If you’re having the kind of day where you don’t really give a shit that your eye sockets will heave your eyeballs out onto the floor and your ears will close up along with your coochie and/or b-hole, then here’s the perfect thing for you.
Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Miley Cyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22, Larry King and a bunch of twerking Thundercat hos. Thanks to Larry King’s intro, the song and the pile of cut-off raccoon tails on Billy’s head, this video is the unsexiest thing ever.
1. Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?
2. Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?
3. How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of this musical torture device?
On New Year’s Eve, while we were all getting balls-deep in a boxed-wine-and-Four Loko-induced blind drunkeness (Raise of hands. Just me? Ouch) Larry King quietly gave us the most beautiful gift for 2014 when he tweeted about the existence of a hip-hop version of Achy Breaky Heart. Hold on, let me give you a moment to process what I just said.
Billy Ray Cyrus aka Big Poppa Chipmunk aka Miley’s Dad (to anyone under 21) has allegedly recorded a hip-hop version of his 1992 hit country single Achy Breaky Heart. And the Earth hasn’t stopped spinning yet? It doesn’t take Bill Nye to hypothesize that something this big would surely throw the Earth off its axis (or at least make it rain frogs like in Magnolia). Jesus, what is it with the Cyrus family’s obsession with appropriating urban culture and just running it full-steam into the ground? You couldn’t stop at Bangerz? I’d say that the hip-hop community suffered enough and this single should never be released, but I would be lying. I want to hear this song more than I want to hear the future words of my unborn children.
Oh, and just in case your brain did a good job of erasing Achy Breaky Heart from your memory…
I’m sorry, but If my brain is melting into a puddle of goo, I’m taking all of you with me! The only thing more embarrassing than that video is knowing that I performed a figure skating routine to Achy Breaky Heart as a kid. Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes I did take my therapist’s advice and burned all photographic evidence.
On Sunday night, Billy Ray Cyrus holed himself up in his basement and stared at a wall of TVs thatplayed Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance on a loop. Every few hours, he’d call up his housekeeper and tell her to bring him possum jerky, pig lard, moonshine and moist towelletes. Billy Ray finally crawled out of his basement and called Miley to tell her what he thought about her Chipmunks Gone Wild performance. Of course, Billy Ray is proud that Miley twerked out wet strands of elegance all over the family name. Miley tweeted her pappy’s response today. Prepare the brain bleach!
“Mile, if twerkin woulda been invented…. And I had a foam finger…. I woulda done the same thang you did.” – DAD
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 28, 2013
First of all, doesn’t Billy Ray know that Miley is the one who invented twerkin? Twerkin’ didn’t exist before Miley invented it, obviously. When Miley was just one of Billy Ray’s jizz fish, she twerked her way into Tish Cyrus’ ovary egg and that’s how twerkin’ was born. Second of all, I bet he got his top lip wet with his tongue when he said “foam finger” and I don’t like it. Third of all, Billy Ray should put out a song called Achy Breaky Twerk (which is the perfect way to describe Miley’s twerk) and collaborate with Robin Thicke, because I really want to see him have dry butt sex with Alan Thicke’s son while giving head to a foam finger.
Here’s Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards looking like a tweaked out chipmunk who’s been possessed by a dark-sided evil demon. If Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks starred as Regan in a remake of The Exorcist, this is what the poster would look like. Give me some holy water, a rosary and a prayer to chant. That tongue looks like a wet thumb trying to escape out of her mouth. Miley needs to sedate that tongue and put it on a leash. When Miley’s tongue comes wiggling out of her mouth, it looks like she’s doing an impersonation of John Travolta when he sees a man hole. I’m sorry to take you there, but blame Miley and her wandering leech tongue.
And why is she so greasy and sweaty? Bitch is too rich to be that greasy. My abuelita wants to grab Miley’s face and squeeze all the grease onto a frying pan so she can make us all some plátanos con crema. Miley’s got an entire jar of under-the-sink kitchen grease on her face. There’s no need for that when Bounty paper towels exist.
And Miley made it a sort-of family affair yesterday by sitting with Billy Ray and Noah.
They look like they’re at a 90s costume party. Miley went as a white Adina Howard, Billy Ray went as a Hootie & the Blowfish roadie and Noah went as an extra in an after-school special about teen runaways.
