Category: Billboard Music Awards 2019
Open Post: Hosted By Cardi B Teaching The People The Difference Between “Ass” And “Pussy”
Cardi B has already given us political commentary, financial advice, and tips on larceny. And she’s ready to show us more of her expertise: Medical knowledge. Cardi nearly flashed her B (that’s either B for butt or B for bagina, depending on who you ask) at last night’s Billboard Music Awards. And after fans talked about it, she decided to give a quick lesson on the placement of a woman’s ass versus her vagina, which–according to some of my girlfriends–some guys have trouble telling apart.
In Case You Missed It, Paula Abdul Nearly Took Julianne Hough’s Head Off With A Hat
Paula Abdul is just three months away from threatening Britney Spears’ Las Vegas Queen of Lip-Synching crown by starring in her own residency at the Flamingo. It’s been called a night of music, dance, and storytelling. I’m disappointed in Paula for not naming her show, Paula Abdul: I’M TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY!
Paula got Vegas’ tip wet last night by closing the Billboard Music Awards with a medley of some of her greatest hits. And I say “some” because she wrongly left out the classic hits Crazy Cool and Will You Marry Me? But still, Paula’s performance had everything! It had Paula lazily lip-synching to her songs. It had Paula tap-synching at the beginning to a recorded tap track. It had Paula giving us 90s Pia Zadora. It had Paula falling (only, she did it on purpose this time). It had MC Skat Kat (in the real technologically advanced bit of the night)! And it had Paula turning her hat into a ninja star and nearly taking off Julianne Hough’s head. If you’re wondering why Julianne Hough is a thing, now you know. The universe made her famous so that in 2019 she would sit front row at the Billboard Music Awards and happily get hit by Paula Abdul’s flying hat.
The Fine Line Between Fashion And Costume Was Stepped Over At The Billboard Music Awards
You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.
It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!
Here’s The Billboard Music Awards Performance That Madonna Reportedly Spent $5 Million Of Her Own Cash On
Sure, Madonna’s new Madame X persona is a mixture of her past personas, and is like Dita from Erotica after drunkenly stumbling into the La Isa Bonita universe, but at least she’s trying to pull out some new shit from her pirate bloomers… Unlike Taylor Swift, who at 60 years old, will probably pull some Whatever Happened To Baby Tay Tay? shit by continuing to lip-synch to a rejected end credits Pixar movie song while girlishly twirling around in a sparkly pastel skating outfit before squealing about kittens, silly boys, and spelling.
At last night’s Billboard Music Awards, Madonna dry butt humped on Maluma as they performed their La Isla Bonita on Ambien song called Medellin. TMZ previously said (they have since taken down the entire post, Madame X got to them!) that she really wanted to make our eyeballs pop out (so that we’d have to buy a limited-edition Madame X eyepatch from her online store) with some TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED HIGH-TECH WIZARDRY so she searched her sofa for $5 million in loose change to pay for her own Billboard Music Awards performance. Basically, she performed with some low-res small ass holograms of herself in various forms of Madame X drag, and I’m disappointed that she missed an opportunity to really bring the controversy by making one of her holograms hologrind on and suck the holotoes of the Tupac hologram. Like the old days!
Joe Jonas And Sophie Turner Got Married By An Elvis Impersonator In Las Vegas
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner were both in Las Vegas last night. Joe was there with his brothers, Nick and Kevin, because the Jonas Brothers performed their first show together as a band since I graduated from high school. The Jonas Brothers did the Billboard Music Awards and I guess Joe was on such a high he just needed to tie the knot, because after the awards show, the middle Jonas with the biggest dick took his fiancé down to a lil’ Vegas chapel and had themselves a lil’ wedding. Get that new album promo!
Taylor Swift’s Billboard Music Award Performance Included A Marching Band, And You Know What Happened Next
Taylor Swift performed her new single “Me!” at the Billboard Music Awards last night and it was a sugary, pastel wearing, catchy pop song MESS. It was over-the-top in a way that left me feeling like I just took some G-rated Mary Poppins acid and ate way too much candy. It was like a remake of La La Land that took place in a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. And it opened with something that unleashed the Beyhive!