That loud grinding noise you just heard was the sound of a thousand models for hire taking their potential girlfriend resume package and throwing it into the paper shredder, because it turns out Bradley Cooper isn’t actually looking for new applicants right now.
Yesterday, The Sun was telling everyone that Bradley Cooper’s latest model girlfriend, Irina Shayk, had been given her two weeks notice because she wasn’t getting along with his mommy, Gloria Campano. Unfortunately for all the model types who were hoping this might be their chance to break into the professional girlfriend game, E! says the position of B. Coop’s girlfriend is still being filled by Irina Shayk.
According to a source, who I’m sure totally isn’t Irina Shayk’s agent, Bradley and Irina are still “very much together.” The source also shut down that rumor that Irina and Gloria hate each other by saying: “They are extremely close and hang out even when Bradley is not around. They have a vacation coming up as well.” The source then added: “They’re super super close, okay? They text all the time. They have BFF heart necklaces and matching lower-back tattoos. Irina made Gloria a friendship bracelet and she wore it till it got all gross and fell off. Would two people who aren’t completely real friends do that? Exactly.”
Bradley and Irina wasted no time in backing up E!’s story by strolling around for the paps in NYC on Sunday night. The Daily Mail has the riveting pictures. You know, if Bradley Cooper is ever looking for a little extra work, I’d suggest he offer to teach a class at The Learning Annex on how to get pap-ready in such a short amount of time. “Irina, hand me paddle brush and a can of dry shampoo. NO, NOT THE BATISTE, IRINA – THE GOOD STUFF.”
Pic: Pacific Coast News
“What’s that? Oh, just the sound of another beard biting the dust. Thanks for taking the fall for me on this one, mom!”
It sure is tough out there for a model trying to make a name for herself in the professional girlfriend game. Despite the fact that only two months ago there were whispers that Bradley Cooper was living at Irina Shayk’s apartment and that he’d covered her coffee table in copies of Modern Bride, it sounds like he’s gone ahead and slipped their ten month old contract into the paper shredder. And The Sun (via Daily Mail) says it’s all because she wasn’t compatible with his mama, Gloria Campano.
According to The Sun, Bradley and Irina’s relationship went south at Christmas because Irina gave Bradley a cheap knock-off Tangle Teezer when she knew damn well he wanted a new Mason Pearson. No, it’s because Irina wasn’t getting along with his mom, and it was causing all sorts of drama. The more time Irina and Gloria spent together, the more they realized they’d rather be locked in a windowless room and forced to watch an unedited director’s cut of Aloha alone than spend one more minute with each other.
Eventually shit got so tense between the two of them, Bradley had to choose a side, and he picked his mommy. And who could blame him? Irina couldn’t hold a candle to the stunning pocket-sized Sarasota Snowbird goddess that is Gloria Campano.
But don’t cry for Irina just yet. Apparently she’s already replaced B.Coop with a 25-year-old model type named Stephen James who looks like this. And I’m sure Bradley Cooper will have a new model type girlfriend just as soon as he’s able to narrow down the VOGUE covers in front of him from five to three. “Hmmm…this is tough. They’re all so model-y.”
Noted sink pisser and fart aficionado Jennifer Lawrence just couldn’t let 2015 come to an end without dribbling out one last verbal dingle that we all really needed to know. JLaw has worked with Bradley Cooper a few times and one thing she’s learned about him is that he pretty much comes pre-lubed, because his ass is a sweat machine.
During an interview with KIIS-FM (via Cosmopolitan), JLaw talked about working with B. Coop and said that while rehearsing their dance scenes for Silver Linings Playbook, she found out that he’s got a humidifier of an ass. Cut to that horny ole’ trick Babwawawa getting all thirsty while thinking about Bradley Cooper’s ass sweat.
“When we were doing our dance lessons together, I’m pretty sure he sweats from his butt first. You know, you’ve got pit stains everywhere but like his butt would start sweating and I’m like, ‘Is your butt sweating before your armpits are sweating?’”
We should all thank Jennifer Lawrence for dropping that sweaty little piece of info into our brains. Maybe Bradley Cooper does have a naturally humid ass, or maybe there’s another explanation. B. Coop probably knows that man farts are JLaw’s favorite aphrodisiac and he doesn’t want to give her the wrong impression, so whenever he feels a butt burp coming on while around her, he squeezes his cheeks so hard that they break out into the sweats. That’s probably it.
The name of the vibrator in Babwawawa’s side table isn’t “Selfie,” it’s Bwadwee!
