Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…
Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.
Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.
How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.
When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.
Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.
That’s still $10 million more than I thought it would make.
Aloha (aka that shitty-looking Cameron Crowe movie that Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams probably only did because they wanted to live in Hawaii for a few months) was the sinking turd of the box office this weekend. Aloha cost $37 million and it brought in only $10 million. This is pretty much the opposite of shocking since Sony barely did any promo for it and during the whole Sony Hack mess, Amy Pascal made it clear in several emails that Aloha makes about as much sense as a metal spiked dildo and is “ridiculous.” They should’ve known that Aloha wouldn’t end well as soon as Emma Stone was cast as a woman named Allison Ng who is a quarter Hawaiian, a quarter Chinese and a quarter Swedish. The Swedish part must have eaten the Chinese and Hawaiian parts.
Aloha came in 6th at the US box office this weekend. This is what the top 10 looked like:
1. San Andreas – $53.2 million
2. Pitch Perfect 2 – $14.4 million
3. Tomorrowland – $14 million
4. Mad Max: Fury Road – $13.6 million
5. Avengers: Age of Ultron – $11 milion
6. Aloha – $10 million
7. Poltergeist – $7.8 million
8. Far from the Madding Crowd – $1.4 million
9. Hot Pursuit – $1.37 million
10. Home – $1.2 million
I almost went to see Aloha yesterday, because I love a good piece of trash, but I cherish the tiny piece of dignity I have left (haha, like I have any dignity left) and knew it would disappear as soon as I said the words: “One for Aloha please!” So I went to see San Andreas instead and spent most of the movie thinking that The Rock should really take that helicopter to the Maury show, because Laurie Lewis from All My Children playing his and Carla Gugino’s daughter doesn’t really make sense in the genetics department.
But I am looking forward to watching Aloha when it eventually makes its basic cable debut on Lifetime (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next week), because reviews like this one sold me:
“Aloha isn’t horrible, but it does have a pitiable odor about it, like a dog that’s sat too long on the beach.”
Shortly before Bradley Cooper made an appearance on Good Morning America this morning to talk about bone marrow donation, Page Six says that he might have been trying to donate his boner to Irina Shayk (don’t get up; I’ll show myself out for that one). Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have been maybe-dating for the past couple of weeks, but I guess their PR people decided it was time to take whatever they’re doing to the next level. “Sources” (8 of Bradley Cooper’s most gossipy eyebrow stylists) tell Page Six that B.Coop and I.Shayk spent the majority of Rihanna’s Met Gala afterparty making out in a dark corner. Ooooh, how middle school dance of them! I wonder if any of the adults told them to keep it Bible-width apart?
Bradley and Irina both went to the Met Gala, but not together. They met up later on at RiRi’s. They hung out with a group of their friends, which included Kerry Washington, the Winklevoss Twins, and Leonardo DiCaprio, but eventually snuck off to the “karaoke room” to mouth hump on each other.
One source claims they were making out till about 3 or 4 in the morning. No word on whether or not they left together. If you really want to see what Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk looks like, the Daily Mail has some pictures that look like they were taken with a busted Motorola Razr.
I see what was going on there. All that making out was just Bradley Cooper’s way of keeping Leonardo DiCaprio from poaching his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend. Smart move to sneak off to the “karaoke room“; when Leo gets his horny party hobo on, his movement is pretty much limited to just drinking, popping boners, and heavy breathing. Bradley clearly knew that Jack Nicholson Jr. would be far too lethargic to follow them into a room that would require him to stand upright and sing.
Here’s Bradley Cooper at GMA this morning swabbing his mouth for a bone marrow test. Speaking of light speed, I’m sure it took all of 0.003 seconds before the first pic below was Photoshopped into some next-level lewdness.
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash/INF
Less than two weeks ago, Bradley Cooper was seen mouth humping on Suki Waterhouse at Coachella, but the on-again portion of their on-again off-again relationship might actually be the off-again again, because Page Six is saying that on Wednesday night he was spotted on a date with Cristiano Ronaldo’s former piece and slutty couture enthusiast Irina Shayk. Damn, Bradley Cooper works fast! (“Yeah…Bradley Cooper…” thinks Bradley Cooper’s PR people).
