The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.
Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.
After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.
Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.
And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:
I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).
The final score is:
Broncos: Who cares.
Panthers: Who Cares:
Cookie: All of the points. All of them.
The Beyhive planned to use this Saturday as a day of rest to prepare their bodies for tomorrow when they’re going to hump the TV while chanting their favorite psalm (aka their favorite Beyonce song) when she performs on the Super Bowl Halftime Show, but their god fucked that all up by putting out her new song and video. Beyonce first released her new song “Formation” on Tidal, but even she knows that mess is dried up, so it was released on YouTube six seconds later. Beyonce will perform her new song during the halftime show tomorrow while the supposed headliners Coldplay sit backstage eating lukewarm pizza before assistants tell them to wait in the bus because they’re in the way.
Beyonce has pretty much hijacked the Super Bowl from Coldplay, so I’m sure she’ll make Kanye West’s album Waves sink when she releases her new album for free on the same day as his. And she’s probably going to announce she’s knocked up with triplets at the beginning of the Grammys next Monday, so everyone nominated can go ahead and cancel their dress fittings and stay home since that show is going to be a Beyonce worship fest too.
Anyway, here’s the video which is a Vogue spread meets a Black Lives Matter protest meets Big Freedia meets Beyonce sinking a cop car meets Blue Ivy’s first communion:
On one hand, I can’t really get into this all the way, because Basement Baby is supposed to be the Queen of New Orleans! Beyonce just had to snatch that crown away from her! But on the other hand, I love the lyric “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I mean, really good dick is worthy of a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
I always assumed Beyonce’s management team was The Illuminati, who spoke directly to Blue Ivy using a series of coded words on an untraceable phone line patched through to her by her intern Solange. But apparently her management team was real people, and apparently they’re all out of a job today, because she decided to can them.
According to Page Six, Beyonce has quit her general manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to a dude named Steve Pamon. A source tells Page Six that Lee Anne isn’t the only one packing her shit in a box to the left to the left today. One of them was her cousin. HER COUSIN!
“Beyonce basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, which included her cousin, and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level. She has one album left to deliver before her deal is up with Columbia, plus she wants to make smarter decisions where it comes to touring, sponsorships and acting roles.”
A higher level? I didn’t think there was a level higher than Her Royal Highness Supreme Queen of Heaven and Earth BEYONCE!!!.
Beyonce rep commented on Beyonce’s mass firing by saying: “Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Page Six doesn’t say who else is on Beyonce’s new team. But since Beyonce has a major boner for surrounding herself with the best of the best, I’m surprised she didn’t fire everyone and try to replace them all with cardboard cutouts of herself. Or maybe she did, but Jay Z had to pull her aside and remind her that it’s a good idea to keep one of two real people around, just in case she has any questions. Like “What tool do I use to Photoshop my thigh gap again?” or “How do I decline this phone call from Kanye’s wife?”
And here’s the reason Beyonce exists, Mama Tina, trying to go incognito in her Sith Lord finest at a nail salon earlier this week.
Just in case you missed it, Beyonce and Coldplay dropped a new music video yesterday. So before we start, quick question: When you think about India what comes to your mind? Whatever it is, after today, it will surely change. Now, once you think about India, you’ll think about Beyonce wearing traditional Desi garb, henna tattoos and the weave from a Hindu temple dyed blonde.
Why? Because “Hymn for the Weekend,” off of Coldplay’s new album, “A Head Full of Dreams,” is filled with so many Indian cliches you’ll be amazed that Amandla Stenberg hasn’t produced an angry rant video about it.
Filmed mostly on location in Mumbai, India (the Beyonce parts obviously weren’t) by director Ben Mor, the video comes a week before Beyonce and Chris Martin, along with that band he’s in, are set to perform during the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show on February 7. Throughout the video, Our Modern Day Virgin Mary follows Chris like a stubborn STD that just won’t go away even when he’s trying to do as the locals and get into Holi. She’s on a billboard, she’s on a movie screen, she’s EVERYWHERE.
