As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
You better download as much free porn as you can before the all-powerful Beyonce calls up Al Gore and tells him to pull the plug and shut down the entire Internet, because SANS PHOTOSHOP pictures of her face are out there. The Internet was good while it lasted, but we dun goofed.
The Daily Mail says that yesterday, over 200 raw pictures of Beyonce were posted onto The Beyonce World fansite, but after the Beyhive sharpened their stingers and stabbed at the site for doing their god wrong, the pictures were taken down. The Beyonce World queefed up a statement saying that they released the pictures to show the world how naturally gorgeous their holy king is, but chose to delete them after the fans went crazy (and they probably didn’t want to wake up with shredded wigs at the bottom of their bed ala The Godfather).
Due to the disdain of the BeyHive, we have removed the photos. We don’t want to cause any drama, nor do we wish to start fan wars. Some of the things we have seen posted were just horrible, and we don’t want any parts of it. We were just posting the photos to share the fact that our queen is naturally beautiful, at the same time she is just a regular woman.
The Beyonce World call themselves a fansite? First, they scatter around hundreds of unretouched pictures of Beyonce and then they insult her by calling her “just a regular woman”? They better recite the Act of Beytrition (aka the lyrics to Yonce) over and over again until Beyonce forgives them.
Even though The Beyonce World erased the pictures from their site, many including these from L’Oréal’s 2013 Feria and Infallible campaigns, were saved and passed around on Twitter.
I was joking about Beyonce pulling the plug on the Internet as punishment for doing this to her, because I think she IS the leak. When I put my Detective La Toya brand magnifying glass up to these pictures, I can clearly see that they’re overly Photoshopped to make her look human and like one of us. Team Beyonce obviously leaked these pictures to make us believe that her skin is capable of growing human pimples and wrinkles. They want us to think that she’s just a regular mere mortal who doesn’t have flawless skin as smooth as a baby angel’s taint. Nice try, Beyonce.
After the cut are 3 more pictures from Beyonce’s failed “I’m A Pleb With Acne Like You” campaign.
There were really only two things I wanted to see during last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show: I wanted to see Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, and Jan Hooks Skype with the audience from Heaven, and I wanted to see Maya Rudolph put on 8 layers of Spanx and 12lbs of human hair to do the world’s best Beyonce impression. Sadly, it appears Jesus can turn water into wine, but he can’t get Skype to work, so we never got to see that video chat from Heaven. But we did get to see Maya Rudolph do Beyonce, and that’s really all that matters, because bitch does Beyonce better than Beyonce does Beyonce. Maya Rudolph does Beyonce so well, I bet Kim Kardashian ambushed her ass backstage.
Maya Rudolph as Beyonce came out to join living life legend Martin Short (who really should have hosted the whole damn thing, if we’re being honest with ourselves) to talk about SNL characters who sang, like Opera Man and the What Up With That guy. I know that some of you may be confused by Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce and are thinking “Wait, that’s not actually Beyonce?“, but there are two very easy ways to tell the difference between Maya’s Beyonce and the real Beyonce:
1. The real Beyonce would never share the stage with anyone besides Beyonce
2. Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce sings live
Here’s more of Maya Rudolph walking the SNL40 red carpet last night with Kristen Wiig, as well as the real Beyonce arriving to the SNL40 afterparty with Jay Z and wearing what looks to be Joseph’s technicolor dreamcoat if it was poorly knocked-off by Kanye West:
And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.
Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.
Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.
With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.
And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”
Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com
Adding one more layer of WTF to last night’s already too-long Sam Smith Appreciation Awards, Her Majesty Beyonce’s gospel-sounding and possibly poached Grammy performance was introduced by the singer no one asked for, but keeps trying anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow. And in true Goopy fashion, Gwyneth made sure to remind us that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have regular friends, like the poor losers watching at home, but special important famous friends by introducing her as “my beautiful friend Beyonce.” Even Beyonce was like “calm down, you thirsty trick, I want you to kiss my ass, not suck it dry.”
Goopy also decided to burp up some vague words about living in “complicated times” before introducing Beyonce’s performance of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” (which was featured in the movie Selma, then followed by a performance of “Glory” by Common and John Legend), and naturally that went over real well on Twitter. Goopy introducing a civil right’s song makes about as much sense as my Pop Tarts-popping ass introducing Cookie Monster and a bunch of come-to-life veggies singing about eating healthy foods. “Complicated times”? The only thing Goopy knows about struggle is when they run out of heirloom radish greens at the her invitation-only organic farmers market.
