“Oh goshdarnit, Ah think ah just gambled ayn loss into mah freakum toga…”
Engineers specialized in auto-tune theatrics and graphic designers are rejoicing, because the Empress of Auto-Tune and the Princess of Photoshop (sorry, the queen crown belongs to Mariah Carey) is coming back with a new album. Last night, Katy Perry squirted out the song that’s been brewing inside of her (and the other 4 writers too, I’m sure) for years. Katy released “Rise,” a dramatic anthem that will heal the world and cure Zika, or something.
Katy Perry wasn’t the only one to push out a song that will fill her vault with even more gold bars (while inspiring the world, of course). Brit Brit (giving you “nervous Burning Man go-go dancer” above) released “Make Me,” the first song off of her 9th album. “Make Me” is Brit Brit’s first since song that eardrum-murdering abomination “Pretty Girls” and it’s a zillion times better. Although, the sound of a hippo with diarrhea shitting onto a hyena trapped in a turned-on garbage disposal would probably sound better than “Pretty Girls.”
The song also features some rapper named G-Eazy, and if you haven’t put it in your ears yet, here you go.
Many say that “Make Me” is about Brit Brit getting some dick. But to me, it sounds like she’s at home alone, watching TV and when a commercial for Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos comes on, she can’t fight the urge to make sweet mouth love to that deliciousness anymore and jumps in her car to get some. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:
Friday, I’m dreaming a mile a minute ’bout somebody
This feeling, I wanna go with it, cause there’s no way
We’re hiding away from this tonight, oh, this tonight
Can tell you want me
By the way I see you starin’ ‘cross the room, babe
No shame in the game
Just cut the shit, be honest
Yeah, you know what you gotta do tonight, do tonight
Yup, totally a sexy ode to Burger King’s Mac N’ Cheetos.
Famous people get recognized all the time, and one of the most common places is at the airport. Ed O’Neill is famous for a whole bunch of reasons, but the two most obvious would be for playing Al Bundy on Married…with Children and Jay on Modern Family. So it should be no surprise that random people would stop him in the airport and ask for a picture. Ed was recently on Ellen, and he told a story about being recognized in the airport by a fan. The only thing was, the fan wasn’t some random person; it was Britney Spears, and he had no idea.
Ed says he was waiting to board a flight to Hawaii from LAX last May when Brit Brit approached him and said: “Oh, Mr. O’Neill, I love Modern Family, and you’re my favorite on the show.” I would have thought Britney would be more of a Mitchell fan, on account of him looking the most like a Cheeto (“Ah could just gobble him up!”). But no, Britney loves the grouchy grandpa types apparently. She asked Ed for a picture, and Ed agreed. How very un-Justin Bieber of you, Ed O’Neill.
Britney later tweeted the pic with the caption: “Fancy running into this guy! Such a sweetheart!!” Ed finally realized who the excited airport rando was after his manager texted him about it the next day. His daughter, of course, knew exactly who it was, and called him a moron for not recognizing that he was in the presence of such a legend. It all happens around the 3:08 mark below.
That was really nice of Ed, because he clearly made her day. I mean, look at Britney’s face! That’s the most life-like Britney has looked in years! The next time Britney’s handlers want a real, not-forced smile from her at an event, they should shout “Look! It’s the grandpa from Modern Family!”
Behold, BritBot Giving You “Animatronic Deer Caught In The Headlights” At The Billboard Music Awards
Never mind the Blair Waldorf look-alike on the left (who is finally letting out a stuck fart) and the sneaky Bjork look-alike on the right (who just emptied a box of Lemonheads into her mouth). The real star of that picture is Brit Brit Spears who brought about as much excitement to the Billboard Music Awards as an over-steamed green bean brings to your mouth.
Brit Brit got the Millennium Award (whatever that is) at the BM Awards tonight and she opened up the show with a medley of her songs. My drunk, middle-aged uncle who doesn’t know any Brit Brit Spears songs by heart would’ve done a better job of lip-synching than she did, but who cares?! It’s Brit Brit!