A “source” says Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers (never forget) and Irina know each other through mutual friends, and have been hanging out for about a week. Last night they went to see Finding Neverland on Broadway. The source doesn’t say, but I choose to believe they also made their butt holes beg for mercy by having dinner at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, because a Broadway date isn’t a Broadway date unless you spend 2/3 of the show uncomfortably shifting around in your seat trying to hold in a fart.
Irina Shayk is a perfect match for Bradley Cooper: she’s 29-years-old (under 30 – check), a Sports Illustrated model (model – check), and she dated Cristiano Ronaldo for 5 years (minimum 3 years on-the-job experience with mirror-obsessed pretty boys – check).
The only problem is that hair; IT’S TOO GORGEOUS. You know Bradley Cooper is the type who has to have the best hair in the relationship (which might explain why Suki always looked like a bunch of teenage rats had a slumber party in hers), so I’m not sure I see this ending well. Maybe they’ll work something out during contract negotiations, like a serum ban or something.
And speaking of Broadway, here’s Bradley Cooper strolling around NYC with Broadway superstar Sienna Miller on Tuesday.
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Last month, Suki Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper’s publicists did the slow wall slide of sadness when contract renegotiations broke down and the two went their separate ways. Apparently, Suki and B. Coop broke up, because their age difference became a problem and he didn’t feel like she was supporting his career. In Suki’s defense, she’s a fetus, so of course B. Coop’s career gave her the yawns. If he wanted her to care about his career, he’d do projects that would interest her like a puppet show or like a guest voice appearance on SpongeBob. It’s not her fault she’s not entertained by his boring grown people movies. So Suki and B. Coop quit each other, but well, never underestimate the power of a determined publicist who does not want to spend their time finding their client a new contract girlfriend. Because B. Coop and his fetus friend are back together!
Page Six says B.Coop and Suki went to Coochella together where they “got cozy” in front of wiener stand and touched tongues backstage.
A witness told us they saw Cooper and Waterhouse “making out at Coachella backstage during [rock band] Interpol’s set.” They were also seen looking cozy together while lining up for food, and reportedly dined together in Los Angeles on Thursday before heading to Coachella.
B. Coop truly had the greatest weekend ever. He got his photo-op partner back AND he finally won an award for American Sniper. B. Coop won Best Male Performance at the MTV Movie Awards last night. Yeah, he probably won that award, because he’s the only one who agreed to show up, but who cares. Let’s just pretend he was rightfully recognized for his achievement in acting with fake babies and working the hell out of shorty shorts.
Here’s more crystal clear, Hi-Res pictures of B. Coop and Suki hanging out with Clint Eastwood at Coachella. Either Clint Eastwood has officially lost his mind or he was dragged to that dusty hipster hell fest by an evil motherfucker who should really be charged with elder abuse. I don’t know what’s more confusing: Clint Eastwood being at Coachella or the teeny tiny struggle bun on B. Coop’s head.
My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.
A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)
The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.
According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.
On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!
But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.
I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:
Jennifer Lawrence Says The Key To A Good Working Relationship With Bradley Cooper Is Not Having Sex With Him
According to a statistic I just made up, when two single famous types film a movie together, there is a 99% chance they will eventually get a major case of the horn-horns and start boning. However, Jennifer Lawrence – who has made three movies with Bradley Cooper – recently admitted during the premiere of their latest film Serena on Saturday that the secret to their working relationship is “No sex.” Well, no duh – how the hell are you supposed to initiate sex with B.Coop when he spends all his down time between takes smizing at himself in a hand-held mirror?
Even though they’re not humping and probably never will, she did confess that she considers Bradley Cooper to be her work husband, while he admitted she’s his work wife. I’ve never had a work husband, so I have no idea what that means. I’m going to assume it means they’ve definitely had a fight that involves one of them accusing the other of infecting their laptop with viruses from shady porn sites while taking a dump with the door open. If that’s true, then being pretend work married sounds awful! At least with real married you get the option of fucking.
