Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1′s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!
Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:
“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”
So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.
And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:
All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).
Well, looks like I just lost $50 in the Dlisted office pool. In a foolish act of Baileys-fueled regret, I put all my money on betting that Beyoncé would open her performance at the VMAs last night with a pre-taped video of her and Jay-Z backstage signing divorce papers with their lawyer (Blue Ivy Carter, Esq.), followed by her walking out on stage and singing a bunch of lyrics about true love and shit, then closing the show by inviting Jay-Z on stage with an ordained minister (Rev. Blue Ivy Carter) to get legally re-married. Instead, we got nearly 20 minutes of Beyoncé doing classic Beyoncé (HAIR! HANDS! FACE FACE FACE!) while singing every single damn Beyoncé song in existence, and now I’m out $50. Terrific. Sure, technically we did get a couple of assholes, but they were covered in gold glitter.
However, she did manage to squeeze in some classic Stuntyoncé at the end of her performance, when a camel who stole one of Run DMC’s hats came out to present Beyoncé with the Vanguard Award along with her holiness, Blue Ivy. Of course, Yawn-cé made sure to give Jay-Z a big kiss (closed-mouthed, since camels are known to spit) and act like the three of them were a damn come-to-life set of Heart Family dolls.
Ugh, I know I’m being a hater (send all emails to firstname.lastname@example.org) and yes, the Vines of Jay watching Blue Blue dancing along to Bey and Blue saying “Go Mommy!” are adorable, but we all know her and Jay are fucking done, so why even trot him out and make him participate in that tired shit? Bey didn’t need Jay there; Blue Ivy could have presented that award all by herself. Then again, if MTV had given Blue Ivy the Vanguard Award to present to her mother, she probably would have just crawled up to the mic and announced “the recipient of the Vanguard Award is…myself. Thank you”, since everyone knows she’s the real vanguard here.
And here’s Bey before her
publicity stunt performance and after looking both times like a very fancy Barbie doll.
I felt kind of bad cutting Basement Baby out of the picture, but then I was like, whatever, she’s used to it.
Tina Knowles, the ageless Mogwai goddess who birthed Beyoncé, was leaving lunch in Beverly Hills earlier today when she ran into TMZ. Personally, if I was lucky enough to run into Tina Knowles, I’d ask her a question like: “Do you think The Costume Institute will ever recognize your endless contributions to the fashion world?” or “Did you make Michelle look the worst on purpose?”, but I guess being in the presence of such an avant-garde visionary of neon lace and fringe made them all kinds of starstruck, and their paralyzed brains could only burp out a question about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s crumbling feta cheese of a marriage. According to Momma Yoncé, things between her daughter and Joe Camel aren’t just fine, they’re PERFECT!
Mama Tina must think we have dirty rhinestone dust for brains, because everybody knows that Bey and Jay’s relationshit (typo that stays) is about as stable as Solange in an elevator. So if she’s going to lie, at least exaggerate a little! Tell us things are so good between Bey and Jay, that they’re looking into an experimental surgery where their lips are fused together so they never have to stop kissing, or they’re planning on recording an album that’s just the sound of them staring into each others eyes, or that Beyoncé is pregnant with ten-tuplets and they’ll all be named Shawn Carter. Come on, have a little fun with it, Mama Tina!
Now that the “On The Run” tour has wrapped up (well, almost – the people of France still get to hiss out a bored “Le sigh” when the Stunt Twins bring their tired TWOO WUV act to town) Beyoncé has started to shift her energy from trying desperately to convince everyone that her marriage to Jay-Z is rock solid on Instagram to waterproofing her weave cellar in preparation for the inevitable tsunami of Bumble Bey tears that will drown North America when she announces there’s trouble in Camel-lot.
First she started looking for a new house, and now Us Weekly claims she’s looking for divorce advice. But instead of going to a marriage counselor or a lawyer, a source says she’s pulling up an imported marble foot stool hand-carved from the head of Michelangelo’s David and taking lessons from the world’s greatest best friend Gwyneth Paltrow in how to announce your divorce in the most obnoxious better-than-your-divorce way possible.
The “Crazy in Love” singer “has sought Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice as she plans her split,” the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey and Jay will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. Blue Ivy’s mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder’s amicable “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin, the first source says.
“The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together,” adds the insider. “The two will be all lovey-dovey.”
But what if Beyoncé wants to continue her education and learn more about being an insufferably snobby twat? Thankfully, The Goop Institute of Elitism offers a variety of post-divorce programs. For $500,000, students may enroll in any of the following classes personally taught by Professor Gwyneth K. Paltrow herself: General Snobbery, Perfection, Advanced Cluelessness, Living As A Struggling Single Mother, Billionaire Hunting, TV/VCR Repair, Bookkeeping, Auto Mechanics, Business Management, AND MORE! To receive a brochure from the prestigious GIoE, call 1-800-SNOB-4-ME, and please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.
A Woman Has Filed A Lawsuit Against Beyoncé And Jay-Z In Which She Claims To Be Blue Ivy’s Real Mother
According to The Hollywood Gossip, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity lawsuit in Manhattan that claims she is the real mother of The Illuminati Princess, Blue Ivy Carter (oh, here go hell come). The document alleges that Tina Seals – who sounds like a long-lost member of The Get Along Gang – was “previously associated” with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, and is seeking to verify whether she is the biological mother of Blue Ivy.“Nice to meet you Tina! Sorry we didn’t get a a chance to speak in the delivery room, but I was busy being removed and put into storage” - the pillow.
