— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.
Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?
Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.
At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.
Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
Here’s 38-year-old Bradley Cooper lying his head on the lap of his 21-looking-like-a-13-year-old girlfriend Suki Waterhouse while reading “Lolita” in a park in Paris. TOO EASY. B. Coop once said that he’d never mess around with Jennifer Lawrence, because his 15-year-old self could’ve made her and now here he is reading “Lolita” with a girl who looks like she’d get carded while trying to get into a PG-13 movie. The trolling is thick here. Well, I guess you really have to bring out heavy doses of foolery to sell a staged photo-op nowadays.
If you ever see Victor Garber shaking his head while his hand over his face, just assume that he’s thinking of these pictures.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Three months ago, tongues curled and nipples got moist when Bradley Cooper was seen strutting around with freshly permed tight curls on his head and here’s those freshly permed tight curls in motion (or not in motion since they don’t move) in the trailer for David O. Russell’s American Hustle (working title: GIVE US ALL THE OSCARS!).
American Hustle is about schemes, cons and ABSCAM shit in the 70s and 80s. It stars B. Coop, B.Coop’s snail shell perm, Christian Bale, Jeremy Renner, Robert De Niro, Jack Huston, Louis C.K., COLLEEN CAMP!!!, Alessandro Nivola, Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Rohm, Amy Adams and every single actor in Hollywood with a SAG card.
I thought Jennifer Lawrence was going to be the hottest thing in this trailer since she sort of looks like a bottom shelf and not-as-glamorous version of Sharon Stone’s character in Casino, but she isn’t. Amy Adams is (the strip show at the 0:41 mark sold me) and it pains the tips of my fingers to type that, because Amy Adams has the career that Megan Follows should’ve had 20 years ago. Bitch stole Anne of Green Gables’ career!
Michael Fassbender, Bradley Cooper and a lady friend left a restaurant in London together last week and they were all walking to the car like they didn’t want to be seen together. Assbender walked south, B. Coop walked north and the lady friend sort of just trailed along behind them. You know how kids aimlessly stumble around after you blindfold them and spin them around during piñata times at a birthday party? That’s what Assbender and B. Coop looked like. They were doing the piñata time stumble.
I figured that Assbender and B. Coop were on a romantic dinner date together and they brought a decoy beard along to throw us off their butt sex trail. But nope! UsWeekly says that the lady friend is British Olympian Louise Hazel and she’s currently filling up her insides with Michael Fassbender’s tube steak dick. Some source says that Assbender has been talking to Louise a lot while filming the newest X-Men movie in Montreal and he goes to London often to see her ass. Assbender recently broke up with his Shame co-star Nicole Beharie and he dated Zoe Kravitz for a minute. So yup, a type: Assbender has one!
It’s sort of hard to believe that Louise and Assbender are doing it. She looks so calm and serene for a woman who has tackled Assbender’s crotch monster. She’s not squat walking and she doesn’t have ice over her crotch. But then again, Louise is a professional javelin thrower so she knows how to handle a long pole. (And yes, you can GONG me for that last one.)
Zach Galifianakis Brought The Lady He Saved From Homelessness To The Hangover III Premiere Last Night
I’m taking a short break from our regularly scheduled program of foolery and fuckery to bring you a sweet story that proves that there are some nice people who do good things in the world. I know, this is my second nice story of the day and if I keep at it, I’ll totally have to change this site’s name from Dlisted to D’awwwlisted.
The New York Daily News (via UsWeekly) says that before Zach Galianakfifisksisnis was a multi-millionaire movie star, he did his laundry at Fox Laundry in Los Angeles and that’s where he met Elizabeth “Mimi” Haist who volunteered there for tips. Elizabeth pretty much only survived on tips from customers and jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house, because she didn’t have a place of her own. Zach and Mimi kept in touch, and years later when his checking account balance started to see more zeros, he got her an apartment in Santa Monica and he pays her rent and utilities every month.
Somehow Renee Zellweger got involved and decorated Mimi’s apartment. Squinty also buys Mimi’s groceries.
Zach didn’t just set Mimi up in an apartment like a kept memaw and stop calling her. Zach calls Mimi to see how she’s doing and always invites her to his premieres. Mimi has gone to several premieres and for the longest time nobody knew who she was. Some figured she was Zach’s grandma and others figured she was his side piece (Zach wishes). 87-year-old Mimi was Zach’s date to last night’s premiere of The Hangover III and before the premiere, she said this:
“I’m looking forward to it, I like the excitement of it. If he’s in town, he takes me. Otherwise he lets me take a friend. I dress up nice and a friend helps me with my makeup. It’s fun, not something I’ve ever dreamed I’d experience.
Afterwards, they have a party at somewhere close by and you meet the stars. I drink lemon drop martinis with Grey Goose vodka.”
Zach Galikadsjflkadsjfklasdfi has a glorious beard of ginger lushness, so I would’ve before reading this, but now after finding out that he’s a memaw helper, I really, really would. And somebody please strap all the Kardashians to chairs and read them Mimi’s story from the New York Daily News. The thought of being selfless and generous will make all of their heads combust.
Here’s a few pictures from last night’s premiere. In order after Zach: a greasy vision in copper (who totally asked Mimi to be his next beard), Ed Helms, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha, Santana from Glee, Ken Jeong and Hanson.
I’ll get to the mindless fuckery of Hollywood and beyond in a second, but first here’s Bradley Cooper visiting Jeffrey Bauman Jr., a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombings who lost both his legs in the attack and helped identify the suspects.
Jeffrey is probably thinking to himself, “Wait, you’re not Batman. Doesn’t Batman usually do this?” Jeffrey didn’t get Batman, but he did get Bradley Cooper in his favorite church suit. That really is B. Coop’s favorite church suit, because he wore it to the interfaith service for the victims in Boston yesterday. I’m sure Jeffrey will get a visit from Batman any second now, because like B. Coop, Christian Bale is in Boston to film David O. Russell’s Abscam movie.
And I’m surprised that B. Coop didn’t make this visit extra, extra special by getting another snail shell perm beforehand. Yes, this picture definitely needs more B. Coop curls.
Since Justin Timberlake viciously murdered his luscious ringlets with a flat iron and some straightening balm, somebody has to proudly work a head full of tight curls. Enter Bradley Cooper’s ass. Here’s B. Coop looking hot while walking with Jennifer Lawrence to the set of David O. Russell’s new movie in Boston today. Everything about this look works from that manicured beard to that open shirt to that thick layer of bronzer on his skin to his freshly permed hair which makes his head looks like it’s covered in a field of snail shells. B. Coop looks like a 70s porn producer/pimp who sleeps on a waterbed covered in tiger print satin sheets and dips his nuts in Spanish Fly oil. Swoon.
This might be the first time B. Coop has ever done things to me, so yes, I’d hit it. And I’d really hit it if B. Coop matched the carpet to the drapes by perming his pubes.