Seen above serving up “socially awkward 10-year-old who grew up in a cult her entire life and was forced to smile on picture day at her first day of public school after the compound she lived on was shut down by the feds and her parents were arrested” realness, Brit Brit was probably one of the biggest stars at the completely scripted and useless People’s Choice, I mean Publicist’s Choice Awards last night. Being around humans makes Brit Brit more nervous than when Daddy Spears tells her that she best eat the green beans part of her Hungry-Man Meal, but she agreed to show up and accept the bought-and-paid for award after he promised to buy her a BurritoBox nightstand if she did. Well, Brit Brit’s hamburger bed is about to get a burrito-making neighbor, because she fulfilled her end of the deal by putting on a purdy smile while posing with that crystal butt plug trophy.
As much as I’m happy that Brit Brit’s weave doesn’t look like a pack of bleached ferrets fighting for once, I’ve got the sads at her not posing with Justin Timberlake. JT and Brit Brit were in the same building and they couldn’t recreate one of the most glamorous moments in history by putting on their matching jean outfits and posing together for old time’s sake? Couldn’t Daddy Spears promise to buy Brit Brit a bidet that shoots out Frapps if she did that? It’s what the world needs now.
Here’s Brit Brit using the 20 words she knows (including AWESOME and COOL) to accept her award.
When she walks up those stairs, she looks like she just finished being the pass-around-bottom at an orgy and the numbing lube she smeared on her asshole is starting to wear off. I feel your pain, Brit. (Yeah, I wish.)
While Brit Brit was trying to give at least half a fuck during the opening of show Piece of Me in Las Vegas last night, Miley Cyrus was in the audience sucking up that spotlight by acting like a garden lizard on Ecstasy. Miley danced with cool mom Lynne Spears and I wish Tish Cyrus was in that picture to complete the hillbilly mess trifecta, but that anime horse was probably a few miles away in Downtown Las Vegas, doing the two-step on top of a bar at the Fremont Casino after getting drunk on sweet tea vodka.
Since Miley is clit deep in her faux lesbian phase, during the show she did the ass-to-puss grind with one of Brit Brit’s dancers while fake making out with a different one. It’s like watching the straight daughter of a Baptist preacher act all rebellious by kissing one of her girlfriends in front of a bunch of frat boys. Speaking of fathers, please don’t show this to Billy Ray. I wouldn’t be surprised if this clip gets pulled from YouTube due to the fact that NOBODY wants Billy Ray to see this.
But what really offends me is that Miley is wearing an outfit that every member from Jade wore better 20 years ago.
Here’s more pictures of Miley, Jamie Lynn Spears, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez and Glamberace at last night’s show.
Even though Brit Brit’s pussy might be the only pussy on the planet that doesn’t go crazy when it sees a laser, this was still probably the highlight of the night….
At the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, Brit Brit’s Piece of Zzzzzz show opened and solely judging by the videos and pictures from that Ambien-induced mess, she had the energy of a battery-powered animatronic sloth whose AA batteries have 2% of power in them. Bitch nailed it! During a total of 100 shows, spread over 2 years, Brit Brit will lip-synch and sleep dance through 24 songs, change costumes 7 times and throw 2 different wigs on her head. Brit Brit looks like she’d rather be lounging in her La-Z-Boy recliner while nibbling on Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Walmart during a Duck Dynasty marathon, but since the Spears family has more double wides and duct tape to buy, bitch’s gotta bring in those coins. You can watch a bunch of the performances here, but below is the opening.
YES at those sensible dancing shoes. Our Lady of Cheetos truly is the American dream. Bitch is doing the least while making the most.
When it was announced that Brit Brit Spears will grace Las Vegas with her natural talent for moving her mouth to a song while waving her arms, every single living thing with at least half of a working brain cell assumed that she would lip-synch like the last place winner on Puttin’ on the Hits. Or lip-synch like a deaf possum with his jaw wired shut. But Brit Brit said in an interview that she will be singing live and her beef jerky-faced manager Larry Rudolph said that she was working with a vocal coach. Well, the dress rehearsal for her show Piece of Me happened last night and if she sang live, then I’ve got a clean record at the free clinic, and she’s a singing genius, because she somehow managed to sound exactly like the album recording. She must have auto-tune installed in her vocal cords.
