Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!
During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.
I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.
And so it begins. Or should I say Bey-gins? NO I SHOULD NOT. On Friday night during one of the last On The Run concerts in Paris, Jay-Z changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” in a way that made it seem like he was trying to subtly announce that he had busted a bareback camel nut into his wife and that Beyoncé was pregnant with the second chosen Illuminati child. Of course, the internet lost its damn mind; FEMA and the Red Cross are still trying to clean up the mess left when the Bumblebeys heard the news and their heads exploded, Scanners-style.
And now Beyoncé has thrown her wig into the rumor ring. A black-and-white photo of Bey and Jay Camel was posted to Twitter yesterday (via Daily Mail) showing the happy couple celebrating the end of the On The Run tour in Paris with glasses of what looks to be champagne. If it’s actually champagne, then this might be Bey’s way of telling us she doesn’t currently have a case of fetus fever. But the picture is in black-and-white, so we have no idea if it’s actually champagne! It could be water! It could be apple juice! It could be a glass full of low-viscosity wig glue! We have no idea. JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’RE DRINKING, BEYONCÉ!
Of course, nothing is truly officially until an angel descends from heaven to place a God’s Choice baby halo around her stomach. So until then, let’s say she’s not pregnant, just “prepping her pillows”, so to speak.
And here’s Bey and Jay keeping the rumor mill churning by going out for dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel Tower last night. Oh look, what do we have here? Fancy dinner? Romantic setting? Jay-Z with his camel hoof around Beyoncé’s shoulder? Beyoncé covering her stomach with her purse? YAWN. Even Blue-Blue is like “It’s getting surf-boring, mommy.”
I stared at this picture of Beyoncé boarding a plane in France for a good 15 minutes in an attempt to determine whether she was breaking in her Publicity’s Choice 1st trimester pillow or just wearing a roomy sweater. My verdict? I’m sorry your honor, but I couldn’t come to a decision because I was too distracted by the busted sticker-looking mess on her arms and leg. Good god girl, step away from the stickers! You look like a damn daycare!
According to MediaTakeOut, Jay-Z might have spilled they Bey-eans (I hate myself for typing that, don’t worry) last night during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris. Joe Camel reportedly hinted that a certain someone might be knocked-up with the second chosen Illuminati child when he changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” from “Niggas asking if the oven’s on” to “Niggas asking, cause she pregnant with another one“. If you have family who live in Paris, now is the time to call them and make sure they’re still alive after the massive tsunami of Bumblebey tears fell from their eyes and destroyed the city.
Jay-Z never actually names Beyoncé as the one with fetus fever, so for all we know he could be rapping about Duchess Kate and the recent announcement that she’s pregnant with her second royal freeloader. But it’s probably about Beyoncé. “Everything is about Beyoncé” – Beyoncé.
Call me a skeptic, but I don’t think Yawn-cé is currently renting her womb to Blue Ivy’s sister or brother. Announcing your pregnancy by changing the lyrics to a song is a classic stunt queen move, but it’s not nearly dramatic enough. This is probably more of a pre-announcement announcement. When Jay-Z says she’s “pregnant with another one“, he’s not using the word pregnant to describe being knocked-up; that clever camel is using the alternate definition of pregnant, as in “full of meaning; significant or suggestive”. A week later, Beyoncé will post a picture of a First Response piss-stick with the caption: “The test came back positive! I’m pregnant…WITH A NEW ALBUM!!!!” Then when the album finally comes out (titled BEY-BY NO. 2) the album art will be a picture of a sonogram and the first music video will be footage of Blue Ivy holding her hair back as she throws up into a toilet. It’s all about the long game for Bey.