I guess Billy Ray Cyrus realized that he can’t live without seeing Tish Cyrus’ squished Furby face every morning, because these two messes are back together again. Billy and Tish have filed for divorce almost as many times as Miley Cyrus has made Jesus cry by trying to twerk. Miley even called Billy Ray out on Twitter and made it sound like he passed his Armour Vienna Sausage (side question: What does a pubic mullet look like?) to another trick. But all is forgotten, because Billy Ray and Tish have reunited and are toasting to their love with a SOLO wine glass full of strawberry-flavored moonshine in front of a romantic toilet fire pit in their backyard. Billy Ray and Tish announced to People that they have called off their divorce:
“We both woke up and realized we love each other and decided we want to stay together. We both went into couples therapy something we haven’t done in 22 years of being together, and it’s brought us closer together and really opened up our communication in amazing ways. Tish also said marriage can be really hard especially after 22 years of being in entertainment. We’ve had rough times but we both realized we didn’t want to be another statistic and wanted to make it work.”
It always makes me hopeful for the future of marriage when I read about a husband and a wife who are staying together for the sake of their checking accounts. They obviously decided that instead of spending months and months in a lawyer’s conference room, fighting over who gets custody of Miley’s money, they act like adults, bond over their mutual love of not working and stay together. Now they can continue to take Miley’s money as one. Michael Lohan and White Oprah could really learn a thing or two from these child-pimping wrecks.
And here’s Miley pretty much flashing her shaved possum while hanging out with Pixie Geldof in London.
Typing the phrase “Twitter ultimatum” just made me barf through the pores on my fingers.
Last night, Miley Cyrus made Billy Ray Cyrus shake right out of his raccoon mullet when she threatened to EXPOSE him on Twitter. I love it when a bitch threatens to EXPOSE another bitch in an hour or less, but it’s not as dramatic when it’s done in all lower caps…. on Twitter. Anyway, Miley tweeted the threat along with a picture of her next to a woman who at first I thought was a ginger Heidi Montag with her original face on. A quick minute after Miley threw that threat up on Twitter, she deleted it and then tweeted out this bullshit: “Wtf? My twitter was just actin all types of cray!”
Don’t you just hate it when your Twitter acts all types of cray by magically writing a tweet you wrote and magically uploading a picture that you uploaded and magically tweeting a tweet after you hit the tweet button? I hate it when my Twitter acts cray like that. Since Miley is a celebwhore, she could blame her tweet regret on one of three things: 1. her Twitter was acting cray, 2. she was hacked or 3. she was suffering from severe exhaustion and didn’t know what she was tweeting. I’m sure that Miley will announce that her Twitter is checking into a rehab tweetment center to be treated for the cray-ness it suffers from.
But more importantly, WHAT DOES MILEY’S FIRST TWEET MEAN?
Billy Ray Cyrus filed for divorce from Tish Cyrus three years ago, but then he pressed paused on the divorce because he was trying to work things out with her. Things didn’t work out because Tish filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. But then, Tish and Billy Ray were papped on Sunday leaving a restaurant arm-in-arm, which isn’t surprising since not much can break the love between a sad-eyed anime horse and a humanized roadkill possum.
But now they’re love might really be broken thanks to his wandering dick. An ONTD commenter says that the woman next to Miley in that picture is Broadway actress, singer and dancer Dylis Croman. Dylis played Mona and covered the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago when Billy Ray was in it last year. So that picture is Miley’s subtle way of saying that Billy Ray passed his hillbilly peen to Dylis while he was with Tish. I was going to ask for more proof, but then I looked closer at that picture. That’s not fake fur on Dylis’ jacket. Those are Billy Ray’s highlighted pubes! Poor Tish (not really). Her sad anime horse eyes just got sadder.
Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t write about Miley Cyrus’ relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket’s hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly’s daughter’s hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.
“He didn’t have to, but he did. He’s got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, ‘Hey, look at this’. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me – it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], ‘Can I be in your brother’s next movie?’ And then I said, ‘No, I’m joking’.”
Here’s Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.
Billy Ray Cyrus is about to throw all of his fresh-out-of-prison cousins, sewed-off rifles, coonhounds and knives made out of possum claws into the back of his pick-up truck and drive it all the way Atlanta so he can handle Liam Hemsworth for hurting his daughter’s hillbilly heart. Because Radar says that at a party in Hollywood last week, Liam was “canoodling” and whispering into the ear of some hot blonde. Miley Cyrus wasn’t around.
The witness says that Liam showed up to the party early and spent most of the night talking to the hot blonde in the back of the tent. Maybe Liam just wanted to remind himself what it’s like to talk to a chick who doesn’t sound like Harvey Fierstein hawking a loogie. The witness type said this:
“Liam was in the corner of the back tent with a blonde and they were getting very cozy. It definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly. His friend/handler was trying to keep people away and allow Liam and his ‘friend’ some privacy, but Liam didn’t seem to be that worried about it.”
