Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! »
Just when you think Britney Jean Spears had showed us every facet to the living diamond that is Brit Brit (singer, dancer, author, thespian, perfume mogul, Frapp connoisseur) she goes ahead and adds yet another hyphenate to her already multi-multi-hyphenated list of callings in life. Brit Brit posted this video of herself doing “an impression of a Woody Woodpecker” to Instagram, and it’s every bit as beautiful as you’d imagine Brit Brit doing a Woody Woodpecker impression could be.
Brit Brit (who is dressed like a down-on-her-luck Sally Draper for some reason) begins by exhaling all the air and Cheetos dust and stale Marlboro smoke out of her lungs, mentally disappearing into a special place, then releasing an insane blood-curdling throat cackle while giving “HELP ME” eyes to the camera. I don’t know if it was so much as an impression of Woody Woodpecker or a way to summon the undead souls of every woodpecker in Hell back to earth to do Brit Brit’s bidding. Regardless of what she was trying to do, it was absolutely perfect, and Dave Coulier better watch out, because Brit Brit is coming for his job.
And I don’t know if that’s a Jayden James or a Sean Preston sitting behind her, but that kid has the right idea. No matter how terrified you may be, just smile and laugh. Never show you’re afraid; Brit Brit can smell fear.
During a performance of last night’s most expensive lip-synching show in Las Vegas, one of Brit Brit Spears’ fans, who paid a lot of money to see her move her mouth and wave her arms, recorded a video of her looking like she’s moving her mouth to Sia’s vocals. Leave it to Our Lady of Cheetos to turn fuck effort lip-synching into an art form. Sia wrote that shit and recored a version with Brit Brit. I watched that Instagram video (via ONTD) way too many times and I can kind of hear Brit Brit’s auto-tuned chipmunk yodel underneath Sia’s voice, so who ever is in charge of pressing play on the track Brit Brit lip-synchs to probably pressed play on the wrong track. Brit Brit went on with the show, because she’s a real professional (and mostly because she had no idea what was going on and was too busy thinking about how she can’t wait for Daddy Spears to take her to Buffalo Wild Wings after she finished moving her mouth to that track.)
No, no, no, I was just making jokes about Brit Brit not singing live. We all know that Brit Brit doesn’t lip-synch. We all know that it’s physically impossible for her to open up her mouth without stunningly beautiful, on-key musical notes dancing off of her vocal cords. Brit Brit doesn’t even know what a “lip-synch” is! She thinks it’s a fancy name for “water fountain.” Not many people know this about Brit Brit, since she’s always been humble about her natural gifts, but she actually has two sets of vocal cords. So last night, the audience witnessed true greatness. Brit Brit not only naturally sang her part, but she also sang in the voice of Sia at the same time! Brit Brit’s audience didn’t watch lip-synching-gone-wrong last night. They watched a vocal wonder at work!
I also heard that during last night’s show, she actually did half of a kick ball change (so basically just a kick and a half of a ball or a “kick and a Lance Armstrong” as dance professionals call it). I know, Brit Brit really gave it her all and more last night. She should take the rest of the year off. She and her conjoined twin vocal cords earned it.
Did I say “Viagra“? I meant boiling acid with bits of broken razors floating in it.
One of Brit Brit’s fans got a hold of and uploaded Brit Brit singing “Alien” from her album “Britney Jeans” before producers wrapped the musical condom known as auto-tune around the tattered, raw musical notes coming out of her mouth. Brit Brit’s fan did it, because they want to show the world that she’s practically the Southern Celine Dion and she doesn’t need auto-tune since has the voice of an angel and doesn’t at all sound like a tone-deaf cat on helium yelping in pain.
I wanted to show to everyone how well Britney does sing without any backvocal singers and her raw vocals. Her team and producers should explore more her raw voice, because it is really beautiful and powerfull.
It’s true and now I know why Brit Brit is always lip-synching. It isn’t, because she can’t sing live and has lazy vocal cords. It’s because human ears can’t handle her majestic and glorious singing voice. In fact, you should poke two holes in two pieces of paper and put them over your ears before pressing play or else her powerful voice will burn your ears off.
If YouTube rips down that video (because they hate natural artistry, obviously), click here to hear it.
I really hope that’s just an unfortunate shadow on Britney Spears’s thigh, because it’s too damn early to be catching a glimpse of Brit Brit’s uncooked ham n’ cheese Hot Pocket.