As the New York Daily News points out, some people on Twitter accused them of cultural appropriation:
“Are we gonna discuss how Beyonce dressing up as an Indian woman for the Coldplay video is cultural appropriation, or no?”
“Beyonce’s appropriation was unnecessary imo. If it was someone white it would’ve been [racist]. I think there’s a difference.”
On the other side, some fans don’t necessarily view it as cultural appropriation but more-so appreciation.
“Beyonce did nothing wrong…y’all really gotta learn the difference between appreciation and appropriation”
If Beyonce really wanted to showcase her love of Indian culture she should have taken notes from her husband, Jay-Z and call Panjabi MC to do a track with him. Somewhere in Mumbai, a discotheque is still listening to “Beware of the Boys” and it’s 2016, honey. Hell, I still listen to “Beware of the Boys.”
If you’re Alex Rodriguez, I’d know you’d hit it like the final pitch at the World Series. This is A-Rod’s dream girl. She’s got the 3 Bs: blonde, buff and butch!
On last night’s second season premiere of Lip Sync Battle, Jenna Dewan Tatum did herself up in bro drag (complete with Mimi-like painted on abs) to channel her husband Channing Tatum while performing Ginuwine’s Pony. Channing Tatum’s response to that was to tuck, pluck and fuck it up as Chanyonce while performing Run The World (Girls). Channing Tatum as Beyonce looks more like He-Man in drag as She-Ra. Chanyonce is giving me Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face on Madonna’s body.
The queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race have nothing to worry about, because Channing lip synched about as good as Brit Brit Spears after getting her mouth shot up with novocaine. But what Chanyonce lacked in lip synching skills, he made up for in charisma and pussy popping. A very special guest also strutted out at the end. Sadly, it wasn’t Jonah Hill who did himself up in Shakira drag to perform Beautiful Liar. Prepare your b-hole for puckering:
To quote Channing Tatum:
I love how Beyonce gave Chanyonce props at the end. I don’t think she even did that with Michelle Williams. Chanyonce and Beyonce should really be the Super Bowl Halftime Show headliners. Move over, Coldplay.
Channing also did Queen Elsa and this is obviously the role he was born to play.
And it weirds me out to say this, but yeah, I’d hit it until his wig popped off.
Here’s Beyonce leaving a holiday party for her company Parkwood Entertainment in NYC last night and I had to blink a few times before I figured out that this isn’t RiRi in one of her everyday outfits. This is just adding more fuckery fuel to the rumors that Jay-Z humped on RiRi. I mean, Jay-Z is making Beyonce dress like RiRi now!
I know that this look is supposed to be all quirky and spontaneous and like something she threw on while getting wasted at her office holiday party, but I bet it took 4 stylists, an approval from Anna Wintour and 8 designers to put it together. It almost didn’t come together, because FedEx was late in delivering the custom-made Hermes rabbit fur and red-dyed mohair Santa hat from France. They almost had to go with the mink and sable Santa hat from Prada and that would’ve ruined everything!
I was considering Photoshopping Beyonce’s head over Judy Garland’s on the poster for the 1954 version of A Star Is Born, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you write yourself a one-way ticket to Hell.
So, way way back in March, when we first heard that Bradley Cooper had replaced elderly grimace Clint Eastwood as the director of another A Star Is Born remake that was happening, we were reminded of the rumor that Clint originally wanted Beyonce to star in that shit. However, she decided to move on to a much bigger project called Blue Ivy Carter. Well, according to Page Six, Beyonce is back in. That loud furious clicking sound you just heard was one of the more tech savvy members of the Beyhive changing the title of A Star Is Born to A Legend Is Born: The Story of BEYONCE!!!! on IMDB.
A source claims that B. Coop’s remake of A Star Is Born probably won’t happen until the end of 2016 or the beginning of 2017, but he already has his star. The source says Beyonce is “a go” and was looking for an “iconic dramatic role.” What? “Looking“? I’m sorry, but Beyonce’s wig is clearly on too tight if she is unable to remember the iconic blank-eyed thespian greatness that was Xania in The Pink Panther. The source adds that development of A Star Is Born is taking such a long time, because B. Coop recently laid two giant turds (Burnt and Aloha) and he wants to get in at least one non-stinker before his remake.