Barbara Walters still does her 10 Most Fascinating People list and everyone on it is usually the direct opposite of fascinating and that includes Bradley Cooper. But now I know why Babwa put B. Coop on her list. She just wanted to let him know in person that she’d fuck him until they were both suffering from severe dehydration, and even then, she’d hook them both up to IVs and fuck on him some more. Those who say that Babwa is no longer the hard-hitting serious journalist she once was need to slather their words with KY and eat them hard. Babwa is still hard-hitting, meaning she wants to hit B. Coop’s ass hard. During their interview, Babwa let B. Coop know that he’s vewwy vewwy scwewable.
Babwa: “I could just sit and stare at you, but that would take too much time. But I, I find you very screwable.”
B. Coop: “Thank you. I think that I’ve grown to stop thinking about it. … But sometimes I feel better than others. Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with feeling comfortable with yourself. And I know that I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been in my life, so maybe that makes me more attractive.”
Barbara Walters has done a lot in life, but I see that she still has goals and one of those goals is to be a late-in-life beard. Get that contract, Babwa! But really, Barbara Walters has only won one Peabody in her entire career, which is crazy. But I’m sure she’ll get another one for her interview with B. Coop. Because it takes a special gift to make Bradley Cooper melt into a puddle of embarrassment while thinking about how the legendary journalist in front of him wants to sit on his face and wide until she’s waw.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
I was considering Photoshopping Beyonce’s head over Judy Garland’s on the poster for the 1954 version of A Star Is Born, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you write yourself a one-way ticket to Hell.
So, way way back in March, when we first heard that Bradley Cooper had replaced elderly grimace Clint Eastwood as the director of another A Star Is Born remake that was happening, we were reminded of the rumor that Clint originally wanted Beyonce to star in that shit. However, she decided to move on to a much bigger project called Blue Ivy Carter. Well, according to Page Six, Beyonce is back in. That loud furious clicking sound you just heard was one of the more tech savvy members of the Beyhive changing the title of A Star Is Born to A Legend Is Born: The Story of BEYONCE!!!! on IMDB.
A source claims that B. Coop’s remake of A Star Is Born probably won’t happen until the end of 2016 or the beginning of 2017, but he already has his star. The source says Beyonce is “a go” and was looking for an “iconic dramatic role.” What? “Looking“? I’m sorry, but Beyonce’s wig is clearly on too tight if she is unable to remember the iconic blank-eyed thespian greatness that was Xania in The Pink Panther. The source adds that development of A Star Is Born is taking such a long time, because B. Coop recently laid two giant turds (Burnt and Aloha) and he wants to get in at least one non-stinker before his remake.
Speaking of acting, Beyonce has apparently been taking acting lessons, I guess because she doesn’t want to go from “Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce” to “two-time Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce“. Today your thoughts and prayers should be with the poor unfortunate soul who has to utter the words “Um…let’s try that scene again.” I’m sure they’re damn near frozen half to death from repeated exposure to Beyonce’s ice-cold “Bitch, no” face.
“Nope.” – that Ariana Grande dog
Those who say that Melissa Rivers should get a dozen gold medals in coattail riding since she’s built an entire career out of being Joan Rivers’ daughter need to temporarily stop hating and bow down, because she has gone next level. Melissa is now wearing the coat. Melissa tells People that David O. Russell asked her if she would do a little cameo as the late Joan Rivers in Joy and she did it, because duh, she obviously lives by her mother’s motto: never turn down a job. Melissa plays Joan in a scene that happens at QVC studios.
When Joan Rivers was still alive, Jennifer Lawrence pissed on Fashion Police for being a big ole’ big meanie mean show, but Melissa says that JLaw was nice to her.
“My mother had a couple lovely encounters with Bradley and she was a fan of Jen’s even though there was a situation once at Fashion Police where someone said something and Jennifer didn’t like it and kind of fired back. Even though we had that disagreement that really had nothing to do with her, I was a huge fan,’ and quoted back her favorite Fashion Police line ever to me: ‘That dress is so ugly it looks like it would be good at math.’ So here she is quoting my own show back to me, then she said to David, ‘I’m so happy you brought me someone to play with!'”
The clip of Melissa as Joan from Entertainment Tonight is below and it’s so weird, creepy and awkward that I think I love it. It’s giving me “Joan Crawford playing her daughter’s character in that soap opera” vibes.
One word: MESS. If Melissa Rivers starts doing Fashion Police as Joan Rivers, I may have to start watching Fashion Police again.
Because I’m a cynic with a heart of cold oatmeal, I figured the lukewarm love between Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk would last as long as it took before Leonardo DiCaprio realized there was a stone left un-turned (aka there was an underwear model out there that he hadn’t boned yet). And since every underwear model’s DNA contains the intrinsic desire to spend a month at sea on Leo’s floating pussy barge, she’d pack up her thinsg (aka a rolling suitcase full of XS thongs) and accept his invitation, leaving Bradley’s assistant in a frantic panic to find him a new model girlfriend. Leo ruins everything!
