You know that exactly 0.3 seconds after that headline was released to the world, all four Jacksons in the picture above received a “Hey, what’s up?” text from cash-sniffing bloodhound Jermaine Jackson.
Last year it was reported that Michael Jackson’s Estate has made $2 billion since moonwalking his way up to Heaven back in 2009. Now TMZ is saying we can go ahead and change that number to “nearly $3 billion.” Sony has recently announced that they’re buying Michael Jackson’s share of Sony/ATV Music Publishing for $750 million. Since MJ is dead, all the money goes to his estate, which benefits his children, Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, and his momma, Katherine Jackson.
The reason for that huge-ass payout is because Michael Jackson owned 50% of Sony/ATV. That’s also where that whole “Michael Jackson owns The Beatles’ music catalog” thing came from. Not only did MJ make money off The Beatles, but he also owned 50% of the publishing rights to many other famous songs, including “New York, New York“, “Moon River“, “Jailhouse Rock“, and the Mission: Impossible theme. Sony/ATV has gone on to become the largest music publishing company in the world, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to keep handing over half of their profits to a person who has been dead for almost 7 years.
Along with a $750 million check, Michael Jackson’s estate will also get to keep all the songs he wrote and a bunch of others that he purchased while he was still alive.
Obviously at least a third of that money should be reinvested into La Toya Jackson’s…whatever she wants it for, really (don’t ask questions). But whatever is left over should be used to spend as they wish. Since Sony/ATV just turned the Jackson kids from “fucking super rich” to “really fucking super rich“, I think they should use some of that cash to change their names to reflect that. Prince Michael should change his to King, Paris can upgrade to France, and Blanket can now go by Cashmere Throw.
Gabriel Aubry is skipping and whistling through
Whole Paycheck Whole Foods this morning buying anything and everything he wants now that he’s got a lump sum of cash from Halle Berry in his checking account. Gabriel thinks he’s living that life and thinks that the most lucrative career in the world is being Halle Berry’s glorified sperm donor. But I hate to break it to Gabriel, getting pulled out of Debbie Rowe’s vagine is way more lucrative than making a baby with the worst Catwoman ever.
Page Six says that when Michael Jackson was alive, he would literally give his kids stacks of cash, totaling $20,000, to buy whatever they wanted. When you were a kid, you’d skip into 7-Eleven and buy a candy bar and some chicles. The Jackson kids skip into 7-Eleven and buy the 7-Eleven. Nothing has changed. The Jackson kids still have money coming out of their ear holes. The Jackson kids were getting $5 million a year from the Michael Jackson Estate, but since the estate keeps making more money thanks to their constant whoring of Michael Jackson’s image, the kids got a raise in their allowance. Blanket, Paris and Prince Michael Jackson split $8 million a year and that’s in addition to the $1 million Katherine Jackson gets for taking care of them.
A small piece of that money goes to their schooling and the rest goes to whatever they want it to go to. Some source (Bubbles, you blabbing bitch) says that 17-year-old Prince Michael has spent more than $50,000 in gifts on his girlfriends and the kids all take yearly trips to Hawaii and Las Vegas together. The source also said that Blanket shares the wealth and regularly treats his cousins to dinner at the finest restaurants. This next round of root beer pitchers at Chuck E. Cheese is on Blanket!
While he enjoys the personal chef at the Jackson family’s $26,500-a-month rented mansion in Calabasas, Calif., he regularly dials his cousins and treats them to dinner at trendy restaurants before taking in a movie. The tab: usually about $500 plus tips.
“These things that they’re doing they are mostly paying for themselves, with their own money. Look, they also get $15,000 to $20,000 every month just in walking-around money. No one else has that kind of dough around here,” one source said.
“This is why you have had so much of the fighting going on in the family. But the battles have calmed since their uncles have finally found consistent work and everyone has pretty much left [Katherine] alone about money.”
The source also added that while Michael Jackson loved to throw around money and spend it on shit like solid gold-covered mummies and gold fillings that were once in King Tut’s mouth, his kids are a little more frugal. Prince Michael is saving a huge chunk of his money even though he and his brother and sister will eventually inherit all of their dad’s estate which is worth $2 billion now.
