There are ostriches that bury their head in the sand like I do anytime someone comes at me with the caloric figures of 99% of the menu at the Cheesecake Factory. There are also ostriches that bury their entire life in the sand…y’know…like Camille Cosby. Camille’s denial runs so deep that even Sarah “I don’t believe in global warming…it’s just God holding us closer” Palin has to wonder, “Bitch, what’s your problem?” Camille has tried to say the litany of sexual misconduct and rape allegations against her husband, Bill Cosby…or Pepaw Perv (y’all can pick!), were a witch hunt akin and even once compared it to Emmet Till. If you can believe a recent report, Camille’s sensory blinders have been lifted and her ass has ditched Bill and is holed up in their Massachusetts home in the woods. I suddenly smell a geriatric Bon Iver album to drop any day now… Continue reading
Considering that less than a month ago he was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault for drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand, Bill Cosby’s probably doing just fine. He’s on house arrest and is posted up in his Pennsylvania mansion which probably isn’t even haunted. His wife Camille still, I’m sure, brings him his slippers every morning and plants a sweet kiss on her favorite grotesque head mole. But his ordeal isn’t over yet. According to CNN, the 80-year-old Cosby has a sentencing hearing scheduled for September 24th and 25th where he could face up to 30 years in prison (that’s 10 years for each count). However, the likelihood of him rotting away in a jail cell and turning into Ghost Dad for reals, is small.
It’s been a week since Bill Cosby went from alleged sexual predator to convicted sexual predator (the only way that verdict would’ve been more perfect if it was laid down by the rapist-destroyer Judge Rosemarie Aquilina), and as we wait to see if he’s going to die in prison or die while waiting to see if the verdict sticks, Camille Cosby has taken to the stage and warbled out a heave-inducing rendition of Stand By Your Man Even If He Was Convicted Of Rape.
After spraying herself down with a generous spritzing of Complicit from Ivanka Trump, Camille sharted out a long statement that some are calling “blistering.” If by that they mean that her statement caused oozing pus-filled blisters to form on my eyeballs when I read it, then they’re right! Camille really went for it by demanding a criminal investigation against the District Attorney, accusing Cosby’s victim Andrea Constand of being a money-hungry lie-teller, saying the media has her husband’s pure innocent blood all over their hands, and comparing him to Emmet Till, the 14-year-old African-American boy who was lynched in 1955 after a white woman lied and said he flirted with her. Well, I guess if your job for decades has been to enable and support Ole’ Pervy Puddin’ Pop, and he finally gets his, you gotta step the messiness up and throw every kind of crazy against the wall hoping that something sticks. (None of it does.)
Yesterday, the #MeToo movement claimed its first legal victory when Bill Cosby was convicted on all three counts of sexual assault. Oh, Bill. You should have known after they brought you back for a second trial your ass was going to jail this time. They didn’t bring you there to perform, even though apparently you still did. So y’all know things are about to start going downhill for ol’ pill pushin’ Bill. For example, Atlanta based television network Bounce has decided it’s time for them to bounce from supporting Cosby by yanking reruns of The Cosby Show from their lineup.
CNN and everybody else, including their mothers, are reporting that 80-year-old Bill Cosby has actually been found guilty on three counts of assault against Andrea Constand. He was being retried after a mistrial was declared last June. Hell hath frozen over.
Every good gay gets a little tingle in the film adaptation of Chicago when Velma Kelly (played by Olivia de Havilland’s favorite actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones) takes to the stand and is asked if she’ll tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help her God…and replies, “and then some.” Clearly they were airing Chicago on Janice Dickinson’s flight to Pennsylvania to testify in a case against Bill Cosby. Because Janice came out swinging so much that I bet they had to dismiss early that day on account of suburban Philadelphia not knowing how to handle everything she served. Continue reading