Sometimes you just want to do some karate chops, get naked wasted and eat some cornbread that your dog stole. Well, apparently to a certain store (WALMART!!), in a certain state (Wisconsin) you are not allowed to just LIVE your best Wisconsin Walmart life. In fact, if you do these things, your ass is getting arrested. At least that’s what happened to 46-year-old Lisa Smith and her 25-year-old son Benny Vann.
For a man who I’m sure has spent the better part of his life being called Colton Underwear, TV’s The Bachelor Colton Underwear (ok, Underwood) doesn’t know very much about his namesake. Colton recently appeared on a show called LadyGang (it’s not nearly as cool as it sounds, they do NOT have matching satin jackets) and received the shock of his life when he learned that women generally don’t throw their panties out every time they get their period. Upon hearing about period panties, Colton showed his ass by screaming “that is so gross!” and inadvertently let every one know he shits his pants on the regular by comparing the two. Apparently this has pissed some people off, but why are they surprised? His name is COLTON UNDERWOOD.
When the internet nearly exploded into a zillion megabytes last night over the news that Taylor Swift has finally gotten political, the Democratic Donkey and the Republican Elephant probably clenched their assholes an extra kind of tight in anticipation over what side she’d take. As pop stars like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Beyonce made it Windex-clear (although, Windex does leave streaks, don’t come at me Windexheads) that they were with Her during the 2016 U.S. presidential election, Taylor stayed pretty much quiet and was accused of only caring about one party: the Party of Taylor Swift’s MONAY! And when Taylor was hailed by the alt-right as their queen, she didn’t publicly denounce their asses and instead went after a writer who wrote about it. But because things have become an even bigger flaming turd, Taylor has broken her political silence and endorsed a Democrat.
Peta Murgatroyd–one of those professional twirlers from Dancing With The Stars–did a long-ass interview for Health and it is long. So that you don’t have to read through the whole thing and bore yourself with how effortless this dancing blonde girl’s life is, I did for you. And here is the highlight: her husband, fellow dancer Maksim Chmerkovski, doesn’t use soap.
Oh how I hate Duchess Meghan. At night, she gets to listen to the sound of her now royal vagine cooing out the chorus to Hallelujah as it rubs on Prince Hot Ginge’s ginger crotch scepter. And during the day, she gets to put on
an Ann Taylor LOFT a Givenchy ensemble for her “day job” where she gets to work events with THE QUEEN who definitely mutters shit like, “Fuck this bollocks arse bloody arse blooming dumb shite, I could be watching EastEnders while Philly sucks on mi toes,” through her gritted teeth as she puts on a manufactured smile for her loyal subjects. Duchess Meghan is living the life, but she jacked that up today. This is the biggest act of disrespect by an American against the crown since those New England settlers broke up with Britain. This is even worse, actually!
And yes, I should tell you in advance that this post was co-written by Bitter and Petty. (“Aren’t all your posts?” – you)