Well, if we’re going to talk about the medieval turd that is the latest King Arthur movie, we may as well do it in between looking at Charlie Hunnam’s nipples.
Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: Legend of the Sword had a production budget of $175 million. That doesn’t include the money that was spent to pimp it out, and it also doesn’t include the bottles of Valium that Warner Bros. publicists swallowed down every time Charlie Hunnam said dumb shit in an interview. King Arthur opened this past weekend and more people wanted to pay to see Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn looking like Johnny Depp-levels of stanky than see Charlie Hunnam in leather. It bombed bad, and based on the reviews, it made some say, “Maybe that dried dingle wasn’t THAT bad,” while thinking about the King Arthur movie with Clive Owen and Keira Knightley.
Those of us hos from the 80s who were planning to meet with lawyers this morning to discuss suing Universal Pictures for viciously defaming the image of Jem by turning her into an annoying ABC Family movie character, don’t even have to bother. Universal got their punishment, because Jem and the Holograms was an even bigger flop than everyone predicted.
Box Office Mojo says that the entire US box office looked like the inside of a backed-up toilet in a Taco Bell bathroom. It was a complete shit show. The Last Witch Hunter, Rock the Kasbah, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and Steve Jobs (which opened in wide release) all ended up in the sewer. But the biggest sinking turd was Jem. Some box office expert types guessed that Jem would make around $5 million in its opening weekend, but when tumbleweeds swept into the theaters showing it on Thursday night, they figured it would make $3 million. It didn’t even make half that. It brought in $1.32 million in 2,413 theaters, making it one of the biggest wide-release bombs in box office history. In this GIF, Pizzazz is playing the part of the box office and Lin-Z is playing the part of the Jem movie.
Buzzfeed says that Jem made $547 per theater for the entire weekend and that earned it the title of the third worst opening weekend ever for a first-run movie debuting in more than 2,000 theaters. Only the 2008 cartoon movie Delgo (whatever that is) and 2012’s Oogieloves did worse. But unlike those two flops, Jem was released by a major studio. If you want to know what the weekend’s box office looked like, just Google “a picture of a pile of poop.” Or look at this:
1. The Martian – $15,900,000
2. Goosebumps – $15,500,000
3. Bridge of Spies – $11,365,000
4. The Last Witch Hunter – $10,825,000
5. Hotel Transylvania 2 – $9,000,000
6. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension – $8,200,000
7. Steve Jobs – $7,270,000
8. Crimson Peak – $5,560,000
9. The Intern – $3,855,000
10. Sicario – $2,950,000
11. Woodlawn – $2,550,000
12. Pan – $2,540,000
13. Rock The Kasbah – $1,509,816
14. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials – $1,425,000
15. Jem and the Holograms – $1,320,000
Maybe this will finally teach Hollywood that bad things happen when you ruin childhoods by turning a beloved classic into something that has nothing to do with the original story. Yeah, right. I’m sure those evil bitches will announce that they’re rebooting Beverly Hills Teens as a “sci-fi mystery adventure” titled Calabasas Teens, which will star the Smith kids.
That’s still $10 million more than I thought it would make.
Aloha (aka that shitty-looking Cameron Crowe movie that Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone and Rachel McAdams probably only did because they wanted to live in Hawaii for a few months) was the sinking turd of the box office this weekend. Aloha cost $37 million and it brought in only $10 million. This is pretty much the opposite of shocking since Sony barely did any promo for it and during the whole Sony Hack mess, Amy Pascal made it clear in several emails that Aloha makes about as much sense as a metal spiked dildo and is “ridiculous.” They should’ve known that Aloha wouldn’t end well as soon as Emma Stone was cast as a woman named Allison Ng who is a quarter Hawaiian, a quarter Chinese and a quarter Swedish. The Swedish part must have eaten the Chinese and Hawaiian parts.
Aloha came in 6th at the US box office this weekend. This is what the top 10 looked like:
1. San Andreas – $53.2 million
2. Pitch Perfect 2 – $14.4 million
3. Tomorrowland – $14 million
4. Mad Max: Fury Road – $13.6 million
5. Avengers: Age of Ultron – $11 milion
6. Aloha – $10 million
7. Poltergeist – $7.8 million
8. Far from the Madding Crowd – $1.4 million
9. Hot Pursuit – $1.37 million
10. Home – $1.2 million
I almost went to see Aloha yesterday, because I love a good piece of trash, but I cherish the tiny piece of dignity I have left (haha, like I have any dignity left) and knew it would disappear as soon as I said the words: “One for Aloha please!” So I went to see San Andreas instead and spent most of the movie thinking that The Rock should really take that helicopter to the Maury show, because Laurie Lewis from All My Children playing his and Carla Gugino’s daughter doesn’t really make sense in the genetics department.
But I am looking forward to watching Aloha when it eventually makes its basic cable debut on Lifetime (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next week), because reviews like this one sold me:
“Aloha isn’t horrible, but it does have a pitiable odor about it, like a dog that’s sat too long on the beach.”