Who cares if a book in any Kartrashian’s house gets more use than that mic Brit is wearing does? Who cares if Brit Brit has the energy of a Roomba that has about 2% of power in it? Who cares if she looks like she would rather be eating giant spoonfuls of grits NOT made with Velveeta? Who cares about any of that! It’s Brit Brit and she still moved her mouth a couple of times and gave us a violent weave tornado by whipping her head around.
It’s wrong of me to accuse Brit Brit of lip-synching. It’s obvious that she’s singing live and her vocals just so happen to sound exactly like the original studio recordings of her songs (with auto-tune). Queen of Live Singing!
And here’s Brit Brit wearing Frederick’s of Hollywood’s version of Storm from X-Men’s costume while posing like a nervous 6-year-old on picture day.
Pics: Splash, Getty
“Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” That’s me in a little newsboy cap shouting at you, our esteemed readers. I’m shouting because here at DListed, we bring you the finest news from the finest sources. We know what we’re bringing you is 100% (numbers not accurate) true and straight from the horse’s mouth. Like today. Today I will have you know that, apparently, Britney Cheeto Starbucks Uggs Babydropper Spears is addicted to internet porn.
According to The National Enquirer, Britney’s friends are concerned because she’s been burning through AOL internet time discs looking at people bumping uglies, knocking boots and putting D in P like no one’s business – which it isn’t! If a grown ass woman wants to spend the hours she has off from her lazy, lip-snyched show looking at porn, she can! This comes on the heels of Britney telling an audience at her show that she wants “a really hot nerd with a big dick.” Nasty talk like that can only be the work of internet porn.
Who is that on the cover of V Magazine?
1. Is it Jessica Simpson after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
2. Is it Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race in Britney Spears drag after being ran through Photoshop twice and covered with Instagram filters?
3. Is it Britney Spears circa 2003?
The answer is: None of the above. It’s Britney circa today, bitch. More like, it’s, Photoshop, bitch.
“Ah have no idea who this is….” – Brit Brit to herself in that pic.
Britney Spears was definitely feeling the burn yesterday, because the three Fiery Doritos® Locos Tacos Supreme she had for lunch went through her fast and 3 potty times later, her chapped b-hole was on fire. But she wasn’t feeling the Bern, obviously, since she met and posed with Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas yesterday. Hillary Clinton is in Vegas for the Democratic Caucus in Nevada. Hillary already won the highly coveted Lindsay Lohan endorsement and if she gets endorsements from Brit Brit and Heidi Montag, she’ll be able to call Mayflower Movers to schedule a move into the White House, because she’ll have this.
Brit Brit added this note to the picture she posted on Instagram:
Being in Vegas for #PieceOfMe is amazing for so many reasons… Especially today… because I had the incredible opportunity to meet @HillaryClinton!! Such an inspiration and beautiful voice for women around the world!!! This woman had an intense presence and I felt very honored to meet her!!!
Brit originally endorsed Hillary by adding #ImWithHer to that note, but she (or someone on Team Cheetolings) deleted it. But I don’t think Brit meant to endorse Hillary in the first place. I thought that Brit Brit used to be a Republican, but I’m pretty sure she’s a registered Frappertarian now. So she was typing #ImWithHersheysSyrup but the grease on her hands from the Popeye’s chicken she was having as a snack caused her fingers to slip on the keys and she published it too fast. That’s all!
And I love this pic:
Hillary “The Cockblocker” Clinton doesn’t mess around. Hillary knows that Ole’ Bill’s peen is like a magnet and automatically flies toward any stranger vagina in the immediate vicinity and Hillary wasn’t having it. Not today, Billy.
You’d think that Brit Brit looks for two things in a future boyfriend: 1. A dude who thinks her morning dutch ovens are romantic. 2. A dude who knows her Starbucks order by heart (A Venti butterscotch Frapp with extra whip, chocolate shavings, chocolate syrup and pork rind bits that most L.A.-area Starbucks keep in the back just for her). But during her show, A Piece of Me, in Las Vegas on Sunday night, Brit told the audience that what she really wants is a hot nerd with a big dick. Me too!
