Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton performed their eyeroll-summoning duet “Go Ahead And Break My Heart” on the Billboard Music Awards last night. And when “she” came out, I figured that the real Gwen finally woke up from her dickmatized haze and pulled out of the performance at the last minute and so producers replaced her with a melting Donatella Versace wax figure, hoping that nobody would notice. But everyone noticed and many said the same thing that Saint West says to his au pair-in-waiting when either his mom or dad comes to visit him: “Who is she?”
Gwen dropped her usual red lipstick and black Sharpie eyeliner, and instead slapped every shade of sparkly beige paint onto her face, and finished the look off with a dusty ass eyebrow situation and one of Jennifer Lopez’s old dresses. The last time Gwen and Blake sang their heave-worthy duet, they really brought the cheese and laid it on thick. But last night, even they looked like they were over it and gave off the chemistry of a burnt-out match and a puddle of water. In almost every shot of Blake, it looks like he’s thinking to himself, “Harpo, who dis woman I’m singing with?”
And I really wasn’t into Gwen’s beige Barbie look until one of my friends texted me after the show and said she looked like Pete Burns in ~natural~ makeup. That made me sort of love Gwen’s look, because Pete Burns in ~natural~ makeup IS the look. But still, hillbilly dick should come with a warning, because it has the power to change your face!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
My weekday partner in pop culture-spreading ridiculousness, Allison, is out today, because it’s a holiday in her native land of Canada and she’s spending the day grilling moose burgers and maple leaf fries while guzzling Crush Soda Mousse-tinis. Since it’s a holiday in Canada, let’s start today with a post about the country’s greatest gift to da world (next to Victor Garber and Sandra Rinomato, of course) Celine Dion!!!
In between BritBot giving us “sedated Erika Jayne robot” and Madge earning a million PrinceSideEye.GIFs with her eardrum-murdering raw yodels at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Say-leen Dijon filled a million pairs of ears with sweet angel jizz when she sang out her cover of Queen’s “Da Show Must Go On.” Besides gently fucking our eardrums with the gorgeous musical notes that shot out of her nightingale mouth, Celine also accepted the Icon Award at the BBMAs. Those awards still look like alien dildos to me and I’m surprised that Tom Cruise hasn’t released a single, just so he can win one.
Celine’s 15-year-old son Rene-Charles surprised his mom by presenting her with the award, and she seemed genuinely surprised. I am forever a cynical bitch who thinks that everything that happens in an awards show is staged, choreographed and planned for months, so seeing what looked like a genuine and organic moment was hard for me to process. But it brought an awwww to my ice cold chest. Celine cried poutine gravy tears as she thanked her fans and her late husband/manager Renee Angelil. Here’s Celine’s performance and speech:
And yes, Ruh-Nay Charles is now a teenager who has the ability to grow hair on his face (stay away from him, Madge!). The next time I go to Denny’s, I’m going to try to order off of the senior citizen’s menu and if the server throws me a look that says, “nice try, bitch,” I’m going to pull up these pictures of Ruh-Nay Charles and say, “I remember when Rene-Charles was a baby and this is what he looks like now.” Boom. Instant senior discount!
Since current day Madge lives for giving the public several servings of her nalgitas, I was secretly hoping that her Prince tribute at tonight’s Billboard Music Awards would be nothing but her dancing to “Get Off” in his legendary ass-less yellow ensemble as Diamond and Pearl dropped it low around her. But instead of doing that, Madge decided to shove her live vocals into our ear drums while doing a 2am karaoke version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and “Purple Rain.”
The good news is that Stevie Wonder helped Madge out and she dressed like a pimp-fied Liberace going to a gay child’s christening in the springtime (and that IS the look). The bad news is that she didn’t take a page out of Brit Brit’s performing live handbook by lip-synching.
I’m surprised that Prince didn’t drop down from heaven, snatch the mic out of Madge’s hand and just do it himself.
After the rumor was spit onto the Internet about how Kesha was going to use her Billboard Music Awards performance to make a “statement” and shit all over Dr. Luke (who she’s currently suing to get out of her contract), he put a stop to it and forbade her from going on the show. You know, because he’s the Ursula to her Ariel. But when she said that she just wanted to pay tribute to Bob Dylan and wasn’t going to mention Dr. Luke’s name or existence at all, he unlocked her shackles and allowed her ass to perform.
So while dressed like a Lisa Frank Colonel Sanders and working The Albino’s hairstyle, Kesha yodeled out Bob Dylan’s “It Ain’t Me Babe” with Ben Folds at the Billboard Music Awards tonight:
I’m actually disappointed that Kesha didn’t go rogue and wheel out a Dr. Luke scarecrow before torching it on fire and hitting it with a bat. Oh well, maybe at the next awards show.
And here’s Kesha dressed like the member of a Prince tribute mariachi band:
Pics: Getty, Splash
Behold, BritBot Giving You “Animatronic Deer Caught In The Headlights” At The Billboard Music Awards
Never mind the Blair Waldorf look-alike on the left (who is finally letting out a stuck fart) and the sneaky Bjork look-alike on the right (who just emptied a box of Lemonheads into her mouth). The real star of that picture is Brit Brit Spears who brought about as much excitement to the Billboard Music Awards as an over-steamed green bean brings to your mouth.
Brit Brit got the Millennium Award (whatever that is) at the BM Awards tonight and she opened up the show with a medley of her songs. My drunk, middle-aged uncle who doesn’t know any Brit Brit Spears songs by heart would’ve done a better job of lip-synching than she did, but who cares?! It’s Brit Brit!
Who cares if a book in any Kartrashian’s house gets more use than that mic Brit is wearing does? Who cares if Brit Brit has the energy of a Roomba that has about 2% of power in it? Who cares if she looks like she would rather be eating giant spoonfuls of grits NOT made with Velveeta? Who cares about any of that! It’s Brit Brit and she still moved her mouth a couple of times and gave us a violent weave tornado by whipping her head around.
It’s wrong of me to accuse Brit Brit of lip-synching. It’s obvious that she’s singing live and her vocals just so happen to sound exactly like the original studio recordings of her songs (with auto-tune). Queen of Live Singing!
And here’s Brit Brit wearing Frederick’s of Hollywood’s version of Storm from X-Men’s costume while posing like a nervous 6-year-old on picture day.
Pics: Splash, Getty