Of course Brit Brit isn’t going to totally sing live in her show. Showing up to a Brit Brit show and expecting sounds to come out of her mouth is like showing up to a glory hole and acting all surprised when a hard, drippy dick pokes you in the face. Above and below (that clip below looks like something out of a trailer park production of Angels in America the Musical) are clips from last night’s final dress rehearsal and it’s obvious she’s either mumbling over a track or totally lip-synching. But there’s two very good reasons for why she’s not singing live.
1. Brit Brit sounds like a chipmunk with laryngitis on helium getting attacked by a pack of hyenas when she sings live, so if she did sing live, the ASPCA and PETA would be at the stage door every night.
2. Singers who sing several times a week are told by vocal coaches to stay away from certain foods before a performance and those certain foods include anything salty, which includes CHEETOS. Can you imagine if Our Lady of Cheetos couldn’t fill her eating hole with her life food, pork rinds and other gourmet delicacies found at a 7-Eleven? The world as we know it would change. Frito-Lay would have to file for bankruptcy and Chester Cheetah would have to suck Ronald McDonald’s dick behind a dumpster to pay the rent.
So Brit Brit isn’t lip-synching for her life, she’s lip-synching for Chester Cheetah’s life!
It’s been almost 72 hours since the Internet cracked open and hospitals reported a 100,000% rise in concussions from hos falling back out of their chairs while downloading Beyonce’s new visual album masterpiece. The world will never be the same again and I’m sure everyone’s spending their weekend writing a 10,000 word essay on where they were when Beyonce’s album came out. They would be in church today thanking the Gods for this gift, but on the front door of every church is the note: CLOSED TODAY, GO CLEANSE YOUR SOUL BY LISTENING TO BEYONCE’S MUSICAL BIBLE INSTEAD.
Rap-Up reports that the BumbleBeys bought 80,000 copies in just 3 hours after it went up on iTunes. 24 hours later, 430,000 copies were snatched up. And HITS Daily Double says that she sold another 70,000 copies yesterday bringing the total number of downloads to 500,000 in just 48 hours. It will debut at #1 on Billboard and some predict that another 100,000 copies will be bought before the sales week ends. Lady CaCa sold 258,000 copies of ARTPOP in the US in its first week, Miley Cyrus sold 270,000 copies of Bangerz in the US in its first week and 286,000 copies of Katy Perry’s Prism were sold in the US in its first week. Beyonce pretty much scalped all those bitches without even whispering about this shit.
The release of Beyonce’s musical Bible also got more tweets per minute than Sharknado did. Sharknado pulled out 5,000 tweets per minute and Beyonce’s album pulled out 5,300 tweets per minute.
Yes, I know Christmas should be renamed Beysmas and every December we should hang lace fronts on our mantles and celebrate the day Beyonce’s album was born, but I’m really not that impressed. Do you know who sold 107,000 copies with basically zero promo and less than zero effort? Exactly:
And Brit Brit didn’t even have to get in front of a mic to record all those songs on Britney Jean. Engineers and producers just pieced together her voice from other songs and a ghost singer filled in the rest. Our Lady of Cheetos doesn’t even have to take the Frapp straw out of her mouth to sell a 100,000 copies. Beyonce could never. Top that Beyonce! (Cut to next week when Beyonce releases an EP of her fart sounds and sells 2 million copies in 20 minutes.)
That’s “not right” in Spanish. Thank you, Google translate; my high school self wishes she’d known you.
Brit Brit gave an interview to Univision’s Despierta América (via HuffPo) wherein she swings for the fences in a really ‘clueless about culture’ way that some people are saying is borderline racist-y. If any of you teach a master class in “Oh no, please stop talking. Fuck fuck fuck she’s still talking” this interview should be Lesson 1:
At 1:21 – We start out strong with a quote that sounds like it was said by Mayella from To Kill A Mockingbird. When asked what she likes most about Latinos, she says:
“I think it’s very sexy. I’ve always loved Latinos. They make me think of the typical ‘bad boy’ type that your father wouldn’t let you go out with.”
EEEESH. All the shirt collars in the world just got bacon-neck from us nervously tugging at them with our index fingers.
