It sounds like things aren’t going quite as well for Bill Cosby in prison as he had previously let on. Last we heard he was adored by all, feeling great, and luxuriating in the prestige that only comes with being an imprisoned civil rights hero and a political martyr. But all of a sudden he wants out. Like real, real bad. Like he dropped his harmonica down the toilet and his cellmate stole his stamps bad.
Bill’s been trying to appeal his sexual assault conviction since the gavel dropped, but he’s just filed a request for bail with the Superior Court so he can shit in private while that’s happening. Bill’s also released a statement explaining why he should never have had his toilet paper rationed in the first place. He’s a political prisoner don’t you know, and the racist judge is out to get him! Plus now there’s corn in his harmonica. Bill doesn’t even remember eating corn!
Bill Cosby is having the time of his fucking life in prison. He’s been there about 4 months and was recently released into/onto the general population. According to his spokesperson, Bill’s right where he wants to be, standing in the shadows, nay eclipsing the shadows, of the greatest civil rights warriors known to mankind (or womankind, wait no, just mankind). Vulture reports that Bill is having “an amazing experience” and compares himself to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and Malcolm X. He’s also been playing doctor with the his fellow inmates and offering diagnoses based on his experiences of acting out the role of an OB/GYN on TV. He’s probably also hanging out near the shitter catching corn-filled commissary turds left and right yelling “It’s a boy!“.
Suddenly, the guard moving the TV remote in the prison day room is the least of Bill Cosby’s worries. Deadline reports that an L.A. Superior Court judge has just granted a woman named Judy Huth a trial date of October 17, 2019 for her civil suit against Bill, accusing him of sexually assaulting her at the Playboy Mansion when she was 15. That means he’s being accused of child sexual assault, which is not going help his case for getting double Jell-Os on Wednesdays.
Whatever Camille Cosby had envisioned for her golden years, it certainly wasn’t making weekly visits to the pokey to sit in an overly-lit room that smells of ammonia and fried bologna to visit her jailbird husband, but that is where we are. ABC 6 reports that Bill Cosby’s got fewer options than a new pilot starring Roseanne Barr called What’s The Big Deal? co-starring Dustin Diamond as Squawk, her Ambien induced hallucination. America’s judge, Justice Steven O’Neill, ruled against Bill’s most recent request for a new trial or sentencing hearing on Tuesday. And Camille has made it known she thinks it’s a travesty of justice!
This is news that should please only Remy Ma and whoever else who thinks Bill Cosby is too old for punishment. On September 25, a court sentenced 81-year-old convicted rapist Bill Cosby to three to ten years in prison. Bill’s legal team was doing everything possible to prevent their client from facing a shred of responsibility for his actions, and they’re still at it.
UPDATE: And now with mug shot, in case you needed a feel-good wallpaper for your phone.
Bill Cosby will have at least three years to perfect his prison Puddin’ Pop recipe (using dirty toilet water, generic brand gelatin bought from the commissary and powdered milk), because today he was hit with a 3 to 10 year prison sentence for drugging and raping Andrea Constand in 2004. And just like that, Trump crossed Cosby’s name off of the list of possible replacements in case Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination doesn’t go through.