ESCANDALO (Not Really): Giada De Laurentiis’ New Man Is Still Married

FYI: Giada De Laurentiis’ new piece is the guy on the right. The guy on the left, who sort of looks like Bill Nye drawn as a Doug character, is apparently her brother Igor.

Giada De Laurentiis is legally free from her ex-husband Todd Thompson and she’s already moved on to a new dude, TV producer Shane Farley. Just a couple of days ago, Shane was named as Giada’s current full-time fuck partner and not only was it news (for lack of a better word) to all of us, but it was news to his estranged wife too. Page Six says that Shane is still legally married to personal trainer Jennifer Giamo. Shane filed for divorce in Manhattan back in March. E! said that Shane and Giada first got tingly for each other in 2013 when he was supposed to produce a show starring her and Bobby Flay. They were, of course, both still very married in 2013. Giada’s rep claims that they didn’t start dating until August. But well, someone is definitely blowing farts in our faces, because Page Six says that Shane moved into Giada’s $6 million Pacific Palisades, CA mansion very shortly after filing for divorce.

Shane’s estranged wife Jennifer is apparently upset over finding out through the media that he moved on to the Italian-American lollipop. Jennifer’s lawyer even released a statement to let us all know how upset she is:

“My client is devastated by what she has learned through the tabloids . . . ‘Hurtful’ would be a mild characterization. They’re just in the middle of it.”

I hate everyone involved in this, because they’re making me think and I hate doing that. (“We can tell.” – anybody who reads this blog) If Shane moved to California shortly after filing for divorce in March, wouldn’t Jennifer have found out about him and Giada long before the news came out in E! earlier this week? Or maybe Jennifer is “devastated” because Shane told her he was moving to Los Angeles for work and she’s just finding out why he really moved? Hmmm.

The only reasonable conclusion I can come up with is that all of this is a front to distract us from what’s really going on. It’s a smoke cloud and behind that smoke cloud is the sight of Giada and Bobby Flay having Tweety Bird and Howdy Doody sex. Open your eyes, everyone! Actually, no, close them, because nobody needs to see that.

Pic: Instagram

Giada De Laurentiis Doesn’t Want To Be Bobby Flay’s Full-Time Chorizo Wrangler

Because the first rule of the internet is: “If you think it exists, it does“, there’s no doubt in my mind that there’s definitely some Food Network fanfic out there starring toothy par-meeeeee-ganno hustler Giada de Laurentiis and alleged cheater chef Bobby Flay. With that being said, I’m sure if I look hard enough I could rustle up some barf-making fanfic featuring the jacked plank-roasted salmon filet that is Robert Irvine and the sloppy dirtbag who hosts Chopped Canada, but I love my gag reflex too much to do that, so I won’t (but, you know, you have my email address, so….).

What I’m trying to get at here is that those fanfic stories of Giada rolling her Rs against Bobby’s fire-grilled chorizo will only ever stay stories. Giada recently admitted during an appearance on Watch What Happens Live (via Page Six) that she would never date Bobby Flay. Andy Cohen claims there are people out there who want to see the hosts of The Next Food Network Star get together, and the timing is right, since they both dumped their decade-long marriages in the trash within five months of each other. But it’s not going to happen. Why? Because Giada is too smart for that shit, apparently.

“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”

Giada then explained that she’d never date another chef, because she “knows better.” She added:

“I’m one of them. I know better.”

I’ve never been a chef or dated a chef, so I have no idea what she means by that. Is it a common stereotype that chefs are a bunch of low-down dirty slutbags who will “generously season” anything that moves? Is every chef like that? Good lord, I hope not; it’s too early in the EVER to picture a horny Mario Batali hanging an orange Croc on the doorknob of a walk-in fridge.

