Category: Beyonce

“Higher, You Fools! Blue Ivy’s Feet Must Never Touch The Ground!”

July 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!

The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.

Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.

Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.

Pic: Instagram

Beyoncé And Jay-Z Want To Call It Quits Without Getting A Divorce

July 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And now for your hourly update on the state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s maybe-crumbling marriage. According to Page Six, the everlasting love between Yawncé and Joe Camel is as dead as the wifi signal in the basement (Unable to join the network “Is there not a box of old weaves I asked you to organize, Solange?”). But because Beyoncé has an ego the size of …well…Beyoncé’s ego, and Jay-Z doesn’t want to admit that one of his 99 problems is, in fact, his bitch, they’re doing everything in their power to keep from getting divorced.

A source claims that Jay-Z hired marriage counsellors to travel with them on their “On The Run” tour, but they’re really only there to help them pretend they don’t totally hate each other as they sing about being sooooo in love night after night. Apparently, once the tour ends, Beyoncé plans on putting everything Jay-Z owns in a box to the left and telling that hussy-chasing camel to hit the bricks. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby. Basically, IT’S OVER. Except that it’s not:

“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”

The only thing those two whores love more than attention is money, so this must be a tough decision for them. While Stuntyoncé and Jay-Z would no doubt kill for the chance to milk the hell out of a public divorce, they also want to keep counting their money without getting that guilty feeling that comes from swindling gullible fools at $75 a pop. That’s what’s known in the legal community calls a Katch-22, aka ”The Kardashian Connundrum”.

And how dare I refer to Blue Ivy a band-aid baby! I should know better. Band-aids are for commoners. Surely there’s some kind of luxury designer adhesive bandage product on the market. Maybe in France? Oh shit, I spoke to soon…

Pic: Instagram

Fifty Shades Of Bey: So Beyonce’s Going To Be On The Fifty Shades Of Grey Soundtrack, I Guess

July 20, 2014 / Posted by:

On February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorces filed in one single day will be made when millions of husbands file for divorce, because they’d rather legally break up with their wives than fulfill their wives’ VD gift request of suffering through Fifty Shades of Shit. Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t splatter against movie screens until VD 2015, but they’re already farting out trailers and teasers and teaser trailers, because they want to torture us all and they know that the anticipation will tickle at the dormant clits of middle-aged moms and get them to buy their tickets NOW.

Seen above looking like a Las Vegas ninja taking a boring shit, Beyonce threw up a teaser for the Fifty Shades of Puke trailer, which comes out on Thursday. The teaser trailer doesn’t show the only thing I want in a Fifty Shades of Grey teaser trailer, a close-up of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass, but it does have a slowed-down, fuck me version of “Crazy In Love” in it. Yes, Beyonce is involved in Fifty Shades Of Smegma. This is Beyonce’s way of reminding you that her ass will do anything for more MONAY!!!!!!! I know Beyonce’s a sub, but it would’ve made more sense if Basement Baby was involved in this mess instead since she’s the Christian Grey of the family. We all watched her slap and spank at Jay-Z in that elevator.

Here’s the trailer for the trailer:

That moaning at the end sounds like Beyonce’s doing the “uh oh uh oh” from Crazy In Love while lying in a Calgon bath during an Ambien and red wine-induced half coma. That half-asleep moan is the same half-asleep moan that I’ll probably make when I drag myself to see this piece of shit in theaters. Yes, I’ll probably see this wreck in theaters, because I don’t love myself and will suffer through some serious shit to see Jamie Dornan’s ass on a huge screen in front of me.

QOTD: Linda Perry Calls Out Beyonce’s “Songwriting” Skills

July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Some pop stars will take a song they didn’t write at all and change one tiny lyric so they can get the songwriting credit, because: 1) The throbbing, pus-filled ego monster that lives inside of them tells them that the song is nothing without them and; 2) The throbbing, pus-filled greed monster that also lives inside of them wants that royalty money. Beyonce is known for pulling that trick. So during a Reddit AMA (via Vulture) to promote her new Vh1 show Make or Break, songwriter and 4 Non-Blonder Linda Perry was asked what she thinks about hos pulling that shit. As the BumbleBeys of the Beehive prepared their stingers for attack, she spit this out.

