Category: Bond Shit

Sony Is Throwing $150 Million At Daniel Craig To Play James Bond Again

September 6, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, the always-truthful British literary periodical known as The Sun said that Bond producer Barbara Broccoli and the head bitches at Sony came up with a short list of actors who could possibly replace STAINS eyeball twin Daniel Craig if he really decides to hang up his tux for good. Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner, Charlie Hunnam, James Norton and Billy Elliot were all on that short list, according to The Sun. But well, the always-truthful American literary periodical known as Radar claims that the head bitches at Sony aren’t even thinking about touching that short list and are instead sending dump trucks full of gold bars to Daniel Craig’s house, because they really, really want him back. Those around Tom Hiddleston better brace their eardrums, because I have a feeling that the internal scream he’s been holding in for months is going to come shooting out of his mouth when he finds out that he dad-danced at a Selena Gomez concert and played patty cake with Taylor Swift’s cats for NOTHING!

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Tom Hiddleston’s Bond Dreams Might Not Be Over Just Yet

August 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Praise be to the publicity stunt relationship gods up above! Unless it’s an emergency, don’t count on being able to reach Tom Hiddleston anytime in the next 24 hours. He’s going to be busy saying 1000 Hail Taylors on the James Bond rosary he made from threading a dozen martini olives onto a black bow tie.

Earlier this month, author Frederick Forsyth claimed that a source had told him that there was “no way” Bond producer Barbara Broccoli was going to pick Tom Hiddleston as Daniel Craig’s replacement. But according to Express UK, Frederick’s source was wrong. They say that Barbara Broccoli hasn’t completely crossed Tom’s name off her list.

Since he’s still got a chance, Tom has reportedly been trying to show everyone that he can do it. A source tells Express UK that he’s been trying to prove that he’s as tough as Daniel Craig by performing some of his own stunts on the set of Thor: Ragnarok. The source adds that when Tom isn’t being Taylor Swift’s boyfriend in the US, he’s “subtly campaigning” for the role by running, lifting weights, and hanging around the stunt department on the Australian set.

Did that source even have to specify that he’s being subtle? Why, “Subtle” is practically his middle name. You know, I’d hate for all that subtlety to go over Barbara Broccoli’s head. If he really wants to get the message across, he should probably start showing up to set in a tuxedo with his head poking out of a giant cardboard cutout of the inside of a gun barrel.

Here’s Tom looking like Loki in Richard Lewis drag on the set of Thor 3  with a Thor-ed up Chris Hemsworth this past weekend.

Pics: Splash

Tom Hiddleston Really Could Be The Next James Bond

May 27, 2016 / Posted by:

The vaginas of Tumblr are collectively shaking. Just like how James Bond prefers his martinis.

There was a rumor that Daniel Craig was offered $100 million to play Bond two more times, but he turned down that offer, because he’s completely over wearing a tux and fake fucking Bond Girls. Or he turned it down because he has realized that money is the root of all evil and he’s giving his entire fortune away to charity before he begins his pure life in a nudist colony in the middle of the forest somewhere. If that’s the case, I’ll also be giving away my fortune (of a raggedy She-Ra action figure and a checking account with a negative balance) to join him.

But really, the site Birth. Movies. Death claims that producers have seriously begun talking to Tom Hiddleston about taking over as Bond. Shit is so serious that Tom isn’t in beginners talks, or even in intermediate talks. He’s in ADVANCED talks with producers.

Choosing words carefully, our source confirms that while talks have indeed taken place, and that Hiddleston very much wants the job (a fact of which he’s made no secret), no official offer has been made – yet.

B.M.D. thinks that either Daniel Craig has definitely hung up his Bond swim chonies for good and the role is open. Or they think that producers are talking to other actors so that Daniel Craig realizes they’re looking to replace him and signs another contract. You know, kind of like the time when you wanted to get your ex-piece to take you back, so you tried to make him jealous by showing up to the club with a hot Craigslist hustler you paid to hump on you? What? Just me? Okay.

If any of this is true, then Idris Elba is being robbed, which is very “street” of those producers.

The producers probably want Tom Hiddleston, because they know that if they include at least one scene where he exposes his ass cheeks, they’ll make $1 billion in one weekend. All of the Hiddlestoners will watch and pay to see every screening until their coochies explode, and even then, they’ll just slap a Band-Aid on it and watch the next screening. There’s also reports that Jamie Bell is in talks to play Bond. Idris Elba is my only real choice for Bond, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Billy Elliot either. I mean, imagine how Billy Elliot would stun his enemies with his jazz hands and fly kicks? Dance, Bond, dance!