Just when I was beginning to think that it was a seriously slow Saturday and I’d have to start posting excerpts from the fanfiction buddy comedy I wrote about Justin Theroux and Jon Hamm’s dicks (that post is coming up next, probably), THIS piece of highly important news came across my screen. The beige plastic bowl of unflavored instant oatmeal that is Blake NotSoLively has made it clear in the past that she wants to be Martha Stewart AND Beyonce. Basically, Blake NotSoLively wants to be anyone but Blake NotSoLively and at first I didn’t blame her, but then I remembered that she’s Teen Witch’s sister and when she wakes up in the morning she has the option to brush her teeth with Ryan Reynold’s dick. Anyway, Beyonce’s born day (aka Beymas) was this past week and to celebrate that holy holiday, Blake made her God a beehive cake and showed it off in a video on Preserve’s Instagram page. The string of anal beads at the entrance is a beautiful touch. Blake dribbled out this little note about her offering to her GOD:
In honor of the Queen of all Bs…I had to make this Meyer Lemon Honey cake. Happy Birthday Beyoncé!!! Xxo Blake @beyonce @blakelively @preserve_us
“Queen of all BS..” I see what you did there, Blake. You better hide, Blake, because the bumblebees tried to take you out once and they’re not going to fail at their mission a second time.
But really, I see what Blake is trying to do. Blake is trying to replace Goopy Paltrow as Beyonce’s #1 pretentious, suck-up best friend, but it’s going to take a lot more than a beehive cake. Because for Beyonce’s birthday, Goopy bought her an actual bumblebee farm that will replenish the species and save the bees from extinction. Nice try, though, Blake.
Here’s Blake’s Queen and Jay-Z celebrating a stunt well done in Portofino, Italy today.
33 years ago yesterday, Beyoncé fell out of Mama Tina’s exquisite gremlin coochie (I’m assuming that it’s covered in neon lace, rhinestones, superfluous belt buckles, and high levels of STYLE, just like everything else touched by Tina) and to celebrate the birthday of the most important 33-year-old savior of all time (sorry Jesus) Jay-Z uploaded a 33-second video comprised of clips of Her Majesty titled “Happy B Day” to YouTube. Did Jay-Z just become a Beyoncé stan? I think he did!
Obviously Jay-Z had nothing to do with this shit – he’s too busy enjoying the smooth taste and pure enjoyment to go out and get his partner in tired stunt queen fuckery a birthday present. Instead he gave Blue Ivy a quick tutorial on iMovie along with a bunch of Beyoncé-approved clips from the “On The Run” tour, and told here there was a solid-gold Cozy Coupe in it for her if she could make that shit look professional. NO STAR WIPES, BLUE-BLUE! Sure, it’s basically just a commercial for Beyonce Jay-Z On The Run on HBO, but what were you expecting? A blooper reel? We already have those amazing pictures of Beyoncé performing at the Super Bowl XLVII halftime show – that’s all the blooper reel we ever need.
But the real question is…did Yawncé like her birthday present? OF COURSE SHE DID! How could she not? It included all her favorite things: Beyoncé, Beyoncé, insincere public declarations of love, Beyoncé.
Two Master Stunt Queens Attempted To Put On A Convincing Show At The “Made In America” Festival This Weekend
Okay, this is starting to get goddamn ridiculous. Even though I know and you know and your dog knows that the current state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship is hovering somewhere around the attic of a haunted house (ie: it’s been dead for so long, it’s now officially a ghost), they’re still hustling this tired come-to-life Heart Family bullshit like we’re all a bunch of gullible rubes. Except nobody’s buying what they’re selling! It’s gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure that even members of the Beygency are like “Girl, stop.”
And yet, these two continue to pull out their stale loaf of love bread and make stunt queen sandwiches for the never-ending publicity pic-a-nic that is their lives. Yawnce and Joe Camel decided to follow up their display of affection at the VMAs last weekend (for real, what in camel hell was that) by snuggling on each other at the “Made in America” festival in Los Angeles on Sunday night, and it was..something. I mean, it wasn’t nearly as tacky and blatant as their PDA performance at the VMAs, but it was still pretty awkward.
I know a couple of people who are deeply in love (myself and Doritos don’t count), and it would be really weird to see them pulling the kind of stiff Sears Portrait Studio poses that Bey and Jay were working on Sunday night. Did they take classes from the Lance Bass Modeling School? They’re SO awkward! They look like a stock image from a Christian sex toy website, but not one of the freaky horn-horn-for-Jesus ones (they exist, trust me), the other kind – the boring ones that refer to dildos as “marital aids.” I’m so surfbored.
But the thing that’s bothering me most of all is that everything is so damn red! Was the “Made in America” festival held in a high school dark room?
Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1′s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!
Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:
“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”
So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.
And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:
All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).