The nominees for the 2016 MTV VMAs were announced earlier today. The bad news for Taylor Swift is that she got zero nominations. The good news for Taylor Swift is that two people she’s currently feuding with got nominations, which means her name will automatically get dragged into just about every conversation about the MTV VMAs on the internet today. Congratulations, Taylor!
Shortly after the news broke about the back-to-back shootings of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling in Minnesota and Louisiana yesterday, Beyonce hopped on her laptop or whatever she uses to write down her thoughts (they may just get digitally sent over a wifi signal from her brain to a massive computer in The Beyhive, I don’t know) and released a statement on her website. She also threw up a message on Instagram pushing people to her website to read the statement and “turn anger into action.” Said action included urging people to contact their congressperson, as well as links to both the Minnesota state legislature and Louisiana state legislature. Beyonce covered it all. The only problem is, once people tried to turn their anger into action, they were met with a 404-error.
I’m pretty sure it will soon be illegal to hold an big event in 2016 and not give Her Majesty Beyonce the highest spot on the bill (see: The Superbowl, the CFDAs), so it should come as a shock to exactly no one that Beyonce opened the BET Awards last night. The working title of which could have been The Beyonce is Extremely Talented Awards, because she took home a whole bunch of trophies.
Beyonce was given the Coca-Cola Viewers’ Choice Award (uh oh, don’t tell Pepsi), the BET Centric Award, the FANdemonium Award, Best Female R&B/Pop Artist award, and Video of the Year for “Formation.” But before she collected all five awards she was nominated for, she opened the show by performing “Freedom” with Kendrick Lamar. They went all out, too. Beyonce brought the huge wading pool she uses during her Formation tour on stage with her and they got into some water sports. Not like that. They kicked water at each other while dancing in front smoke and flashing lights. I’ve put the video after the cut, because it plays automatically. Although that might just be the telekinetic powers of the Beyhive at work.
Beyonce can’t even trust her hussy slut tramp whore husband around any trick including a grown man with beautifully gelled hair. Or maybe Beyonce is side-eyeing Jay-Z’s finger while wondering where the hell that thing has been.
Anyway, Beyonce starred in The Beyonce Sitting In A Chair Show (featuring game 6 of the NBA Finals) in Cleveland, OH last night, and yes, 100% of the people there were to watch her sit in a chair, but a basketball game also went down. The Cleveland Cavasomethings played the Golden Shower Warriors. Cleveland won, and part of me wishes I could watch a full basketball game without falling into a coma, because there was DRAMA! Steph Curry, who plays for the Warriors, was ejected in the final minutes of the game for throwing his mouthpiece into the crowd. After that happened, Stephen’s wife, professional Twitterer, Ayesha Curry, screamed on Twitter that the game was rigged for money or ratings. Realizing that those tweets could maybe get her husband in trouble, she deleted them and said she tweeted in the heat of the moment.
It really wasn’t Ayesha Curry’s night. She also complained about being kept on the bus just 10 minutes before the game was set to start, and as she was forced to stay in there, Beyonce strolled on by without one care in the world:
Ayesha Curry was stuck on the bus because of Beyonce 😂 pic.twitter.com/3hK7Ff8zyD
— Jade (@JadeBurnam) June 17, 2016
It was really for Ayesha Curry’s own safety, because if she was let off of the bus, she may have been accidentally stung by the crazed members of the Beyhive trying to get close to their queen.
“Hahahaha! Bye Becky! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” is what I like to imagine Beyonce thought when she heard that Rachel Roy bailed. But really, that would require me to suspend my belief that Beyonce’s thoughts consist solely of giving compliments to herself. “Congratulations, Beyonce – you look wonderful tonight.”
Both Beyonce and the woman who seems unable to escape Beyonce’s dramatic gravity pull were both at the CFDA Awards on Monday night in NYC. Yesterday I joked that it was shocking that the Beyhive didn’t completely lose their shit after learning that Beyonce and that husband-humping skank Rachel Roy were at the same event. As it turns out, they technically weren’t there at the same time. Page Six says that once Rachel learned that Beyonce would be making a surprise appearance to collect her Fashion Icon award, she left. Such drama!
Shortly after Rachel arrived, people started whispering on social media that they saw Jay Z and Blue Ivy Carter pulling up to the CFDA Awards, followed by Tina Knowles. That set off a giant emergency siren in Rachel Roy’s head. A source claims she got up from the table she was sitting at, picked up her place card, and left. The source adds that she never came back, and that it was “weird.” However, a friend of Rachel tells Page Six that she had no intention of staying for the whole thing because she had an early-morning flight the next day to L.A. “Of course she did” said everyone who has ever used the I-need-to-be-up-early-for-a-thing excuse to get out of a bad date.
Rachel has denied being the Becky that Beyonce hisses at in “Sorry“, so it’s a little weird that she would respond to Beyonce’s possible arrival like a dog that just heard someone turn on the vacuum. Who knows? Maybe she did actually have an early-morning flight the next day. That might explain why she looked so stiff on the red carpet. I’m no body language expert, but she’s definitely giving me the vibes of someone who is anxious to get home and transfer all her liquids into tiny TSA-approved bottles.
