A Drunken Trace Adkins Got Into A Fight With A Trace Adkins Impersonator On A Cruise Ship

Here are two facts you’ll probably be surprised to learn:

1. On this planet, a Trace Adkins impersonator exists.

2. There was a country cruise to Jamaica and only ONE brawl happened on it. When you put a bunch of country fans on a boat full of booze, I expect it to be Halloween night at a Denny’s in Oakland every night.

TMZ says that Trace Adkins, who’s been sober for 12 years, was the headliner of a country cruise to Jamaica and on Monday he jumped off the wagon and put his fist in his impersonator’s face. A Trace Adkins impersonator was singing karaoke (please tell me he was singing a Trace Adkins song) in one of the bars on the ship when, for whatever reason, the real Trace Adkins attacked him. I was going to pray for video of real Trace and fake Trace fighting, but nothing will beat the image in my head. It’s like an extra large cup of 100 proof HAHAHAs. And naturally, when the ship got to Jamaica, Trace jumped off and checked his ass into rehab. I’m pretty sure the real Trace checked into rehab and not the fake Trace. But if it was the fake Trace, then all the other fake Traces out there better beware, because the real Trace is coming for them.

Trace’s rep spit out this statement to People:

“Trace has entered a treatment facility after a setback in his battle with alcoholism.As he faces these issues head-on, we ask that his family’s privacy will be respected.”

Well, the good news is that Trace doesn’t have to strain his brain while writing a messy country song about how he drunkenly beat himself up on a cruise ship to Jamaica, because that shit writes itself.

Lindsay Lohan Ordered A Beat Down On Parasite Hilton’s Little Brother

File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.

TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.

Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.

Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.

Donkey Sauce For Your Soul: Guy Fieri Gets Into A Slap Fight With His Hairdresser

This morning, I woke up to the most terrifying, horrific headline that made me almost let go of the empty bottle of red wine I spoon with and jump out of bed to rent a U-Haul, drive to Trader Joe’s and buy all the cases of Two-And-A-Half-Buck Chuck. The headline was:

Thirsty? There’s a global wine shortage

But then I came across another headline that instantly healed me and gave me a buzz. Who needs wine when you can get happy drunk on a video of Guy Fieri having a whiny, screechy, slap fight with his hair stylist.

TMZ says that the throbbing boil on an albino porcupine’s ass was boozing with his hairdresser Ariel Ramirez on a flight to San Francisco International Airport on Saturday. When they landed, they both got into an SUV and were about to drive home when for some reason, they got into a fight and took each other to SlapDown Town. There was drama! There was theater! There was slapping! There was screaming! There were tears! There was anguish!

That video is my new favorite pick-me-up. Ariel sounds exactly like a drunken 21-year-old me screaming at my boyfriend outside of a gay bar after accusing him of throwing sex eyes at another trick.

Eventually, Guy’s manager took a weeping Ariel home in a cab. A source tells TMZ that Ariel and Guy were just “dudes being dudes.” Guy told TMZ that it was just “a bunch of guys messing around. Things got a little out of hand, but they’re all good now.” Yeah, a good old-fashioned bro brawl IS a peroxide-headed TV cook having a slappy, scream fight with his personal hair stylist.

There’s so much to be said about this. It’s really hard for me to believe that a hairdresser gets paid to travel around the country with Guy and do that to his hair. I thought he bleached that mess himself and got his hair spiky like that by sticking a deep fried zesty mozzarella stick up his ass. But I am more than happy that Ariel travels with Guy, because if he didn’t, they never would’ve gotten into this lovers spat at the airport and it never would’ve been captured on camera. They really need their own reality show called Dudes Being Dudes.

And Guy must’ve been tanked, because if he was sober, he would’ve screamed, “Not the hair, bitch, not the hair,” as Ariel slapped at him.

The Difficult Brown Got Arrested For Being The Difficult Brown (UPDATE)

The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)

TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.

The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….

The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.

But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!

The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!

— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013

UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.

Sylvester Stallone Hates Bruce Willis

I live for two millionaire pepaws going at it and slapping the Werther’s Originals (with protein and whey, of course) out of each other’s mouths. Or in this case, one is doing the slapping while the other lazily rolls around in a California King bed made of cash as his child bride moisturizes his bald head with imported seahorse caviar.

Sylvester Stallone announced on Twitter today that Harrison Ford is replacing Bruce Willis in Expendables 3 (working title: Old Hot Bitches With Guns 3) and he scratched at Bruce’s bald head while doing so.

Sylvester Stallone’s spokeswhore told HuffPo that he did write the tweet and the tweet was about Bruce Willis, but they refused to say anything else.

I don’t know what Bruce Willis did to set Sylvester Stallone’s buff b-hole on fire. Bruce Willis has always been the epitome of a perfectly pleasant and amazingly generous co-worker. I’ve never EVER heard of him being a complete ass dingle to everyone he meets. My guess is that Bruce wanted more money and refused to lift a cement truck for 10 hours a day in the gym like Sly does. GREEDY and LAZY. Sylvester didn’t have to hire Harrison Ford, though. He could’ve just pulled out one of his mutant arm veins, fed it some more HGH, taught it a few words to say and made it the newest Expendables cast member.

And if you’re wondering why Harrison would do this shit. A check is a check and Claire’s isn’t lowering the price on their starter studs anytime soon.

Here’s Sly’s veins trying to wiggle out of his arms while he was on vacation in St. Tropez with his wife a couple of days ago.

Pics: Splash

Aaron Carter Got Beat Up By New Kids Fans For Being On The Wrong Turf

Not since the Sharks fan kicked the Jets down has there been a gang story as hard as this one. Aaron Carter let all of us know that wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt in Boston is like wearing red in Crips territory. You’re going to get beat. (Actually, wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt anywhere is going to get you beat, but wearing one in Boston will really get you beat.)

Aaron Carter posted a picture on his Instagram this past weekend of him with a busted eye and he says that he got it from four hardcore NKOTB fans who didn’t like him being in Boston. Aaron was in Boston over the weekend to play a show on Sunday night and he says that as he was leaving a restaurant on Saturday night, a grown dude came at him in the parking lot and said the most threatening words that have ever been said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.“A Chevy Malibu then pulled up (A CHEVY MALIBU!) and three other dudes jumped out. They popped the collars on their acid wash denim vests and chanted at Aaron, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top! Don’t cross our path, ’cause you’re gonna get stomped!” Then they knocked him out by doing the Hangin’ Touch dance in unison. At least, that’s how I picture it happening.

Aaron tells TMZ that as soon as the three other New Kids fans, who were all grown men, jumped out of the Chevy Malibu, they whooped his trick ass. Aaron said, “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”

Aaron performed in Boston anyway, because he’s hard like that. Aaron says he didn’t file a police report because that’s “girlie.” That’s right! Real men run to their hotel rooms and upload pictures of their bruises on Instagram.

I LOVE THIS STORY. If this story had a b-hole, I’d bone it. Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.

“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.