Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.
But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).
Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.
All together now: Put on your booty shorts…. Ooh, I really like the sexy way you walk…. Ooh, I like the way you make your booty talk… Every time you put on your booty shorts… Belieeeeeve dat girl!
Judging by those coconut-breaking thighs, you’d think that was Brit Brit without her weave on. But it’s Bradley Cooper serving up white meat thighs, ham hocks and extra lean booty beef on the Los Angeles set of Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. While looking like a bottom only hustler whose speciality is Reno 911 role playing, B. Coop shot scenes in the middle of a field of hot pieces in coochie cutters. If all the scenes are like this, which I hope they are, this movie is going to be gayer than Top Gun and I always thought that was impossible.
And duh, I’d put on a Victor Garber mask and hit it.
That click in your brain is your dented memory box barfing up the forgotten memory that Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper were married for a quick second once. It’s wrong of me to say their marriage lasted a quick second. It lasted 5 months, which is practically a silver anniversary in Hollywood.
Before Suki Tapwaterhouse and Squinty Zellweger, Jennifer Esposito was Bradley Cooper’s original beard and they were married from December 2006 to May 2007. B. Coop went on to be a millionaire movie star and Jennifer Esposito went on to get dropped from Blue Bloods after CBS accused her of using her Celiac disease to get a raise. Jennifer’s putting out her memoirs, because a ho’s gotta do what a ho’s gotta do to keep her checking account from overdrafting, and of course she’s talking about B.Coop to sell her book. The NYDN says that Jennifer never calls out B. Coop by name and she only refers to him as a “funny, smart and cocky” “master manipulator” who only cared about himself and dropped her ass out of nowhere.
She describes the mystery suitor as, “funny, smart, cocky, arrogant and a master manipulator,” adding that she didn’t “necessarily find him that attractive.” They quickly became a couple, although the actress says her boyfriend had a “mean, cold side” and “his personality could flip on a dime.”
Esposito claims the relationship was an unhealthy one, focused primarily on his needs and nothing else and that she was “a nonissue.” Esposito also writes that she felt “sidelined” from her own health and needs.
“I became very sad and I felt very alone,” Esposito adds, but she stayed in the relationship just the same.
The union came to an impasse when Esposito attended a seminar at the Agape International Spiritual Center in L.A.
“Within days, my relationship hit an all-time low, and within a week it was over,” she wrote. “Abruptly, rudely, and with the exact callousness that I’d come to expect from him.”
“Cocky and arrogant...” Ho was dating an actor? The hell did she expect? But seriously, Jennifer Esposito’s big revelation about B. Coop is that he’s an asshole who only cares about himself and every time she told him she had the sicks, he’d let out a, “meh,” before going back to brushing his eyebrows and admiring his beauty in the mirror? Big deal. Didn’t anybody tell her that if she’s going to trash her famous exes in her book, she better bring on some good shit, not some shit everybody already knows. What I want to know is if the “red flags” she’s talking about had pictures of hard peen on them and did Victor Garber ever slap her with his glove while calling her a home wrecker? I also want life-like sketches of B. Coop’s peen. If anybody actually buys Jennifer’s book, she better include those tidbits and sketches in the sequel.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.
Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?
Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.
At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.
Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
Here’s 38-year-old Bradley Cooper lying his head on the lap of his 21-looking-like-a-13-year-old girlfriend Suki Waterhouse while reading “Lolita” in a park in Paris. TOO EASY. B. Coop once said that he’d never mess around with Jennifer Lawrence, because his 15-year-old self could’ve made her and now here he is reading “Lolita” with a girl who looks like she’d get carded while trying to get into a PG-13 movie. The trolling is thick here. Well, I guess you really have to bring out heavy doses of foolery to sell a staged photo-op nowadays.
If you ever see Victor Garber shaking his head while his hand over his face, just assume that he’s thinking of these pictures.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Three months ago, tongues curled and nipples got moist when Bradley Cooper was seen strutting around with freshly permed tight curls on his head and here’s those freshly permed tight curls in motion (or not in motion since they don’t move) in the trailer for David O. Russell’s American Hustle (working title: GIVE US ALL THE OSCARS!).
American Hustle is about schemes, cons and ABSCAM shit in the 70s and 80s. It stars B. Coop, B.Coop’s snail shell perm, Christian Bale, Jeremy Renner, Robert De Niro, Jack Huston, Louis C.K., COLLEEN CAMP!!!, Alessandro Nivola, Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Rohm, Amy Adams and every single actor in Hollywood with a SAG card.
I thought Jennifer Lawrence was going to be the hottest thing in this trailer since she sort of looks like a bottom shelf and not-as-glamorous version of Sharon Stone’s character in Casino, but she isn’t. Amy Adams is (the strip show at the 0:41 mark sold me) and it pains the tips of my fingers to type that, because Amy Adams has the career that Megan Follows should’ve had 20 years ago. Bitch stole Anne of Green Gables’ career!
Michael Fassbender, Bradley Cooper and a lady friend left a restaurant in London together last week and they were all walking to the car like they didn’t want to be seen together. Assbender walked south, B. Coop walked north and the lady friend sort of just trailed along behind them. You know how kids aimlessly stumble around after you blindfold them and spin them around during piñata times at a birthday party? That’s what Assbender and B. Coop looked like. They were doing the piñata time stumble.
I figured that Assbender and B. Coop were on a romantic dinner date together and they brought a decoy beard along to throw us off their butt sex trail. But nope! UsWeekly says that the lady friend is British Olympian Louise Hazel and she’s currently filling up her insides with Michael Fassbender’s tube steak dick. Some source says that Assbender has been talking to Louise a lot while filming the newest X-Men movie in Montreal and he goes to London often to see her ass. Assbender recently broke up with his Shame co-star Nicole Beharie and he dated Zoe Kravitz for a minute. So yup, a type: Assbender has one!
It’s sort of hard to believe that Louise and Assbender are doing it. She looks so calm and serene for a woman who has tackled Assbender’s crotch monster. She’s not squat walking and she doesn’t have ice over her crotch. But then again, Louise is a professional javelin thrower so she knows how to handle a long pole. (And yes, you can GONG me for that last one.)