It’s truly a tragedy that the fashion world doesn’t recognized the endless contributions Beyonce has made to the world of fashion more often. When I think of iconic style looks, my mind is bombarded with an endless Rolodex of examples from Destiny’s Child’s catalogue of music videos. The coordinated hoochie mama animal pelt bikinis from Survivor, the endless yardage of craft-store suede fringe of Bootylicious, the laced-up pastel pleather eleganza of Bills, Bills, Bills. Literally every luxe club rat look from Jumpin Jumpin. She also wore some other stuff later in her career, but it can’t hold a candle to the gorgeously gaudy couture she wore during the DC days. The Council of Fashion Designers of America agrees, and they gave her an award last night in NYC. I’m assuming the award was mostly for the iconic DC looks.
Earlier this month, there was talk that Jay Z would be recording a follow-up/response album to Beyonce’s Lemonade. Then yesterday, we found out that they were maybe making a secret album together that may or may not be about Lemonade. In the meantime, Jay Z has gotten himself a little bit of attention by recording a song that mentions a certain refreshing lemon-based drink.
Last night, Jay Z released a remix of “All the Way Up” by Fat Joe and Remy Ma on Tidal. Seeing the words “by Fat Joe” in 2016 probably wouldn’t cause anymore than a low-energy shrug from most people. But everyone is talking about it today because Jay Z injected it with a potent dose of relevancy by rapping:
You know you made it
When the fact your marriage made it, is worth millions
Lemonade is a popular drink and it still is
You can listen to it here if you subscribe to Tidal. If not, then you can listen to a short clip of it at TMZ. Although you don’t exactly have to hear it with ears to know that “Lemonade is a popular drink and it still is” sounds like something that was written by an alien observing our species from the cold beverage aisle at Target.
Jay Z also might have doubled-down on the subtle stunt queening with what Entertainment Weekly thinks could be a vague-ish reference to Jay Z’s Met Gala elevator beat down by Solange. During a quick shout-out to Prince, whose catalogue is on Tidal, Jay Z says: “Prince left his masters where they safe and sound, we never gonna let the elevator take him down.” Usually I’d say that’s a bit of a stretch, but this Beyonce and Jay Z we’re talking about here. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a cut of him rapping “Let’s go crazy in love, party like it’s 2003, Bonnie and Clyde. Little red Corvette, Bey Bey you’re much too fast. Do you get that this is a reference to my wife yet?”
While Jay Z is reportedly busy working on a reponse to Lemonade (working title: Lemonade Stand By Your Woman If She’ll Still Let You), the first alleged Becky may have written some emails about Bey-Z that will be released soon. Except it won’t be on purpose, and it will probably make this situation even messier.
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Rachel Roy is sweating a little more than usual today. A source claims that Rachel has recently informed her friends that a whole bunch of private information has been stolen from a file on her computer. Some of that information includes emails that she’s afraid may get her a whole lot of unwanted attention if they get out. No word on how they were stolen or by whom or if several CCT security cameras have recently caught a woman in a yellow coffee filter dress and a ski mask slinking around Rachel Roy’s building.
The source doesn’t get into what’s in those emails that could possibly make so much trouble for Rachel. Rachel has already denied that she ever did anything with Bey’s husband, so it can’t be dirty emails from firstname.lastname@example.org, right? Maybe she’s freaking out because some of those emails are between her and someone else’s husband? Or maybe those emails contain information far more humiliating and shameful, like a whole bunch of emails informing her that no one has accepted her LinkedIn invitations yet.
Regardless of what kind of incriminating evidence is in those emails, Rachel might want to grab a few extra epi-pens or whatever you use to treat bee stings. If I know The Beyhive, it doesn’t take much to set them off. “This email is addressed to a Jayden Zander. Jayden Zander is totally an alias for Jay Z! DEFEND THE QUEEN!”
According to UsWeekly, Jay Z – seen above at the end of Beyonce’s hour-long avant-garde Cheaters episode (aka Lemonade) – is working on an album to tell his side of the story. A source says that he’s currently recording songs about the rough patch in their marriage from his perspective. If the rumors about Jay Z’s chronic cheating ways are true, then there’s a chance that Jay Z’s “perspective” is that of a guy who is trying to sneak in the front door at 3am without waking up his wife. But the source doesn’t say exactly what the theme of his album will be about. For all we know, the “rough patch” in their marriage could be the week Beyonce tried baby bangs or the time Jay made the mistake of suggesting that his wife hire a Photoshop tutor.
I don’t know if Jay Z releasing a companion piece to Lemonade is a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that there were two things I took away from watching Lemonade: Beyonce fucking loves fire, and she maybe had to sniff Jay Z’s dick on more than one occasion. So I’m thinking his side of the story will be about how he’s sorry for doing whatever he did with Becky. If so, then I think the track list will probably look something like this:
1. I’ll Be Right Back (I’m Going Out)
2. Working Late
3. Oh Shit, I Forgot (To Rinse Off My Dick In The Hotel Sink)
4. Second Cell Phone? What Second Cell Phone
5. I Don’t Know Rachel Roy That Way
6. Rita Who?
7. That Could Be Anybody’s Hair
8. Those Could Be Anybody’s Panties (the That Could Be Anybody’s Hair remix)
9. Not The Face (ft. Solange)
10. I’m Sorry
11. I’ll Do Anything To Make It Up To You
12. Looks Like I’m Watching Cadillac Records And Repeating The Words “You Should Have Been Nominated For An Oscar For This”
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.