Category: Blind Items
Blind Item: Which “Incredibly Famous Young Woman” Does Stephen Amell Think Is An “Overly Sexualized Velociraptor”?
Stephen Amell, the dude from Arrow on The CW, had breakfast in L.A. last Tuesday with his wife Cassandra Jean and their 1-year-old daughter Mavi. Everything was all pancakes and rainbows until an “emotional terrorist” walked into the restaurant and Stephen had to clutch his pearls, cover his daughter’s eyes with a Bible and quickly rush his family to the nearest church to dip their eyeballs in holy water after seeing that dark-sided slutty dinosaur. Stephen wrote on Facebook (via ONTD) about how he left a restaurant because he didn’t want his daughter to make eye contact with an “overly sexualized velociraptor.”
Had breakfast on Tuesday in Los Angeles with my wife and daughter. In the midst of marveling at how she’s able to eat pancakes intended for fully grown humans while weighing less than 25 pounds… An incredibly famous young woman came in with her sort of (not really) famous boyfriend. I immediately tensed because I consider this person – as the father of a young girl – to be nothing short of an emotional terrorist. My wife senses this and asks me what’s wrong. I respond that we need to leave immediately for fear my kid and this overly sexualized velociraptor make eye contact even for the briefest of instances. I was dead serious. This is what it’s like to have a daughter.
Even though he said “overly sexualized velociraptor” and not “overly sexualized hillbilly chipmunk,” I’m going to guess Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger?
Overreact: This is how you do it. Dude needs to be fitted for a crown, because he’s the fragile dramatic queen of fragile dramatic queens. I don’t think his 1-year-old even know who Miley Cyrus is. Besides, it’s not like Miley was on top of a table fucking herself with a rolled-up pancake as Patrick poured maple syrup all over her naked body. (Or was she? You never know with Miley.) Nothing is really worth abandoning delicious pancakes for.
I mean, if Billy Ray was with Miley, then I’d totally understand Stephen’s reaction. Because no child should have to look at the possum carcass on Billy Ray’s head.
And “overly sexualized velociraptor” is my new favorite dinosaur. I hope it’s in the next Jurassic Park movie.
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
While whoring out his new book on Ellen, Mario Lopez talked about the pop star he boned in Las Vegas a few years ago:
“You also admit that you had a one-night stand with a major pop star,” DeGeneres questioned.
“Well, yeah,” Lopez confessed, confirming that the rendezvous took place in Las Vegas. “I’m trying not to give too much away without giving too much away… it was maybe six or seven years ago… eight years ago?”
The Extra host when on to add that he and his former flame are still “friendly,” but refused to answer if he had interviewed the unnamed singer in the years since they slept together.
DeGeneres went on to throw out a few names as possibilities for the woman, guessing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Celine Dion. Lopez shot back, joking, “Barbra Streisand!” (UsWeekly)
Lance Bass? Jordan Knight? JC Chasez? Clay Aiken? Barry Manilow? Definitely Barry Manilow. Who wouldn’t get on Barry? He probably sings a few bars of “Could It Be Magic” before he busts one. Or maybe Brit Brit Spears? Mario Lopez is a suppository with dimples, but he’s an upgrade from KFed. “Rub your Cheetos clit all over that uncut Mexico chorizo!” – me to 2006 Brit Brit
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
His attraction for her is understandable. Her attraction for him? Not all that clear, really. Unless size really does matter? For me, no. Size can be uncomfortable. For her, clearly a selling feature. Because she’s been going around telling her friends about it. And her nickname for him, which she hasn’t been shy about sharing, is “Monster Cock“. Which is flattering, I guess, if you’re in college or Vegas. But it’s probably a little immature and maybe even a little disrespectful, all things considered. (Lainey Gossip)
It’s not Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean, because I don’t think anybody wonders what she sees in him. It’s obvious what she sees in him (PEEEEN). If anything, people are wondering what Big Sean sees in an off-brand Bratz doll that’s been possessed by the devil. It’s not Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin, because the chick in the blind item is telling friends that he “has” a monster cock, not “is” a monster cock. I’ll guess Sean Penn and Charlize Theron. Sean looks like he has a big, scary, veiny dick that can easily pass for a vile meat weasel from King Kong and Charlize is definitely suffering from stage 4 dickmatization.
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
She started out as a song girl, then acted, keeps trying to do both. At the beginning it was promising but mostly, over the last few years, it’s been a series of disappointments. Personally though, she seemed to have it together. A steady relationship, a solid commitment, no drama…
Or maybe it’s because we weren’t paying attention.
She and her playing partner have been having problems for a while. They’ve been trying hard to work it out. But that might not turn out so well if she finds out that he hooked up with a much more successful song girl, someone with a similar early sound and origin, though that’s evolving now. Despite her many changes, contrived or organic, this was probably not the intended image. (Lainey Gossip)
Not Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande Latte, because that guess became null and void at “steady relationship.” Not Mimi, Nick Cannon and Ariana Grande Latte, because Glitter was only “promising” to those of us who live for pink rhinestone-encrusted dried turds. My guess is Mandy Moore, Ryan Adams and that strawberry tart-making, pussy-carrying, home wrecking Holly Hobbie tramp trollop Taylor Swift? I did throw a side-eye at “much more successful song girl.” Mandy Moore will always stand on her tip toes at the highest point of the A-list because of “In My Pocket.”
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
This wealthy and famous actor/director/etc. is privately talking about how happy he is that he is going to be a father for the first time. However, the situation is not exactly what it appears to be!
It is true that his girlfriend is pregnant. It is also true that she is carrying his baby. However, it would be more accurate to call her his “girlfriend.” She conceived using his sperm, but they did not have sex. She is basically a combination of beard and surrogate… and is being paid very handsomely to fulfill both roles!
Given how rich, famous and powerful he is, it would be a real coup for the gay community for him to come out. However, a painful childhood causes him to be very secretive about his personal life. For better or worse, do not expect him to come out anytime soon. (Blind Gossip)
This item has 20/20 vision. It’s the opposite of blind. Tyler Perry? A few blogs have said that Tyler Perry supposedly announced that he’s going to be a father at his huge, fancy 45th birthday party over the weekend. Media TakeOut (so swallow this with several grains of salt) says that Tyler didn’t only come out as a future father at his birthday party, he also came flying out of the closet and told all his friends that he’s gay. Whatever the case may be and if this is true, then congratulations to that baby. Yes, that baby will have to suffer a bit by sitting through its daddy’s movies, but it’ll also have OPRAH as an auntie/godmother. And yes, that baby will have to learn how to sleep with its eyes open while Tia Oprah gives one of her life lectures full of sanctimonious words of wisdom, but she’ll probably take it shopping for pony farms and small countries afterward.
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
Our sexy TV actress seems to have quickly rebounded from a bitter breakup with her longtime beau. But her new hunky man isn’t as perfect as she wants us to believe. The problem: he has the body of a Greek god, but between the sheets, his personal equipment is only so-so. What’s a girl to do? Behind his back this actress is still shacking up with her well endowed ex. (Janet Charlton)
Sofia Vergara, Joe ManJello and that leaky Diva Cup known as Nick Loeb? In my mind, Joe ManJello is Big Dick Richie and his dick is so big that it can lift 300 pounds and it eats 4 pounds of raw steak daily. But if there’s a sliver of truth to this blind item, then who cares? He’s Joe ManJello! Who cares if his erect peen is about as big as an Ikea wooden dowel. Make that shit work. I’m sure his fingers are 9 inches and girthy, and if not, throw a strap-on on him. He’s Joe ManJello!