On the left is I-G-G-Y in March and on the right is someone who is supposed to be I-G-G-Y at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas last night.
When world-renowned Pig Latin rapper Iggy Azalea hit the pap stroll at the Billboard Music Awards last night, everyone asked, “Who dat? Who dat? No, really, who dat?” Iggy debuted her brand new face yesterday. Iggy admitted to getting a pair of silicone titty balls installed in her chest a few months ago and it looks like she had another date with a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. It looks like she told her plastic surgeon to give her the stage 1 Lil’ Kim. The Daily Mail has a few side-by-side pictures of Iggy’s old nose compared with her newly cinched, rotated and chiseled down schnoz. Since I’ve always got peen on the brain, her new nose kind of looks like a pencil dick with a mushroom head to me. It also looks like Iggy got shot up with all the Botox and had a chin implant shoved into her face. She now looks like one of the White Chicks in a fun house mirror.
My only response to Iggy’s new face is:
Since this week’s theme seems to be “Let’s Take A Sloppy, Corn-Filled Soft Shit On Childhoods of the 80s,” here’s the Earth Girls Are Easy-inspired video for “Pretty Girls” starring Our Lady of Cheetos and the second hardest white girl rapper in the game (next to Sophia Grace, of course). Iggy Azalea co-directed this mess, so you already know how it’s going to go.
The song itself sounds like the fart “Fancy” pooted out after eating Gwen Stefani’s “Harajuku Girls.” Brit Brit’s “Siri on helium” impersonation is spot-on and you can barely understand what Iggy is saying, which is probably a good thing. As for the video, I’ll take off my cunt cap (“That’s impossible. It’s permanently stitched into your skull.” – you) and start with the positives. Brit Brit in 80s drag is giving me “40-something Real Housewife of Orange County at an 80s costume party” and that IS the look. She’s also looking more alive than ever. In her videos, she usually looks as “into it” as John Travolta getting a massage from a woman. She even makes an OMGIMSOEXCITED face a few times. It’s as if the other director screamed, “Brit, act like papa just bought you a PUPPEH friend for Christmastimes!”
Now for the bad: EVERYTHING ELSE.
If you’re going to watch any part of this wreck, watch the Samsung Galaxy commercial masquerading as an acting scene at around the 2:05 mark. Iggy does an “alien as a Valley Girl” accent and it is a thing of wonder. It made my ear holes shit up question marks. Bitch’s accent sounds like what a sedated walrus would sound like if it tried to speak English.
I also like the end of the video when Brit Brit claps all excited-like while getting abducted by aliens. She was probably happy that she was being beamed out of that mess of a video.
And if you need a palate cleanser, here’s a scene from Earth Girls are Easy featuring the Pink Queen of Hollywood Angelyne. Iggy, take note. THIS is acting!
Three shocking things happened last night:
1. I fell into a red wine and cheese and peanut butter crackers-induced coma on my bed and House Hunters International was NOT playing on my TV. This hasn’t happened in months and no wonder I had sex nightmares that involved Chris Brown. House Hunters International always lulls me into a peaceful sleep.
2. Brit Brit Spears opened up her mouth and actual words produced by her voice box came out.
3. Brit Brit Spears’ mic was actually turned on during her show in Las Vegas.
Everything you thought you knew about the world was flipped, flopped and fucked sideways last night when Brit Brit spoke and everybody heard it because her mic was actually live. Both Digital Spy and TMZ says that during her Piece Of Me show at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, some messy trick in the audience called her a “fat bitch.” It was probably that Utz Girl. Trick is still pissed that Brit Brit chose Chester Cheetah as her main boo. You know that Utz Girl can hold a grudge and you know how she gets when she’s drunk. Brit heard the heckler, which is also surprising, because I didn’t think she paid attention during her shows. I just thought she moved her lips, waved her arms and thought about where she’s going to make Daddy Spears take her for ice cweam afterward.
Brit Brit launched a beautiful fuck word at the hater and her mic was on so everyone heard. The mic being on was probably a mistake. That’s some Robert Durst shit and it gave us this beautiful moment:
Kudos to the person who acted fast and brought Brit Brit’s hard drive out of sleep mode by moving her wireless mouse around. Now this is the Our Lady of Cheetos I love. More of this. But she didn’t really need to say anything since she already won. That fat bitch already got that heckler’s MONAY!
Here’s Brit Brit giving you Softer Side of Sears glamour at one of the Cheetolings’ soccer game a few days ago.
And now in “Things that will make you feel old as hell” news, Britney Spears’ kids are now old enough to do difficult math. And like real difficult, not how-much-will-three-gorditas-and-a-drink-from-Taco Bell-be difficult (which is my current standard for “hard math”). Brit Brit recently confessed to People that Sean Preston and Jayden James have moved past the two plus two stage of their book learnin’, which means she’s having a hard time helping them with their homework. So in order to keep up, she’s taking some math lessons:
“They go to a really hard school, and this week we had three hours of homework [a night]. Some of it is hard for me. Next year when [Preston’s] in fifth grade, he’s going to be doing pre-algebra, and I’m taking classes so I know how to do it!”
Brit Brit gets zero shade from me, because my dumb ass couldn’t even remember which one algebra was. I through algebra was the “If a train is headed west at a speed of 80 miles per hour” one, but it turns out it’s the X over Y equals Z one. Even with two tutors and a set of Math is Easy! VHS tapes, I still failed algebra. It was such a mind fuck: why do I need to solve for X if you already know what X is? Just tell me what X is, you sadistic bastards! My brain still hurts just thinking about it.