Daniel Craig Might Have Turned Down $100 Million To Play James Bond In Two More Movies

May 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a million dollars, let alone one hundred million dollars, but there isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do for a million dollars. Hell, there isn’t a lot I wouldn’t do for $1000. (The many times I considered volunteering for sketchy drug trials that I found on Craigslist can vouch for me on that one.) Well, there are apparently some things Daniel Craig won’t do for $100 million, and one of those might be doing anymore James Bond movies.

Daniel Craig has played Bond in four films (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, Spectre), but according to The Daily Mail, he’s done. Sources say that Daniel was offered £68 million (roughly $100 million) to make two more Bond movies, but he turned it down. The reason being that Daniel is no longer interested in looking intensely while wearing an expensive suit and firing a gun. The source says:

“Daniel is done – pure and simple – he told top brass at MGM after Spectre. They threw huge amounts of money at him, but it just wasn’t what he wanted. He had told people after shooting that this would be his final outing, but the film company still felt he could come around after Spectre if he was offered a money deal.”

Naturally, Gossip Cop is calling bullshit on the Daily Mail. They say that Daniel hasn’t officially turned down anything, adding that “no decision has been made.BBC Entertainment says that “authoritative Bond sources” tell them that Daniel Craigs hasn’t made a decision, adding that a decision probably won’t happen for a while.

Last year, Daniel told Time Out that he’d rather “slash his wrists” than play James Bond a fifth time, and that the only reason he’d do it is for the money. I guess $50 million per film wasn’t the kind of money Daniel had in mind. Which is crazy, because how much money does he want? Doesn’t he realize that the more zeroes on his paycheck means less money for everything else? Getting paid $1 billion means shit when the movie’s wardrobe is provided by Burlington Coat Factory, the theme song is sung by the guy from Wham! who isn’t George Michael, and your Bond Girl is the only person in the UK willing to work for “exposure“, Rita Ora.



Behold, The New Bond Girls

December 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, that should be a picture of Phoebe Price and Angelyne. Maybe the Bond producers will get it right one day.

Nearly everything about the 24th Bond movie was announced at a press conference at Pinewood Studios in London this morning. I say “nearly,” because they didn’t say who’s doing the theme song. The rumor is that it’s going to be Sam Smith, but I’d bet my weed money that it’s going to be Majela ZeZe Diamond. 2015 will finally be her year.

Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (who is my favorite producer because she has a name like a VeggieTales character) and director Sam Mendes announced that the newest Bond movie will be called Spectre and it will be released on November 6, 2015. Shooting will start on Monday and they’ll shoot in London, Mexico City, the Austrian Alps and Morocco. Bond’s car of choice will be the Aston Martin DB10. Daniel Craig will of course be back as Bond and joining his ass again will be Naomie Harris as Eve, Ben Wishaw as Q and Ralph Fineass as the new M. The Bond newbies are Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Andrew Scott from Sherlock and Dave Bautista.

Some tricks said that Andrew Scott will play the villain, but that might not be true. It was announced that Andrew Scott will be an M15 agent. Christoph Waltz is probably playing Bond’s arch rival Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Of course Christoph Waltz is the villain. He’s a Bond villain in real life. He’s also like Joan Collins. Joan Collins can never play poor just like Christoph Waltz can never play good. Dave Bautista is playing some henchman and the Bond girls will be Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. The Daily Mail points out that at 50 years old, Monica Bellucci is the most seasoned Bond girl of all time. STAINS’ hunky British human cousin Daniel Craig is 46.

The role is especially poignant for the actress – she almost played Paris Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies in 1997, only to lose out on the role to Teri Hatcher.

The raven-haired beauty – who will play Lucia Sciarra – said: ‘James Bond is our fantasy – the ideal man. The man is a protector, he is dangerous, mysterious and sexy, and a perfect English gentleman.

Monica Bellucci is 50. SHE’S FIF-TEE! I’m guessing that Spectre is about Bond’s search for the kind of virgin blood that Lucia Sciarra smears on her face. But more importantly, what happened in 1996? Was there some kind of gas leak in the offices of the Bond producers that caused them to go crazy in the brains and cast Teri Hatcher over Monica Bellucci? At least Monica’s time has finally come. I’ll say what you say to yourself when your drunk piece finally busts one after 45 minutes of you giving him a hand job: Better late than never!


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