Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk got married on Saturday at a private home in the Hamptons in front of a small audience of famous friends. Not much is known about the look of Gwyneth’s wedding, and I’m sure she’s saving the details for Goop. For now, all we know is that Gwyneth and Brad sealed the deal with some simple gold bands.
Gwyneth posted the picture on Sunday without any caption. As for those rings, it’s safe to assume they’re just standard wedding bands. Although it is Gwyneth we’re talking about, so they might actually be a circular spiritual soul connectivity set, forged from Tibetan gold, blessed by a lady Shaman named Togethyr in a crystal singing bowl.
According to People, Gwyneth was all about privacy at this wedding. A source says she worked with wedding guest and friend Cameron Diaz to make sure the day was as secret as possible. Cameron and Benji Madden got married without any details getting out, and Gwyneth wanted the same.
That might explain why Gwyneth didn’t give away any information in the caption of that wedding ring picture. Of course, there is a chance their first official picture as Mr. and Mrs. doesn’t have a wordy pretentious caption is because she posted it the day after her wedding reception. And let’s face it, she was probably too hungover on organic sulfite-free wine to come up with anything good.
“When your chakras finally align with the sensual energy of the endocrine system…no. Okay, when you channel spiritual creativity into cosmic love…fuck, no not that. Damn it, Brad – pass me the fucking Tylenol.“
The rumors were true! Goop and her fiance of eight months have mindfully coalesced into a dyad! Translation – Gwyneth Paltrow, 46, and Glee and American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, 47, were married in an intimate yet star-studded ceremony in the Hamptons yesterday.
And I’m sure the guests are already drooling with excitement. Just think: sitting on an imported Italian leather chair in their finest $4000 semi-formal dress, watching as dozens of rare coconutoilflies (they’re better than butterflies, don’t worry about it) are released into the air. If those aren’t your plans for this weekend, then you’re obviously not attending Gwyneth Paltrow’s rumored wedding.
Gwyneth Paltrow has been with a number of famous men – Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Chris Martin – all relationships that seemed solid, normal, and boring. But after some come comments Gwyneth recently made about her fiancé Brad Falchuk, we shouldn’t be surprised to hear that all three of her past men now get ID’d while buying booze and lottery tickets. According to Gwyneth, Brad is her first “adult” relationship.
Remember before there was a new gruesome rape story everyday and clowning on at-home coffee ass douche hawker Gwyneth Paltrow was one of our favorite things (it falls between raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)? Those were heady times. Let’s resurrect that sort of feel-good reporting with a post on Gwyneth Paltrow getting engaged. She’s marrying American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk. Continue reading
If the rumors are true, then Gwyneth Paltrow might have an engagement ring (or “fidelity intention totem” as she calls it) on her finger from her boyfriend Brad Falchuk. And just to prove that Gwyneth Paltrow does both divorce and second marriages better than the rest of us, she gathered her ex-husband Chris Martin and her maybe secret fiancé for brunch yesterday.
Gwyneth Instagrammed the above picture yesterday with the caption: “Sunday brunch #modernfamily.” I know Gwyneth wants us to care that Chris Martin is sitting in the general vicinity of Brad Falchuk, but all I’m focused on is why the hell they’re sitting in front of a chalk board. Did Gwyneth treat them to brunch at a GOOP timeshare seminar? Does anyone know if Chris and Brad were treated to a piece of gluten-free tapioca toast smeared with raw coconut oil, but only if they sat through a 90-minute presentation about jade vagina eggs first?
I can’t be a total miser here; it’s nice that Gwyneth’s previous husband doesn’t seem to hate her next one. It’s a bit corny, but it’s miles better than the alternative (just ask Halle Berry). Even if both Chris and Brad look a little uncomfortable. Although Chris is probably all hunched up because his body isn’t used to being without a scarf for so long. He’s attempting to conserve heat before hypothermia sets in.