But unlike their first two movies, Dancing with the Screams and American Wigs, Serena probably isn’t going to grab any Oscar nominations for JLaw and B.Coop because it’s going straight to the V.O.D. graveyard. Speaking of V.O.D, JLaw proved she’s still after that America’s Rillest Girlfriend crown (it’s a bunch of onion rings all daisy chained together with a giant McNugget jewel stuck to the front with BBQ sauce) by admitting to Vanity Fair that she didn’t know what V.O.D. was, and that she thought it was some kind of disease. V.O.D. totally sounds like something you get from fucking a dirty vending machine.
Here’s more of work husband and wife Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence leaving the premiere of their V.O.D. masterpiece Serena in NYC on Saturday night.
Today in “failed contract renegotiations,” Bradley Cooper has decided that he’s done with fetus-aged model Suki Waterhouse being his plus one at events and co-starring with him in staged photo shoots. Both E! and People say that after two years together, B.Coop has taken a Norelco shaver to Sookeh. Oh well, at least we’ll always have those totally natural and not-at-all choreographed pictures of B. Coop teaching Suki how to read Lolita while lying under a tree together. People says that B. Coop and Suki broke up in January:
The couple ended their relationship before the Oscars in January but remained friends and attended the award show together, the source says. They were even spotted dining at Nobu Malibu with another pal the next night, though an onlooker says they didn’t seem affectionate during the meal.
In their defense, they probably weren’t affectionate, because cameras weren’t around and who wants to “canoodle” during a meal? I always throw a side-eye of judgement at couples who hold hands while eating and kiss between bites. Freaks! When I’m at dinner, I need both hands to cut the steak and I need my mouth to eat the cut-up steak. Nobody’s got time for “canoodling” when food is involved. But if I want to get affectionate during dinner, I will give my date a quick foot job under the table. That’s what normals do!
A quick minute ago, UsWeekly said that Suki was “itching” to get engaged (Um, is she sure she didn’t have crabs?) and was “warming up” to the idea of marriage. That’s where Suki went wrong. She probably dropped too many hints and it scared. B. Coop away. She should’ve waited patiently until B. Coop told his manager to tell her manager that he’s ready to upgrade their contract. B. Coop is probably traditional like that.
But whatever, Suki doesn’t need B. Coop! Here she is at the NYC premiere of Insurgent giving you:“I’m single and ready to mingle…with Tom Cruise’s people, because I’m looking for a new contract.”
The 90s better watch out, because even though they’re hot shit right now, the return of Bennifer can only mean one thing: that the ’00s are creeping up behind the 90s and are getting ready to yank its wig off. If you’re more ant than grasshopper, now would be the time to pull out your slutty flared-leg dirty denim jeans with the lace-up crotch and/or stiletto Timberlands.
During a commercial break at the Oscars on Sunday night, ABC News (via E!) says that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck had a mini Bennifer reunion that involved lots of whispering. After the presentation of the award for Best Documentary Feature, JLo’s former butt rubber walked over to where she was sitting in the front row, leaned over, and whispered something in her ear. JLo then reportedly “playfully smacked his arm.” A playful arm smack? If Auntie Nelda was a real person, this would be where she’d look up from her glasses and hiss “Keep your hands to yourself, you home-wrecking slap-having hussy tramp.”
Ben Affleck then reportedly moved his whisper game on to Bradley Cooper who, unlike JLo, didn’t respond with a playful smack on the arm. Huh, that’s weird – B. Coop has always struck me as a light-hearted “Oh YOU” playful slap type.
But what the hell was Ben Affleck whispering? I’m going to guess he whispered “I got a bunch of Gigli DVDs in my garage if you want ’em” to JLo and “That was some primo acting you did with that fake baby in American Sniper – I legit believed it was a real baby” to B. Coop. Then he returned back up the aisle to JLo and whispered “No really, my wife says I need to get rid of them. Can I swing by your house later tonight with the first round of boxes?“