After waiting years to see what this potential mess might look like, Warner Bros. dropped the trailer for A Star is Born today, as well as the first official poster. As much as I wanted to believe this would be Razzie-bait, there’s word that it’s decent. That’s if it’s not thrown off by Bradley Cooper looking rode hard/put away in a jerky smoker, and Lady Gaga in a variety of deeply unconvincing wigs.
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Believe it or not, but Warner Bros. hasn’t realized that they made a bad, bad decision and pulled the plug on the 876th remake of A Star Is Born. A Dirt Star Is Born is still filming, and after shooting scenes at Coachella earlier this week, that future shit show’s director, Bradley Cooper, and his hot double shot scenes in L.A. yesterday. B. Coop looks like a beach hobo who lives under a pier and scares children who are looking for seashells, so thankfully, his double brought the hotness. That peek of stomach skin… That flash of shiny chest…. That sassy hands-on-hips pose that makes b-holes pucker themselves raw…. A star is born and that star is B. Coop Two!
This latest Star Is Born is a country-fied version, and B. Coop plays a fading country star named Jackson Maine and Lady Gaga plays a country singer named Ally. Andrew Dice Clay plays her dad. That shit sounds like the ingredients for a perfect flop. Just the thought of Bradley Cooper crooning out a country song is probably making Razzie voters prematurely write his name down on a ballot. But you know, every pop tricks needs their own campy turd masterpiece. Mariah Carey has Glitter. Beyonce has Obsessed. Brit Brit has Crossroads. Kelly Clarkson has From Justin to Kelly. Chestica Simpson has Blonde Ambition. RiRi has Battleship. And Madonna has (insert the name of any Madge movie that’s not Desperately Seeking Susan, A League Of Their Own or Body of Evidence, which really is an underrated serious cinematic jewel).
And since A Star Is Born shot scenes in the desert, I’m hoping there’s a part in the movie where Jackson Maine and Ally do peyote together, and while boning, he hallucinates her as his hot, sassy body double.
This Open Post is going up much earlier than usual, because for some strange weird bizarre reason gossip is slower than a stoned slug’s jizz shot. I know, it’s crazy that there’s not much happening on a Friday before we celebrate Jesus’ second ultra dramatic entrance. (Jesus was almost as good as Tandi Imandi Dupree when it comes to making an ultra dramatic entrance.) I bet it’s slow because famous tricks are preparing for the impending World War III by stocking their end-of-the-world bunkers with the necessities (like LaCroix, gluten-free soy-free dairy-free plant-free protein-free bars, a SoulCycle cycle and a generator that will charge their phones so they can take bunker selfies until the end of time).
But anyway, here’s Bradley Cooper showing up to some movie studio yesterday in Hollywood, CA in the casual L.A. uniform of scrunched up sweats, new-ish sneakers and $400 sunglasses. Like many, whenever my hard-up and desperate ass sees pictures of a celebrity dude in grey sweatpants, my eyeballs become magnifying glasses that search for VPP (visible peen print). On a scale between Ken Doll and Justin Theroux filming The Leftovers, these sweat pics are somewhere in the middle. I think.
And yes, Jesus died so that I could post pics of B. Coop in grey sweatpants on a slow Good Friday.
Bradley Cooper and his piece of 2 years Irina Shayk never publicly admitted that a Cooper-Shayk fetus was growing in her womb, but she let that fact be known at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year. Irina sashayed down the runway while working a slightly covered-up teeny tiny bump that on a skinny lingerie model says, “I’m 5 months knocked up,” but on us regulars says, “I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 10 days, I just had two enemas in a row and I’m sucking in so hard that I’ve got two broken rib bones now.” That baby is apparently here now and everyone is reporting that the kid was pulled out of Irina’s body two weeks ago. I know, if a celebrity baby is born and a black and white picture of the child’s hand clutching onto one of his parents’ fingers doesn’t show up on Instagram immediately, was the celebrity baby ever born? That is the eternal question.
Irina Shayk walked the runway at Victoria’s Secret annual fashion show last month looking a little bigger in the stomach and wearing ten tons of lingerie-inspired distractions around her mid-section. It didn’t take long for a source to spill the news to E! News that Irina was pregnant with Bradley Cooper’s baby. This might be more than a casual “I knocked-up my contract model girlfriend” thing.
While walking Los Angeles yesterday, Irina did a really good job at distracting people from the baby growing in her body by flashing a ring on THAT FINGER. That arrow in the FedEx logo can try, but Irina is making sure that no one is looking in any direction but down at her hand.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) December 15, 2016
If Irina is about to become the second Mrs. Master Manipulator, this will be her first wedding.
There’s no confirmation on whether or not that Royal Look-4-Less ring on Irina’s hand is for sure an engagement ring. It could be. Sources say that Bradley and Irina have had the contract-extension conversation. Either Bradley and Irina are really engaged, or Irina just picked a finger at random on which to wear a very engagement-y looking ring. Irina? Wearing something to get a little attention? Hmmm, that doesn’t sound like her.