Remember before there was a new gruesome rape story everyday and clowning on at-home coffee ass douche hawker Gwyneth Paltrow was one of our favorite things (it falls between raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)? Those were heady times. Let’s resurrect that sort of feel-good reporting with a post on Gwyneth Paltrow getting engaged. She’s marrying American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk. Continue reading
If the rumors are true, then Gwyneth Paltrow might have an engagement ring (or “fidelity intention totem” as she calls it) on her finger from her boyfriend Brad Falchuk. And just to prove that Gwyneth Paltrow does both divorce and second marriages better than the rest of us, she gathered her ex-husband Chris Martin and her maybe secret fiancé for brunch yesterday.
Gwyneth Instagrammed the above picture yesterday with the caption: “Sunday brunch #modernfamily.” I know Gwyneth wants us to care that Chris Martin is sitting in the general vicinity of Brad Falchuk, but all I’m focused on is why the hell they’re sitting in front of a chalk board. Did Gwyneth treat them to brunch at a GOOP timeshare seminar? Does anyone know if Chris and Brad were treated to a piece of gluten-free tapioca toast smeared with raw coconut oil, but only if they sat through a 90-minute presentation about jade vagina eggs first?
I can’t be a total miser here; it’s nice that Gwyneth’s previous husband doesn’t seem to hate her next one. It’s a bit corny, but it’s miles better than the alternative (just ask Halle Berry). Even if both Chris and Brad look a little uncomfortable. Although Chris is probably all hunched up because his body isn’t used to being without a scarf for so long. He’s attempting to conserve heat before hypothermia sets in.
Get ready for an onslaught of Goop.com “How Middle-Aged Brides Can Still Look Virginal – A Vagina Steaming, That’s How!” stories to pop up over the next few months, because Gwyneth Paltrow might by tying the knot again. Continue reading
Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.