Birthday Sluts

Mayim Bialik (35)
Bridget Hall (33)
Hank Williams III (38)
Madchen Amick (40)
Regina Hall (40)
Jennifer Connelly (40)
Burke Moses (51)
Sheila E. (53)
Susan Powter (53)
Cathy Rigby (58)
Bill Nighy (61)
Tom Wilkinson (62)
Paula Wagner (64)
Dionne Warwick (70)
Connie Francis (72)
Ed Koch (86)
Bob Barker (87)

Birthday Sluts

Alex Trebek (70)
Selena Gomez (18)
Franka Potente (36)
Rufus Wainwright (37)
Rhys Ifans (42)
Irene Bedard (43)
David Spade (46)
John Leguizamo (46)
Rob Estes (47)
Keith Sweat (49)
Willem Dafoe (55)
Alan Menken (61)
Albert Brooks (63)
Don Henley (63)
Danny Glover (64)
George Clinton (69)
Terence Stamp (71)
Louise Fletcher (76)
Oscar de la Renta (78)

Blame The Bad Shit

Daaaaamn! So Billy Mays’ autopsy report just came out and the stuff found in his system reads like Lindsay Lohan’s grocery list. TMZ says the following drugs were detected in his system: Vicodin, Oxycodone, Xanax, Valium, benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). They also found booze.

The Hillsborough County medical examiner’s office said Billy died from heart disease, but cocaine was a contributing cause of death. The report added that Billy used the bad shit a few days before his death, but not immediately prior.

Billy was taking the prescription painkillers for hip pain. The medical examiner said that it didn’t look like Billy was a pill head, because he was taking the correct amount of drugs and wasn’t abusing.

And here I was thinking Billy’s crazy energy was au naturale. I probably though that because every time I watched him on TV I was stoned, so I couldn’t see the signs clearly.

UPDATE: Billy Mays’ widow just released a statement and she is pissed about the medical examiner’s office releasing a preliminary report:

“We are extremely disappointed by the press release released by the Hillsborough County medical examiner’s office. We believe it contains speculative conclusions that are frankly unnecessary and tend to obscure the conclusion that Billy suffered from chronic, untreated hypertension, which only demonstrates how important it is to regularly monitor one’s health.

Given the hectic nature and pace of Billy’s life, especially during the past 10 months of his exhaustive travel across the country, it was not surprising to hear that hypertension was the cause of his death. We were totally unaware of any non prescription drug usage and are actively considering an independent evaluation of the autopsy
results.

As those who were close to Billy knew, he had been in chronic pain for more than two years and was about to have his third hip surgery in 18 months. His use of prescription pain medication for his hip condition was guided by his physician and was at recommended usage levels. This has been a very difficult period for our family and we appreciate the respect for our privacy that Billy’s many clients, fans and members of the media have extended. We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers for the family and will not have any immediate comment beyond this statement.”

You Can’t Replace The Great Billy Mays!

Who else can sell you a useless piece of shit you don’t need (but you really do need it) while making your ears slowly curl into your head? There is only one master of the SHOUT and that is the late and great Billy Mays! He cannot be replaced….. But apparently, the dumb whores at Media Enterprises think Billy can. Stick a piece of Mighty Tape on my b-hole and pull it hard, because this is not right.

TMZ says that a nationwide search for “the next Billy Mays” will start August 19th in Tampa. They say that Billy’s precious bearded mug will remain on the products, but they are looking someone to sell it to the masses on late-night infomercials. Specifically, they want someone to pitch a new product called “Mighty Sponge.” It’s a sponge so mighty that it can soak up 2 liters of coke or the blood of a hooker (I’m looking at you Vince).

Why do I predict that emergency rooms will soon be filled with dumb skanks who almost made themselves mute from trying to recreate Billy’s signature rasp by gargling with thumbtacks?

Okay, okay, okay. If they really have to do this, let me make a few suggestions:

1. Paula Abdul – Bitch needs the money and back alley pharmacists don’t work for free.
2. Fishsticks Paltrow – Maybe she’ll go mute from trying to replicate Billy’s voice (fingers crossed)?
3. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper – Because our (aka my) TV screens need more of him.
4. Phoebe Price – She won’t have to say a word. She’ll just have to pose with the product and everyone (aka just me) will be SOLD!
5. STAINS – Because he can sell lucite to Shauna Sand just by hypnotizing her.

Billy Mays Will Never Leave Our TV Screens

The legacy of Billy Mays will live on forever and always!!! Right after his death, Billy’s infomercials were pulled from TV and he was silenced. I know, I too felt lost and confused without Billy yelling at me in the middle of the night. Billy was no longer there to comfort me (and make my ear drums throb) with his “Miley Cyrus after smoking 12 packs of Reds” voice.

Well, Billy will finally return to our TV screens again after a two week absence! With the consent of his widow, two new infomercials for Mighty Putty and Mighty Tape will star airing soon.

Billy’s widow tells the New York Post it’s what he would have wanted, “Billy believed in every product he sold, and he loved nothing more than bringing helpful products to people at a great savings. He always enjoyed meeting his loyal fans and taking time to really talk to everyday people.”

If only Mighty Tape could mend our broken hearts! Actually, we should order that shit and try it, because that’s what Billy would have wanted!