I know, I know. It’s slow today and besides, this is an extremely important and highly relevant update about the biggest star in America today: the fake baby from American Sniper!
In my post yesterday about the breakout star of American Sniper, the low-budget Dollar Tree baby doll, I said that Clint Eastwood used a creepy prop baby, because he likes to direct really fast and a screaming, slobbering and farting human baby would hold him up. That’s not the truth, according to American Sniper’s screenwriter. In a tweet (which has since been deleted), Jason Hall said that they tried to give the job to a real, living and breathing human baby, but it didn’t work out, because babies either have the sicks or are flaky lazies. When journalist Mark Harris joked about the cheap ass plastic baby, Jason burped this up:
@MarkHarrisNYC hate to ruin the fun but real baby #1 showed up with a fever. Real baby #2 was no show. (Clint voice) Gimme the doll, kid.
I bet that irresponsible, lazy, rude baby is hating life right now (cut to the baby, now a 2 year old, laughing as it discovers it can fart). That prop baby has probably already signed to WME, got a 4 picture deal which includes the starring role in a big-screen version of Talking Tina and has replaced fellow hollowed out empty vessel Kristen Stewart as the new face of Balenciaga. This will teach the irresponsible babies of this country that they have to stop being flaky and lazy or they will lose their jobs to plastic baby dolls. But really, I’m surprised that Clint Eastwood didn’t make Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller go full Clint Eastwood by acting with an invisible baby. It really would’ve added extra layers of mystery and drama to this hilarious scene:
And that doll on the shelf in the first few seconds… Is that what her legs look like or did the prop department not have another doll handy so they made one out of pink dildos?
Every 55 minutes? What a lightweight. I’m shoving food in my mouth at least every 19 minutes. During an interview with People, the writer/producer of the film American Sniper Jason Hall spilled the beans on Bradley Cooper’s method for getting all thick and bulky in preparation for his role as a U.S. Navy SEAL sniper. According to Hall, B.Coop consumed about 8,000 calories a day by stuffing his face with food every 55 minutes. To put that in perspective, that’s like eating three Doritos Locos tacos every hour, all day long. Exactly, it sounds like a dream and when can I start. But Hall says it wasn’t just mouth fucking piles of Pop-Tarts; B.Coop was also busting his ass at the gym. Ugh, I knew there had to be a catch.
“Bradley used his own trainer, who was busting on him. I think he was working out four hours a day for several months. He was determined to do it naturally, he didn’t want to use any hormones or steroids or anything. He was just very systematic about it and took his trainer with him wherever he went.”
I know Bradley Cooper is a ~serious~ actor now (the ghost of Wedding Crashers Bradley Cooper just got very sad) and that gaining 40lbs of muscle will surely win him that Oscar he dreams about every night, but that seems like an awful lot of work. I don’t understand why Clint Eastwood didn’t just pick up an XL Spider-Man muscle suit at Toys R Us while he was there buying that baby doll. I’m sure he could have doubled-up and gotten a really good deal. Oldies love a good deal.
But before we get into it, will somebody track down that prop baby’s agent and give them the number to a good fake baby plastic surgeon. Because that kid’s butt implant is slipping and it should use some of its American Sniper money to get that situation fixed.
I haven’t seen American Sniper yet, because I have a hard time getting into war movies and my idea of a good military movie is Private Benjamin. Besides, in American Sniper’s trailer, Sienna Miller cries into a phone and she does the same thing in Foxcatcher. A trick can only take so much of Sienna Miller crying into a phone. But I may force myself to see American Sniper so I can take in the brilliant and riveting performance of the fake, plastic baby (who I’m guessing is Chuckesmee’s little sister).
Seth Rogen’s favorite movie has made $134 million worldwide so far and all the credit for that movie’s success goes to the fake baby who delivered an emotionally raw and multi-layered performance as Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller’s kid. Not since Beyonce’s pillow bump and Kristen Stewart has an inanimate object delivered such a scene-stealing performance! Apparently, some people who have seen the movie are complaining about how cheap and fake the baby looks. It almost ruined the entire movie for them.