Typically a woman knows whether or not a baby fell out of her vagina, so maternity lawsuits are uncommon. However, what’s more unusual that filing a maternity suit is filing several maternity suits. Tina has also filed maternity suits claiming to be the real mother of North West, Mariah Carey’s twins Monroe and Moroccan, and Baby Prince George. In case you’re not yet convinced that Tina Seals *might* be a bundle of cray-cray, she also tried to sue the U.S. government for $5 million because (according to her) President Barack Obama is claiming she’s an AWOL congresswoman, whatever the fuck that means. Basically Tina Seals is a completely credible source, and I’m very curious to see what other celebrity babies she claims to have given birth to.
But Tina Seals might be on to something. Imagine you file 100 lawsuits against 100 celebrity moms claiming to have given birth to one of their kids. Now, 99 will roll their eyes and throw it in the trash, but since Hollywood is filled with not-smarts, there’s bound to be at least 1 celebrity mom dumb enough to fall for it. Imagine, if you will, a Cheeto-chomping Frapp-guzzling busted weave-wearing Louisiana lilac blossom opening a letter and going “Dang it y’all, this here lady says she done birthed out Jayden James and I owe her a million dollars! Better get out my check book….”. It could work!
And I would have loved to have seen the slow look of confusion wash over Kim Kardashian’s narcoleptic hooker face when she received her lawsuit from Tina Seals. “Baby? What baby?”
Oh my god, here we go again: another totally subtle Instagram picture from the stunt queen of damage control, Beyoncé. YES, AGAIN. I swear to god, I legit expect to turn on my alarm clock and hear “I Got You Babe” or run into Stephen Tobolowsky, because this “Divorce? What divorce? Wink!” shit is starting to feel like a goddamn sequel to Groundhog Day. Except there’s no Bill Murray, no pie, and the only furry creature is the one attached to a lacefront glued securely to Bey’s forehead (and as far as I know, it can’t predict the weather).
Because it’s a day that ends in Y, the extremely private Beyoncé posted this completely spontaneous picture of herself wearing only a jersey with her husband’s last name on the back and the number 4, which is the Illuminati number for all things Bey-Z: Bey’s birthday (09/04), Jay-Z’s birthday (12/04), their wedding anniversary (04/04), and the number of times a day Beyoncé has to tell Solange to get back in the basement. Rather than stick with tradition and caption the picture something totally cheesy, like “This booty is 4 Carter” or some shit, she simply captioned it with an emoji of a kiss (I guess because an emoji of a tired publicity stunt hasn’t been invented yet).
At this point Beyoncé is trolling us, right? She has to be. There’s no way she honestly believes that this charade is working. I think it’s less about convincing us she’s still weave-over-heels in love with Joe Camel and more like an elaborate hoax. Beyoncé IS Andy Kaufman! Beyoncé will follow up this picture with the release of a remix to “Drunk in Love” called “Camel-Flavored Kisses”, followed by a picture of her at a tattoo parlour getting the words “4 (GET IT??) EVER” written on her neck, then Instagram a selfie at City Hall to show that she’s legally changed her name from Beyoncé Knowles-Carter to Cartér Knowles-Carter. I see you, Beyoncé!
Are they throwing the official gang signs of the Illuminati: STUNT QUEEN chapter or are they saying “Look at us! We’re attention whores!” in sign language?
For the past few weeks, Page Six and everybody else has been counting down to the end of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage. They’ve said that RiRi is Jay-Z’s side piece, Beyonce is looking for a penthouse to live in without Jay-Z and so and so on. Every time a new divorce rumor pops up, Beyonce throws up a portrait of a perfectly family on Instagram (see: picture above). The media, Instagram and Beyonce are obviously in CAHOOTS together. Well, expect Beyonce’s Instagram to be hit with another wave of damage control portraits, because the media is still at it. »
Beyoncé’s Remix Of “Flawless” Features A Vague Reference To The Elevator Beat-Down, Because Of Course It Does
Last night, Beyoncé released a remix of the song “Flawless” featuring the come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet Nicki Minaj that contained a cryptic message about the post-Met Gala elevator smack-down between Basement Baby and Jay-Z. Even though Basement’s caught-on-tape act of attempted camelcide happened a million years ago, Stuntyoncé pulled it out of the box marked “Possible Ways of Getting Attention” in her Publicity Stunt storage locker, dusted it off, and trotted it out for her new-ish song. “Eh, at least it’s not another staged picture of Jay-Z” – fucking everyone.
Yawncé addresses the bitch slap heard ’round the world at the 0:36 mark by rapping the following vague nonsense:
“We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators. Of course sometimes shit go down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”
BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??? No really, what the fuck does it mean; those lyrics make no goddamn sense. It sounds like it was written by Blue Ivy on a busted Speak & Spell, then re-written by Michelle.
TMZ has a theory that Beyoncé is referring to how much her and Jay-Z are worth. It’s estimated that the marriage between Joe Camel and WeaveBot-2000 is worth somewhere between $900 million and $1 billion, therefore the line about “a billion dollars on an elevator” could mean there’s a billion dollars on the line when it comes to their relationship. Then again, TMZ could be wrong and the ‘billion dollars’ remark could be in reference to how much money everybody in the elevator had on them at the time:
Beyoncé = $499 million
Jay-Z = $499 million
Security Guard = $46
Basement Baby = A handful of nickels, a button, and some pocket lint
And this is what it has come to: Beyoncé releasing remixes of her songs to include sketchy “clues” about her relationship in an attempt to silence the divorce rumors. Fuck off, Beyoncé! I’m bored! I’m SO bored! Nobody cares about the Basement Baby beat-down anymore; it’s old-ass news. What’s next, Beyoncé posting a photo of the piss stick from a phony pregnancy test with the caption: “#TBT to the time I got knocked up…or did I? #mystery #alwayskeepemguessing”. Just Instagram a picture of the divorce papers and get it over with!