Wait, wait… A hot blonde who makes grown men giggle themselves into a coma? That wasn’t Liam’s lady side piece. That was his brother THOR!
That dumb bitch of an eyewitness! I bet the eyewitness also said that when the hot blonde flipped her mane, every light bulb burst and she sort of smelt like Strawberry Suave shampoo. Yeah, it was THOR, not some average slut. Pull your cousins out of the pick-up, Billy Ray. It was a false cheater alarm.
Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus’ heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray’s marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray’s mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn’t be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:
“I’ve dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they’ve ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we’re the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you’re strapped to a rocket.”
I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. “I feel like I got my Miley back!” Cut to Miley’s business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray’s floor board. “Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family!” Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray’s fanny pack.
I don’t blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.
Billy Ray Cyrus wishes Mickey Mouse never butt birthed Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus knows that his parenting report card has a giant F in red on it. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t put out his hands and collect an allowance check from Miley Cyrus every Friday afternoon. Billy Ray Cyrus feels a spiritual connection to the late Kurt Cobain and says that he was the only one who showed some support while the rest of the music industry laughed at that Achy Breaky Heart crap. Billy Ray Cyrus has a bomb shelter in his backyard. Billy Ray Cyrus could see the Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith tragedies coming a mile away and tried to contact both of them to help. Billy Ray Cyrus is dilapidated feed bag full of crazy. That’s just some of the shit that’s covered in GQ’s 6-page interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I read the whole thing. Yes, it made me wish I was listening to Achy Break Heart at full volume instead.
GQ’s piece portrays Billy Ray as a lonely and sad-like hillbilly who sits on the front porch of his Tennessee mansion petting at his pet possums head while deep thinking about how fame and fortune was the rusty nail shoved deep into the heart of his family. Billy Ray regrets ever letting his truck stop toddler daughter Miley do Hannah Montana (“DON’T WE ALL?!” – humanity).
Here’s the Cliffs Notes version of the forever long southern WOE IS ME howl that Billy let out to GQ. This is like some “hillbilly Grey Gardens” shit:
On Miley’s name: “My intuition has told me that that little girl, her name should be Destiny Hope Cyrus, because I feel like it’s her destiny to bring hope to the world.’”
On how he’s not on Miley’s payroll: “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.”
On how “he’ll take it” for Miley: “Every time something happened in Miley’s career, every time the train went off the track, if you will—Vanity Fair,2 pole-dancing,3 whatever scandal it was—her people, or as they say in today’s news, her handlers, every time they’d put me… ‘Somebody’s shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!’ Well, I took it, because I’m her daddy, and that’s what daddies do. ‘Okay, nail me to the cross, I’ll take it….’ All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they’re going to put you up there and let you take the bullet.”
On why he didn’t go to her 18th barfday party: “You know why I didn’t go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, ‘Daddy endorsed this stuff….’ I started realizing I’m being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that’s going on right now with the bong. They’d be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense… I said, ‘This whole thing’s falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.’ I’m staying out of it.”
On how Miley’s handlers told him to stay out of the bong video mini-scandal: “I didn’t know what the footage was. They told me, ‘it was none of my business.’ I’m dealing with somebody that had only known my daughter for possibly four years, and I’m her daddy. I was pretty damn insulted. And I took that as the ultimate alarm. ‘It’s none of your business’! None of my business that you’re out running around L.A. trying to buy kids’ computers and phones because there’s something about my daughter…?”
On how he now believes his parenting skills suck: “The business was driving a wedge between us. How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough—it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.”
On how he thinks Miley is starting to sashay down the “Lindsay Lohan” part of the ho stroll: “I’m scared for her. She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she’s 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I’d like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.
On why his entire family got baptized when they moved to Hollywood: “It was Tish’s idea. She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…’ And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…’ It’s the way it is. There has always been a battle between good and evil. Always will be. You think, ‘This is a chance to make family entertainment, bring families together…’ and look what it’s turned into.”
On Hannah Montana: “Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family. I’ll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, ‘Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.’ It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all’d it all right. I some-gave-all’d it while everybody else was going to the bank. It’s all sad.”
On if he regrets Hannah Montana: “I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”
Maybe I’m as naive as the pet possum who doesn’t think Billy Ray is going to cut its froat and throw it on the barbecue for Tuesday night dinner, but I believe he knows and regrets turning his daughter out for fame and cash. Now if he’ll only publicly voice his regrets for that dusty fucking mullet on his head.
And that being said, I’m still slightly more interested in what’s in that Taco Party Pack on the counter.