Pic: Wenn.com

Bobby Flay And Stephanie March’s Wreck Of A Divorce Fight Has Ended “Amicably”

Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s legal fight never reached Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of fucking insane, but it got close thanks to them fighting over a fake tit job gone wrong, a damn racehorse and much, much more. Stephanie accused Bobby in court papers of sticking his ginger rod in January Jones’ ice box and in his assistant. If Bobby and Stephanie’s divorce fight was an opera, the gorgeous aria was the “CHEATER” banner that decorated the skies during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Well, their divorce fight foolery is over now, because Bobby and Stephanie somehow came to an agreement and their 10 years marriage is officially done. The prenup stated that Stephanie gets $5,000 a month in spousal support for 5 years and she wanted more. TMZ says that Stephanie most likely got more than $5,000 a month, because Bobby probably wanted to avoid having the adventures of his wandering dick aired out in court. They farted out this joint statement to People:

“We have come to an amicable divorce settlement. We look forward to putting this difficult time behind us, and we ask that you respect our privacy as we move forward.”

Hmmm… Something in the milk ain’t clean about that statement. Amicable? Them? HA! People says that they released that statement together, but why do I have a feeling that one of them wrote it while standing over the other one’s dead body?

Good Morning, Here’s Bobby Flay Flaying The Beat With His Hot Moves

Bobby Flay is in the middle of a messy, sloppy diarrhea puddle of a divorce fight with his estranged wife Stephanie March, but he took a break from throwing shit at her to lay down some piping hot charbroiled moves yesterday. Someone sent Gawker a short clip of the overgrown cooking leprechaun breaking it down to Big Pun’s “Still Not a Player” at a Puerto Rican Day Parade party in NYC. Bobby Flay grooving to a Big Pun song at a Puerto Rican Day Parade party is the universe’s way of telling us that strange shit happens every single day in this world.

You better line your panties with Bounty, the quicker picker-upper, because Bobby Flay showing off the moves that gets him all the coochie will do things to your down low parts (and by “things” I mean either give you the moist tingles if you’re into that sort of thing or make you piss while laughing). Git it, Bobby!

Gawker says that the lady in the blue jumpsuit serving up some level 1 Elaine Benes moves was Bobby’s date. What’s most surprising about that clip is that a person wearing an airplane costume didn’t walk behind Bobby while holding up a giant sign that read: “THIS CHEATING SLUT IS STILL A PLAYER.”

And I bet Bobby and Stephanie’s divorce lawyers dance like that at the end of the night after adding up their billable hours for the day.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Stephanie March Had Nothing To Do With That Flying “CHEATER” Banner, So Says Stephanie March

You can stop engraving Stephanie March’s name on the “Well, Played” trophy, because she is not taking credit for ruining her estranged husband Bobby Flay’s big day by paying a plane to fly a banner with the word “CHEATER” on it during the ceremony for his Hollywood Walk of Fame star. Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day, because you know, they just hand those out to anyone who has the cash. (Well, not anyone.) While Bobby burped up some words at the podium, a gorgeous flying bitch slap decorated the sky above him.

Stephanie March and Bobby Flay are currently shanking each other in a messy, sloppy, ridiculous divorce war. Bobby wants to give Stephanie $5,000 a month in alimony and Stephanie thinks she deserves a whole lot more. So naturally, some figured that if you took out a pair of binoculars and looked at the plane, you’d see Stephanie cackling while flipping Bobby off below. But Stephanie’s lawyer tells UsWeekly that she had nothing to do with it:

“Stephanie is absolutely not behind [this],” her attorney, Deborah Lans, tells Us Weekly in a statement.

Hiring a plane to fly a “CHEATER” banner over your cheating ex’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony is a lot like sleeping with me: one will never admit it and will take it to their grave. If Stephanie did it, she’s not going to come clean. But I don’t think she did, because I don’t think she’d fuck with her money like that. Besides, I’d like to think that she’d be a little more subtle with her acts of revenge. She’d get back at him by putting a racehorse’s head in his bed or she’d sneak into his kitchen and sprinkle laxative powder on the 100 pounds of corn he keeps in his pantry since he puts corn in everything. (Yes, the image of the aftermath of eating laxative corn just pooped into my head and that image could scare Satan.)

Hmmm… So I wonder who on this Earth, besides Stephanie March, would pull such a beautifully cunty stunt like that. I wonder….

Pics: Wenn.com, Maxim

It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s Revenge At Its Finest!

When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.

The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.

A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?

Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com