At 1:58 – Britney attempts to speak Spanish. The only languages I understand are English, French, and the broken-static that comes from the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru speakers, so I have NO clue if what Britney is doing here is speaking Spanish or doing the Hispanic version of ching-chang-chong or suffering from a brain aneurysm. Either way, it feels like about an 8 on the No Está Bien scale.
At 2:16 – Finally, she wraps up her Latin interview with “Ciao, bella” kiss-fingers, which is…an Italian thing.
The perfume that Brit Brit keeps singing about must be made of 98% chloroform, because this video is visual Ambien. That topless piece Brit Brit’s singing on was obviously drugged into a temporary coma and she looks like she’s on the verge of going mimi times, because she just ate a lunch of orange chicken from Panda Express and a Crunchtada from Del Taco. The video’s pretty basic. Our Lady of Cheetos and some hot model type hang around in some empty motel in Barstow and roam the streets looking for a fix or some shit. Then the video switches to shots of Brit Brit singing in a truck all alone while her piece hangs around in that same empty motel with some home wrecking, brown-haired slut.
I stuck two crunchy Cheetos under my eyelids and watched the entire thing. After watching it, I wasn’t sure who the side piece was: that hussy tramp Cindy or Brit Brit? And then I realized that I should probably re-enter preschool, because I’m not clear on the plot points of a fucking Britney Spears video. That’s like needing the Cliff Notes for a Dick and Jane book. When a Brit Brit video is too complex for you to understand, it’s time to excuse yourself to go and eat glue at the round table.
And the director of this video, Joseph Khan, said on Twitter that the video was supposed to be more complex, but Team Brit Brit forced him to tame it:
The DC is a minute longer and there's a very shocking ending. But not what you think. I call it BREAKING BADNEY.
— Joseph Kahn (@JosephKahn) December 10, 2013
Breaking Badney? I’m taking that to mean that Brit Brit and that whore Cindy are rival drugs lords and the dude is a dealer who switches sides. So Brit Brit kills both of them in a motel room, uses one of her stank perfumes to hide the scent of their murder, throws their bodies in the trunk of a car, puts on her pink wig and drives off into the desert with London in the passenger seat. The end.
Britney Spears came out to Planet Hollywood in Vegas last night looking good- the hair is on point, the tits look reeled in and there’s no sign of Cheeto dust anywhere- all major plusses!
Billboard says the event was to kick off Britney’s Vegas show starting December 27 and tickets will go from $59 to $229 in a nightclub-ish theatre that will thankfully have bottle service. I know there are some ride or die Britney fans out there, but for $200, I’d better be plastered enough to try and hump the gay guy next to me during “Womanizer” and end the night singing “Oops, I Did It Again” better than Brit ever has between heaves in the ladies room toilet. I might just be bitter because any attempts at nailing her choreography over the years has looked way less “I’m A Slave 4 U” and way more like this.
Here are pics of Britney looking like someone sent Lenny Kravitz in character from The Hunger Games to give her the Katniss Everdeen treatment. It looks like a definite upgrade from one of their previous meetings where Brit wore an outfit made from the curtains of a gentleman’s club Champagne Room and Lenny dressed up as the magic carpet from Aladdin.
Here we go again. Another day, another story about Robin Thicke’s wandering dick. You’d think his peen would get tired and request a day off or a vacation or something. Robin’s dick should bring that up at his next performance evaluation; at the very least, he deserves an epsom salt soak or an undisturbed nap on the couch.
Confirming that we already know that Robin is a lean, mean, man-whoring machine from way back, In Touch is reporting that 10 years ago, Robin Thicke put on his best Beetlejuice courtin’ suit to woo a post-Justin Timberlake-breakup Britney Jean Spears:
“The pair had a fling in 2003 – when Britney was at the top of her game and Robin was trying to get recognized. “He was trying hard to develop a reputation as a hot, young singer, and Brinet was the biggest thing in show business,” the source tells In Touch, sharing that the two met collaborating on a project (which was never released) and “started hooking up.”
And we all know how this storybook romance ends: In January 2004, Britney married Jason “Not the Seinfeld One” Alexander in Las Vegas (a decision that heralded in the Brit Brit Cray Cray Years) and Robin continued his long-term relationship with his high school sweetheart Paula Patton. Of course, Robin’s reps are denying the story because we all know Robin would never, ever cheat on Paula Patton bla bla bla.
