Bret Michaels’ Cartoon Abs Are All Real

Billboard released a picture they swear is Bret Michaels in all his organic glory after a bunch of bitches (yours truly included) screamed at the top of their keyboards that somebody used the decapitation Photoshop tool on his head and then placed it on top of cartoon He-Man’s body. On the left is a 100% natural Bret without one layer of Photoshop touching his skin, and on the right is what showed up on the cover.

Billboard’s photo editor says they only did the normal amount of retouching to the picture including smoothing out his wrinkles and bronzing his skin. Blair Bunting, the photographer who shot the cover, added, “When he took off his shirt, I was like, ‘This guy’s in shape for 47! It’s always easy for someone to cry ‘Photoshop,’ so I wasn’t too surprised by that…but he takes his shape seriously.”

The SANS PSHOP version looks a millions times better than the mess they ended up with. I mean, it looks like they slathered him in store brand barbecue sauce, roasted him in a backyard chimenea and threw a couple half-melted Hershey Kisses over his nipples before scooping his belly button out so that it looks like Tommy Girl’s post-orgy yes-yes hole. Actually, now that I put it that way I like the screwed with picture better. Well, who doesn’t want Hershey Kisses for nipples?

The Photoshop Awards: Bret Michaels On Billboard Magazine

This is some Photoshop of Love shit and the overachiever who airbrushed this mess gets the final backstage pass. I’m not saying that Bret Michaels doesn’t naturally have a body like a video game version of Jackie Warner, but that cover looks more like a ceiling fresco from John Travolta’s personal sauna.

via 411mania

Bret Michaels Is Back In The Hospital

Just one day after appearing on Oprah, Bret Michaels has once again found himself spreading his golden European weave across a hospital pillow after he suffered a warning stroke and doctors found a hole in his heart. Yes, Oprah and then a warning stroke. Related? Possibly. Maybe. Definitely. Yes.

This statement was released on Bret’s website today:

Bret Michaels was readmitted to the hospital this week after suffering numbness on the left side of his body, predominately his face and hands which doctors described as a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) or warning stroke. While MRI and CT scan tests were being conducted, Michaels also received a Doppler Ultrasound of his legs and lower abdomen looking for blood clots and most importantly an Ultrasound Bubble Test of his heart was conducted which proved positive for a Patent Forum Ovale (PFO), a hole in the heart. Dr. Zabramski (Bret’s neurosurgeon), Dr. Becker (who ordered the test), Dr. Cook (who conducted the test) and Dr. Frey (Director, Outpatient Stroke Program) all confirmed the results.

Dr. Zabramski states “There is no doubt that the positive Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) is devastating news to Bret and his family. The good news is that it is operable and treatable and we think we may have diagnosed the problem that caused the Transient Ischemic Attach (TIA) or warning stroke; however we feel it is highly unlikely this is connected to the brain hemorrhage he suffered just a few weeks earlier. Once again it is great that he quickly reacted to the severe numbness and got to the hospital immediately.”

Dr. Zabramski continues, “I realize Bret wants to make a full recovery so that he can be active with his family, attempt to attend the finale of Celebrity Apprentice and especially get back on the road to continue making music. Without a doubt he is very determined to get healthy and make a 100% recovery. Medically speaking it is a fantastic attitude both mentally and physically for him to have. However, Bret’s brain and body are not quite 100% yet, especially with the hole found in his heart. Further tests will be conducted throughout the week and I will have more information next week as to how this Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) will be treated. For now, Bret will be treated with outpatient care which includes a daily injection of Lovenox (a blood thinner to reduce the chance of blood clots) and blood tests.”

Bret’s rep said that he’s walking around and is in good spirits. Bret is hoping to make it to the live finale of Celebrity Apprentice this Sunday in NYC. Bret’s rep did not say if he was watching Busty Cop 3 at the time. Bret just needs to stay away from Busty Cops 3 from now on. That shit isn’t good for his health. Stick with Busty Cops 2.

