Less than two weeks ago, Bradley Cooper was seen mouth humping on Suki Waterhouse at Coachella, but the on-again portion of their on-again off-again relationship might actually be the off-again again, because Page Six is saying that on Wednesday night he was spotted on a date with Cristiano Ronaldo’s former piece and slutty couture enthusiast Irina Shayk. Damn, Bradley Cooper works fast! (“Yeah…Bradley Cooper…” thinks Bradley Cooper’s PR people).
A “source” says Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers (never forget) and Irina know each other through mutual friends, and have been hanging out for about a week. Last night they went to see Finding Neverland on Broadway. The source doesn’t say, but I choose to believe they also made their butt holes beg for mercy by having dinner at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, because a Broadway date isn’t a Broadway date unless you spend 2/3 of the show uncomfortably shifting around in your seat trying to hold in a fart.
Irina Shayk is a perfect match for Bradley Cooper: she’s 29-years-old (under 30 – check), a Sports Illustrated model (model – check), and she dated Cristiano Ronaldo for 5 years (minimum 3 years on-the-job experience with mirror-obsessed pretty boys – check).
The only problem is that hair; IT’S TOO GORGEOUS. You know Bradley Cooper is the type who has to have the best hair in the relationship (which might explain why Suki always looked like a bunch of teenage rats had a slumber party in hers), so I’m not sure I see this ending well. Maybe they’ll work something out during contract negotiations, like a serum ban or something.
And speaking of Broadway, here’s Bradley Cooper strolling around NYC with Broadway superstar Sienna Miller on Tuesday.
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Last month, Suki Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper’s publicists did the slow wall slide of sadness when contract renegotiations broke down and the two went their separate ways. Apparently, Suki and B. Coop broke up, because their age difference became a problem and he didn’t feel like she was supporting his career. In Suki’s defense, she’s a fetus, so of course B. Coop’s career gave her the yawns. If he wanted her to care about his career, he’d do projects that would interest her like a puppet show or like a guest voice appearance on SpongeBob. It’s not her fault she’s not entertained by his boring grown people movies. So Suki and B. Coop quit each other, but well, never underestimate the power of a determined publicist who does not want to spend their time finding their client a new contract girlfriend. Because B. Coop and his fetus friend are back together!
Page Six says B.Coop and Suki went to Coochella together where they “got cozy” in front of wiener stand and touched tongues backstage.
A witness told us they saw Cooper and Waterhouse “making out at Coachella backstage during [rock band] Interpol’s set.” They were also seen looking cozy together while lining up for food, and reportedly dined together in Los Angeles on Thursday before heading to Coachella.
B. Coop truly had the greatest weekend ever. He got his photo-op partner back AND he finally won an award for American Sniper. B. Coop won Best Male Performance at the MTV Movie Awards last night. Yeah, he probably won that award, because he’s the only one who agreed to show up, but who cares. Let’s just pretend he was rightfully recognized for his achievement in acting with fake babies and working the hell out of shorty shorts.
Here’s more crystal clear, Hi-Res pictures of B. Coop and Suki hanging out with Clint Eastwood at Coachella. Either Clint Eastwood has officially lost his mind or he was dragged to that dusty hipster hell fest by an evil motherfucker who should really be charged with elder abuse. I don’t know what’s more confusing: Clint Eastwood being at Coachella or the teeny tiny struggle bun on B. Coop’s head.
My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.
A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)
The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.
According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.
On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!
But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.
I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:
Jennifer Lawrence Says The Key To A Good Working Relationship With Bradley Cooper Is Not Having Sex With Him
According to a statistic I just made up, when two single famous types film a movie together, there is a 99% chance they will eventually get a major case of the horn-horns and start boning. However, Jennifer Lawrence – who has made three movies with Bradley Cooper – recently admitted during the premiere of their latest film Serena on Saturday that the secret to their working relationship is “No sex.” Well, no duh – how the hell are you supposed to initiate sex with B.Coop when he spends all his down time between takes smizing at himself in a hand-held mirror?
Even though they’re not humping and probably never will, she did confess that she considers Bradley Cooper to be her work husband, while he admitted she’s his work wife. I’ve never had a work husband, so I have no idea what that means. I’m going to assume it means they’ve definitely had a fight that involves one of them accusing the other of infecting their laptop with viruses from shady porn sites while taking a dump with the door open. If that’s true, then being pretend work married sounds awful! At least with real married you get the option of fucking.
