Bill Cosby is on the loose in the streets of Philadelphia, presumably bumping into shit. He’s been parading around town sporting his Eagles regalia for sports ball reasons. According to Deadline, he also had a gig at a local jazz club where he held court to an audience of tens, told stories and jokes and even sat in on the drums. It was his first official public appearance since his trail for the alleged rape of Andrea Constand ended in a mistrial. A retrial is scheduled for April 2.
“Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.
Last Saturday, a jury in Norristown, PA told the judge in the Bill Cosby trial that they couldn’t reach a decision regarding the three charges against him. The judge declared a mistrial. Bill isn’t out of the woods yet; the Montgomery County district attorney says they will retry him.
Bill Cosby, aka “a major sign that your childhood is not only dead but also a lie,” won’t be self-righteously scolding the younger cons in gen pop for their pants sagging too low in the back just yet. Five days of deliberation by the jury in his case for sexual assault has resulted in a mistrial. Hang on to your Jello Pudding Pops, this horror’s never going to be over. Continue reading
We haven’t really covered the Bill Cosby rape trial, because only so many palate-cleansing puppy videos exist on YouTube. But on June 5, a jury in Norristown, PA began hearing the criminal case against Bill Cosby. Like a thousand other women (I’m obviously underestimating that number), Andrea Constand, the former director of operations for Temple University’s women’s basketball team, accused Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop of drugging and sexually assaulting her at his mansion near Philadelphia in January 2004. Cosby was hit with three charges of aggravated indecent assault. The trial lasted six days and most of that was spent on the prosecution presenting their case. Cosby’s defense team only took six minutes to present their case and called one witness. I’m surprised they took six minutes. That seems like a long time. I would think they’d just tell the jury, “Now, do you really think that the beloved TV dad you grew up with would ever be guilty of something other than wearing wacky sweaters?!” Cosby didn’t testify.
CNN says that the jury started deliberating on Monday night and after spending a total of 31 hours trying to decide if he’s guilty or innocent, they shuffled into court today to shrug at the judge and let him know they are deadlocked.
Somewhere in Bill Cosby’s mansion, one of his assistants is writing the word “roofie” in Braille on his entire stash of ludes, because he reportedly can’t see shit anymore. Not only that, but Bill Cosby’s Pennsylvania mansion has become his prison and his only friends are the lawyers who are being paid to spend time with him. I’ll wait here as you strain your face while trying to squirt out one tear of sympathy for him…… Not happening? Yeah, didn’t think so. Moving on….
Bill Cosby has been figuratively blind for decades, but Page Six says that he’s totally blind now. One of Cosby’s lawyers (aka a paid friend) played that “Woe Is The Pudding Pop Don” card earlier this year when they said that prosecutors have chosen to go after a poor, little old blind man. Cosby has an eye condition call “keratoconus” that has caused him to go 100% blind in both eyes. The source spit this out:
“His alleged victims may take some solace in the fact that he’s in his own personal hell. He has been suffering from a degenerative eye disease and is completely blind . . . All his Hollywood friends have turned their backs on him. He is confined to his house in Pennsylvania, and the only person on his side is his wife, Camille, who is masterminding his defense. His only friends are the small army of lawyers on his payroll.”
Now, I’m not one to say that so-and-so’s personal hell is more of a personal hell than so-and-so’s personal hell, but I’m sure that the women Cosby allegedly drugged and raped are living in hell’s personal hell.
Cosby is expected to go to trial sometime this year, so Page Six’s story may be his lawyers’ way of starting their defense early by letting prospective jurors know that he’s been through enough. I mean, the man can’t even continue to pursue his favorite hobby of mixology anymore!