Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
I spoke of cruelty earlier, the cruel possibility of people sullying Prince’s holy name by messing with and releasing music that was locked away. Just like the fear of pain at the sight of a doctor’s needle, it is the anticipation, the threat, that is the worst part. And now we’ve been threatened again. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were seen having dinner together last night in L.A.. Which can only mean one, horrific thing… not that I’m speculating or being unfounded…
The last time we checked in with Bradley Cooper’s sure to be definitely good and not a disaster remake of A Star Is Born, all of our silver screen dreams were shattered because Warner Bros. told Beyonce to go call Becky with good hair when they saw how much money she wanted to star in this mess. Knowing that, the only logical conclusion we can come to about why BCoop and Gaga dined together is because he’s now wooing her to be his leading lady. Right? What else could it be. Nothing.
A Star Is Born starring Beyonce and directed by BCoop would have probably been the most incredible thing to ever get nominated for a Razzie, but I’ll take Lady Gaga in it. It’s going to take it from Obsessed 2: Ali’s Revenge to an art school production of Auntie Mame starring a cruise ship drag queen. And here’s Mr Director and his maybe Actress arriving to dinner on a motorcycle:
Even though another remake of A Star Is Born directed by Bradley Cooper sounds like Aloha-levels of bad, it’s still going to happen. The last time we checked, Bradley really wanted aspiring Oscar-winner Beyonce to bring her expert line-reading skills to the lead role. Unfortunately, it sounds like A Star Is BEYONCE! isn’t going to happen, because she’s too expensive.
That loud grinding noise you just heard was the sound of a thousand models for hire taking their potential girlfriend resume package and throwing it into the paper shredder, because it turns out Bradley Cooper isn’t actually looking for new applicants right now.
Yesterday, The Sun was telling everyone that Bradley Cooper’s latest model girlfriend, Irina Shayk, had been given her two weeks notice because she wasn’t getting along with his mommy, Gloria Campano. Unfortunately for all the model types who were hoping this might be their chance to break into the professional girlfriend game, E! says the position of B. Coop’s girlfriend is still being filled by Irina Shayk.
According to a source, who I’m sure totally isn’t Irina Shayk’s agent, Bradley and Irina are still “very much together.” The source also shut down that rumor that Irina and Gloria hate each other by saying: “They are extremely close and hang out even when Bradley is not around. They have a vacation coming up as well.” The source then added: “They’re super super close, okay? They text all the time. They have BFF heart necklaces and matching lower-back tattoos. Irina made Gloria a friendship bracelet and she wore it till it got all gross and fell off. Would two people who aren’t completely real friends do that? Exactly.”
Bradley and Irina wasted no time in backing up E!’s story by strolling around for the paps in NYC on Sunday night. The Daily Mail has the riveting pictures. You know, if Bradley Cooper is ever looking for a little extra work, I’d suggest he offer to teach a class at The Learning Annex on how to get pap-ready in such a short amount of time. “Irina, hand me paddle brush and a can of dry shampoo. NO, NOT THE BATISTE, IRINA – THE GOOD STUFF.”
Pic: Pacific Coast News
“What’s that? Oh, just the sound of another beard biting the dust. Thanks for taking the fall for me on this one, mom!”
It sure is tough out there for a model trying to make a name for herself in the professional girlfriend game. Despite the fact that only two months ago there were whispers that Bradley Cooper was living at Irina Shayk’s apartment and that he’d covered her coffee table in copies of Modern Bride, it sounds like he’s gone ahead and slipped their ten month old contract into the paper shredder. And The Sun (via Daily Mail) says it’s all because she wasn’t compatible with his mama, Gloria Campano.
According to The Sun, Bradley and Irina’s relationship went south at Christmas because Irina gave Bradley a cheap knock-off Tangle Teezer when she knew damn well he wanted a new Mason Pearson. No, it’s because Irina wasn’t getting along with his mom, and it was causing all sorts of drama. The more time Irina and Gloria spent together, the more they realized they’d rather be locked in a windowless room and forced to watch an unedited director’s cut of Aloha alone than spend one more minute with each other.