But unlike their first two movies, Dancing with the Screams and American Wigs, Serena probably isn’t going to grab any Oscar nominations for JLaw and B.Coop because it’s going straight to the V.O.D. graveyard. Speaking of V.O.D, JLaw proved she’s still after that America’s Rillest Girlfriend crown (it’s a bunch of onion rings all daisy chained together with a giant McNugget jewel stuck to the front with BBQ sauce) by admitting to Vanity Fair that she didn’t know what V.O.D. was, and that she thought it was some kind of disease. V.O.D. totally sounds like something you get from fucking a dirty vending machine.
Here’s more of work husband and wife Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence leaving the premiere of their V.O.D. masterpiece Serena in NYC on Saturday night.
Today in “failed contract renegotiations,” Bradley Cooper has decided that he’s done with fetus-aged model Suki Waterhouse being his plus one at events and co-starring with him in staged photo shoots. Both E! and People say that after two years together, B.Coop has taken a Norelco shaver to Sookeh. Oh well, at least we’ll always have those totally natural and not-at-all choreographed pictures of B. Coop teaching Suki how to read Lolita while lying under a tree together. People says that B. Coop and Suki broke up in January:
The couple ended their relationship before the Oscars in January but remained friends and attended the award show together, the source says. They were even spotted dining at Nobu Malibu with another pal the next night, though an onlooker says they didn’t seem affectionate during the meal.
In their defense, they probably weren’t affectionate, because cameras weren’t around and who wants to “canoodle” during a meal? I always throw a side-eye of judgement at couples who hold hands while eating and kiss between bites. Freaks! When I’m at dinner, I need both hands to cut the steak and I need my mouth to eat the cut-up steak. Nobody’s got time for “canoodling” when food is involved. But if I want to get affectionate during dinner, I will give my date a quick foot job under the table. That’s what normals do!
A quick minute ago, UsWeekly said that Suki was “itching” to get engaged (Um, is she sure she didn’t have crabs?) and was “warming up” to the idea of marriage. That’s where Suki went wrong. She probably dropped too many hints and it scared. B. Coop away. She should’ve waited patiently until B. Coop told his manager to tell her manager that he’s ready to upgrade their contract. B. Coop is probably traditional like that.
But whatever, Suki doesn’t need B. Coop! Here she is at the NYC premiere of Insurgent giving you:“I’m single and ready to mingle…with Tom Cruise’s people, because I’m looking for a new contract.”
The 90s better watch out, because even though they’re hot shit right now, the return of Bennifer can only mean one thing: that the ’00s are creeping up behind the 90s and are getting ready to yank its wig off. If you’re more ant than grasshopper, now would be the time to pull out your slutty flared-leg dirty denim jeans with the lace-up crotch and/or stiletto Timberlands.
During a commercial break at the Oscars on Sunday night, ABC News (via E!) says that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck had a mini Bennifer reunion that involved lots of whispering. After the presentation of the award for Best Documentary Feature, JLo’s former butt rubber walked over to where she was sitting in the front row, leaned over, and whispered something in her ear. JLo then reportedly “playfully smacked his arm.” A playful arm smack? If Auntie Nelda was a real person, this would be where she’d look up from her glasses and hiss “Keep your hands to yourself, you home-wrecking slap-having hussy tramp.”
Ben Affleck then reportedly moved his whisper game on to Bradley Cooper who, unlike JLo, didn’t respond with a playful smack on the arm. Huh, that’s weird – B. Coop has always struck me as a light-hearted “Oh YOU” playful slap type.
But what the hell was Ben Affleck whispering? I’m going to guess he whispered “I got a bunch of Gigli DVDs in my garage if you want ‘em” to JLo and “That was some primo acting you did with that fake baby in American Sniper – I legit believed it was a real baby” to B. Coop. Then he returned back up the aisle to JLo and whispered “No really, my wife says I need to get rid of them. Can I swing by your house later tonight with the first round of boxes?“
I know, I know. It’s slow today and besides, this is an extremely important and highly relevant update about the biggest star in America today: the fake baby from American Sniper!
In my post yesterday about the breakout star of American Sniper, the low-budget Dollar Tree baby doll, I said that Clint Eastwood used a creepy prop baby, because he likes to direct really fast and a screaming, slobbering and farting human baby would hold him up. That’s not the truth, according to American Sniper’s screenwriter. In a tweet (which has since been deleted), Jason Hall said that they tried to give the job to a real, living and breathing human baby, but it didn’t work out, because babies either have the sicks or are flaky lazies. When journalist Mark Harris joked about the cheap ass plastic baby, Jason burped this up:
@MarkHarrisNYC hate to ruin the fun but real baby #1 showed up with a fever. Real baby #2 was no show. (Clint voice) Gimme the doll, kid.
