Even though Mariah Carey’s travel-size equivalent Ariana Grande ended her 8-month long relationship with Big Sean more than seven weeks ago, people are still asking Ariana Grande about Big Sean and she is NOT having any of it. So much so that on Sunday, she hissed at one of her assistants/carriers to grab a pen and “Take a fucking memo” (I’m assuming) and tweeted a long-ass feminist-flavored rant bout not belonging to anyone and not being Big Sean’s “property.”
Before today, I never would have guessed that very sexy baby (copyright: 30 Rock) Ariana Grande would pull out a quote by Gloria Steinem in a Twitter rant about sluts vs. studs, but here we are. It’s like she listened to Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” for the first time this weekend while shopping for new ponytails, then rushed off to the library to check out as many books on women’s studies as her library card would allow. With that being said, Ariana Grande many thoughts on the subject, so prepare yourself for a whole lot of reading.
Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.
When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.
A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:
1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.
2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.
3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.
What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?
Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy
Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!”
Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the
Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:
“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”
I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!
An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.
No, you’re not looking at a blurry outtake from an engagement photo shoot between My Buddy and a Yasmin doll. It’s actually the swaggy kindergarten classroom hamster known as Justin Bieber making a surprise appearance during pocket-sized yodeling terror Ariana Grande’s show in Inglewood last night. I guess he had too much fruit punch backstage (sugar makes him hyperactive), because he started getting a little handsy with Ariana during their performance of “As Long As You Love Me”. Poor Ariana – it’s going to take at least 3 showers to wash the stank of Axe Jr. Lil’ Spritz off her skin.
Shortly after Justin Bieber started rubbing up on Ariana from behind, some people in the audience started doing the You In Danger, Girl shuffle, because Ariana is currently bumping parts with Big Sean. TMZ says shortly after this all happened, a tweet from Big Sean appeared on the internet that said: “That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that.” Of course, the tweet was later deleted, and a rep for Big Sean claims it was totally fake because apparently Big Sean and Justin Bieber are friends. Oh no, Big Sean, that’s the sort of thing you don’t admit out loud.
But that wasn’t even the most awkward part of the night, if you can beliebe it (yes I hate myself for typing that):
Okay Justin, we got it – you’re wearing big boy pants now. Put it away.
Here’s more of Justin working some sweet Kids Incorporated-approved moves at Ariana Grade’s show last night, as well as Ariana Grande looking like the grand marshal of a slutty figure skating costume parade:
I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?
But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.
Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:
If you’re ever around toddlers for some reason – first of all, I’m sorry you have to go through that and just remember that Valium and red wine are your friends and support system. But anyway, if you’re ever around toddlers for some reason and never have anything to talk about with them, because they’re toddlers, here’s some ~HOT GOSSIP~ they probably care about. The come-to-life Steve Madden bobblehead who should be thrown in a prison cell for blatantly thieving Charo’s signature hairstyle is getting on Naya Rivera’s leftovers. They’re the JLo and Diddy for the kindergarten playground set.
E! News says that 21-year-old Ariana Grande Latte (Side note: That’s not a typo. She’s a 21-year-old grown person who just looks like a fetus in a wig) and 26-year-old Big Sean have known each for a second or two since they made a song together, but recently they started hanging out more and more. Some source says that the yodeling off-brand Bratz doll who is single-handedly responsible for unleashing the fame whore flamingo monster Frankie Grande on the world and Big Sean went to see The Purge at The Grove in L.A. and they touched lips during it. Because nothing is more romantic than watching creepy fucks in plastic masks set people on fire. A different source spit this out about the two:
“They have been friends since they made the song together. They have been spending more time together and recently have been getting very close. They are both doing great.”
Big Sean was engaged to Kim Kartrashian’s face stalker Naya Rivera a little while ago and after they broke up she married some other dude on their wedding date. Ariana Grande Latte was dating Danny from six period English, but she broke up with him through emojis when she caught him checking out that whore skank Gina in the quad.
This is obviously a PR relationship that was born in a record executive’s office. If Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean were doing it for real, it would be obvious to anybody with eyes. I mean, if that (NSFW) leaked nude tells the truth, then Big Sean’s dick is about the size of Ariana Grande Latte’s entire body. So if they were fucking, she’d be in a wheelchair or the bottom part of her body would be held together with rope and duct tape because he split her in two.
But if they are together for real, I hope they get married and I hope he takes her last name, so he can become Big Grande (Sean is his last name, right?).
And here’s the newest song they did together and it’s obviously a coincidence that they released it yesterday. I’m bracing my eardrums just in case it’s a hit like that”Problem” song, which is everywhere. I had blood work done at my doctor’s office this morning and even they were playing that song. Is no space sacred?! They were probably playing it because they knew it would make me sicker and then they’d have to feed me more meds. I’m on to you, Obama!
Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.
Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.
But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.
To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.
This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!
While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.
The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.
The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.
Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.
You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.
This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.
Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.
After creaming at the mouth about how much her heart jizzes for Big Sean and how she loves that he wears the pants in the relationship and how she’s always breaking her pussy by constantly riding on his (NSFW unless you work with John Travolta) tee ball bat dick, the plastic hybrid of JLo and Kim Kardashian isn’t going to marry him anytime soon. Star Magazine says that Naya Rivera pressed the stop button on their wedding plans, because Big Sean admitted to her that he dipped his foot-long beef wellington peen (beef willyngton?) into coochies that weren’t attached to her body. But in a statement of words to People, Big Sean ‘s spokeswhore says that he’s the one who broke things off and the rumors are not true. But what is true is that the 99 Cent Store Kim and Kanye dolls who’ve been collecting dust on a clearance shelf are over. The skies are filled with the tears of cherubs who are weeping over the death of true love.
“After careful thought and much consideration, Sean has made the difficult decision to call the wedding off. The recent rumors and accusations reported by so-called or fake sources are simply untrue. Sean wishes Naya nothing but the best and it is still his hope that they can continue to work through their issues privately. We will not be commenting again on this matter.”
This mess could get messier, because earlier today, Naya tweeted (and quickly deleted) this little accusation:
But a source (probably Big Sean’s silo-full-of-cum dick) tells TMZ that Big Sean didn’t steal anything from Naya and he broke off the wedding weeks ago, because she’s controlling and thinks he’s boning pieces on the side, which he says he’s not.
Well, since Naya is in the breaking up mood, she should also break up with the plastic surgeons, the mannequin makers, the wax figure sculptures, the auto painters, the weave masters, the contractors and anybody else who helped her look like a permanently-surprised Kim Kardashian claymation statue in Ron Perlman’s old Beast wig. Shit, she should break up with the part of herself that thought that doing that shit to her face was a good idea.
And here’s Naya at some Marie Claire party last night. Everybody she talked to was probably like, “Do I have some shit in my teeth? Is there a killer clown standing behind me, because why are your eyes all wide like that?”