After Michael Jackson died, we learned that his sister La Toya Jackson is a skilled private investigator and has the spirit of Sherlock Holmes running through her veins. La Toya became Detective La Toya when she correctly smelled something suspicious about her brother’s death and vowed to get to the bottom of it. Today’s Mt. Everest-sized mountain of sadness has also brought out some new information I never knew before. Aretha Franklin is obviously a board certified physician. Because during an interview about Prince’s death today, she offered up her opinion on what she thinks may have taken him away from us.
You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”
So Peter Pan made it legal with her rich-ass internet boyfriend yesterday. According to Page Six, Brian Williams’ kid and College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen, a dude who totally sounds like the 13-year-old villain in a direct-to-DVD Air Bud movie, got married in a fancy secret wedding at a Wyoming ranch. Apparently they wanted to keep it ~so~ secret, so they had all their guests fly to Denver, where they were driven three hours into the middle of horsie country. After they got hitched, Allison threw up a picture of her and Ricky looking like Wedding Day Midge & Allen dolls on Instagram.
They also had a fancy-ass guests list too. Page Six says that Allison and Ricky’s wedding was officiated by Tom Hanks and Ricky’s BFF John Mayer performed. This would be where I’d normally make a “Dear bridesmaids who banged John Mayer under the cake table last night: you’re going to need some cream for that rash” joke. But John’s ex Katy Perry was also there, and you know what happens when you get drunk at a wedding with your ex (ie. you fuck under the cake table).
Other guests included all the Girls girls (Lena Dunham, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet), Anna Wintour’s kid, Rita Wilson, and Andy Cohen. But I’m sure if you ask Brian Williams, the guest list included Jesus, Santa, all 44 Presidents of the United States, Forrest Gump (okay, that one is technically true), Jiff the Pom, and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.
Brian Williams hasn’t even started his new job at MSNBC, and already it sounds like he’s going to have problems. Well, you know – besides the obvious, like getting caught in a web of lies every time someone accuses him to stealing their food from the staff break room. “Of course this is my cereal. It was given to me by U.S. Naval Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch as a reward for rescuing his ship from the Soggies.”
According to Page Six, things started to get awkward between Brian Williams and MSNBC back in 2012. Brian had just done a two-part report for Rock Center with Brian Williams in which he took aim at cable news. Williams described cable news as “corrosive and does nothing to help compromise in this country.” Brian interviewed a bunch of cable news people, like angry daddy Bill O’Reilly and pallid lizard queen Ann Coulter, but MSNBC refused to participate in that fight. MSNBC were so pissed at BriWi for talking shit about cable news that several months later, at their staff Christmas party, everyone celebrated their mutual hatred of Brian Williams by chanting “Fuck Brian Williams.”
And the staff of MSNBC might still be chanting “Fuck Brian Williams” to this day. Page Six says that Rachel Maddow commented on her new co-worker last week, saying that she was “really happy” he was moving in, but added that “it is quite possible that I’m causing some schpilkas [extreme nervousness] somewhere in this building because I’m talking about this.”
I wouldn’t worry too much about Brian Williams’ feelings in all of this. I bet he’s already convinced himself they were actually chanting, “Fuck, Brian Williams…is a really great news anchor.”
What does that mean? Like his asshole? Was the tumor in his asshole? *sad-face*. Brian Williams has had a rough time of it. He was revealed to be a tall tale teller which is a no-no when you’re getting paid millions to anchor the NBC Nightly News. He had to watch his daughter get her ass eaten on Girls. He’s been demoted to MSNBC and replaced by the dude whose chiefly known for saying things like “…and now the conclusion of Passion Pit Patricide in Pittsburgh on tonight’s Dateline NBC.” This morning, however, he hit his bottom. In an effort to hang on to some sort of career, Williams was forced into an interview with the insufferably smug Matt Lauer.
During their discussion, Brian blamed his fanciful tales of Iraq War chopper derring-do on “ego“, and claims he was trying to come off as cooler than the other kids.
“This came from clearly a bad place, a bad urge inside me. This was clearly ego-driven, a desire to better my role in a story I was already in. That’s what I’ve been tearing apart and unpacking and analyzing.”
Lauer, clearly enjoying administering the journalistic equivalent of a colonoscopy sans anesthesia to a formerly envied colleague, made sure Brian explained that he was an insecure neurotic in every way possible.