Eventually shit got so tense between the two of them, Bradley had to choose a side, and he picked his mommy. And who could blame him? Irina couldn’t hold a candle to the stunning pocket-sized Sarasota Snowbird goddess that is Gloria Campano.
But don’t cry for Irina just yet. Apparently she’s already replaced B.Coop with a 25-year-old model type named Stephen James who looks like this. And I’m sure Bradley Cooper will have a new model type girlfriend just as soon as he’s able to narrow down the VOGUE covers in front of him from five to three. “Hmmm…this is tough. They’re all so model-y.”
Noted sink pisser and fart aficionado Jennifer Lawrence just couldn’t let 2015 come to an end without dribbling out one last verbal dingle that we all really needed to know. JLaw has worked with Bradley Cooper a few times and one thing she’s learned about him is that he pretty much comes pre-lubed, because his ass is a sweat machine.
During an interview with KIIS-FM (via Cosmopolitan), JLaw talked about working with B. Coop and said that while rehearsing their dance scenes for Silver Linings Playbook, she found out that he’s got a humidifier of an ass. Cut to that horny ole’ trick Babwawawa getting all thirsty while thinking about Bradley Cooper’s ass sweat.
“When we were doing our dance lessons together, I’m pretty sure he sweats from his butt first. You know, you’ve got pit stains everywhere but like his butt would start sweating and I’m like, ‘Is your butt sweating before your armpits are sweating?’”
We should all thank Jennifer Lawrence for dropping that sweaty little piece of info into our brains. Maybe Bradley Cooper does have a naturally humid ass, or maybe there’s another explanation. B. Coop probably knows that man farts are JLaw’s favorite aphrodisiac and he doesn’t want to give her the wrong impression, so whenever he feels a butt burp coming on while around her, he squeezes his cheeks so hard that they break out into the sweats. That’s probably it.
The name of the vibrator in Babwawawa’s side table isn’t “Selfie,” it’s Bwadwee!
Barbara Walters still does her 10 Most Fascinating People list and everyone on it is usually the direct opposite of fascinating and that includes Bradley Cooper. But now I know why Babwa put B. Coop on her list. She just wanted to let him know in person that she’d fuck him until they were both suffering from severe dehydration, and even then, she’d hook them both up to IVs and fuck on him some more. Those who say that Babwa is no longer the hard-hitting serious journalist she once was need to slather their words with KY and eat them hard. Babwa is still hard-hitting, meaning she wants to hit B. Coop’s ass hard. During their interview, Babwa let B. Coop know that he’s vewwy vewwy scwewable.
Babwa: “I could just sit and stare at you, but that would take too much time. But I, I find you very screwable.”
B. Coop: “Thank you. I think that I’ve grown to stop thinking about it. … But sometimes I feel better than others. Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with feeling comfortable with yourself. And I know that I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been in my life, so maybe that makes me more attractive.”
Barbara Walters has done a lot in life, but I see that she still has goals and one of those goals is to be a late-in-life beard. Get that contract, Babwa! But really, Barbara Walters has only won one Peabody in her entire career, which is crazy. But I’m sure she’ll get another one for her interview with B. Coop. Because it takes a special gift to make Bradley Cooper melt into a puddle of embarrassment while thinking about how the legendary journalist in front of him wants to sit on his face and wide until she’s waw.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
I was considering Photoshopping Beyonce’s head over Judy Garland’s on the poster for the 1954 version of A Star Is Born, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you write yourself a one-way ticket to Hell.
So, way way back in March, when we first heard that Bradley Cooper had replaced elderly grimace Clint Eastwood as the director of another A Star Is Born remake that was happening, we were reminded of the rumor that Clint originally wanted Beyonce to star in that shit. However, she decided to move on to a much bigger project called Blue Ivy Carter. Well, according to Page Six, Beyonce is back in. That loud furious clicking sound you just heard was one of the more tech savvy members of the Beyhive changing the title of A Star Is Born to A Legend Is Born: The Story of BEYONCE!!!! on IMDB.