Somewhere backstage, Daddy Spears stopped counting that night’s earnings and let out a big cheese grits-scented sigh. Because the next time he interviews possible leased man friends for his deep fried dumpling, he’s got to bring a measuring tape and make sure they pass the “nerd according to Britney” test, which has two questions on it:
1. Do you wear glasses? If so, move on to question 2.
2. What’s the answer to 2+3? You can’t use a calculator! But you can totally use your fingers. It’s not like we’re looking for the reincarnation of Einstein.
Okay, in the post below I said that Brit Brit Spears was very busy waving her fallen asleep arm and moving her mouth in rehearsals for her Las Vegas show, but I was obviously wrong. Brit Brit is also spending some of her time oozing pure art onto a blank canvas while wearing what looks like the ace bandage tube top that Hilary Swank wore in Boys Don’t Cry. Brit’s people posted this soothing video on Instagram of her painting I don’t know what (Rainbow cocoons? Deformed leaves? Gerbils in body bags?).
The staff at the Louvre can go ahead and take all of their paintings off of the walls and put that shit in storage indefinitely, because they need to make a whole lot of room for the exquisite works of art from Cheetoangelo!
“Yum! Ah love leftovers!”
It’s been almost three months since Britney Spears (or the team assigned to handle her dating life) called it quits with that dude who looks like a cleaned up version of Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And now it looks like Las Vegas’ richest karaoke performer is ready to
dive awkwardly fall off a floaty chair back into the dating pool.
TMZ says that Brit Brit’s latest gentleman caller is Harry Morton, a person who was semi-famous during a time in history I like to call The Von Dutch Hat Years. Harry used to date Lindsay Lohan back in 2006. And he maybe did Paris Hilton. He also recently-ish dated Demi Moore. On the plus side, Harry has a job; he owns douchebag mecca Pink Taco and the Viper Room. According to TMZ, Brit Brit and Harry went on a sushi date in Studio City on Friday night (you can see the truly gripping pictures of said date here). No word on whether or not Harry will be Brit Brit’s next contract boyfriend, but he did make it to the first date stage of auditions, so that’s a good sign.
I’m not sure how I feel about Brit Brit and Harry Morton. I know it’s wrong to judge a dick by its cover, but when its been covered by questionable coochie (see: Paris Hilton’s), I get a little skeptical. And really, what do they have in common besides a love of tacos? If only Brit Brit could find a fellow animatronic Vegas icon to date. Is Vegas Vic single?
Here’s the man Jayden James and Sean Preston might soon be calling “Unky Harry” leaving Craig’s restaurant last night.
Seen above wondering if that wet butt burp she just let out is going to leave a mark, Brit Brit Spears has announced that Las Vegas will get 2 more years of her captivating lip-synching skills and amazing armography!
During her show last night, Brit Brit told the audience that she’s doing 2 more years of Piece of Me and will make it rain for Daddy Spears and her empire until 2017. TMZ called Brit Brit the “reigning queen of Las Vegas,” which is bold, because Harvey Levin is going to have to face the glittery wrath of Celine Dion and Elton John the next time he’s there. TMZ called her the current queen of Vegas, because she got a $5 million raise.
Brit’s first 2-year contract was worth $30 million. Her new 2-year contract is worth $35 million and she doesn’t have to do that many performances, so she’s getting paid more per show. Brit also gets a cut of the shit she sells. TMZ thinks that she could end up making more than Celine Dion.
Shouldn’t there be a law in Las Vegas that states that no other performer can make as much as the GREATEST SINGUH IN DUH WURRLD?! The second Britney makes even one penny more than Celine Dion, every piece of faux gold in Las Vegas should turn to ash and every neon bulb should explode. That will be a sad, tragic day.
I already wrote about this, but I went to see Brit’s show a few months ago and even thought it felt like I was watching an elaborate animatronic show, I loved it. That may or may not have had to do with the fact that I was
three sheets a Bed, Bath and Beyond bedding section to the wind. So I say, get every dollar, Brit. She already got the most for doing the least and now she’s getting even more for doing even less. Truly my idol! Hopefully she’ll celebrate by splurging on a toddler pizza instead of a baby pizza.