“Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.
Last Saturday, a jury in Norristown, PA told the judge in the Bill Cosby trial that they couldn’t reach a decision regarding the three charges against him. The judge declared a mistrial. Bill isn’t out of the woods yet; the Montgomery County district attorney says they will retry him.
Bill Cosby, aka “a major sign that your childhood is not only dead but also a lie,” won’t be self-righteously scolding the younger cons in gen pop for their pants sagging too low in the back just yet. Five days of deliberation by the jury in his case for sexual assault has resulted in a mistrial. Hang on to your Jello Pudding Pops, this horror’s never going to be over. Continue reading
We haven’t really covered the Bill Cosby rape trial, because only so many palate-cleansing puppy videos exist on YouTube. But on June 5, a jury in Norristown, PA began hearing the criminal case against Bill Cosby. Like a thousand other women (I’m obviously underestimating that number), Andrea Constand, the former director of operations for Temple University’s women’s basketball team, accused Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop of drugging and sexually assaulting her at his mansion near Philadelphia in January 2004. Cosby was hit with three charges of aggravated indecent assault. The trial lasted six days and most of that was spent on the prosecution presenting their case. Cosby’s defense team only took six minutes to present their case and called one witness. I’m surprised they took six minutes. That seems like a long time. I would think they’d just tell the jury, “Now, do you really think that the beloved TV dad you grew up with would ever be guilty of something other than wearing wacky sweaters?!” Cosby didn’t testify.
CNN says that the jury started deliberating on Monday night and after spending a total of 31 hours trying to decide if he’s guilty or innocent, they shuffled into court today to shrug at the judge and let him know they are deadlocked.
Somewhere in Bill Cosby’s mansion, one of his assistants is writing the word “roofie” in Braille on his entire stash of ludes, because he reportedly can’t see shit anymore. Not only that, but Bill Cosby’s Pennsylvania mansion has become his prison and his only friends are the lawyers who are being paid to spend time with him. I’ll wait here as you strain your face while trying to squirt out one tear of sympathy for him…… Not happening? Yeah, didn’t think so. Moving on….
Bill Cosby has been figuratively blind for decades, but Page Six says that he’s totally blind now. One of Cosby’s lawyers (aka a paid friend) played that “Woe Is The Pudding Pop Don” card earlier this year when they said that prosecutors have chosen to go after a poor, little old blind man. Cosby has an eye condition call “keratoconus” that has caused him to go 100% blind in both eyes. The source spit this out:
“His alleged victims may take some solace in the fact that he’s in his own personal hell. He has been suffering from a degenerative eye disease and is completely blind . . . All his Hollywood friends have turned their backs on him. He is confined to his house in Pennsylvania, and the only person on his side is his wife, Camille, who is masterminding his defense. His only friends are the small army of lawyers on his payroll.”
Now, I’m not one to say that so-and-so’s personal hell is more of a personal hell than so-and-so’s personal hell, but I’m sure that the women Cosby allegedly drugged and raped are living in hell’s personal hell.
Cosby is expected to go to trial sometime this year, so Page Six’s story may be his lawyers’ way of starting their defense early by letting prospective jurors know that he’s been through enough. I mean, the man can’t even continue to pursue his favorite hobby of mixology anymore!
A Christmas miracle happened last December when Bill Cosby was hit with three aggravated assault charges for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand at his home in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania in 2004. The Pennsylvania District Attorney charged Cosby just a month before the statute of limitations on the case expired. Andrea sued Cosby in civil court in 2005 and the case was later settled. The case was also originally closed by the D.A. due to lack of evidence, but it was re-opened last summer after 97.9% of the female population came forward with their own gross tales of Cosby’s alleged drugging ways, and a deposition where he admitted to giving ludes to women was unsealed. Cosby’s lawyers have been trying to get the charges against him thrown out, but that didn’t work, and now he’s going to trial.
CNN says that at a pretrial hearing in Norristown, Pennsylvania this morning, a judge ruled that there’s enough evidence for him to stand trial. The next hearing has been scheduled for July 20, and he’s expected to spit out his plea then and we’re all expecting it to be, “Sqoo bada NOT nerp dub paw tap tap GUILTY!”
AP also recently published pieces of Cosby’s deposition from Andrea Constand’s lawsuit in 2005. Cosby admitted that during the filming of one of his shows, an agency sent about five or six models, some of them teenagers, to his studio a week. Cosby testified that he remembers that he told one of the teenage models to jack him off with lotion. More details like that could come out during Cosby’s trial. So if you’re planning on following the trial, you should ask your doctor to drill an easy-access hole into your skull. That way you can easily pour a cleansing mixture of bleach and ammonia onto your brain at the end of each trial day.
If Cosby is convicted, he faces up to 10 years in the chokey. Also if Bill Cosby is convicted, our bodies face a life of having no heads, because that shit will pop off over finding out that a powerful man in Hollywood was actually punished for something.