Seen above giving off terrifying “Heeeeere’s Jimmy!” vibes in 2004, James Haven has reportedly been helping his sister Angelina Jolie with her 6 children as she deals with divorcing Brad Pitt. Uncle Stains is apparently at Angie’s rental house in Malibu every single day. The windows of that Malibu house must reach the edge of shattering when all 6 kids simultaneously scream, “Mom! Uncle! Gross,” after seeing Angie and James sloppily suck face.
The latest leg of Melissa Etheridge’s “Angelina Jolie Is A Nasty Demon Cuntress Tour” made a stop on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and she debuted a brand new song that I’m sure will soon be #1 on Angelina Jolie’s iTunes playlist. Melissa was on Andy’s SiriusXM radio show on Monday and she said that the allegations that her old friend Brad Pitt went crazy on Maddox are “completely unfounded” and she accused Team St. Angie of leaking fake stories to the media. Melissa also brought up how during Angie’s BBP (Before Brad Pitt) days, she and Billy Bob Thornton acted real nasty toward Laura Dern. On WWHL last night, Melissa said that Team St. Angie went after her about the things she said and she responded to them with a lil’ diddy!
Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.
TMZ claims that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to a temporary custody agreement that will stay in place as they shank at each other in a lawyer’s office conference room while trying to work out a permanent agreement. The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services, who are still investigating Brad’s alleged drunken meltdown on a jet, handed over their recommendations and gave Angie and Brad two options: take it or Crisco up their mugs and battle it out in court. They took it.
People reports that Angelina Jolie is not at all fucking around and has hired Judy Smith to help clean up the splatters that landed on her image when her marriage exploded in front of everyone. Judy Smith is a fixer who inspired Shonda Rhimes to create Scandal and the character of Olivia Pope. Because St. Angie hired the real-life Olivia Pope, it looks like she may be trying to get a job with the United Nations, and in a few months, she’ll have that gig as Brad Pitt sits in a prison cell after a dead hooker is found in the trunk of his car! And if St. Angie is trying to hide something, it’ll stay forever hidden! I don’t watch Scandal (I know, I have terrible taste), but I do watch Ray Donovan and I’m assuming that Olivia Pope is kind of like Ray. And “dead hooker in the car trunk” is a total Ray Donovan move.
Just like how Bloody Mary is supposed to appear in the mirror if you say her name three times or a lawyer shows up to your house if you piss off Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston’s name is likely to get dragged up when someone types the words “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting a divorce.” Even though Jennifer Aniston hasn’t really had much to do with Brad Pitt since getting him to sign divorce papers eleven years ago, some people still want to know what she thinks about the news that her cheater ex-husband and the tomb wrecker are splitting up. Jenny hasn’t said anything publicly, but some of her nearest and dearest have. Much like Justin Theroux, Courteney Cox thinks you should be leaving Jennifer Aniston’s name out of it.