I bet that irresponsible, lazy, rude baby is hating life right now (cut to the baby, now a 2 year old, laughing as it discovers it can fart). That prop baby has probably already signed to WME, got a 4 picture deal which includes the starring role in a big-screen version of Talking Tina and has replaced fellow hollowed out empty vessel Kristen Stewart as the new face of Balenciaga. This will teach the irresponsible babies of this country that they have to stop being flaky and lazy or they will lose their jobs to plastic baby dolls. But really, I’m surprised that Clint Eastwood didn’t make Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller go full Clint Eastwood by acting with an invisible baby. It really would’ve added extra layers of mystery and drama to this hilarious scene:
And that doll on the shelf in the first few seconds… Is that what her legs look like or did the prop department not have another doll handy so they made one out of pink dildos?
Every 55 minutes? What a lightweight. I’m shoving food in my mouth at least every 19 minutes. During an interview with People, the writer/producer of the film American Sniper Jason Hall spilled the beans on Bradley Cooper’s method for getting all thick and bulky in preparation for his role as a U.S. Navy SEAL sniper. According to Hall, B.Coop consumed about 8,000 calories a day by stuffing his face with food every 55 minutes. To put that in perspective, that’s like eating three Doritos Locos tacos every hour, all day long. Exactly, it sounds like a dream and when can I start. But Hall says it wasn’t just mouth fucking piles of Pop-Tarts; B.Coop was also busting his ass at the gym. Ugh, I knew there had to be a catch.
“Bradley used his own trainer, who was busting on him. I think he was working out four hours a day for several months. He was determined to do it naturally, he didn’t want to use any hormones or steroids or anything. He was just very systematic about it and took his trainer with him wherever he went.”
I know Bradley Cooper is a ~serious~ actor now (the ghost of Wedding Crashers Bradley Cooper just got very sad) and that gaining 40lbs of muscle will surely win him that Oscar he dreams about every night, but that seems like an awful lot of work. I don’t understand why Clint Eastwood didn’t just pick up an XL Spider-Man muscle suit at Toys R Us while he was there buying that baby doll. I’m sure he could have doubled-up and gotten a really good deal. Oldies love a good deal.
But before we get into it, will somebody track down that prop baby’s agent and give them the number to a good fake baby plastic surgeon. Because that kid’s butt implant is slipping and it should use some of its American Sniper money to get that situation fixed.
I haven’t seen American Sniper yet, because I have a hard time getting into war movies and my idea of a good military movie is Private Benjamin. Besides, in American Sniper’s trailer, Sienna Miller cries into a phone and she does the same thing in Foxcatcher. A trick can only take so much of Sienna Miller crying into a phone. But I may force myself to see American Sniper so I can take in the brilliant and riveting performance of the fake, plastic baby (who I’m guessing is Chuckesmee’s little sister).
Seth Rogen’s favorite movie has made $134 million worldwide so far and all the credit for that movie’s success goes to the fake baby who delivered an emotionally raw and multi-layered performance as Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller’s kid. Not since Beyonce’s pillow bump and Kristen Stewart has an inanimate object delivered such a scene-stealing performance! Apparently, some people who have seen the movie are complaining about how cheap and fake the baby looks. It almost ruined the entire movie for them.
They don’t even use an animatronic baby. B. Coop had to move it with his fingers. The other hos in the Best Actor race can pack it up and go home, because that trophy belongs to B. Coop. Did Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne and the other nominees move a baby doll’s hand with their finger while keeping a serious face? I think not. THIS IS ACTING! THIS IS SKILL!
Anne Thompson, a film columnist, tells USA Today that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby, because he likes to shoot fast and he doesn’t have time for a real baby and its real baby problems:
“Basically, film professionals know that Eastwood likes to move fast on movie sets and recognize that he took the easy and less expensive route of using a fake baby — not even animatronic — that Cooper had to move himself to make it look lifelike!”
Also, Clint doesn’t like to use babies, because he wants be the only one on set who babbles incoherently.
And in related news, Pimp Mama Kris has announced that she’s starting a petition to get American Sniper stripped of its Oscar nominations and pulled from theaters. It is a sad day in Hollywood when fake babies are taking jobs away from human babies. If this becomes a trend and fake babies are hired over real babies, what are pimp moms and dads going to do for money?!