Hold on a second. 2003 Britney Spears was top-of-her-game, kissing-Madonna-in-a-wedding-dress, In The Zone Britney. There was no better Britney. But 2004 Britney Spears was Las Vegas-marriage, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, shitty-cover-of-My Perogative pregnant Britney. And now we know that between 2003 and 2004, Britney hooked up with Robin Thicke. Oh dear god…WHAT DID YOUR DICK DO TO BRITNEY SPEARS, ROBIN?!? I’ve heard of ‘Don’t stick your dick in crazy’, but this is more like ‘Don’t let a dick stick crazy in you’.
One good thing I can say about Robin Thicke is that, at the very least, he had some common sense; imagine if he’d picked 2003 Christina Aguilera instead? That’s a stank some men are still trying to scrub off to this day. Although, who am I kidding; Robin Thicke’s 2003 Fuck List probably includes Xtina, Michelle Branch, a Nokia 1100 cellphone, and all the backup dancers from André 3000’s music video for Hey Ya!
I had to check the calendar to make sure I hadn’t fallen into an 8-week stupor and woken up on Dec. 25, because this morning I found a very special gift waiting for me on the internet (the internet is our shared Christmas Tree). Britney Jean Spears has unveiled the album art for her eighth studio album, Britney Jean, as well as a hand-written (drunk scrawled?) note.
I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about this album art right now, it’s as if my brain was just doused with an expired bottle of Midnight Fantasy. First, this photo of Britney looks like someone sent an assistant down to Hollywood and Highland to push past the Spiderman impersonators and find the guy who sells 8×10 graphite pencil portraits of celebrities for $9.99. Second, that neon heart logo is giving me shades of Cocktail, and I’m down with any and all references to a movie where Tommy Girl treats us to butch realness (see also: All the Right Moves). And finally, THAT NAME. “Britney Jean” is the name of the classiest lady who works at a Yankee Candle outlet in Bunkie, LA. It’s so perfect.
Okay, on to this letter. Britney (or an intern who’s being punished for fucking up yesterday’s Starbucks order) writes:
I haven’t sat down to write you guys in SUCH a long time. Long overdue! We’re all so used to getting our thoughts out in 140 characters, but sometimes its nice to take time to sit down and write something a little longer and more personal. I am putting the finishing touches on my new album, “Britney Jean” over the next few days and I am so excited for you to hear it. I poured my heart and soul into this album and it’s been an incredible journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and as I am finishing, I am reminded of the incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years. Thank you all for continuing to follow me on this journey and for allowing me to do what I love to do. I can’t believe this is my eighth studio album and I know I keep telling you that it is my most personal record yet, but its true and I’m really proud of that.
I have been through a lot in the past few years and it has really inspired me to dig deeper and write songs that I think everyone can relate to. Working with people like Sia, William Orbit, and of course Will.i.am has been an amazing experience. They have listened to all of my ideas and helped me bring them to life. There are a lot of really fun, upbeat dance songs, but it was important to me that I show my strength, and my attitude, and my vulnerability. Of course, I also have some surprises for you guys
I want to show you the different sides of Britney Spears. I am a performer. I am a Mom. I am funny. I am your friend! I am Britney Jean.
Hope you love my labor of love!
“Incredible foundation that has supported me for the last 15 years” ie. Chester Cheetah, the good people at No Doz, Daddy Spears’s cheese grits, sweatpants. All jokes aside, I really want to know about these “surprises” she has in store for us; I honestly thought I couldn’t learn anymore about Brit-Brit after watching every episode of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I love the end of that letter; it reads like the list you give to someone who wakes up from a coma.
“Why am I wearing this cordless mic? (Checks list) Oh right, I’m a performer.”
“Who are these tiny Frapp-covered small people? (Checks list) It appears I’m a Mom; these must be my kids.”
“This guy claiming to be my boyfriend needs me to sign his pay check. What’s my name? (Checks list) Britney Jean? That’s weird, I don’t see anything on this list about working at Yankee Candle…”
(Pic via Britney Spears)