Not to mention that you never use that shit in the real world. I’m happy that Brit Brit is trying to be a good parent, but I doubt she’ll ever use the algebra she learned to solve how many Fraps she drank last month. I mean, you don’t need math to know that the answer will always be “lots”.
On The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night, Jimmy played a completely spontaneous and totally unrehearsed game of random musical impressions with the yodeling bronzer stick in a white wig we call Xtina. Xtina’s Samantha Jones impersonation could win her the first place trophy at the Snatch Game Grand Championship, so it’s no surprise that she can spit out pretty good impersonations. Xtina did Cher, Shakira and Brit Brit last night.
Xtina’s Shakira impression didn’t cause a herd of horny goats to break through the door and hump her mouth, so she doesn’t get many points for that one. But her Cher was pretty spot-on and after she opened her mouth to impersonate fellow Mouseketeer Brit Brit Spears, Cheetos dust, gas station fumes, Frapp foam and KFed’s jizz filled my ears. And yes, since KFed’s jizz filled my ears, my head is pregnant with triplets now.
If you really want to see Jimmy Fallon’s David Bowie and Michael McDonald impersonations, watch the whole thing. But if you’re only here to see Xtina get possessed by the spirit of Our Lady of Cheetos circa 1999, skip to the 1:45 mark in the video below:
It’s perfect. If Brit Brit ever needs a ghost singer, she knows who to call.
If Xtina was doing old-school Brit Brit, then I’d easily give her 5 out of 5 Cheetos:
But if Xtina was doing new-school Brit Brit, then I can only give her half a Cheeto and that’s being generous:
Because if she wanted to do new-school Brit Brit, she’d move her mouth for a little bit before giving up halfway to eat hot wings.
And I posted one or two of these yesterday, but here’s more of Xtina at the Vanity Fair Oscar party doing an impersonation of Double Trouble from She-Ra at a quickie wedding in Reno.
Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi
At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:
“Britney, cause she dances.”
I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.
Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?”
But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:
“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”
Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.
To quote the internal monologue in North West’s head when that hobbit who smells like paint and burnt wax picks her up from her nanny’s house for an Instagram pic session (which she’ll get cropped out of later): “Your face, I can’t place it.”
Thanks to this cover of Women’s Health, Brit Brit Spears will once again get a holiday gift basket from Adobe as a thank you for her years of support. Our Lady of Cheetos is on the cover of Women’s Health January/February 2015 issue and it took me a minute to see the Britney under all those layers of Photoshop. Brit Brit’s in there, but I also see other things like:
1. A sleep-deprived Heidi Klum after Phoebe Price’s plastic surgeon installed silicone chicken cutlets into her cheeks.
2. An unauthorized Elisabeth Hasselbeck plastic puppet that was pulled off of Walmart shelves for scaring children.
3. A Klingon that had its forehead scales shaved down and smoothed out.
With all that being said, I’d totally suck on Brit Brit’s face on the cover and solely because her new nose kind of looks like a dick.
Brit Brit also did an interview and what I mean by that is that her publicist handed the magazine a bunch of canned quotes that didn’t come out of Our Lady of Cheetos’ mouth ever. If Team Cheetos wants us to believe these quotes came from the brain of Brit Brit, they shouldn’t have used hard works like crucial, consistency, continuous, exercise, wider, cardio, important, daily, problem, motivated, etc… etc…
On her birthing hips : “My hips are a little bit wider because I’ve had kids. So it was crucial for me to be continuous with my exercise. Consistency is key.”
On how her trainers hold a piece of teriyaki possum jerky in front of her while she’s running on the treadmill: “Daily exercise is important for me both mentally and physically. I don’t mind working out. Trainers keep you motivated, but I didn’t have a problem being motivated.”
On how dancing is hard: “Dancing is a great cardio workout — tough and fun at the same time.”
And I haven’t read the whole issue, but I’m pretty sure that the one simple move to getting “insane abs” is to hold your arms above your head and let Photoshop do the rest.
Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.
But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!
The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.
Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.
I can’t decide if John Stamos’ belly button looks like a mushroom-headed dick poking out of his stomach or a skin-colored clown nose or the button nose of a bearded old man with no eyes? Well, whatever it looks like, I’d still lube it up with Dannon Oikos yogurt and hit it.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, he presented the 8th edition of the segment where famous types read mean tweets written by either Jimmy Kimmel’s writing team or actual Twatterers. This one gave us Lela Durham (copyright: Valerie Cherish) and her dog tits, John Stamos’ bubble belly button, Lisa Kudrow (who gets an A+++ in reacting), crack head Jon Hamm, raper-faced Scott Foley, Bob Newhart, Ted Danson and his majestic silver cliff of hair and Brit Brit who wore a turkey oven bag and looked like she laughed to keep from melting into a puddle of tears and Frapps. Most of these are good, but out of the billions of mean tweets about Goopy Paltrow, that’s the one they chose?!
Big Bird should’ve read that first one, because nothing is meaner than being compared to Goopy.
In “This Is Some Brand New Information That Has Deleted My Body’s Supply of SHOCK” news, The Daily Mail says that Daddy Spears is a master puppeteer who controls every single piece of Our Lady of Cheetos’ life including who she goes on romantic Cheesecake Factory dates with.
When Normal Guy Dave was pink-slipped for insubordination (read: reportedly passing his peen to another while dating Brit Brit) a couple of months ago, Daddy Spears immediately channeled the Millionaire Matchmaker and started huntin’ for a new contract boyfriend for his hillbilly moneymaker. Some source tells the literary journal of truthful truths, The Daily Mail, that Brit Brit is one of those can’t be without a man types and her papa je’e’ thinks she’s happiest when she’s got a boyfriend. So Daddy Spears went on the hunt and found 31-year-old producer Charlie Ebersol.