Bret Michaels Is Out Of The Hospital

Do a Buttery Nipple shot out of your partner’s eager snatch, because Bret Michaels’ doctor announced today that he has been released from the hospital nearly two weeks after he suffered a brain hemorrhage. Dr. Joseph Zabramski wanted everyone to know that Bret is still busted up and down, but his condition is improving and he’s recuperating at an undisclosed location. I’m guessing the “undisclosed location” is one of the bigger rooms at the Bunny Ranch.

Dr. Zabramski had this to say: “Mr. Michaels was indeed a lucky person, a very lucky person. He’s improving and I expect him to continue to improve. I really expect that he will fortunately make a 100 percent recovery. He’s just one of those lucky people – 10 to 20 percent who make a complete recovery and can resume all of their normal activities.”

Dr. Zabramski does realize what that one of Bret’s “normal activities” is banging his head against a stripper’s thigh while she rides his shoulders?

And the beautiful swan on the right of Bret in the picture above is probably having the best day ever. Bitch probably dropped her two Big Gulps and gave double Shaka signs as soon as she heard the news.

via People

Another Update On Bret Michaels’ Health

It’s been over a week since Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage which landed his ass in a hospital in Arizona, but his doctor says that even though shit is still serious he hopes he will be well enough to compete with his fellow Celebrity Apprentice contestants in the live finale at the end of May. I hope he is, because I need to witness Bret Michaels and Cyndi Lauper trying to have a conversation with each other. It’s probably like watching aluminum foil spark in a microwave. Anyway, back to the serious talk!

Dr. Zabramski, Bret’s surgeon at the Neurological Institute at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix, had this to say yesterday:

“There is no doubt that Mr. Michaels’ condition is serious. He has an unbelievable fight in him and told me what kept him alive at the moment of the hemorrhage was that he did not want his family to wake up and see him lying unconscious in the middle of the floor. It was a combination of Bret’s fight to stay conscious during the hemorrhage and get to the emergency room, and the immediate medical attention provided by our staff at Barrow that enabled us to stabilize his condition.”

Dr. Zabramski will hold a press conference on Tuesday to talk more about Bret’s condition.

Unfortunately. Dr. Z did not give an update on Bret’s current weave situation. Hopefully, his weave is also eating the jello and getting enough fluids so that it can fully recover and gloriously return to bask in the headlights of the Rock of Love Skank Bus.

Bret Michaels Is In Stable Condition

Bret Michaels rep tells Radar that his condition has been changed from critical to stable. Don’t start filming your audition video for Rock of Love Hospital just yet, because Bret’s rep also said he suffered a minor setback today in his recovery from a brain hemorrhage. The doctors have diagnosed Bret with a side effect called hyponatremia that causes seizures. Bret’s rep said this to People:

“Michaels remains under 24-hour observation in the ICU and is in positive spirits. He is responding well to tests and treatments. Even though today was a minor setback, doctors remain hopeful for a full recovery.

Many people are speculating Michaels’s head injury suffered from a prop striking the singer at the Tony Awards last June is the cause. But for many patients with this condition, no cause is often found.

Coupled with the fact that Michaels is a lifelong Type 1 diabetic and has recently undergone emergency appendectomy surgery while on tour in San Antonio, he will remain monitored closely by his medical team to make sure no complications occur from the diabetes.

Doctors are hopeful that Bret will gradually improve as the blood surrounding the brain dissolves and is reabsorbed into his system, which can be a very painful recovery and take several weeks to months.”

Yes, but is Bret flirting with nurses, doctors, orderlies, janitors, candy stripers, fellow patients and his IV pole (hey, it’s a skinny bitch with two plastic bags on it)? If the answer is yes, then all will be fine in the world.

P.S. – I have no idea what he’s holding in that picture. A diaphragm covered with trail mix?