But apparently I’m way off and we can go ahead and upgrade their relationship from “casual pap walks” to “possible People magazine engagement cover“. According to E!, Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are super serious about each other. Bradley and Irina started hooking up back in April, and a source says that Brad is ready to try the whole being married thing again. Not RIGHT THIS MINUTE, of course, but later on down the line. The source goes on to say that both Brad and Irina want kids, and that Irina will probably spend Christmas with Bradley and his mama.
And the NY Daily News is saying that Bradley is now living at Irina’s apartment in NYC. Bradley was apparently looking at an $8.9 million apartment in Tribeca a couple months ago, but decided to move his shit into his girlfriend’s place instead. No word on whether or not the fake baby from American Sniper is sitting somewhere on a shelf in the living room with a sticky note on its chest that says “One day we’ll make a REAL one of these“, and creeping Irina out every time she walks past it. But I’m going to assume that, yes, it is.
Here’s Irina Shayk’s maybe-future husband strolling around NYC a few days ago in some tighty track pants, because why not.
Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…
Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.
Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.
How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.
When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.
Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.
That’s still $10 million more than I thought it would make.
Aloha (aka that shitty-looking Cameron Crowe movie that Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams probably only did because they wanted to live in Hawaii for a few months) was the sinking turd of the box office this weekend. Aloha cost $37 million and it brought in only $10 million. This is pretty much the opposite of shocking since Sony barely did any promo for it and during the whole Sony Hack mess, Amy Pascal made it clear in several emails that Aloha makes about as much sense as a metal spiked dildo and is “ridiculous.” They should’ve known that Aloha wouldn’t end well as soon as Emma Stone was cast as a woman named Allison Ng who is a quarter Hawaiian, a quarter Chinese and a quarter Swedish. The Swedish part must have eaten the Chinese and Hawaiian parts.
Aloha came in 6th at the US box office this weekend. This is what the top 10 looked like:
1. San Andreas – $53.2 million
2. Pitch Perfect 2 – $14.4 million
3. Tomorrowland – $14 million
4. Mad Max: Fury Road – $13.6 million
5. Avengers: Age of Ultron – $11 milion
6. Aloha – $10 million
7. Poltergeist – $7.8 million
8. Far from the Madding Crowd – $1.4 million
9. Hot Pursuit – $1.37 million
10. Home – $1.2 million
I almost went to see Aloha yesterday, because I love a good piece of trash, but I cherish the tiny piece of dignity I have left (haha, like I have any dignity left) and knew it would disappear as soon as I said the words: “One for Aloha please!” So I went to see San Andreas instead and spent most of the movie thinking that The Rock should really take that helicopter to the Maury show, because Laurie Lewis from All My Children playing his and Carla Gugino’s daughter doesn’t really make sense in the genetics department.
But I am looking forward to watching Aloha when it eventually makes its basic cable debut on Lifetime (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next week), because reviews like this one sold me:
“Aloha isn’t horrible, but it does have a pitiable odor about it, like a dog that’s sat too long on the beach.”
Shortly before Bradley Cooper made an appearance on Good Morning America this morning to talk about bone marrow donation, Page Six says that he might have been trying to donate his boner to Irina Shayk (don’t get up; I’ll show myself out for that one). Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have been maybe-dating for the past couple of weeks, but I guess their PR people decided it was time to take whatever they’re doing to the next level. “Sources” (8 of Bradley Cooper’s most gossipy eyebrow stylists) tell Page Six that B.Coop and I.Shayk spent the majority of Rihanna’s Met Gala afterparty making out in a dark corner. Ooooh, how middle school dance of them! I wonder if any of the adults told them to keep it Bible-width apart?
Bradley and Irina both went to the Met Gala, but not together. They met up later on at RiRi’s. They hung out with a group of their friends, which included Kerry Washington, the Winklevoss Twins, and Leonardo DiCaprio, but eventually snuck off to the “karaoke room” to mouth hump on each other.
One source claims they were making out till about 3 or 4 in the morning. No word on whether or not they left together. If you really want to see what Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk looks like, the Daily Mail has some pictures that look like they were taken with a busted Motorola Razr.
I see what was going on there. All that making out was just Bradley Cooper’s way of keeping Leonardo DiCaprio from poaching his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend. Smart move to sneak off to the “karaoke room“; when Leo gets his horny party hobo on, his movement is pretty much limited to just drinking, popping boners, and heavy breathing. Bradley clearly knew that Jack Nicholson Jr. would be far too lethargic to follow them into a room that would require him to stand upright and sing.
Here’s Bradley Cooper at GMA this morning swabbing his mouth for a bone marrow test. Speaking of light speed, I’m sure it took all of 0.003 seconds before the first pic below was Photoshopped into some next-level lewdness.
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash/INF