I apologize to those of you who wanted to see more pictures of a humanoid corn broom in one of Vanna White’s old Wheel dresses from the early 90s, but Goopy didn’t walk the red carpet at the Grammys last night. So here’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s beautiful friend Beyonce serving up some store brand Laverne Cox instead:
I’m just going to assume that the reason Beyonce is serving up that court-side stank eye is because this picture was taken exactly 0.2 seconds after Jay Z suggested they move to Los Angeles because Gwyneth Paltrow told them to. “I’m sorry, but when did that bony know-it-all broomstick start making the decisions around here? There’s only one person who calls the shots, and it’s BEYONCE!…and maybe Blue Ivy Carter if I’m powered down for my weekly maintenance tune-up“.
So it sounds like Goopy can now add pushy real estate agent to her resume (right underneath pussy steaming expert). According to UsWeekly, Goopy won’t have to travel to NYC to desperately dry hump Beyonce and Jay Z for street credibility anymore, because she recently convinced them to move to Los Angeles. A source says:
“Beyonce and Jay Z are making L.A. their permanent home based a lot on the advice of their friends. The friend that really influenced them to move was Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth was telling Jay and Bey about the quality of life for her kids in L.A. and really swayed Beyonce and Jay to make the move. It’s all for Blue Ivy.”
Beyonce and Jay Z are currently living in a hotel in Beverly Hills and are searching for the perfect home, but they’ve already found a preschool for Blue Ivy. TMZ says her royal highness BIC has been enrolled in a toddler program at a fancy private school, the tuition of which is $15,080 a year. “Oh, that’s cute – so you’re sending her to public school then?” asked Goopy, as she wrote out a $138,000 check for the Gooplets private Latin lessons at the Vatican.
And I can’t wait to read all about the story Gwyneth writes for GOOP about helping them move-in. “After a long day of watching the movers carry each piece of hand-crafted imported furniture into their cozy little 67-bedroom cottage, I decided to treat my good friends Beyoncé Giselle and Shawn Carter to a much needed pizza and beer break. So I had my private jet whisk us off to my favorite brewery in Belgium…“
Sam Smith, seen above looking like George Michael fucked Harley Davidson Barbie, is currently nominated for six Grammy awards, one of which is Album of the Year. Sam Smith is up against four other nominees, but as we all know, the only one who counts is her majesty Beyonce. And during an interview with Rolling Stone, he confessed that if the Illuminati were to accidentally write SAM SMITH on the envelope containing the name of the winner of Album of the Year instead of BEYONCE, he would give his Grammy to Beyonce. Yes, Sam Smith is a hard-core member of the Beyhive.
“She deserves it way more than I do. I’d be embarrassed if I got it over her. If I got it, I’d give it to her.”
Meanwhile, in a giant gilded pyramid perched high atop a mountain of money, her majesty Beyonce just whispered to Blue Ivy “Awww, that’s cute – he thinks we live in a world where Beyonce would ever take someone’s sloppy seconds.” Besides, Sam Smith should know that Beyonce would never lose an award to someone not named Beyonce.
And Beyonce’s wasn’t the only ass Sam Smith kissed in Rolling Stone. Sam Smith also saved a couple smooches for Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Adele, and Justin Bieber:
Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!
What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.
Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.
If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.
It doesn’t take a Suze Orman to guess that things might not be so great, money-wise, for Beyonce’s Daddy Mathew Knowles right now. First off, besides being “Beyonce’s Daddy”, I’m not sure what his current job is. Second, he has not one, but two secret baby mamas to take care of. Third, the last time he tried to make some money, it was trying and failing to sell a Destiny’s Child biopic. But it looks like he finally found a way to make a couple bucks. “Fill me in on your secret?” whispered Michelle Williams into the receiver of a payphone.
According to TMZ, Daddy Knowles is having a massive garage sale outside of his office in Houston, Texas, and the majority of the shit he’s selling (and it is shit) is old Beyonce/Destiny’s Child merchandise. Mathew is selling tour books, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, House of Dereon clothing, and a giant poster of Beyonce for $200. Not to be left out, he’s also selling a Solange CD for $1.96. And I’m sure if you dig hard enough, you’ll find a box containing what’s left of Daddy Knowles’ dignity.
But if out-of-style jeans and musty-smelling Sasha Fierce t-shirts aren’t your thing, he’s also selling office furniture and office equipment. So for everyone who has ever wanted to own a desk chair that has been farted in by Beyonce’s dad or an old-ass fax machine that was maybe touched by Mama Tina, now is your chance!
Meanwhile, in a sold-platinum and emerald-encrusted penthouse in New York City, Beyonce is on the beautiful Beyonce words delivery system (aka the phone) asking her assistant to take a trip to Houston and buy up all the Beyonce concert t-shirts. “My sister Solange just got married and moved out of the basement, which means she needs a new pile of my old clothing to sleep on.”
Here’s more pictures from Daddy Knowles’
garbage garage sale, as well as the garage sale star herself going out for dinner with Jay Z last night:
And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night
In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.
On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her humanoid camel husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.
The video is after the cut: