Every Starbucks in England has filed for an emergency bailout of much-needed supplies because they are out of everything and that could mean only one thing: Britney Spears is over there! Brit Brit is in London where so far she’s busted out her flawless lip-synch act during the Apple Music Festival and did The Jonathan Ross Show. Brit Brit’s interview with Wossy (look at me speakin’ Brit-esh!) taped yesterday (it’ll air on October 1st) and according to a couple of people who were in the audience, she went off script a bit. Brit Brit actually said the word “conservatorship” out loud. And when she did, London the Dog’s ear’s perked up, the hairy pussy strip on Adnan Ghalib’s chin fell off and her old pink wig threw itself off of its wig head at the Smithsonian. It’s at the Smithsonian, right?
That’s right, Justin Timberlake, put your hands together and pray to the heavens above that St. Starbucks will bless you with the chance to work with an angel like Britney Spears. And also if you have the time, ask St. Starbucks to send you a sacred Frapp in the event she needs a little convincing.
A few weeks ago, Britney admitted during an interview with Most Requested Live With Romeo that she would like to work with Steven Tyler, Katy Perry, and Justin Timberlake, who she called “very good.” The only name in that list that anyone cared about was Justin Timberlake, because who wouldn’t want to take a trip back to 2001? Let me just grab my magenta Motorola RAZR, a 12-pack of stick-in hair gems, and my nicest hanky-hem halter dress real quick and we’ll be off.
Sadly, your eyeballs will not get a serving of a 98% naked Miley Cyrus licking the red carpet while spreading her chipmunk nalgitas to show off her Jeremy Scott-designed butt plug tassel. Because Miley Cyrus announced that she has retired from the red carpeted stroll for the rest of eternity!
If I had to describe Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV VMAs last week, I’d say she was mostly committed to moving her mouth along with the music. I also watched both the VMAs backstage and audience camera feed, and both times I saw Brit Brit, she was smiling like they told her she was going home with a $50 Cracker Barrel gift card. But according to InTouch Weekly, the Britney I saw at the VMAs was far from the Britney they saw. TMZ says Britney’s lawyer claims that what InTouch saw isn’t the truth and her team has threatened to sue.
The last time Britney Spears performed at the MTV VMAs was during her Pink Wig Days in 2007 and her “sad stripper falling asleep against the pole in a truck stop bathroom at 9:30 on a weekday morning” performance left everyone with chunky layer of WTF on their faces. But with help from Daddy Spears’ cheese grits-covered ladle, Brit Brit has come a long way and made her triumphant return to the VMAs last night!
Britney Spears’ new album Glory (Hole) is out today, and to promote it, her team pushed her into a locked moving metal box and forced her to uncomfortably sit while listening to the English Jimmy Fallon yodel out her songs. Brit’s team obviously doesn’t think she’s been through enough.
If you really don’t know the words to Brit Brit’s songs, you’re not alone. It doesn’t seem like she really does either. During James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke bit on The Late Late Show, which aired last night, they went through some of her hits and his vocal cords produced actual musical notes while she just sort of mouthed along…. BUT, for a second or two, my ears did take in the sound of Brit Brit singing live! If vocal cords had brains, Brit Brit’s would think to themselves, “Heh? What’s going on?”