Kaley Cuoco was on Vogue.com’s Sad Hot Girls series, and told a story about how she dumped a famous actor for being a cheapskate. We all know Kaley Cuoco has that Big Bang Theory money, so I’m sure there’s a lot of people judging her for judging someone else’s lack of tipping, but this story actually happened when she was 19 years old. Kaley calls the guy “John,” because if she said his real name, “you’d know who he is.”
Tiffany Haddish either gives 0.0000 fucks about Beyonce threatening her with an NDA in song, or in that selfie above, Beyonce is whispering into her ear, “Now, I’m going to need you to tell everyone about that cracked out home wrecking trollop trying to get with my man, and I’m going to act like I’m mad about you spilling it, but keep on, keep on…” Because Tiffany has more to say about the messy night she met Beyonce.
Tiffany already said that Beyonce kept her from whooping the ass of a trick who was trying to become Jay-Z’s latest side piece, and now she’s telling GQ that the trick was on drugs and took a bite out of Bey. Whoever that cracked out actress is, she better start begging for the authorities to let her into the BPP (Beyhive Protection Program), because if there’s one thing that the Beyhive has (besides a crazed undying love for Beyonce), it’s the time needed to track down the evil doer who stabbed their Jesus in the face with her teeth.
Since everyone in this story goes by a variation of the anonymous “Doe“, I thought I’d lead with a picture of a doe. My apologies to Bambi’s mom.
According to TMZ, a lawsuit has been filed recently by a former personal assistant to a famous celebrity. The lawsuit includes accusations of sexual battery, assault, and exposure to HIV. How hard do we think Charlie Sheen’s publicist started sweating after hearing about it?
The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
Tall piece of Irish hotness Liam Neeson did an interview with The Irish Independent to promote a TV documentary he narrates and the subject of whose sugar walls are getting mashed by his long banger came up. It’s been 6 years since Liam Neeson lost his wife Natasha Richardson and he understandably says that it’s still a really sore subject and the grief will always be there. But Liam got happier while talking about Valentine’s Day and his new piece. No, the interviewer didn’t ask Liam about Valentine’s Day right after talking about him losing his wife. They had tact and talked about other stuff in between. I think.
But anyway, Liam was asked about his Valentine’s Day plans and also asked if he’s regularly blowing out the same coochie with his Irish ham sub sandwich peen. Liam said that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman.
“I’ll send out a few bunches of flowers to various people and I usually just say ‘from an Irish admirer’.” Is he involved with anyone? “Yes, but I’d embarrass her if I said her name, she’s incredibly famous. I’ll have to do my best for her. It’s amazing how far a simple bunch of freshly picked flowers will go in a lady’s life, I find.”
There’s not many people I’d call “incredibly famous,” so that easily narrows it down to these 10 women who are more famous than famous.
The Snapple Lady
La Toya Jackson
The Roses Lady of West Hollywood
But seriously, there is an easy way to figure out who Liam Neeson’s incredibly famous girlfriend is. All we have to do is keep our eyes open for a famous lady who walks bow-legged, has to constantly hold onto her crotch to keep her vagina from falling out and has a hunchback because a big Irish dick broke her spine. I mean, we all have that GIF of Liam’s swinging crotch vine saved onto our desktops forever. Since it is a NSFW classic and never gets old I’ve thrown it up after the cut.