Speaking of acting, Beyonce has apparently been taking acting lessons, I guess because she doesn’t want to go from “Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce” to “two-time Razzie-nominated actress Beyonce“. Today your thoughts and prayers should be with the poor unfortunate soul who has to utter the words “Um…let’s try that scene again.” I’m sure they’re damn near frozen half to death from repeated exposure to Beyonce’s ice-cold “Bitch, no” face.
KFed vs. The Beyhive is the battle I didn’t know I needed in my life.
Kevin Federline, the old cum stain on a pair Von Dutch panties that refuses to be scrubbed out, made people remember he exists over the weekend when he talked shit about Beyonce. KFed instantly became Beyhive enemy #1 right after the sports site Terez Owens tweeted this picture of the Queen of the Beyhive and Jay-Z at some fight in Las Vegas:
KFed saw that picture and made the stingers of the BumbleBeys shake with these three words:
@TerezOwens she looked botoxed
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
And then he said that Beyonce looks like she should be scaring people while riding around on a little red tricycle.
So sad when a beautiful woman chops and screws her face up w/Botox and surgery… #sawface
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
I’m sure the Beyhive is making plans to hit KFed where it really hurts (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to break into his closet and destroy his beloved collection of white socks and Adidas slide sandals.) But before they do that, they’ve been filling up his mentions on Twitter. Of course, they dragged Our Lady of Cheetos into it, which makes no sense since she’s an all-natural youthful Louisiana blossom.
This is so random that I love it, but the Beyhive really doesn’t know who they’re fucking with. KFed is so damn fertile that he can knock a bitch up through a DM. If the Beyhive keeps screwing with KFed, he will send them all a DM and as soon as they open it up, BOOM pregnant. And they’ll be cursing his name for the next 18 years every time they have to write him a child support check.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
The whispers that one of Jay Z’s 99 problems was the struggle of trying to hide the fact that he was banging Rihanna from his wife has been around since the beginning of time (no, for real, I’m sure there are cave paintings showing a woman with a joint in her mouth receiving a text that says “U awake?“). There was even a theory that Jay Z’s relationship with RiRi was the reason for why Solange went loco on his ass in an elevator after the Met Gala. Basically, we all agreed that at one point in time, Jay Z’s dick probably smelled like space weed and zero fucks.
Well, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay, you can go ahead and stop side-eyeing Rihanna for doing the electric adulterous camel slide with Jay Z, because that rumor is about as real as the birthdate on Beyonce’s driver’s license. Jonathan was forced to tell the truth after he was outed by J. Randy Taraborrelli, the author of Becoming Beyonce, an unauthorized biography about – DUH – Beyonce. J. Randy (hot name) claims that Jonathan wanted to drum up some publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay“, back in 2005. And when in doubt, a rumor about fucking your married mentor usually works.
Jonathan says that he has since apologized to Beyonce, and that the whole thing is “very awkward.” No, Jonathan – awkward is telling your parents you’re considering entering the witness protection program after you received a mountain of death threats from the Beyhive for bey-smirching their queen’s good name.
You know, I want to believe Jonathan. I really do. But something about this stinks of weave glue and Photoshopped thighs. Does anyone have a video recording of Jonathan Hay coming clean? I wouldn’t be surprised if said video was filmed in a basement next to Solange’s cot, and features the shadowy figures of Bey’s henchmen (Kelly and Michelle) blocking the door while the voice of Blue Ivy instructs him to read the cue cards exactly as they’ve been written if he wants to see outside again.
Meanwhile, I’m sure if you asked Rihanna if anything nasty happened between her and Jay Z, she’d just shrug and be like “Who cares? NEXT.” Here’s RiRi looking like a bootleg Color Me Badd doll while performing last night in LA.