Linda, how do you feel about Beyonce changing one word on a song and getting writing credit. Does that bother you as a songwriter?

well hahaha um thats not songwriting but some of these artists believe if it wasnt for them your song would never get out there so they take a cut just because they are who they are. but everyone knows the real truth even Beyonce. She is talented but in a completely different way

That statement is dripping with pure, potent, sickening jealousy! The chola Erykah Badu is obviously just jealous of Beyonce’s impeccable writing skills, because she wishes she wrote the classic Christmas song Silent Night,  the haunting Ave Maria and the disco masterpiece Emotion like Beyonce did! How dare Linda Perry come for little, old songwriting artist Beyonce. I mean, Beyonce obviously writes her own songs. We all saw her scribble in her notebook in that insufferable propaganda piece masquerading as an HBO documentary!

The VMA Nominations Were Announced This Morning And Beyoncé Was Nominated For Everything

July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

You know Beyoncé is so pissed right now. She released a whole album’s worth of ~deep~ music videos, and all she gets are 8 crappy Video Music Awards nominations?!? She probably thought MTV would create a special Beyoncé-centric awards ceremony honoring her achievement in film called the MTV (in association with The Illuminati) Presents Creative Excellence in Moving Pictures: A Tribute to Her Majesty BEYONCÉ!!!

But it is nice of MTV to actually go along with the charade of releasing nominations and not just backing a dump truck full of moon man statues into Beyoncé’s driveway. That’s very thoughtful of them. UsWeekly has the whole list of nominations, but the important ones (aka BEYONCÉ’S NOMINATIONS!!! aka her future wins) are after the jump.

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File Under “Learn How To Use A Condom”: Beyoncé’s Dad Might Have Fathered Another Secret Baby

July 8, 2014 / Posted by:

And I bet “Beyoncé’s Dad” is exactly how he introduces himself when he slithers up to potential targets at the hotel bar. “Hey there foxy lady, can Beyoncé’s Dad buy you a drink? No? Well what about Beyoncé’s former manager? Can he buy you a drink? C’mom baby, how about the ex-husband of House of Deréon designer Tina Knowles? You want some Deréon sneakers? I think I got some in the car. Only $39.99.”

According to BuzzFeed, Beyoncé’s skeevy father Mathew Knowles might be adding to his collection of whoopsie babies, because a Houston-area woman has come forward claiming she let Beyoncé’s Dad hit it sometime back in 2009 and in 2010 she popped out a destiny’s child. 30-year-old Taqoya Branscomb claims that 63-year-old Mathew is the father of her 4-year-old daughter. I’ll save you from having to dig out your calculator: that means in 2010, Beyoncé’s 59-year-old father was sniffing around for 26-year-old snatch. STAY CLASSY, MATHEW.

Taqoya has come forward because she wants Mathew to take a DNA test and start paying child support (and maybe get her a couple VIP passes for when the “On The Run” Tour rolls through Houston?). Hey Taqoya? First of all, hot name, and second of all, go ahead and let Maury know that he’s not needed, because Beyoncé’s dad is definitely the daddy. Back in 2009, that dumb horny pepaw was fucking anything that moved and he wasn’t wearing a condom. If Taqoya’s baby is his (it is, count on it) it will be the second secret baby he made in 2009. That we know of! There’s probably a lot more, but the baby mamas are scared that if they come forward, Mathew will send his muscle (Basement Baby) to “pay them a little visit”.

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I See Basement Baby Is Waiting Until She Writes A Tell-All To Talk About “That Thing”

July 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Basement Baby did an interview with Lucky Magazine where she talked about fashion (Who cares!) and her music (Who cares: the sequel!), and barely said anything about the only reason why Lucky gave her the cover. Lucky was probably wishing that they’d get a juicy quote out of Basement Baby, but she honored the Illuminati oath of silence she had to sign if she didn’t want her allowance cut in half. Basement Baby didn’t say that she proudly beat that camel and PETA can come at her. Basement Baby only said that her family is all good and I’m taking that to mean that Tina Knowles moved the children’s table, where BB sits during holiday dinners, to another room so she wouldn’t get the urge to throw a knife at Jay-Z when he looks at her funny.

The day we’re talking in the park is two weeks after TMZ published a leaked elevator video of Knowles getting into an altercation with brother-in-law Jay Z the night of the Met ball at the Standard Hotel. It’s a subject she expects in conversation but one she doesn’t want to focus on. She calls the incident “that thing.” “What’s important is that my family and I are all good,” she says. “What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”

Well, that cleared up EVERYTHING!

I get it, Basement Baby’s daddy taught her well. Why would she spit out the story of that elevator beat down to a magazine for free when she can use it in the future to sell the tell-all she’ll have to write after Beyonce really cuts off her allowance for drop-kicking Jay-Z again at a family reunion. Or Basement Baby’s waiting until Lifetime wants to buy the story from her so they can turn it into a movie starring a Furby in a wig as Beyonce, a Joe Camel stuffed toy as Jay-Z, Orlando Jones as Basement Baby and Bobbi Kristina’s gap as the elevator.

