That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”
Note: If you ever find yourself in the presence of fashion designer Carolina Herrera, make sure you’re not wearing that see-through dress you made yourself using old L’eggs hose, a hot glue gun and broken beer bottle glass. Because Carolina Herrera yawns every time she sees another trick done up like Richard Simmons shat up gemstones on their naked body.
During a talk with the Washington Post, Carolina delicately lifted her gold-rimmed bone china teacup and gently shook her head before taking a sip while thinking about how fashion designers these days are trying to lure in young customers by designing “almost nekkid” clothes. As example, Carolina, who is always as put together as an Ann Taylor regional manager, brought up the Bedazzled Naked Hussy Harlot Ho Parade that went down the red carpet at the Met Gala this year. Carolina doesn’t understand how the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Kim Kartrashian can be considered “fashion icons” when they don’t wear any fashion. Go ahead and look those tricks up and down, Ms. Herrera:
Some designers think “it’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No!” Herrera says emphatically. “The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.” Herrera turns to the recent Costume Institute gala to make her point. Exhibits A through C: Beyoncé and her bedazzled mosquito netting; Jennifer Lopez in a red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides; Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.
“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything,” Herrera says in a tone that is both exasperated and dismayed. “It’s an obsession now.”
Oh great, now Carolina has gone and said it. In the Museum of ME-ME-ME in Kanye West and Kummy Kakes’ mansion, workers are currently painting the quote “‘Kim Kardashion… Fashion Icon…’ – Carolina Herrera” on one of the walls.
I’m with Carolina Herrera all the way. Beyonce, JLo and Kummy Kakes look like tackiness wrapped in trashiness and dipped in slivers of messy when they go out half-naked. They just don’t have the natural elegance, grace, ladylike refinement and gentility needed to pull off that look and not look like trash. They just need to stop. They are not England’s Finest Rose, Jodie Marsh, who can wear a Hot Topic belt as a nipple cover and still look like the epitome of opulence and class.
Yes, that really is Jodie Marsh. You probably looked at that picture and figured that Duchess Kate went blond. If Carolina Herrera saw that picture, she’d definitely say, “I take back the hate I threw at the naked look, because THAT is a fucking fashion icon who knows how to do it.”
Last night, Good Morning America got the Beyhive in pre-frenzy mode when they announced on Twitter that on Monday morning Beyonce was going to make a big announcement that everyone will love. They all wondered what could it be?! Will Beyonce announce that she’s running for president as a Beyocrat? Will Beyonce announce that instead of doing a world tour, she’s going to do a 6-week residency on Tidal’s streaming service and yes, tickets will still be $500 each? Will Beyonce announce that she’s bringing her Tempur-Pedic baby bump out of retirement? What is it????! So, the Beyhive got up early today, polished their stingers and prepared to lose their minds, but when Beyonce’s big announcement was revealed, dicks went soft and balls turned blue. Beyonce’s big announcement was about as interesting as a vegan’s broccoli-induced butt burp.
Beyonce’s big announcement wasn’t even an announcement. Beyonce just wanted to talk about being a sometime vegan for the 1,345,985th time. By now, every single living thing on this planet knows that Beyonce and Jay-Z went vegan for 3 weeks, because she won’t stop shitting up at the mouth about it. Beyonce went on GMA to whore out Marco Borges’ 22-day vegan diet, which she’s whored out before. Beyonce even wrote the foreword for his book The 22-Day Revolution. Beyonce’s big appearance was beysically an informercial.
Yes, Beyonce is that insufferable friend who talks about being a vegan once and goes on and on about how much it changed their life. But instead of doing it in a Facebook status, she does it in a “special announcement” on Good Morning America.
Beyonce didn’t even go into Good Morning America’s studios for this shit! She just rolled out of bed, went to her rooftop and shot the pre-taped piece while she had 5 minutes to spare. This is some “I will film some non-announcement on a rooftop and hos will call in sick to work to watch it” shit. I bet right after Beyonce burped up how great being a vegan is, her personal drone delivered the Double-Double her assistant ordered from an In-N-Out in Austin, TX and her stylist asked her if she wants to wear the rhino leather jumpsuit or the red panda fur culottes.
And the Beyhive was mad at their God for a second:
Beyoncé: I have an announcement Hive: OMFG A TOUR???? ALBUM?????? Beyoncé: Y'all fat lol
— mer. (@theonewithbey) June 8, 2015
But I’m sure they have already forgiven her and will get up early next week when Beyonce announces on Today that she took a shit.
When most of us want to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with our money, we pour some Andre into a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard. (Although, none of us do that, because why waste the sparkling piss of the Gods that is Andre?) But when Beyonce wants to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with her and Jay Z’s billion dollar fortune, she pours almost half of the national average salary into a hot tub during a video shoot. Maybe!
The fingers of Twitter did their daily Riverdance of rage on keyboards yesterday when someone pointed out that it looks like Beyonce is pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac (aka Ace of Spades) into a hot tub in her and Nicki Minaj’s video for “Feeling Myself.” E! News says that a bottle of Armand de Brignac ranges from $300 a bottle to It Doesn’t Even Fucking Matter Because None Of Us Can Afford That Shit Anyway. One Twitterer believes that the exact bottle that Beyonce is holding costs between $10,000 and $20,000. “Bathing in it? How utterly provincial!” said Oprah while shitting into a diamond-encrusted platinum toilet filled with Ace of Spades.
As E! points out, Beyonce most likely got that shit for free since Jay Z owns Ace of Spades. So basically, this is free advertising for Jay Z’s overpriced booze and I’m falling for it. Dammit.
There’s a chance that Beyonce’s not even pouring out champagne. She could be pouring out water or the tears she collected from Jay Z’s ducts as he cried while reading Tidal’s monthly revenue report. If someone tracks down the actual location of that hot tub, I’m willing to investigate so we’ll know if we should be OUTRAGED!!! or not. And by “investigate” I mean stick a giant straw into that hot tub and suck everything up, because I’m a freegan when it comes to booze and it hurts me to see one drop of the sweet nectar go to waste. But you know, I’m sure the Beyhive already beat me to it. That hot tub is probably empty, because the Beyhive drank up all that dirty water since their God marinated in it for a minute.
IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THIS IMPORTANT STORY: Defamer says that the bottle Beyonce poured into that hot tub was probably only $300. All this talk about champagne is making me thirsty. If I only I kept a bottle of the finest champagne (read: Korbel) in my temperature controlled wine cellar (read: my refrigerator).
Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.
To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.
Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”
As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!
In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem
I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.
While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.
I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.
And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).
Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)
The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.”
Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!
In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:
“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”
I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.
But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.
So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.
The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.