Rosie O’Donnell Got Married

All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O’Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type “knot,” but klit came out and so I’m keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O’Donnell became a wife for the very first second time.

In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can’t get a husband.

Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:

my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people

we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
luckily –
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
things grow
like love and flowers
humans too

so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us

when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times

If Rosie recited one of her “poems” during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she’s a truly dedicated gold digger or she’s willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it’s made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.

Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it’s only August, so there’s room for many more. And yes, that’s me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.

Johnny Depp Wrecked Amber Heard’s Happy Lesbian Home, Maybe

For the past couple of months, there’s been rumors that Johnny Depp has been Edward Scissoring Amber Heard ever since VaJohnny broke up and there’s been more rumors that the two started getting horny for each other while shooting The Rum Diary two years ago. I didn’t really pay too much attention to those rumors, because why would hot piece Amber Heard ride on current day Johnny Depp when she can ride on her hot piece of a girlfriend instead? But now a source tells InTouch Weekly (via DM) that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree stopped bumping coochies a few months ago and they’re still friends.

The source tells InTouch that Amber and Tasya broke up around the same time she started rubbing nipples with Johnny. Who knows if it was a clean break up or if Amber and Johnny pulled an “Eddie & LeAnn” by leaving their pieces for each other. I don’t know, but I do know that Amber has a serious hat fetish. Hat-fucker!

And no, no, Johnny’s dick doesn’t have magical lezzie-rebuking powers. Amber has been open about loving herself some poon AND poon. Although, Johnny’s been looking like a middle-aged gypsy lesbian from New Mexico for a while, so maybe Amber thinks he’s a woman who always wears a really fancy, lifelike strap-on.

But more importantly, what is Amber and Johnny’s couple name. This is obviously the only thing any of us care about? What about BerJohnny? Or Hearpp? Yeah, let’s go with Hearpp. Hearpp has a certain special ring to it.

Queen Latifah Performed For “Her People” At Long Beach Pride This Weekend

Those hoping that Queen Latifah would roll onto the stage at the 29th Annual Long Beach Lesbian & Gay Pride Festival in a Home Depot shopping cart while proudly waving her strap-on in the air were totally disappointed. Queen Latifah made her pride debut this past Saturday night and she didn’t exactly scream that she loves chocha from the top of the amps. But Big Daddy Dana (© Fresh) did say she’s been “waiting a long time to do this” and she’s proud to be “among her people.” To me, that’s basically saying “Rojo Caliente is my party leader” without actually saying the words “Rojo Caliente is my party leader.“

I’d still like to see Queen Latifah proudly wave her strap-on in the air, but only because that would make a really good CAPTION THIS picture. Queen Latifah doesn’t really owe anybody a huge coming out speech, but you know who does owe me something? My cable provider. They owe it to me to include No More Down Low TV in their channel lineup.

via Queerty

Raven Has Some Shit To Say About The Lesbian Rumors

Cancel the “That’s So Raven!” pride parade float sponsored by Sharpie (the trusted name in eyebrow situations), because Raven Symone has stepped far away from the closet door knob and is not coming out publicly anytime soon. Raven went on Twitter today to twat out a few words about the rumor that she and AzMarie from ANTM are playing patty cake with their labias. Whether Raven likes to chupa on clit or peen is her business and nobody else’s. That’s what Raven says and she gave it to us like this:

I’m living my PERSONAL life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I’m dating. and I shall not start now.

My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m datings to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life.

However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone.

I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!

Three things:

1. Raven has been in the game for 25 years?! Welcome to Old Town. Population: ALL OF US.

2. I get that Raven wants to Anderson Cooper it, but at least one time in my life I want to see her zooming down a pride parade route on a Segway with a rainbow flag in her hand.

3. Light being made from love? Bitch didn’t come out as a lesbian, but she did come out as a fucking Care Bear. I KNEW IT!

Raven-Symone Is A Gayelle, So Says The National Enquirer

Two world-renowned fuckery makers joined forces yesterday when Media Takeout reported that The National Enquirer is reporting that Bill Cosby’s granddaughter and brow-challenged Raven Symone is scissoring it up with AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion. The Enquirer says that the “That’s” in That’s So Raven stands for Raven having no fucks to give over her family freaking out about this. Raven is in love, doesn’t care if anybody knows she loves labia and is close to waving her flannel flag in the air. AzMarie has moved into the $11,000 a month apartment that Raven is staying in while she stars in Sister Act on Broadway. The source put it like this:

“She’s at a point now where she doesn’t care what her family thinks, and she’s in love with AzMarie. She’s a lesbian and wants to live that way. She feels her parents are still trying to treat her like she’s a kid, and she’s told them she’s going to do what she wants.

Raven has hidden being gay for a long time now.But about a year ago, she was introduced by a friend to AzMarie, who is absolutely gorgeous. The two began see­ing each other, and a few months ago, Raven finally got the nerve to ask her to move into her lavish Manhattan condo. When her family found out, they blew their stack and it’s created a gay scandal for Raven. She told her parents she loves them, but her home – especially her bedroom – is nobody’s business, and she was not going to back down, so they needed to accept it, period.”

A gay scandal is always the best kind of scandal. Who knows if this is true, but if it is then I’m into this couple. They’re like the lesbian Amber Rose and Kanye but 100% less annoying. AzMarie and Raven both know the importance of a perfect eyebrow situation and their couple name would be AzRave, which sounds like my kind of rave. (I mean, a rave full of adzes? Yes!) But I still won’t fully believe this until Raven comes zooming out of the closet on a Segway with AzMarie sitting in a Segway side car next to her.

Sharon From Kath & Kim Comes Out

Yesterday, the whole of the Internet got a boner after Matt Bomer said in so many words that us gay sluts actually have a chance with him (that’s how I took it) and today the Matt Bomer of Australia (basically), Sharon from Kath & Kim, said on national television that she’s full gayelle. Magda Szubanski, seen on the right as her Kath & Kim character and seen on the left as herself, has come out in the name of marriage equality. The chunk of lard jelly in my chest hasn’t felt this much love for Magda since she refused to have the character she created be used in the pile of rotten spunk that was the Americanized Kath & Kim. Let’s never speak of that shit show again, foxy morons.

This was what Magda said today on Ten’s The Project (click here to see the video):

“It’s not like I was running around hiding it, but there’s a difference between living life openly and living life absolutely publicly. How do you communicate to someone what it feels like to be on the receiving end of prejudice? I was so nerve-wracked yesterday, I demolish a whole packet of Tim Tams.

I am absolutely not straight. I do not identify myself as bisexual either. I identify myself as gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. If there’s a tablet you could take to cure it, I wouldn’t take it.

I love my work … You almost feel like you have to choose. I know you are going to ask me if it would have been hard (to be gay and an actor), but it’s only recently that things have changed. It’s only in the last four years things like civil unions have been granted.”

I was going to spend my Valentine’s Day night by going into random restaurants to find the most in love couple in the place. Then I was going to push at one them before telling him that he left a case of herpes on my ass when we fucked last week. But instead, I’m going to eat a Russell Stover’s (the chocolate, not a piece I met on Grindr) while watching my first season DVD of Kath & Kim. Happy Sharon Comes Out Day!