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Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.

Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!

Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.

No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.

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Beyonce Might’ve Admitted Through One Of Her Songs That Jay-Z Cheated On Her Ass

July 1, 2014 / Posted by:

You didn’t need Beyonce to tell you through one of her songs that Jay-Z has probably spit his camel saliva on his side piece’s crotch before riding that trick raw, but she’s going to tell you anyway, because she’s got a tour to sell. Rumors of Jay-Z’s wandering dick antics have been around since the beginning of Bey-Z time, but ever since Basement Baby tried to commit camel slaughter (call PETA!) in an elevator, more rumors have popped up. If anyone can take a rumor and stretch it out for maximum attention, it’s Beyonce. So during her and Jay-Z’s show in Cincinnati, OH on Saturday night, Beyonce perked up the ears of the BumbleBeys when she changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” (video below, starts at around the 3:25 mark).  The Mirror says that Beyonce changed the lyrics “been riding with you for 6 years” to “been riding with you for 12 years” which is how long she’s been riding the camel.  The STUNT QUEEN of Dereon also changed this lyric:

I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me.

To this lyric:

I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That bitch will never be.

Beyonce can fuck herself in the ass with that “half of me” shit. She has a lot of nerve singing that when “Resentmentwas originally sung by Posh Spice. And Beyonce doesn’t even have half of the nightingale vocal skills that Posh Spice has and she never will.

BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

Well, it could be one of two things. This could be another calculated move from Beyonce and Jay-Z and they’ll keep dropping hints like this throughout the tour and during the final show, she’ll serve him divorce papers while singing “Irreplaceable.” Or Beyonce is letting Jay-Z know that he better keep his sluttin’ ways on the down low or she’ll leave a trail of hay from his dressing room to the bottom of the basement stairs where a whoopin’ ass-ready Basement Baby will be waiting for him.

But in more important news, why the hell is Beyonce wearing a wedding outfit? Bitch, you ain’t Miss Havisham.

Beyoncé Knocked Oprah From The Top Spot On The Forbes 100 Celebrity List

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in Montecito, CA there’s a terrified-looking Stedman frantically running around a Starbucks trying to order $3 million dollars worth of chai tea lattes and screaming at a barista: “I’ll take whatever you’ve got! This is important, GODDAMNIT! Is this all of it here in the SALE bin? Ring it up faster!” before collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting: “There’s still time…there’s still time…it’s okay….Oprah won’t be too mad…”. Poor Stedman. Forbes magazine released their annual 100 Richest Assholes List (aka the Celebrity 100) today, and his boo Oprah was knocked from her spot at #1 by lifelike android chanteuse Beyoncé. Even worse, Her Majesty Oprah didn’t even get a seat at the exclusive Top 3 Table: instead, Forbes handed Oprah a tray and a bundle of plastic cutlery and told her there was a #4 spot and a stale chicken souvlaki waiting for her in the food court with the rest of the losers. Here’s the Top 10:

1. Beyoncé ($115 million)
2. LeBron James ($72 million)
3. Dr. Dre ($620 million – gold diggers everywhere just peed a little)
4. Oprah ($82 million)
5. Ellen DeGeneres ($70 million)
6. Jay-Z ($60 million)
7. Floyd Mayweather ($105 million)
8. Rihanna ($48 million)
9. Katy Perry ($40 million)
10. Robert Downey Jr. ($75 million)

The Forbes Celebrity 100 measures both fame and money, so while Yawncé didn’t make the most money, her massive ego fame makes up for it and put her at #1. Likewise, Oprah made a good chunk of money, but the former golden goose did nothing but lay coke-filled shit eggs this year. But it doesn’t matter, because this list is clearly inaccurate! The real Celebrity 100 Top 1o should read as follows:

1. The Hammaconda ($106 trillion in broken hearts)
2. Bruce Jenner (you can’t put a dollar value on exquisite beauty)
3. Anderson Cooper ($65 million)
4. Britney Jean Spears ($30 million in Velveeta)
5. That Bat Boy-looking kid from the Marlins Fan Cam ($20 million)
6. Saint Angie ($104 billion in angel dollars)
7. La Croix coconut soda (it’s the Champale of canned waters)
8. Mariah’s photoshop artiste (still waiting to get paid)
9. Purin the beagle ($30 million)
10. Princess RiRi’s nipples ($40/hour)

You’re right, I made a mistake – The Hammaconda should be numbers 1 through 100.

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