Break Out Your Cum-Stained Gap Dress, Because “American Crime Story” May Take On The Clinton/Lewinsky Sex Scandal
American Crime Story’s second season, which is about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, hasn’t even started shooting yet but Ryan Murphy is already looking beyond season two. The third season of ACS will follow sociopath killer Andrew Cunanan (and thank all the gods for Ryan not casting Lady Gaga as Donatella Versace), and it looks like the fourth season may take us back to the days of cigar sex, lies and berets.
Since this has landed in my inbox and passed my eyes more than LinkedIn requests, here it is to obliterate your memory of Dirty Dancing too!
That shitty TV series from 1988 didn’t totally ruin the memory of Dirty Dancing. Neither did Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, or that Dirty Dancing reality show, or the news about ABC’s remake starring Little Miss Sunshine. But this may have done it for me. The Dutch evil geniuses at LuckyTV did the devil’s work by mashing-up clips from the second presidential debate with (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life, sung by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. The result is a demonic masterpiece that made me go from “hahahahaha” to “whygodwhy” in 10 seconds. This mash-up put in me in the corner where I silently weeped over how every time I watch Dirty Dancing I’m going to think of the dehydrated dog lipstick known as Donald Trump creepily serenading Hillary Clinton. That dude at the 1:25 mark who tries to get up but can’t is me while watching this video. I tried to escape it but the immense amount of fuckery kept me in my seat until the end:
And let’s thank all the Gods that Lucky TV didn’t find a way to recreate the “Dirty Dancing” lift with Trump and Hillary. The sight of Jabba the Trump grabbing near her pussy area would put all of us in a coffin permanently.
I, for one, am in major need of a palate cleanser, so here’s one in the form of stunning pictures from the 1988 Grammys of Patrick Swayze and Liza Minnelli.
When Bill Clinton shook Melania Trump’s hand before the second presidential debate last night, he probably wondered why he was suddenly hit with a major urge to fuck her blouse bow with a cigar, and now he knows why. Melania’s hot pink blouse cost $1,100, it was made by Gucci and it’s called the “Pussy-bow” shirt. Most of the time, I hate this election, but it’s beautiful moments like this that make me love it for one quick second.
Yesterday was the second day of the Democratic National Convention, and out was Susan Sarandon looking like she’d rather felch a porcupine who just ate Taco Bell than listen to speakers throw out praise for Hillary Clinton. In was Meryl Streep squealing out a pro-Hillary battle cry of joy while double fisting the air and working one of her old patriotic looks.
Hillary Clinton officially became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a major party yesterday, and her man Bill Clinton, and his Fashion Fair Perfect Finish® mug, were the headliners of the night. But before and after Ole’ Bubba’s speech, he had many opening acts and a few closing acts including Elizabeth Banks, America Ferrera, Alicia Keys, Lena Dunham, Debra Messing (who surprisingly didn’t put her taunting hands on the side of her head while saying, “Na na na na na na na, Susan!“, into the camera) and THEE MERYL STREEP!
Meryl followed Bill and when she took the podium, she let out the kind of scream-cry of happiness that I let out whenever the Henny Penny episode of The Golden Girls comes on the Hallmark Channel. As Meryl spoke, those flag poles in the back thought to themselves, “Of COURSE that shady Meryl Streep had to steal our look and work it better.”
Yes, Meryl Streep has been nominated for an Oscar 19 times, has starred in a zillion movies and is considered by many to be the greatest living actress (those many obviously haven’t seen Gina Gershon’s work in Showgirls), but the Republican National Convention had Scott Baio. And did Meryl Streep have a starring role in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2? I think not. So, sorry, DNC, you tried it, but the RNC still won the category of STAR POWER!
And here’s Meryl Streep working her Catherine Malandrino American flag dress to a screening of Doubt in 2008.
“Ah have no idea who this is….” – Brit Brit to herself in that pic.
Britney Spears was definitely feeling the burn yesterday, because the three Fiery Doritos® Locos Tacos Supreme she had for lunch went through her fast and 3 potty times later, her chapped b-hole was on fire. But she wasn’t feeling the Bern, obviously, since she met and posed with Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas yesterday. Hillary Clinton is in Vegas for the Democratic Caucus in Nevada. Hillary already won the highly coveted Lindsay Lohan endorsement and if she gets endorsements from Brit Brit and Heidi Montag, she’ll be able to call Mayflower Movers to schedule a move into the White House, because she’ll have this.
Brit Brit added this note to the picture she posted on Instagram:
Being in Vegas for #PieceOfMe is amazing for so many reasons… Especially today… because I had the incredible opportunity to meet @HillaryClinton!! Such an inspiration and beautiful voice for women around the world!!! This woman had an intense presence and I felt very honored to meet her!!!
Brit originally endorsed Hillary by adding #ImWithHer to that note, but she (or someone on Team Cheetolings) deleted it. But I don’t think Brit meant to endorse Hillary in the first place. I thought that Brit Brit used to be a Republican, but I’m pretty sure she’s a registered Frappertarian now. So she was typing #ImWithHersheysSyrup but the grease on her hands from the Popeye’s chicken she was having as a snack caused her fingers to slip on the keys and she published it too fast. That’s all!
And I love this pic:
Hillary “The Cockblocker” Clinton doesn’t mess around. Hillary knows that Ole’ Bill’s peen is like a magnet and automatically flies toward any stranger vagina in the immediate vicinity and Hillary wasn’t having it. Not today, Billy.
In a development that’s about as shocking as the time I came out as a full-fledged peen lover to my cousins, Hillary Clinton announced today that she will once again pull her hair back and dip her glue-covered fists in broken glass to battle bitches for the title of President of the United States. Hillary made the announcement in the Mojave Tent at Coachella while wearing a crown of Scrunchies and banana clips, cut-off coochie cutters, a fringed vest and while throwing a side-eye on Bill Clinton who kept trying to grind on one of the Jenners. No, Hillary announced that she’s running in an e-mail sent to donors and in this video that I thought was some kind of cereal commercial until she finally popped up at around the 1:34 mark:
Hillary is going to start campaigning right away and she’s already made plans to meet with voters in Iowa and New Hampshire. The Guardian says that a quick second after Hillary announced that she’s running, Jeb Bush, who hasn’t officially entered the game yet, e-mailed his donors and let them know that it’s going to be a fight, but they’re going to take her down. So in other words, Jeb Bush is totally going to TP Hillary’s house tonight.
And Kate McKinnon should go ahead and surgically attach her Hillary Clinton wig to her head, because she’s not going to take it off for a while.