“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” That’s me in a little newsboy cap shouting at you, our esteemed readers. I’m shouting because here at DListed, we bring you the finest news from the finest sources. We know what we’re bringing you is 100% (numbers not accurate) true and straight from the horse’s mouth. Like today. Today I will have you know that, apparently, Britney Cheeto Starbucks Uggs Babydropper Spears is addicted to internet porn.
According to The National Enquirer, Britney’s friends are concerned because she’s been burning through AOL internet time discs looking at people bumping uglies, knocking boots and putting D in P like no one’s business – which it isn’t! If a grown ass woman wants to spend the hours she has off from her lazy, lip-snyched show looking at porn, she can! This comes on the heels of Britney telling an audience at her show that she wants “a really hot nerd with a big dick.” Nasty talk like that can only be the work of internet porn.
Who is that on the cover of V Magazine?
1. Is it Jessica Simpson after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
2. Is it Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race in Britney Spears drag after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
3. Is it Britney Spears circa 2003?
The answer is: None of the above. It’s Britney circa today, bitch. More like, it’s, Photoshop, bitch.
“Ah have no idea who this is….” – Brit Brit to herself in that pic.
Britney Spears was definitely feeling the burn yesterday, because the three Fiery Doritos® Locos Tacos Supreme she had for lunch went through her fast and 3 potty times later, her chapped b-hole was on fire. But she wasn’t feeling the Bern, obviously, since she met and posed with Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas yesterday. Hillary Clinton is in Vegas for the Democratic Caucus in Nevada. Hillary already won the highly coveted Lindsay Lohan endorsement and if she gets endorsements from Brit Brit and Heidi Montag, she’ll be able to call Mayflower Movers to schedule a move into the White House, because she’ll have this.
Brit Brit added this note to the picture she posted on Instagram:
Being in Vegas for #PieceOfMe is amazing for so many reasons… Especially today… because I had the incredible opportunity to meet @HillaryClinton!! Such an inspiration and beautiful voice for women around the world!!! This woman had an intense presence and I felt very honored to meet her!!!
Brit originally endorsed Hillary by adding #ImWithHer to that note, but she (or someone on Team Cheetolings) deleted it. But I don’t think Brit meant to endorse Hillary in the first place. I thought that Brit Brit used to be a Republican, but I’m pretty sure she’s a registered Frappertarian now. So she was typing #ImWithHersheysSyrup but the grease on her hands from the Popeye’s chicken she was having as a snack caused her fingers to slip on the keys and she published it too fast. That’s all!
And I love this pic:
Hillary “The Cockblocker” Clinton doesn’t mess around. Hillary knows that Ole’ Bill’s peen is like a magnet and automatically flies toward any stranger vagina in the immediate vicinity and Hillary wasn’t having it. Not today, Billy.
You’d think that Brit Brit looks for two things in a future boyfriend: 1. A dude who thinks her morning dutch ovens are romantic. 2. A dude who knows her Starbucks order by heart (A Venti butterscotch Frapp with extra whip, chocolate shavings, chocolate syrup and pork rind bits that most L.A.-area Starbucks keep in the back just for her). But during her show, A Piece of Me, in Las Vegas on Sunday night, Brit told the audience that what she really wants is a hot nerd with a big dick. Me too!
Somewhere backstage, Daddy Spears stopped counting that night’s earnings and let out a big cheese grits-scented sigh. Because the next time he interviews possible leased man friends for his deep fried dumpling, he’s got to bring a measuring tape and make sure they pass the “nerd according to Britney” test, which has two questions on it:
1. Do you wear glasses? If so, move on to question 2.
2. What’s the answer to 2+3? You can’t use a calculator! But you can totally use your fingers. It’s not like we’re looking for the reincarnation of Einstein.
Okay, in the post below I said that Brit Brit Spears was very busy waving her fallen asleep arm and moving her mouth in rehearsals for her Las Vegas show, but I was obviously wrong. Brit Brit is also spending some of her time oozing pure art onto a blank canvas while wearing what looks like the ace bandage tube top that Hilary Swank wore in Boys Don’t Cry. Brit’s people posted this soothing video on Instagram of her painting I don’t know what (Rainbow cocoons? Deformed leaves? Gerbils in body bags?).
The staff at the Louvre can go ahead and take all of their paintings off of the walls and put that shit in storage indefinitely, because they need to make a whole lot of room for the exquisite works of art from Cheetoangelo!
“Yum! Ah love leftovers!”
It’s been almost three months since Britney Spears (or the team assigned to handle her dating life) called it quits with that dude who looks like a cleaned up version of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And now it looks like Las Vegas’ richest karaoke performer is ready to
dive awkwardly fall off a floaty chair back into the dating pool.