When I was Blanket Jackson’s age I got $20 every other week for chores and if the Real Housewives of Atlanta was on back then, I’d be screaming (in the voice of NeNe Leakes), “I got that Trump check!” Yes, $2.6 million is way more money that most of us will ever see (unless “binge watching Orange is the New Black while eating chicharones” suddenly becomes a high-paying job), but it’s not that much cash to the Jackson kids. Keeping Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane luxurious costs. Hair cream made from dolphin placenta isn’t just some shit you can buy at Sally’s Beauty.
And here’s the Hope Diamond of the Jackson family doing stuff in NYC the other day while flashing the understated and tasteful diamond ring that her fiancé Jeffre Phillips gave her. If you’re wondering where she got the cash to pay for that huge ass ring, the answer lies in the empty platinum-plated freezer in Blanket’s bedroom that used to have rolls of hundreds in it.
In news that makes me want to scream, “RUUUUUN, BLANKET, RUUUUN, LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY,” Joe Jackson’s pimp hand starts to get the tingles in a trailer for a new documentary about Michael Jackson. The documentary titled Remembering Michael (working title: Remember Who Pays Our Bills, Still) is being put together by Katherine Jackson and she’s looking to raise $3.2 million to finish it. Katherine says she’s releasing it as a tribute to Michael and she’s also releasing it because the Jacksons love MOOOONAAAAY.
Michael already got a tribute tour, tribute greatest hits CD, tribute reality show, tribute this, tribute that and I’m sure he’ll soon get a tribute wig line, tribute makeup line and tribute Jesus Juice line. So the trailer for this tribute documentary made me shrug and let out an “eh” until I saw that Satanic twinkle in Joe Jackson’s eyes as he talked about “training” Blanket Jackson to be the next Jackson money maker. Here’s the words that should cause Bubbles to snatch up Blanket and put that child in the Jackson Protection Program.
“They also say that there will never be a Michael Jackson. And I say that we already have one, but he just has to be trained. That kid is the spitting image of Michael when Michael was smaller.”
Blanket Jackson doesn’t really look like a young Michael Jackson to me, but then I tried to look at them both through Joe Jackson’s pimp eyes. When MJ was young, Joe Jackson saw him as a sparkly gold dollar sign and when he looks at Blanket he probably sees the same thing. So yeah, they do look exactly alike through Joe Jackson’s eyes! Joe Jackson may be a shady fart out of Lucifer’s ass, but he didn’t lie there.
And I hope that when Joe Jackson raises his pimp hand and commands Blanket to do the moonwalk, Blanket rolls his eyes, flips his luscious mane and says, “Nice try, girl, but I’m going to be a hair model. Good day.”
Here’s the trailer if you really need to heat Blanket Jackson speak and see Joe Jackson’s grizzled old bulldog face in motion.
While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie’s daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News’ cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I’ve ever seen.
A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn’t want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here’s a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn’t write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:
Hello, I’m Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.
I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It’s very stupid for people to think that.
But anyway, I am devastated that while I’ve been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I’m coming home to see about that, also.
So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children — and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them — and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don’t know who did that but they don’t have that power and they shouldn’t have done it.
And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it’s probably not healthy because the cook is not there.
But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they’re waiting for me to come.
And I told him it wasn’t necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. … I don’t know who instructed him to do that — but that’s what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who’s doing that and who’s behind that.
But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say … that I’m here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.
One reason I haven’t called is I just gave up my phone and I didn’t want to have any phone calls while I was here.
That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I’m legally required to take care of and didn’t tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they’re still breathing, that’s me trying to get them taken away from me so I don’t have to deal with their asses. I wouldn’t be devastated, I’d be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I’m staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.
I can’t blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson’s Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That’s almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.
Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson’s estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she’s coming back home.
TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ’s estate off their thrones and take over. Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn’t going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito’s son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ’s kids.
Radar says that after TJ made it clear he’s going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids’ legal caretaker.
Randy went on Al Sharpton’s MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson’s will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ’s sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ’s estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked “heaven,” all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won’t get shit.
The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, “You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!”
UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine’s guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!
And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson’s Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito’s son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she’s going to beat Rebbie’s ass in a game of Uno.
TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he’s expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson’s Estate and MJ’s kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we’re talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.
So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn’t in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson’s luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don’t say anything, but she’s deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don’t blow her cover!
UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ’s Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ’s will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn’t playing anymore and she’s so going to get him for this.