Too bad Paper didn’t ask her about her best friend fucking her sister’s man…
I don’t know if the pain medication plastic surgeons give their patients contain heroin, crack, or a combination of both but there must be something mind altering in the ingredients that make their patients believe the lies they tell themselves. Let’s take a trip through the elevated mind state of lips like Jagger businesswoman, and Kris Jenner’s top earner, Kylie Jenner as she sits down with Paper Magazine to once again discuss how she started her business from nothing. Well, that’s only if nothing means being genetically linked to a family of notorious famewhores with lots of money and insecurity issues.
I love a good family reunion because there’s usually good food, good booze and good times. However, the media circus surrounding Dina Lohan and her Honeycomb Hideout boyfriend Jesse Nadler has brought about the kind of family reunion that can be only likened to when all the Disney villains get together to stir up trouble and annoy the hell out of everyone. Recently Michael Lohan spoke out in support of Dina and her new relationship and now Lindsay Lohan is ready to say things because what’s a messy Lohan reunion without its messiest family member?
And I am truly sorry for once again causing your corneas to nearly collapse by punching your poor eyeballs with the horrifying sight of Matt Lauer looking like a Hill Have Eyes creature in rockabilly chola drag as Lucy from the Peanuts.
It was inevitable for Matt Lauer to pull down his pants (well, according to the stories, it’s always inevitable for him to do that), spread his cheeks and caca out a carefully worded statement about getting fired from NBC News for allegedly sexually harassing a co-worker. NBC News de-douched Today this week after one colleague went to HR with a detail complaint about Matt Weinstein-ing her. Variety and The New York Times also posted pieces that claimed Matt flashed his dick at female employees, told a co-worker he wanted to use a gifted sex toy on her, sexted interns and assaulted a colleague, which made her pass out. (Matt being the gentlemen he is, got his assistant to take her to see a nurse.) Matt gave an EXCLUSIVO statement to his old job, and Savannah Guthrie read it on Today this morning. Matt is sorry, and since trick is unemployed, his new full-time job is “soul searching.” To which a nation screams, “Bitch, go do some hole searching (not that kind of hole!), meaning find a hole, get in it and never come out.”
Having to stand and talk to Giuliana Rancic on that hot-as-fuck Emmy red carpet last night sounds like the epitome of HELL to me, so I’m genuinely shocked that most famous types didn’t pull an “I don’t know her” as they hauled ass indoors and started humping the nearest AC vent. Thankfully some people, like American Horror Story’s Sarah Paulson, thought ahead and brought their own shade.
Sarah stopped and talked to Clippy’s sister, and the heat truly removes all fucks from one’s system, because their interview was just one giant “No, bitch” moment. Shortly after Giuliana reminded everyone that Sarah has been nominated – and lost – four times, she asked Sarah (who was nominated for playing conjoined twins Bette and Dot on AHS: Freak Show) if she’ll get two Emmy awards if she wins. Rather than look at her in the face and low-whisper “Are you serious?“, Sarah gifted us with this beautiful soul hug:
Sarah Paulson with an outstanding subtweet of Giuliana Rancic. pic.twitter.com/45KEpgPwH3
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 20, 2015
Did anyone think to check Giuliana for frostbite, because that was ice cold. “No, sorry sweetie” PLUS that voice? Even shade queen Jessica Lange is slow-clapping for that one. Of course, Sarah didn’t win (Regina King did instead), but she took home an even better award: Outstanding Achievement in Making Shit Awkward with Giuliana Rancic. “Welcome to the club!” hollered Elisabeth Moss.
Here’s more of the Luke to Jessica Lange’s Yoda, as well as Giuliana in some low-budget JLo cosplay on the red carpet last night.
From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!
Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.
Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.
Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.
The meth-faced flamingo Frankie Grande will tell you that his sister Ariana Grande Latte is the reigning Empress of Pop and that the bottoms of her Bratz shoes are covered with the hair of Beyonce and Madge because she’s standing on top of all of those bitches. But anybody else will say, “I think that’s my favorite font,” if you asked them what an Ariana Grande is. Ariana Grande Latte has a few hits and her songs are currently the most requested songs at every preschool prom, but she’s still ten billion years away from being the legend she thinks she is in her delusional Sea Wees head. Bitch thinks she can act like Mimi when she’s got Hoku’s career (zero offense to legendary pop icon Hoku).
News.com.au says Ariana Grande Latte hit the “quit this bitch” button during a photo shoot with an Australian newspaper, because she didn’t like any of the pictures. Apparently, Chris Pavlich, a photographer for mX newspaper, was told that he wasn’t allowed to use any natural light and he was only allowed to shoot the left side of her face, because she truly thinks she’s the reincarnation of Mimi (even though Mimi’s still alive) and on her right cheek is the sign that Satan branded into her face when she made a pact with him to be the biggest star in the world!
It’s surprising that photographers are able to shoot any side of Ariana’s face since her head is shoved up her ass and nobody can pull it out because her wannabe Charo ponytail keeps getting in the way.