TMZ says that Brit Brit’s latest gentleman caller is Harry Morton, a person who was semi-famous during a time in history I like to call The Von Dutch Hat Years. Harry used to date Lindsay Lohan back in 2006. And he maybe did Paris Hilton. He also recently-ish dated Demi Moore. On the plus side, Harry has a job; he owns douchebag mecca Pink Taco and the Viper Room. According to TMZ, Brit Brit and Harry went on a sushi date in Studio City on Friday night (you can see the truly gripping pictures of said date here). No word on whether or not Harry will be Brit Brit’s next contract boyfriend, but he did make it to the first date stage of auditions, so that’s a good sign.
I’m not sure how I feel about Brit Brit and Harry Morton. I know it’s wrong to judge a dick by its cover, but when its been covered by questionable coochie (see: Paris Hilton’s), I get a little skeptical. And really, what do they have in common besides a love of tacos? If only Brit Brit could find a fellow animatronic Vegas icon to date. Is Vegas Vic single?
Here’s the man Jayden James and Sean Preston might soon be calling “Unky Harry” leaving Craig’s restaurant last night.
Seen above wondering if that wet butt burp she just let out is going to leave a mark, Brit Brit Spears has announced that Las Vegas will get 2 more years of her captivating lip-synching skills and amazing armography!
During her show last night, Brit Brit told the audience that she’s doing 2 more years of Piece of Me and will make it rain for Daddy Spears and her empire until 2017. TMZ called Brit Brit the “reigning queen of Las Vegas,” which is bold, because Harvey Levin is going to have to face the glittery wrath of Celine Dion and Elton John the next time he’s there. TMZ called her the current queen of Vegas, because she got a $5 million raise.
Brit’s first 2-year contract was worth $30 million. Her new 2-year contract is worth $35 million and she doesn’t have to do that many performances, so she’s getting paid more per show. Brit also gets a cut of the shit she sells. TMZ thinks that she could end up making more than Celine Dion.
Shouldn’t there be a law in Las Vegas that states that no other performer can make as much as the GREATEST SINGUH IN DUH WURRLD?! The second Britney makes even one penny more than Celine Dion, every piece of faux gold in Las Vegas should turn to ash and every neon bulb should explode. That will be a sad, tragic day.
I already wrote about this, but I went to see Brit’s show a few months ago and even thought it felt like I was watching an elaborate animatronic show, I loved it. That may or may not have had to do with the fact that I was
three sheets a Bed, Bath and Beyond bedding section to the wind. So I say, get every dollar, Brit. She already got the most for doing the least and now she’s getting even more for doing even less. Truly my idol! Hopefully she’ll celebrate by splurging on a toddler pizza instead of a baby pizza.
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
Audrey Hepburn, Jackie O, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Coco Chanel, Katharine Hepburn and Britney Jean Spears are all names that pop up in your brain when you think of the most legendary fashion icons who ever lived. But for some strange reason, all of those ladies, except for Brit Brit, get the recognition they deserve. Well, Daddy Spears finally righted that wrong by buying his little moneymaker the Candie’s Style Icon Award which was presented to her at last night’s Teen Choice Awards in L.A.
I have always thought that the teens don’t know shit about shit since they made Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande Latte famous. But they have proven that they have some sense by honoring Brit Brit for her contribution to style. The teens (read: the producers and the executives at Candie’s) chose (read: picked Brit Brit after Daddy Spears passed them a check) to honor Brit Brit, because she truly is an underrated jewel of fashion.
While most hos would look like dirty pieces of trash as they walk barefoot into a gas station bathroom, Brit Brit personifies grace and sophistication when she does it. While most hos would look like sloppy messes if they wore generic UGGs and coochie cutters, Brit Brit looks the exact opposite.
The Cheetolings and Brit’s niece went to the TCAs with her last night and she collected her surfboard award while looking like a terrified Kesha if Kesha was abducted by aliens and forced to perform in an Ice Capades show on a space ship. After winning the Style Icon award, Brit Brit spoke to E! News and they asked if she’s going to keep doing her show in Las Vegas once her contract is up. Surprisingly, she didn’t say, “Ask papa.” Instead, she said she didn’t know:
“I’m not really sure. I haven’t made up my mind. I really love doing the show. It’s a lot, a lot of fun but I’m kind of torn right now. I don’t really know what I want to do.”
Brit Brit doesn’t need Las Vegas anymore! Now that the world is finally seeing her as the legend of fashion that she is, she should move to Paris and take over the House of Chanel from Kunty Karl!
And here’s more of Brit Brit trying to smile through the Botox.
Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.