Right after the rumors came out that Miranda Lambert once again boned the wedding ring off of a married man, her ex-husband Blake Shelton decided he needed some attention and tweeted something about karma. The “high road” that Blake Shelton has been taking must be called Petty Bitch Blvd.
Been taking the high road for a long time.. I almost gave up. But I can finally see something on the horizon up there!! Wait!! Could it be?! Yep!! It’s karma!!
— Blake Shelton (@blakeshelton) April 25, 2018
That tweet was obviously about Miranda since while she was married to Blake, her crotch biscuit supposedly collected more side items than what’s on a Popeye’s menu (and his dick supposedly wandered into plenty of side snatches). But Blake talked about that tweet with both Extra and Entertainment Tonight, and says that people can think whatever they want and he doesn’t have time to worry about it. Yes, and he proved he doesn’t have time to worry about that tweet by talking about that tweet with anyone who put a mic in front of his talk hole.
Miranda Lambert has a new boyfriend, musician Evan Felker, and shortly after we found that out, she was accused of dating him while he was still with his wife. Those rumors were given some credibility by Evan’s estranged wife Staci Felker on social media. More people are talking, and that rumor about Miranda having zero respect for a thing called commitment just got louder.
It feels like ever since Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani got together back in 2015, any mention of their names is usually followed with a rumor that she’s mere moments from line-dancing down the aisle of a decorated barn to a ska version of Here Comes the Bride. That, or someone is screaming that she’ll soon be delivering Cracker Barrel’s newest customer. But Blake has said that marrying isn’t something he’s rushing into.
Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani have outlasted the most generous predictions of how long they’d be together. At the very least, I figured they’d hit the ceiling for maximum in-love levels and need a break from each other, but here we are more than two years later. And Gwen is still beaming at Blake like he’s the inventor of hair-safe peroxide.
Yesterday Gwen promoted her Christmas album, You Make It Feel Like Christmas, by appearing in a Facebook live video with Giada De Laurentiis for Williams-Sonoma. While making an apple pie, Gwen admits something that probably made Giada think, “Jesus, that’s cornier than my poh-LEN-taaahhhhh.” According to Gwen, not only do she and Blake sing in the kitchen, but they sing-talk all the time.
“We’re like we’re in a musical constantly and we just sing. We actually don’t talk to each other, we just sing like a musical and everything we sing is like ‘I love you,’ like it’s pretty much the whole time like how great we are.”
I know Gwen is half-joking here (I want to believe she’s 100% joking, but I’m not so sure). But I’m on board with singing instead of talking. Although there’s no love so unconditional that it could tolerate my tone-deaf singing. So maybe I’m just here for someone singing at me all the time. I’d appreciate a little melody while getting yelled at about taking care of the mountain of empty club soda cans next to my bed.
Well yeeeeeee-huh, I guess so? People has named human Skoal can Blake Shelton their Sexiest Man Alive for this year. Blake shares this award with his publicist, who one could argue is just as sexy, or even more so. Some say is it’s a turn-on to have the kind of commitment and dedicated work ethic that leads to winning a bogus beauty contest for someone like Blake Shelton.
It’s appropriate Blake Shelton’s initials are BS, because that’s what this news is. Unless you’re a Mountain Dew-chuggin’ twing-twang fan of the jolly jean-wearing giant, in which case BS stands for britches soaked. According to Gossip Cop, People will be name Gwen Stefani’s boyfriend as 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Gossip Cop says they’ve got it on good authority (aka Blake Shelton’s publicist got their phone number) that he will take the title from last year’s Sexiest Man Alive The Rock. People will announce their Sexiest Man tomorrow before the issue is released Wednesday. I’m sure this honor has nothing to do with the fact that Blake released his eleventh album, Texoma Shore, last week. Or the fact that he’s right in the middle of the 13th season of The Voice. It’s just because he’s the sexiest! An honor that I’m sure is calculated by the time it takes a horny 55 year old to mention how hunky his buns look in tight jeans.
2017 feels like a year-long prank pulled by a very bored Satan, so we shouldn’t be surprised that one of Trump’s possibly closeted fanboys would be named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. If he’s not too busy tweeting about how fat his enemies are on Wednesday, maybe Trump will congratulate Blake Shelton on his very sexy award. And the benefit to the rest of us is the knowledge that such a thing that will no doubt make uptight homophobe Mike Pence extremely uncomfortable around his boss for at least a week.