, “Heh? What’s going on?”
There was much rejoicing yesterday after it was announced that the next legend to get Lifetime’s sloppy budget biopic treatment was Miss Britney Jean Spears. I was so happy, I ran to the corner store and christened the great news with a bottle of Tim Horton’s Iced Capp (they were all out of bottled Starbucks Frappucinno).
As it turns out, there was one person who wasn’t celebrating. No, not a jealous Christina Aguilera. It was Britney herself. Entertainment Weekly says that Britney’s rep released a statement saying that Britney doesn’t want anything to do with it “in any way, shape or form“, and that Lifetime doesn’t have her blessing. Kevin Federline, on the other hand, has no doubt sent them his blessing stapled to a current resume. “Yo, holla at ya boi KFed if you need a production assistant!”
The last time Lifetime announced they were making a biopic about a Brittany, they received a lawsuit from Brittany Murphy’s daddy. Who knows if Britney will also send a lawsuit their way. I can picture Lifetime receiving it now. “What the…? Is this a brand-new men’s business suit? Oh Britney.”
All of Lifetimes biopics have been unauthorized, so it’s not a surprise that Britney doesn’t want to be associated with it. But the best way for Britney to make sure her story gets told in a tasteful and accurate way is for her to make her own biopic. As much as I want to see Lifetime’s Britney, I want to see Britney’s Britney more. If Hollywood is listening, please please please give Britney Spears a $100 million budget and a director’s chair to make her own epic film. Forget another Ben-Hur, I want to see Brit-Ney.