They don’t even use an animatronic baby. B. Coop had to move it with his fingers. The other hos in the Best Actor race can pack it up and go home, because that trophy belongs to B. Coop. Did Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne and the other nominees move a baby doll’s hand with their finger while keeping a serious face? I think not. THIS IS ACTING! THIS IS SKILL!
Anne Thompson, a film columnist, tells USA Today that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby, because he likes to shoot fast and he doesn’t have time for a real baby and its real baby problems:
“Basically, film professionals know that Eastwood likes to move fast on movie sets and recognize that he took the easy and less expensive route of using a fake baby — not even animatronic — that Cooper had to move himself to make it look lifelike!”
Also, Clint doesn’t like to use babies, because he wants be the only one on set who babbles incoherently.
And in related news, Pimp Mama Kris has announced that she’s starting a petition to get American Sniper stripped of its Oscar nominations and pulled from theaters. It is a sad day in Hollywood when fake babies are taking jobs away from human babies. If this becomes a trend and fake babies are hired over real babies, what are pimp moms and dads going to do for money?!
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.
But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).
Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.
All together now: Put on your booty shorts…. Ooh, I really like the sexy way you walk…. Ooh, I like the way you make your booty talk… Every time you put on your booty shorts… Belieeeeeve dat girl!
Judging by those coconut-breaking thighs, you’d think that was Brit Brit without her weave on. But it’s Bradley Cooper serving up white meat thighs, ham hocks and extra lean booty beef on the Los Angeles set of Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. While looking like a bottom only hustler whose speciality is Reno 911 role playing, B. Coop shot scenes in the middle of a field of hot pieces in coochie cutters. If all the scenes are like this, which I hope they are, this movie is going to be gayer than Top Gun and I always thought that was impossible.
And duh, I’d put on a Victor Garber mask and hit it.
That click in your brain is your dented memory box barfing up the forgotten memory that Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper were married for a quick second once. It’s wrong of me to say their marriage lasted a quick second. It lasted 5 months, which is practically a silver anniversary in Hollywood.
Before Suki Tapwaterhouse and Squinty Zellweger, Jennifer Esposito was Bradley Cooper’s original beard and they were married from December 2006 to May 2007. B. Coop went on to be a millionaire movie star and Jennifer Esposito went on to get dropped from Blue Bloods after CBS accused her of using her Celiac disease to get a raise. Jennifer’s putting out her memoirs, because a ho’s gotta do what a ho’s gotta do to keep her checking account from overdrafting, and of course she’s talking about B.Coop to sell her book. The NYDN says that Jennifer never calls out B. Coop by name and she only refers to him as a “funny, smart and cocky” “master manipulator” who only cared about himself and dropped her ass out of nowhere.
She describes the mystery suitor as, “funny, smart, cocky, arrogant and a master manipulator,” adding that she didn’t “necessarily find him that attractive.” They quickly became a couple, although the actress says her boyfriend had a “mean, cold side” and “his personality could flip on a dime.”
Esposito claims the relationship was an unhealthy one, focused primarily on his needs and nothing else and that she was “a nonissue.” Esposito also writes that she felt “sidelined” from her own health and needs.
“I became very sad and I felt very alone,” Esposito adds, but she stayed in the relationship just the same.
The union came to an impasse when Esposito attended a seminar at the Agape International Spiritual Center in L.A.
“Within days, my relationship hit an all-time low, and within a week it was over,” she wrote. “Abruptly, rudely, and with the exact callousness that I’d come to expect from him.”
“Cocky and arrogant...” Ho was dating an actor? The hell did she expect? But seriously, Jennifer Esposito’s big revelation about B. Coop is that he’s an asshole who only cares about himself and every time she told him she had the sicks, he’d let out a, “meh,” before going back to brushing his eyebrows and admiring his beauty in the mirror? Big deal. Didn’t anybody tell her that if she’s going to trash her famous exes in her book, she better bring on some good shit, not some shit everybody already knows. What I want to know is if the “red flags” she’s talking about had pictures of hard peen on them and did Victor Garber ever slap her with his glove while calling her a home wrecker? I also want life-like sketches of B. Coop’s peen. If anybody actually buys Jennifer’s book, she better include those tidbits and sketches in the sequel.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014
If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.
Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?
Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.
At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.
Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.