“It had to have been ego that made me think I had to be sharper, funnier, quicker than anybody else. I told the story correctly for years, before I told it incorrectly. I was not trying to mislead people, (and) that to me is a huge difference. It came from a bad place. It came from a sloppy choice of words. I told stories that were not true. Over the years, looking back, it is very clear I never intended to. It got mixed up, it got turned around, in my mind.”
Money kills brain cells. And sanity. He could have coasted along as the catty bitch running the news game at NBC. Now he’s going to have endure Tamron Hall offering him the banana from her brown bag lunch in the break room and Rachel Maddow instructing her assistant to make sure Brian knows to address her as MIZ Maddow, thank you.
Check out Matt Lauer’s interview with Brian Williams below.
Someone go tell Kenneth Parcell to grab a trash bag and clear the shit off Brian Williams’ desk (ie. the framed picture of the time he met George Washington and Jesus, the medal of courage he gave himself for saving Private Ryan). Earlier today, NBC confirmed what we’ve all pretty much known for a while. Lying enthusiast Brian Willliams won’t be returning to NBC Nightly News and his replacement is Lester Holt.
“Lester has done outstanding work for NBC News over the last ten years, and he’s performed remarkably well over the last few months under very tough circumstances. He’s an exceptional anchor who goes straight to the heart of every story and is always able to find its most direct connection to the everyday lives of our audience. In many ways, television news stands at a crossroads, and Lester is the perfect person to meet the moment.”
“He’s also perfect because he promised he wouldn’t start making shit up” is what NBC went on to say.
So Lester Holt officially has Brian Williams’ job. No word on whether or not he also got Brian’s huge NBC Nightly News salary too. But if you happen to see him zipping around in a solid-gold Phantom with his head out of the window screaming “I’m rich, bitch!“, then that’s probably a yes. Brian Williams, on the other hand, will be on MSNBC from now on. Starting mid-August, BriWi will cover breaking news and special reports. He also released his own statement about leaving NBC Nightly News, and surprisingly, it wasn’t a verbatim copy of Scarface’s “Fuck You” quitting scene from Half Baked.
“I’m sorry. I said things that weren’t true. I let down my NBC colleagues and our viewers, and I’m determined to earn back their trust. I will greatly miss working with the team on Nightly News, but I know the broadcast will be in excellent hands with Lester Holt as anchor. I will support him 100% as he has always supported me. I am grateful for the chance to return to covering the news. My new role will allow me to focus on important issues and events in our country and around the world, and I look forward to it.”
Brian Williams will also fill in as anchor for NBC News live special reports if Lester Holt isn’t available. Why did I just get the mental image of Brian Williams setting up a bunch of elaborate Home Alone-style booby traps along Lester’s route to work while his daughter Allison Williams gives commands over a walkie-talkie. “Daddy, hurry up! We need him gone and you back in charge by the time NBC starts casting for The Wiz Live!“
And now in “Get money” news, which is truly my favorite kind of news, sexy news anchor Lester Holt (don’t judge me) might be inheriting more than just Brian Williams’ custom-made Comfort-A-Bulge™ seat at the NBC Nightly News desk. Page Six says that if/when Lester Holt takes over for Brian Williams, he’s going to try to convince NBC to also give him BriWi’s $10 million a year salary. $10 million!!!
According to a source, NBC doesn’t really have a back-up plan if Lester Holt chooses not to take over for Brian Williams after his six-month suspension is up. Lester apparently knows this too, so he and his agents are trying to squeeze as much cash out of NBC as possible. Lester is currently making about $4 million to read the news, and he’s arguing that if NBC pays him half of what they paid Brian Williams, it sends a message to the newsroom that he’s half the anchor Brian was.
That same source says that NBC is considering giving Lester what Brian made before he signed that $10 million a year deal instead. But since Lester has NBC “by the balls” (I think that source might be my Uncle Lou), there’s a good chance they’ll give in and Lester will be richer, bitch.
Page Six recently said that NBC might keep Brian Williams around after they let him go from the Nightly News, which means there’s a chance NBC will still be cutting him a giant check every month on top of the one they’re cutting Lester. Damn, that’s a lot of money. I expect to see the NBC peacock going by the name “Cockee” and offering something called a “outcalls-only feather job” in an ad in the back pages of a free weekly newspaper.