If nothing soothes your eardrums like the sound of a Chipette with a head cold screeching out a wail of pain while getting surgery without anesthesia after doing helium in a bathroom, then this Instagram clip is Valium for your ears.
Entertainment Tonight broke the biggest news story of the week after talking to Britney Spears about what she’s going to eat when she goes on tour. Brit Brit licked the Cheetos dust from her fingers before telling them all about the Piece of Me Tour which is going around North America and Europe this summer. And you know that means we need to hear all about Brit Brit’s eating and workout habits because what else would she talk about?
Well, the Tonys don’t even need to bother airing in 2019 because we already know what is going to win them all. Lin Manuel-Miranda must be at the trashiest of dive bars drinking cheap gin and wondering why he bothers looking to history for his muse and inspiration when the shiniest of shining Broadway ideas has been goat yodeling at him for years. Britney Spears is getting a musical treatment, y’all! And it sounds like she’s more than happy to sign off on her songs ruling the Great Cheeto White Way!
Us Weekly says Brit Brit took time out of her busy schedule of fashion shows and boyfriend humping on Instagram to fly to New York for a table read of an upcoming musical based on her songs. ABBA must be quaking in their boots because “Mamma Mia” is going to look like Scranton Community Theater compared to “Barefoot At The Gas Station” or whatever it is they want to call Brit’s musical (the working title is Hit Me Baby One More Time). A snitch says the musical is expected to drop in early 2019 and it’s been in the works for a while. Britney even likes it, as the source said she “responded really well” to it. I’m sure that was partially because her manager promised her they could go to the Times Square Olive Garden afterward.
Britney is going back to Las Vegas in early 2019 to begin her residency at the Park Theater, but I think she’s missing an opportunity here! The same Broadway snitch says the role of Britney hasn’t been filled yet! And if Bernadette Peters, Patti Lupone, and Bette Middler can’t do it, who better to play Britney than Britney?!
Kevin Federline Filed For Additional Child Support Claiming He Only Earns 1% Of What Britney Spears Earns
Kevin Federline still needs more money for child support. According to The Blast, he’s officially filed documents requesting an increase to make up for the fact that in recent years, he only earns 1% of what Britney Spears earns and it’s not fair for the kids to have to live in a hovel when they’re with him, and a mansion when they’re with their momma. And the kids are suffering because of it. What, you never heard of Childhood Parental Wealth Disparity Syndrome (CPWDS)? It’s a silent killer.
Britney Spears is gearing up for her Piece of Me tour which means working hard with her vocal coach to perfect every trill, run and key change in her repertoire. I kid, Brit’s hitting the home gym. The vocals will be shipped to the venue separately. She’s recently posted a clip of her working out with her 24-year-old, ex-backup dancer, cum model, cum personal trainer boyfriend, Sam Asghari, who is more than a snack, he’s a fucking Golden Corral buffet.
Do your past mistakes and embarrassing behavior keep you up at night? Do scenarios where you’ve acted inappropriately or said something stupid run on continual loop of shame whenever you close your eyes? If so, Britney Spears has got a solution. According to Britney, “the secret to happiness: No memory”.
Ricky Martin presented Britney with a Vanguard award at the GLAAD Awards, so Access Hollywood reporter, Scott Evans (not that one) whipped out a 1999 picture of Ricky and Britney together and asked her what she remembered about the day the photo was taken. Britney’s answer: Not a Goddamn Thing.
I was hoping the ghost of Patrick Swayze would storm in and announce “nobody puts Britney in a corner” because she looks like she needed saving. Britney was joking, but her face is telling a harrowing tale throughout this interaction. She looks like she would chew her own leg off if it meant Scott would stop asking her to remember things. What he should have done was lay a trail of Cheetos to lure Britney into a safe space then calmly tell her where she was and what year it is. If he had done that, she probably wouldn’t have had to dismiss him like he was a rabid Jehovah’s Witness.