Life sure as shit is imitating art for Ariana Grande. Her “thank u, next” single is quite the ode to her exes, and it seems like she’s taking each of them out for an ol’ time’s sake spin. Even though she said earlier this year she wasn’t dating anyone, Ari was spotted out and about with ex-boyfriend Ricky Alvarez, also referenced in the song. Her team maintained they were just friends, but now she’s been seen out with Big Sean. I love when people can still be friends after they break up…but there’s no way she ain’t boning some of these fellas.
Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande totally seem like that couple from high school who would have signed each other’s yearbooks multiple times with exceedingly cheesy messages (“I wuv woo more than our geometry class trip to the box factory“). So of course they’ve got a number of tattoos in honor of each other. But as it turns out, Pete’s body actually is like a yearbook, and it also includes a little message courtesy of Ariana’s ex-boyfriend Big Sean.
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.
There once was as time when the IKEA As-Is section version of Kim and Kanye wasn’t Kylie Jenner and Tyga. It was back in 2014, and that couple was Naya Rivera and Big Sean. Naya and Big were engaged, but they called it off. Some people speculated that Naya ended things because Big Sean had been offering up his dick to strangers like a one-man sausage sample station at Costco. But Big Sean refuted that claim by releasing a post-breakup statement denying that he’s a cheater. A few months later, he started dating Ariana Grande. Naya wrote about those rumors in her recent tell-all book Sorry Not Sorry, and she’s more than happy to give you a not-so-subtle hint about who Sean may have cheated with.
Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.
If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.
I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.
With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.
Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.