Do your past mistakes and embarrassing behavior keep you up at night? Do scenarios where you’ve acted inappropriately or said something stupid run on continual loop of shame whenever you close your eyes? If so, Britney Spears has got a solution. According to Britney, “the secret to happiness: No memory”.
Ricky Martin presented Britney with a Vanguard award at the GLAAD Awards, so Access Hollywood reporter, Scott Evans (not that one) whipped out a 1999 picture of Ricky and Britney together and asked her what she remembered about the day the photo was taken. Britney’s answer: Not a Goddamn Thing.
I was hoping the ghost of Patrick Swayze would storm in and announce “nobody puts Britney in a corner” because she looks like she needed saving. Britney was joking, but her face is telling a harrowing tale throughout this interaction. She looks like she would chew her own leg off if it meant Scott would stop asking her to remember things. What he should have done was lay a trail of Cheetos to lure Britney into a safe space then calmly tell her where she was and what year it is. If he had done that, she probably wouldn’t have had to dismiss him like he was a rabid Jehovah’s Witness.
Halle Berry was a presenter at the GLAAD Media Awards on Thursday and took a moment to mention one of the greatest films of all time – 2004’s Catwoman – and declare that she thought it deserved another “goddamn chance.” YES, IT DOES. The only thing wrong with this emancipation of a bad movie proclamation was Halle not working that Clan of the Cave Bear braid that she was sporting last summer. That braid took us all to Fascination Street. Was it for a movie? Was she exploring the woodlands in a much more barbaric time? Bring that braid back, Ms Berry. And lobby for a release a Criterion Collection cut of Catwoman, already. Sharon Stone (she played the villain) has already got an outfit for the release party to go with her derisive laughter.
It’s been 10 years since Daddy Spears used his Velveeta grits-stirring wooden ladle to weave some magic around and save his double deep fried pork rind fritter from further sliding into a messy puddle of tragicness during her mental breakdown. Britney Spears’ dad Jamie Spears became the boss of her life in 2008 after she shaved her head, tried to murder a pap’s SUV with an umbrella and did a barefoot walking tour through all the gas stations in Los Angeles County. Yes, it’s been 10 years. We’re really going to need a “Where Are They Now?”, because I lay awake at night sometimes and think, “For where art thou, Assistant Carla?”
UsWeekly is hearing that Daddy Spears is looking into taking a sledgehammer to his 36-year-old daughter’s shackles and set her free.
The Spears clan may fuck around with fashion and gas station boiled peanut stands, but one thing they do not fuck around with is their stash of Benjis in the bank. Oh, who are we kidding? Britney Spears keeps her savings buried in Folgers coffee cans out in the backyard. But now that her ex Kevin Federline has showed up with a shovel looking for more moolah, Jamie Spears is about to let the hound dogs out in the form of Uncle Sam. Continue reading
If this story needed a soundtrack, it might be Everytime by Britney Spears played on repeat. Because every time Kevin Federline tries to get some more money, he gets a dial tone, or in this most recent instance, a helpful list of how he can get the most bang for his monthly child support bucks.
And somewhere in her Lisa Frank sticker-covered villainess lair, Taylor Swiftlystealingideasfromeveryone just copied the link to this ad and put it in her folder marked: Things To Steal Ideas From For My Next Video.
You may be wondering why I put Britney Spears’ name in the headline and used a picture of a Keira Knightley wax figure in raccoon eyes and a wig made out of bleached seaweed. But that’s just Brit Brit after being pulled through the ole’ Photoshop ringer machine a few dozen times. Whenever you think of Brit Brit, you automatically think of a fashion icon for the ages. So it’s not exactly a shock that Kenzo asked her to be the face of their new ad campaign. It’s also not a shock that Brit Brit mostly walks in the ad since: 1. Brit Brit only waves her arms for that Las Vegas $$$$. And 2. Brit Brit has walked some of the world’s most prestigious runways (read: the hallways of her McMansion). Only Brit Brit could make clothes that really should’ve been left in the early-aughts look like HIGH FASHUN!
And I wonder how many times K-Fed tried to crash the set and get into Brit Brit’s pockets to get money to feed his starving family since he’s barely getting by on that poverty-level $20,000 a month? The answer to that question is obviously zero. Like K-Fed would really pull himself off of his La-Z-Boy to do that shit.
Pic: Peter Lindbergh/Kenzo