After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
The nominees for the 2016 MTV VMAs were announced earlier today. The bad news for Taylor Swift is that she got zero nominations. The good news for Taylor Swift is that two people she’s currently feuding with got nominations, which means her name will automatically get dragged into just about every conversation about the MTV VMAs on the internet today. Congratulations, Taylor!
Shortly after the news broke about the back-to-back shootings of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling in Minnesota and Louisiana yesterday, Beyonce hopped on her laptop or whatever she uses to write down her thoughts (they may just get digitally sent over a wifi signal from her brain to a massive computer in The Beyhive, I don’t know) and released a statement on her website. She also threw up a message on Instagram pushing people to her website to read the statement and “turn anger into action.” Said action included urging people to contact their congressperson, as well as links to both the Minnesota state legislature and Louisiana state legislature. Beyonce covered it all. The only problem is, once people tried to turn their anger into action, they were met with a 404-error.
I’m pretty sure it will soon be illegal to hold an big event in 2016 and not give Her Majesty Beyonce the highest spot on the bill (see: The Superbowl, the CFDAs), so it should come as a shock to exactly no one that Beyonce opened the BET Awards last night. The working title of which could have been The Beyonce is Extremely Talented Awards, because she took home a whole bunch of trophies.
Beyonce was given the Coca-Cola Viewers’ Choice Award (uh oh, don’t tell Pepsi), the BET Centric Award, the FANdemonium Award, Best Female R&B/Pop Artist award, and Video of the Year for “Formation.” But before she collected all five awards she was nominated for, she opened the show by performing “Freedom” with Kendrick Lamar. They went all out, too. Beyonce brought the huge wading pool she uses during her Formation tour on stage with her and they got into some water sports. Not like that. They kicked water at each other while dancing in front smoke and flashing lights. I’ve put the video after the cut, because it plays automatically. Although that might just be the telekinetic powers of the Beyhive at work.
Beyonce can’t even trust her hussy slut tramp whore husband around any trick including a grown man with beautifully gelled hair. Or maybe Beyonce is side-eyeing Jay-Z’s finger while wondering where the hell that thing has been.
Anyway, Beyonce starred in The Beyonce Sitting In A Chair Show (featuring game 6 of the NBA Finals) in Cleveland, OH last night, and yes, 100% of the people there were to watch her sit in a chair, but a basketball game also went down. The Cleveland Cavasomethings played the Golden Shower Warriors. Cleveland won, and part of me wishes I could watch a full basketball game without falling into a coma, because there was DRAMA! Steph Curry, who plays for the Warriors, was ejected in the final minutes of the game for throwing his mouthpiece into the crowd. After that happened, Stephen’s wife, professional Twitterer, Ayesha Curry, screamed on Twitter that the game was rigged for money or ratings. Realizing that those tweets could maybe get her husband in trouble, she deleted them and said she tweeted in the heat of the moment.
It really wasn’t Ayesha Curry’s night. She also complained about being kept on the bus just 10 minutes before the game was set to start, and as she was forced to stay in there, Beyonce strolled on by without one care in the world:
Ayesha Curry was stuck on the bus because of Beyonce 😂 pic.twitter.com/3hK7Ff8zyD
— Jade (@JadeBurnam) June 17, 2016
It was really for Ayesha Curry’s own safety, because if she was let off of the bus, she may have been accidentally stung by the crazed members of the Beyhive trying to get close to their queen.
“Hahahaha! Bye Becky! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” is what I like to imagine Beyonce thought when she heard that Rachel Roy bailed. But really, that would require me to suspend my belief that Beyonce’s thoughts consist solely of giving compliments to herself. “Congratulations, Beyonce – you look wonderful tonight.”
Both Beyonce and the woman who seems unable to escape Beyonce’s dramatic gravity pull were both at the CFDA Awards on Monday night in NYC. Yesterday I joked that it was shocking that the Beyhive didn’t completely lose their shit after learning that Beyonce and that husband-humping skank Rachel Roy were at the same event. As it turns out, they technically weren’t there at the same time. Page Six says that once Rachel learned that Beyonce would be making a surprise appearance to collect her Fashion Icon award, she left. Such drama!
Shortly after Rachel arrived, people started whispering on social media that they saw Jay Z and Blue Ivy Carter pulling up to the CFDA Awards, followed by Tina Knowles. That set off a giant emergency siren in Rachel Roy’s head. A source claims she got up from the table she was sitting at, picked up her place card, and left. The source adds that she never came back, and that it was “weird.” However, a friend of Rachel tells Page Six that she had no intention of staying for the whole thing because she had an early-morning flight the next day to L.A. “Of course she did” said everyone who has ever used the I-need-to-be-up-early-for-a-thing excuse to get out of a bad date.
Rachel has denied being the Becky that Beyonce hisses at in “Sorry“, so it’s a little weird that she would respond to Beyonce’s possible arrival like a dog that just heard someone turn on the vacuum. Who knows? Maybe she did actually have an early-morning flight the next day. That might explain why she looked so stiff on the red carpet. I’m no body language expert, but she’s definitely giving me the vibes of someone who is anxious to get home and transfer all her liquids into tiny TSA-approved bottles.