A source claims that B. Coop’s remake of A Star Is Born probably won’t happen until the end of 2016 or the beginning of 2017, but he already has his star. The source says Beyonce is “a go” and was looking for an “iconic dramatic role.” What? “Looking“? I’m sorry, but Beyonce’s wig is clearly on too tight if she is unable to remember the iconic blank-eyed thespian greatness that was Xania in The Pink Panther. The source adds that development of A Star Is Born is taking such a long time, because B. Coop recently laid two giant turds (Burnt and Aloha) and he wants to get in at least one non-stinker before his remake.
Speaking of acting, Beyonce has apparently been taking acting lessons, I guess because she doesn’t want to go from “Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce” to “two-time Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce“. Today your thoughts and prayers should be with the poor unfortunate soul who has to utter the words “Um…let’s try that scene again.” I’m sure they’re damn near frozen half to death from repeated exposure to Beyonce’s ice-cold “Bitch, no” face.
“Nope.” – that Ariana Grande dog
Those who say that Melissa Rivers should get a dozen gold medals in coattail riding since she’s built an entire career out of being Joan Rivers’ daughter need to temporarily stop hating and bow down, because she has gone next level. Melissa is now wearing the coat. Melissa tells People that David O. Russell asked her if she would do a little cameo as the late Joan Rivers in Joy and she did it, because duh, she obviously lives by her mother’s motto: never turn down a job. Melissa plays Joan in a scene that happens at QVC studios.
When Joan Rivers was still alive, Jennifer Lawrence pissed on Fashion Police for being a big ole’ big meanie mean show, but Melissa says that JLaw was nice to her.
“My mother had a couple lovely encounters with Bradley and she was a fan of Jen’s even though there was a situation once at Fashion Police where someone said something and Jennifer didn’t like it and kind of fired back. Even though we had that disagreement that really had nothing to do with her, I was a huge fan,’ and quoted back her favorite Fashion Police line ever to me: ‘That dress is so ugly it looks like it would be good at math.’ So here she is quoting my own show back to me, then she said to David, ‘I’m so happy you brought me someone to play with!'”
The clip of Melissa as Joan from Entertainment Tonight is below and it’s so weird, creepy and awkward that I think I love it. It’s giving me “Joan Crawford playing her daughter’s character in that soap opera” vibes.
One word: MESS. If Melissa Rivers starts doing Fashion Police as Joan Rivers, I may have to start watching Fashion Police again.
Because I’m a cynic with a heart of cold oatmeal, I figured the lukewarm love between Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk would last as long as it took before Leonardo DiCaprio realized there was a stone left un-turned (aka there was an underwear model out there that he hadn’t boned yet). And since every underwear model’s DNA contains the intrinsic desire to spend a month at sea on Leo’s floating pussy barge, she’d pack up her thinsg (aka a rolling suitcase full of XS thongs) and accept his invitation, leaving Bradley’s assistant in a frantic panic to find him a new model girlfriend. Leo ruins everything!
But apparently I’m way off and we can go ahead and upgrade their relationship from “casual pap walks” to “possible People magazine engagement cover“. According to E!, Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are super serious about each other. Bradley and Irina started hooking up back in April, and a source says that Brad is ready to try the whole being married thing again. Not RIGHT THIS MINUTE, of course, but later on down the line. The source goes on to say that both Brad and Irina want kids, and that Irina will probably spend Christmas with Bradley and his mama.
And the NY Daily News is saying that Bradley is now living at Irina’s apartment in NYC. Bradley was apparently looking at an $8.9 million apartment in Tribeca a couple months ago, but decided to move his shit into his girlfriend’s place instead. No word on whether or not the fake baby from American Sniper is sitting somewhere on a shelf in the living room with a sticky note on its chest that says “One day we’ll make a REAL one of these“, and creeping Irina out every time she walks past it. But I’m going to assume that, yes, it is.
Here’s Irina Shayk’s maybe-future husband strolling around NYC a few days ago in some tighty track pants, because why not.