Well, it’s the weekend and I’m in Florida (HELP) so of course there’s a new story about Charlie Sheen and his ex-fiance, Brett Rossi, real name Scottine. I woke up with the overwhelming desire to cry because I lost my phone last night but seeing this story has given me some clarity. When you think you’re a mess, have acted a mess, just messed mess, think of Charlie Sheen and Brett Rossi. Or Charlie Sheen and anyone. Even Charlie Sheen and inanimate objects. There is no way he doesn’t yell at and allegedly threaten inanimate objects the same way he does living things.
As reported by world renowned journalist, me, last weekend, Brett Rossi filed for a restraining order against Charlie after hearing recordings of him talking about how he’d like to hire someone to kick her head in, amongst other very classy and normal things. The LA Times is reporting that Brett got her restraining order, a temporary one, yesterday. The Times also says that this is hot on the heels of the LAPD saying, on Wednesday, that Charlie is under investigation for alleged threats he made against Brett.
You’d think that think that all things have a limit. Water freezes at 32 degrees. A rope can only hold so much before it breaks. The strain on the Earth’s resources will one day become too much. But, as has been proven time and time again, the law of limits does not apply to Charlie Sheen or his telenovela meets horror movie of a life. So here we are, yet again, staring into the dark abyss and wondering if what we are looking at will ever drive us mad. Charlie’s ex, Brett Rossi, has filed a restraining order against him.
Seen above looking like Carmen
Sandiego Tijuana (no offense to Tijuana, the outlet stores there were a major part of my childhood), Charlie Sheen has officially responded to the lawsuit that his ex-goddess/fiancee Brett Rossi put in a pipe for him to smoke up. Brett Rossi (government name: Scottine Ross) is suing Charlie for the emotional distress she says he caused her by being abusive in more ways than one. Brett claimed in the court papers she filed that Charlie verbally and physically abused her, didn’t tell her about being HIV+ and made her get an abortion. Charlie filed his response to Brett’s lawsuit in court yesterday, and he obviously didn’t write it himself, because it’s missing Shakespearean phrases like “salt-less reputations” and “washed up piglet shame pile.”
When Charlie Sheen was on Today to talk about being HIV positive, he said that “salt-less” and “desperate charlatans” blackmailed him for money and he was done paying all of them to keep his status a secret since everyone knows now. Well, one of those “salt-less” and “desperate charlatans” has hit him with a lawsuit for going back on their alleged deal. Warning: I’m probably going to type “ALLEGEDLY” a lot in this post.
Porn star Brett Rossi (born name: Scottine Ross) was Charlie Sheen’s main goddess for about a year and they even got engaged. We all figured that Charlie and Brett’s relationship was a beautiful union filled with cherub queefs and rainbows. But People says that in papers filed today, Brett claims that she was abused physically and emotionally and Charlie forced her to get an abortion. Allegedly.
File this under: This is why Denise Richards is cackling today.
The inspirational, beautiful story of the love between the warlockized herpes strain Charlie Sheen and his porn piece Brett Rossi was supposed to end with her spoon feeding coke cut with Benefiber into his pepaw nostrils before cutting out a dick hole in his Depends diaper so the hooker they hired has easy access. They were supposed to be together forever. But just like a coochie when Charlie puts his nasty tongue on it, their love foamed at the mouth before dying. They are over.
In just a few weeks, Brett Rossi was supposed to walk down the aisle while carrying a bouquet of crack rocks and she was supposed to officially become Charlie Sheen’s fourth wife after the officiant, Ron Jeremy, announced, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now snort a fat line off of your bride’s asshole.” Charlie tells E! News that he called off their 8-month-old engagement and put Brett on the curb. In the statement he shat up to E!, Charlie calls Brett “Scotty” and I don’t know if that’s his nickname for her or if he just calls everyone that because he can’t remember names. (Added note: I must be on crack because I forgot she changed her name to Scottine Sheen which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.)
“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list. She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”
After reading the line, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus,” Judy at the CPS office in L.A. just screamed out, “GODDAMNSIT,” in her cubicle, picked up her phone and called her kids to tell them that she can’t take them to Knott’s Berry Farm this weekend, because she’s going to be really busy with work since Charlie’s inconsiderate ass has decided he needs to spend time with his kids and ruin them some more. Poor Judy.
The bad news for Brett Rossi is that even though she probably got a good severance package (a leather suitcase full of money and a lifetime supply of Valtrex), she won’t be honored by the Gold Digger Hall of Fame anytime soon because she didn’t secure herself a regular alimony check by making a cracked out Charlie marry her in a drive-thru wedding chapel in Nevada. The good news for Brett Rossi is that she dodged a bullet and I mean that both figuratively and literally.
Today, we should all be mad at the wind for not knocking those two whores off of that cliff when it had the chance. We are all disappointed in you, wind.
But seriously, I should turn off the hate and pat porn star Brett Rossi on the taint for a job well done, because after months of sucking and fucking on Charlie Sheen’s over-cooked penne dick, she is finally one step closer to achieving her gold digger mission. Yesterday, the scent of “true love” smelled like crack pipe residue and dick scabs when Charlie asked Brett Rossi to be his future fourth ex-wife while on vacation in Hawaii. Because Brett knows that she’ll be set up for life if she just marries his nasty ass and pops out a few of his spawn, she said yes. In the crack-infused statement he gave to People, Charlie says that technically Brett will be his third wife since his marriage to his first wife Donna Peel was annulled.
“With all due respect to Donna –
that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.
truly is a charm;
of the real CS,
(Charlie & Scottie)
HAS to be;
Since Charlie’s relationship history is filled with nothing but pure healthiness, I’m sure these two skanks will have a not-at-all fucked up marriage and in 30 years they’ll be sipping virgin mint juleps on the porch of their house while watching their not-at-all fucked up children play with their not-at-all fucked up grandchildren. Or it’ll end with Brett making a tourniquet out of a shower curtain in a locked hotel bathroom after Charlie “accidentally” shot her leg. Either way, #getmoneybitch! But maybe Brett should wear a head-to-toe bulletproof suit while doing so.
And TMZ has pictures of Brett’s engagement ring if you really need to see it. I didn’t know that crack rocks could get so pretty and shiny when you polish them up.
(Pic via @thebrettrossi)