Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!
If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.
The 750th season of Dancing with No Stars (And A-Listers Like Valerie Harper, Nomi Malone And Bill Nye) premiered last night and I’m already writing in to Congress, the Supreme Court and Betty White (since she is the supreme decision maker of America) to ask them to disqualify a few of those whores for unfair practices!
Amber Riley from Glee and Corbin Bleu from High School Musical got the highest scores of the night, which is surprising to absolutely no one since they’ve both danced professionally before. They tried to play it off by spitting out some shit like, “I haven’t taken a dance class in years! I’ve been focusing on my singing! I miss dancing! I’ve never danced with a partner before! I barely know what dancing is!,” but please. Those lying, cheating whores. Yes, Elizabeth Berkley tied with Corbin for the second highest score of the night and she’s one of the most skilled dancers in the world (see: practically ever scene in Showgirls), but anybody who’s been in Showgirls can do no wrong, so I’ll let her slide.
Anyway, even though Amber Riley was 3 points away from a perfect score and should probably be declared the winner so we can be spared from watching the rest of the season, Bill Nye was the star of the night. Because he’s Bill Nye the Science Guy, he just had to dance to a song with the word “science” in it. Bill and his partner Tyne Stecklein did the Cha-cha-cha to “Weird Science.” He looked like a half-paralyzed grandpa turtle on extra-strength ludes trying to crawl to a piece of wet lettuce. What I’m trying to say is that his dance was amazing and all the votes should go to Bill.
VOTE FOR BILL!
Bill Nye’s performance is the only performance you need, but click here if you really need to see the others.