Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani have outlasted the most generous predictions of how long they’d be together. At the very least, I figured they’d hit the ceiling for maximum in-love levels and need a break from each other, but here we are more than two years later. And Gwen is still beaming at Blake like he’s the inventor of hair-safe peroxide.
Yesterday Gwen promoted her Christmas album, You Make It Feel Like Christmas, by appearing in a Facebook live video with Giada De Laurentiis for Williams-Sonoma. While making an apple pie, Gwen admits something that probably made Giada think, “Jesus, that’s cornier than my poh-LEN-taaahhhhh.” According to Gwen, not only do she and Blake sing in the kitchen, but they sing-talk all the time.
“We’re like we’re in a musical constantly and we just sing. We actually don’t talk to each other, we just sing like a musical and everything we sing is like ‘I love you,’ like it’s pretty much the whole time like how great we are.”
I know Gwen is half-joking here (I want to believe she’s 100% joking, but I’m not so sure). But I’m on board with singing instead of talking. Although there’s no love so unconditional that it could tolerate my tone-deaf singing. So maybe I’m just here for someone singing at me all the time. I’d appreciate a little melody while getting yelled at about taking care of the mountain of empty club soda cans next to my bed.
Well yeeeeeee-huh, I guess so? People has named human Skoal can Blake Shelton their Sexiest Man Alive for this year. Blake shares this award with his publicist, who one could argue is just as sexy, or even more so. Some say is it’s a turn-on to have the kind of commitment and dedicated work ethic that leads to winning a bogus beauty contest for someone like Blake Shelton.
It’s appropriate Blake Shelton’s initials are BS, because that’s what this news is. Unless you’re a Mountain Dew-chuggin’ twing-twang fan of the jolly jean-wearing giant, in which case BS stands for britches soaked. According to Gossip Cop, People will be name Gwen Stefani’s boyfriend as 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Gossip Cop says they’ve got it on good authority (aka Blake Shelton’s publicist got their phone number) that he will take the title from last year’s Sexiest Man Alive The Rock. People will announce their Sexiest Man tomorrow before the issue is released Wednesday. I’m sure this honor has nothing to do with the fact that Blake released his eleventh album, Texoma Shore, last week. Or the fact that he’s right in the middle of the 13th season of The Voice. It’s just because he’s the sexiest! An honor that I’m sure is calculated by the time it takes a horny 55 year old to mention how hunky his buns look in tight jeans.
2017 feels like a year-long prank pulled by a very bored Satan, so we shouldn’t be surprised that one of Trump’s possibly closeted fanboys would be named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. If he’s not too busy tweeting about how fat his enemies are on Wednesday, maybe Trump will congratulate Blake Shelton on his very sexy award. And the benefit to the rest of us is the knowledge that such a thing that will no doubt make uptight homophobe Mike Pence extremely uncomfortable around his boss for at least a week.
Well butter my biscuit and call me a punk star: the strangest match in all of Hollywood might be trying to spawn. Entertainment Tonight reports that Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are more in love than ever and now they’re trying to make a country-ska heir or heiress. Some source said:
“They are very committed to one another and this is a forever thing. However, more important to them right now is having a baby together. Gwen would love nothing more than to give Blake his first child.”
Blake apparently “loves” Gwen’s kids, which obviously makes him think he could have his own. Or, with their combined The Voice checking account, they can at least afford a fleet of the finest nannies! Blake has been coy about having a baby, but he did tell ET that being a judge on the talent show has brought out his paternal instinct:
“I never thought in a million years when I signed on to do that show that I would ever be so defensive when it comes to reading a blog or critique about one of my artists. [In the] first season or two, I couldn’t help it. I would just lose my mind when I would see someone picking on a kid, you know.”
Gwen has three sons with ex-husband Gavin Rossdale: Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. I’m kind of loving the idea of a Blake/Gwen mashup, since it will inevitably end up being a kid named Bubba who rocks a teal Mohawk and sleeveless CBGB T-shirt and likes to go quail huntin’ with his pappy in Oklahoma.
According to the always-trustworthy Radar, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s wedding planner might not want to put any more non-refundable deposits down on camo-print table linens or beer can-shaped ice sculptures. Their source says that Blake is trying to boot-scoot away from their relationship because it’s in a bad place.
Blake’s Doing It To Country Songs tour starts in February and is scheduled to end in September. Blake supposedly doesn’t want Gwen tagging along. A source tells Radar that Gwen offered to join him on tour, but he turned that offer down. The source claims Blake told Gwen she’d be bored if she joined him on tour. Gwen reportedly thinks he’s just trying to get out of seeing her on the tour bus. The source says:
“She can’t help but feel as though he’s trying to get away and have a break from her for a little while.”
Gwen and Blake’s relationship is built on a rock-solid foundation of attention-grabbing stunts. So if this is true, and he really doesn’t want her there, then I’m a little surprised. If Gwen stays at home, then who will Blake pull on stage every night to sing a sappy duet called This Is Who I Do It To Country Songs With?
Blake and Gwen are rumored to be getting married this spring. But Blake will be on tour this spring. I have no idea what that means for a wedding. Actually, scratch that; I think do know. Blake totally seems like the type who would call up Gwen as his tour bus pulls into town, like “Hey baby, I got a couple hours before the show, you wanna do this?” while he throws a bible and a minister’s robe at the closest roadie.
One of the more private and publicity-shunning celebrity couples has reportedly set a wedding date. Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton will marry on May 5, 2017 at the Church of the Good Shepard in Beverly Hills. Allegedly. This news comes from In Touch, so let’s approach it with caution. There could be a follow-up story in which we learn that, in a shocking twist, Gwen has asked Marilyn to be one of her bridesmaids. What I’m typing is that your mileage may vary on this one.
This date is a little later than “by the end of the year” which is when USWeekly and TMZ had them getting hitched. Will it be a subtle, intimate ceremony without any corporate sponsorship, tie-in episode of The Voice, or a full pictorial spread in People that hits the stands exactly one day later? If by “subtle” and “intimate,” you mean “three million-dollar ceremony with 400 guests.” Come to think of it, that IS sort of “subtle” and “intimate” for a celebrity pairing. A harried Jinger Duggar just looked over from writing 1,000 thank-you notes and longed for “subtle” and “intimate.” And she’s got to haul ass on those so she can get to being pregnant!
Gwen and Blake merged musical genres roughly one year ago after each of their marriages drove over cliffs, hit the rocks below, and exploded into nothingness. Since then, they’ve broadcast every moment of their relationship to the world via social media, letting the paparazzi know ahead of time if they’ll be out in public together, and, of course, sappy shit like performing songs together. Why aren’t I also receiving a daily e-mail keeping me apprised of their every action together as a couple? Where can I sign up for that?