After swearing up and down on a stack of Cheetos that she’d be singing live during each and every one of her Piece of Me shows in Las Vegas, Britney’s manager Adam Leber (I think we found the secret identity of Captain Obvious) has admitted in an interview with Medium.com (via Radar) that the delicate decorative hand soap of Louisiana wasn’t exactly telling the troof and that she’s been lip synching all along. NO. FUCKING. DUH.
“To put on the show that she puts on, it’s virtually impossible to sing the entire time and do what she does. She’s singing on every song, basically, when she has the ability to sing. There’s no way you can dance for 90 minutes straight and sing the entire time.”
“When she has the ability to sing”, which is never, since the only vocal cord warm-up Britney does is when she tries to yell a complicated Frap order into the Starbucks drive-thru speaker without coughing up stale Marlboro Lights smoke. Not to mention how difficult it is to sing, let alone move, when you’re pilled to the gills like one of Siegfried & Roy’s sedated tigers. Forget lip synching, I’m honestly surprised Britney doesn’t do the whole show from a hammock.
Everybody knows that Brit Brit hasn’t yodelled live since 1998, but Adam Leber didn’t have to go and say it out loud. Believing that Britney will sing live is like believing in Santa Claus or wishing on a star. It’s like when a little kid tries to show you a magic trick and you pretend you’re surprised when they pull a quarter from behind your ear. It’s part of the magic to watch Brit Brit, full on cheese grits and No Doz, lumber around the stage, mouthing the words “watermelon cantaloupe” every so often to keep from falling asleep.
When I first read the headline “Britney Spears Dancer — You Broke My Nose And DIDN’T CARE” at TMZ, I thought Brit Brit Spears had somehow gone off her meds without Daddy Spears knowing, brought out the pink wig, whistled for London and Assistant Carla and was back out there terrorizing gas stations and smacking hos like it was 2007 again. But no, the pink wig is not back. Smackney just “accidentally” hit a dancer. And it’s the biggest hit to come out of I Am Britney Jean.
Dawn Noel was hired as a dancer on Brit Brit’s “Work Bitch” video last August. Dawn and the other dancers spent the entire day rehearsing at a studio in Woodland Hills, CA and when Brit Brit showed up she was in a “disheveled and confused state” (read: Brit Brit’s signature look). Dawn says that Brit Brit had “difficulty executing even basic moves” and when they were dancing next to each other, Brit Brit twirled, lost her balance and smacked Dawn right in the face. Dawn claims that Brit Brit slapped her so hard that everyone in the room heard a cracking noise. Dawn was apparently crying in pain and Brit Brit just said “I’m sorry” before going on with rehearsal.
Dawn left rehearsal and went to the doctor who told her that she had a nasal bone fracture and needed surgery. Dawn is filing a lawsuit against Brit Brit tomorrow, because Brit Brit’s team promised to pay her medical bills but never did.
Something in the Velveeta grits ain’t clean about this lawsuit. I see Dawn Noel trying to shake down Our Lady of Cheetos for money! First of all, Brit Brit hasn’t twirled since the Toxic days and the most she does in that “Work Bitch” video is squat like she’s dropping a quick fart. Second of all, Brit Brit doesn’t talk to other people. She only talks to her food and the cartoons on TV. Lawsuit dismissed!
That Cake Wreck cake looks like it was decorated by a strung out junkie with shaky hands before it was loaded onto the back of an El Camino and driven 10 miles on a bumpy dirt road to the venue. It’s the cake version of Brit Brit’s weave. But I still would.
After being engaged to 31-year-old “business man” Jamie Watson for about a year, 22-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears got married to him last night in New Orleans. Yes, Jamie Lynn, the daughter of Jamie and Lynn Spears, got married to a Jamie. If the Jamies have a kid together (which they will since what else do they have to do?), they’ll probably name it Jamie Lynn Jamie Jamie Jamie. Those Spears whores keep trying hard to own the name Jamie, but the only Jamie that will ever matter is Jamie from Small Wonder.
E! News says that Jamie Lynn and Jamie’s wedding and reception went down at the Audubon Tea Room. Jamie Lynn’s 4-year-old daughter Maddie was the flower girl and Brit Brit’s boys Jayden and SPF were the ringbearers. As for Our Lady of Cheetos who should get all the credit for Jamie Lynn’s country wedding since her ass probably paid for all it, she spent the entire reception eating Jordan almonds and playing Kirby’s Dream Land on her pink Nintendo 3DS under a table somewhere.
