Category: Brangelina

In Other Words, The Saint Wants Everyone To STFU

December 2, 2010 / Posted by:

The Academy has already awarded St. Angie Jo with Best Director and Best Screenplay Oscars even though her movie hasn’t even finished filming, because they know that everything she touches turns into holy water-covered golden drops from heaven. But not everyone feels that way. There’s been some whispering that St. Angie’s movie is about a Bosnian rape victim who falls in love with her attacker. Awkward.

Some Bosnian rape victims think St. Angie has an “ignorant attitude towards victims” and knows almost nothing about the ethnic conflict. They have thrown hate at St. Angie’s halo in the form of a letter to the UN asking for her to be stripped of her goodwill ambassador title. While promoting that Tourist movie in Paris last night, Angie put on her all-knowing GOD VOICE (aka spoke into a voice changer set to “Morgan Freeman“) and defended her movie:

“There’s one person who has a gripe. The absolute majority of the people, population, the cast, prime minister, president have been extremely supportive.”

Angie asked everyone to stop throwing heads of lettuce at her until they have seen the movie. FYI: Angie uses those heads of lettuce to make a salad to give to starving orphans who are a breath away from checking into her wing up in heaven. Yup, Angie turns hate into loooove.

But seriously, I love how she said “one person” has a gripe. ANGIE, the glow from your halo is fucking with your eyesight! It’s a group of Bosnian woman! A group usually means more than one. But I see what that shifty saint did there. Angie is trying to insinuate that the letter was written on Cathy stationary and covered with cat hair and dried up lonely tears. Angie probably thinks that the letter started with: “Dear UN, What that skank trollop Angie is doing to Bosnia is really uncool….” Nice try, Angie!

Who Cares About Brangelina! Leslie Was There!

November 29, 2010 / Posted by:

It doesn’t matter that I have no idea who this exquisite Leslie (no last name) creature is. Leslie could be a one-hit French pop star who now earns her mortgage singing jingles for Carrefour and once got caught giving a married politician a hand job in the back of a porn theater. Leslie could also be Jaye Davidson’s half-sister who stars in Rent the Musical as both Mimi (Tues. – Fri.) AND Angel (weekends only). Or she could be Sheree in a vintage Taylor Dayne wig. It will never matter to me.

Everything I need to know about this goddess she left on the carpet at the Megamind premiere in Paris tonight. LE FACE! LE POSE! LE EARRINGS! LE CATSUIT! LE EVERYTHING!

If Leslie is not giving you life, slap yourself and try again. If that still doesn’t do it for you, then here’s a few pictures of Brad Pitt (who is letting the goat peek out a bit) and St. Angie. Brad is really working hard to embarrass himself. I mean, wearing baggy leather pants around international legend and style icon LESLIE?!

And no, I really don’t know who Leslie is and don’t tell me! The mystery keeps the tingles tingling.

Pax’s 7th Birthday Party Was Better Than Yours

November 29, 2010 / Posted by:

Hmm. On second thought, let me rethink that title. For my 7th birthday party, my abuelita slapped my hands for kicking one of my cousins down the slide (Well, bitch wouldn’t move her ass!), one of my gifts was She-Ra’s Castle and I spent most of the day wondering why I didn’t get all Donald Duck-ey in the voice after sucking the air out of my balloons (CHILD GENIUS ALERT: the balloons weren’t blown up with helium). So that was my 7th birthday party.

Pax spent his on a boat in Paris watching St. Angie slurp on a goblet filled with warm sacrificial blood while listening to his dad yammer for hours about buildings, or some shit. Maddox and Zahara already chewed up all the Dramamine, so Pax had to go it sober. Yeah, maybe the point goes to me after all.

BUT WAIT, are those NILLA WAFERS around Pax’s cake?! Okay, let me pass the point back to Pax. Damn. Damn. Damn.

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BEHOLD, The New Temple Of Saint Angie

November 26, 2010 / Posted by:

The front of the temple at Ta Prohm in Cambodia looks like it’s covered in the same veins that wrap around the claws St. Angie Jo uses to hold down the virgins she’s about to feed from, so it’s only fitting that they refer to is as the Angelina Jolie Temple from now on. The Guardian had this to say about this made-up ridiculousness:

Angelina Jolie may not have charmed all the locals at her most recent filming location but the people of Cambodia, where she shot Lara Croft: Tomb Raider in 2000, are said to have renamed a temple after her.

Rajan Zed, the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism, told the WENN news agency that the star is so beloved in Cambodia a world-famous Hindu religious site in Angkor has been renamed the “Angelina Jolie Temple”.

“It’s a 12th-century site called Ta Prohm; it is otherwise known as Old Brahma and was initially named Rajavihara or the royal monastery,” he said. “Now it’s popularly called the Angelina Jolie Temple.”

Just like that, a thousand hardcore Brangeloonies just jumped from the Brangeloonie shrine set up next to their dryer in the basement and ran to call Spirit Air (the official airline of Brangeloonies) to book the next flight to Cambodia! Sorry, children of Brangeloonies, Christmas is canceled this year. In fact, there’s a good chance that your Brangeloonie of a mother is going to try to sell you on eBay to raise money for her trip to the HOLY LAND! Maybe Jennifer Aniston will pull a BUY IT NOW for your ass. Now that’ll be some shit.

But in all seriousness, Cambodia’s tourism board is crazy for this one! They are crazy because if anybody deserves a place of worship over there it’s MADDOX! They better get their facts straight and try again.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

St. Angie Hates Thanksgiving

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

Popeater says that this Thanksgiving, St. Angie will gather her child army in a circle and recite Christina Ricci’s “thanks for letting all us white people kill the Indians and steal their tribal land” speech from The Ice Storm instead of giving them a turkey dinner. Brad Pitt might have told Extra that his family is going to “whip up a turkey” somewhere, but Popeater’s sources say that St. Angie wants nothing to do with it! So take off that pilgrim costume and pull the chosen ones out of that cornucopia, Maddox, because Thanksgiving is CANCELED!

One of Brangelina’s friends explain, “Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans. To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style. She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder. Angelina gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday.”

But that know-it-all bitch Wikipedia tells me that the reason why I shove my head in a bowl of cranberries and rinse out my face with pumpkin pie vodka is because it’s how I give thanks for a bountiful liquor cabinet, or something like that.

But really, the real reason St. Angie hates Thanksgiving is because she doesn’t appreciate everybody at the table screaming “Pass the mashed potatoes, gravy, pie, biscuits, yams, buttermilk to ANGIE!!!” And she also doesn’t appreciate her kids throwing her judgmental side-eyes when she feasts on wisps of air while they devour turkey legs. So if Maddox keeps his eyes down, Thanksgiving will be restored again!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

November 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Star Magazine has grappled up to another spot on the mountain of infinite fuckery with this “The Princess & The Tomboy” cover starring Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. According to them, Suri is a spoiled snowfake who never gets told “NO” and gets to eat cupcakes whenever she wants. And on the other side, Shiloh wants a dead animal zoo and decapitated all of Zahara’s dolls one day. Basically, Star is trying to tell us that in about 20 years, Suri and Shiloh will star in a remake of Big Business.

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