“A Star Is Born” Is Heading Back To Theaters And Lady Gaga Insists She’s Not Really In Love With Bradley Cooper
I saw on the news this morning that Bradley Cooper popped his furry rodent face out of the ground, saw his shadow, grumbled incoherently and dove back down. Which I guess means we can expect at least another 6 weeks of having A Star Is Born shoved down our throats. ASIB is getting a theatrical re-release, and this time it’s going to be even longer.
According to Huffington Post, 12 minutes of new footage has been added, probably at the end where *SPOILER ALERT* Sam Elliott’s mustache jumps off his face and runs to the garage to replace the rope Jackson has tied around his neck. Sam’s ‘stache gently unfurls, leaving Jackson disoriented but alive, so they can make a sequel. I’m already organizing a 2020 Oscar campaign: Mustache for Best Supporting Actor.
I can’t believe it’s been nearly three years since Lady Gaga split up with my only reason to watch NBC: Chicago Fire panty dropper Taylor Kinney. Gaga and Taylor tried to make it seem like it was all just bad timing and that they’re really good friends who support each other through thick and thin, y’all! Alas, Taylor may have just proven he’s as much of a bitter, petty ex as the rest of us.
Yesterday everyone was reminded of Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper’s quick grits marriage from over a decade ago after she commented on a post by David Spade in reference to Bradley’s performance of Shallow with Lady Gaga at the Oscars. David said that they’re obviously fucking and Jennifer responded with HA. I guess that pissed some people off, and now Jennifer is answering back with an over 3 minute long response.
While watching the Oscars on Sunday night two things crossed my mind. 1) Lady Gaga looks orange as hell. 2) Bradley Cooper and Gaga are really selling the “are they or aren’t they fucking?” thing. It’s a publicity stunt, but everyone is talking about it. Including Bradley’s ex-wife Jennifer Esposito who has her own thoughts.
Look, we all knew Lady Gaga was going to be extra as hell last night. And praise Jeebus, she did not disappoint. From her emotionally overwrought yet ultimately trite acceptance speech for Best Original Song, to her bold choice to bring a Glidden paint swatch in Tangerine Dream to her stylist and say “match this”, Lady Gaga was doing the most, to say the least. So of course, when her BIG MOMENT came, and she and Bradley Cooper took to the stage to perform Shallow, she took the performance to the next level. I should say “they”, but I think we all know who was really “directing”. There were lingering stares, there were orgasmic undulations, and by the end, there was intimate canoodling which some people thought was TOO HOT FOR NETWORK TV AND DISRESPECTFUL TO BRADLEY’S GIRLFRIEND. Well, that’s what Mel B thought at least. Yes, that Mel B.
The Gagabot 3000’s mission won’t be complete until it either wins an Academy Award for its stirring performance as Human Woman In Love, or fries its circuits in front of an audience of thousands (if we’re being generous) when it ultimately loses to Glenn Close. But it’s already achieved one important step in its mission to achieve Global Domination, it’s rendered me susceptible to its star signal Shallow. I resisted it at first, but repetition is a son of a bitch, and now it’s an earworm I’ll probably have to live with for at least the next 5 years.
Thankfully, it’s been popular for long enough now that it’s getting covered by singers other than Gagabot 3000 and its maker Bradley Cooper. Enter real life, flesh and blood human woman Kelly Clarkson, who covered Shallow at a gig all by herself, rendering poor Bradley even more superfluous than his monstrous creation has.