So far, I’m disappointed by Jamie Lynn’s wedding. This is not a Spears wedding. Where is the bouquet made of torn apart Natty Light cans? Where is the 9-month baby bump under the bride’s white dress? Where is the buffet table with fine gourmet dishes like Cheetos and possum casserole and Slim Jim and raccoon stew on it? Where is the shopping cart grill with snake burgers cooking on it? Why aren’t the guests holding long-stemmed Big Gulp cups full of the homemade hillbilly wine that Daddy Spears made in a big plastic trash can in his backyard? There was none of that, but this happened:
Usually when a bride wears UGGs to her wedding, the ceremony is immediately declared a Satanic ritual. But UGGs are practically a Spears family heirloom, so I’ll let it slide.
Pics: Breathe Heavy
Seen above serving up “socially awkward 10-year-old who grew up in a cult her entire life and was forced to smile on picture day at her first day of public school after the compound she lived on was shut down by the feds and her parents were arrested” realness, Brit Brit was probably one of the biggest stars at the completely scripted and useless People’s Choice, I mean Publicist’s Choice Awards last night. Being around humans makes Brit Brit more nervous than when Daddy Spears tells her that she best eat the green beans part of her Hungry-Man Meal, but she agreed to show up and accept the bought-and-paid for award after he promised to buy her a BurritoBox nightstand if she did. Well, Brit Brit’s hamburger bed is about to get a burrito-making neighbor, because she fulfilled her end of the deal by putting on a purdy smile while posing with that crystal butt plug trophy.
As much as I’m happy that Brit Brit’s weave doesn’t look like a pack of bleached ferrets fighting for once, I’ve got the sads at her not posing with Justin Timberlake. JT and Brit Brit were in the same building and they couldn’t recreate one of the most glamorous moments in history by putting on their matching jean outfits and posing together for old time’s sake? Couldn’t Daddy Spears promise to buy Brit Brit a bidet that shoots out Frapps if she did that? It’s what the world needs now.
Here’s Brit Brit using the 20 words she knows (including AWESOME and COOL) to accept her award.
When she walks up those stairs, she looks like she just finished being the pass-around-bottom at an orgy and the numbing lube she smeared on her asshole is starting to wear off. I feel your pain, Brit. (Yeah, I wish.)
While Brit Brit was trying to give at least half a fuck during the opening of show Piece of Me in Las Vegas last night, Miley Cyrus was in the audience sucking up that spotlight by acting like a garden lizard on Ecstasy. Miley danced with cool mom Lynne Spears and I wish Tish Cyrus was in that picture to complete the hillbilly mess trifecta, but that anime horse was probably a few miles away in Downtown Las Vegas, doing the two-step on top of a bar at the Fremont Casino after getting drunk on sweet tea vodka.
Since Miley is clit deep in her faux lesbian phase, during the show she did the ass-to-puss grind with one of Brit Brit’s dancers while fake making out with a different one. It’s like watching the straight daughter of a Baptist preacher act all rebellious by kissing one of her girlfriends in front of a bunch of frat boys. Speaking of fathers, please don’t show this to Billy Ray. I wouldn’t be surprised if this clip gets pulled from YouTube due to the fact that NOBODY wants Billy Ray to see this.
But what really offends me is that Miley is wearing an outfit that every member from Jade wore better 20 years ago.
Here’s more pictures of Miley, Jamie Lynn Spears, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez and Glamberace at last night’s show.
Even though Brit Brit’s pussy might be the only pussy on the planet that doesn’t go crazy when it sees a laser, this was still probably the highlight of the night….
At the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, Brit Brit’s Piece of Zzzzzz show opened and solely judging by the videos and pictures from that Ambien-induced mess, she had the energy of a battery-powered animatronic sloth whose AA batteries have 2% of power in them. Bitch nailed it! During a total of 100 shows, spread over 2 years, Brit Brit will lip-synch and sleep dance through 24 songs, change costumes 7 times and throw 2 different wigs on her head. Brit Brit looks like she’d rather be lounging in her La-Z-Boy recliner while nibbling on Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Walmart during a Duck Dynasty marathon, but since the Spears family has more double wides and duct tape to buy, bitch’s gotta bring in those coins. You can watch a bunch of the performances here, but below is the opening.
YES at those sensible dancing shoes. Our Lady of Cheetos truly is the American dream. Bitch is doing the least while making the most.