KFed vs. The Beyhive is the battle I didn’t know I needed in my life.
Kevin Federline, the old cum stain on a pair Von Dutch panties that refuses to be scrubbed out, made people remember he exists over the weekend when he talked shit about Beyonce. KFed instantly became Beyhive enemy #1 right after the sports site Terez Owens tweeted this picture of the Queen of the Beyhive and Jay-Z at some fight in Las Vegas:
KFed saw that picture and made the stingers of the BumbleBeys shake with these three words:
@TerezOwens she looked botoxed
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
And then he said that Beyonce looks like she should be scaring people while riding around on a little red tricycle.
So sad when a beautiful woman chops and screws her face up w/Botox and surgery… #sawface
— Kevin Federline (@kevinfederline) November 22, 2015
I’m sure the Beyhive is making plans to hit KFed where it really hurts (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to break into his closet and destroy his beloved collection of white socks and Adidas slide sandals.) But before they do that, they’ve been filling up his mentions on Twitter. Of course, they dragged Our Lady of Cheetos into it, which makes no sense since she’s an all-natural youthful Louisiana blossom.
This is so random that I love it, but the Beyhive really doesn’t know who they’re fucking with. KFed is so damn fertile that he can knock a bitch up through a DM. If the Beyhive keeps screwing with KFed, he will send them all a DM and as soon as they open it up, BOOM pregnant. And they’ll be cursing his name for the next 18 years every time they have to write him a child support check.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
The whispers that one of Jay Z’s 99 problems was the struggle of trying to hide the fact that he was banging Rihanna from his wife has been around since the beginning of time (no, for real, I’m sure there are cave paintings showing a woman with a joint in her mouth receiving a text that says “U awake?“). There was even a theory that Jay Z’s relationship with RiRi was the reason for why Solange went loco on his ass in an elevator after the Met Gala. Basically, we all agreed that at one point in time, Jay Z’s dick probably smelled like space weed and zero fucks.
Well, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay, you can go ahead and stop side-eyeing Rihanna for doing the electric adulterous camel slide with Jay Z, because that rumor is about as real as the birthdate on Beyonce’s driver’s license. Jonathan was forced to tell the truth after he was outed by J. Randy Taraborrelli, the author of Becoming Beyonce, an unauthorized biography about – DUH – Beyonce. J. Randy (hot name) claims that Jonathan wanted to drum up some publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay“, back in 2005. And when in doubt, a rumor about fucking your married mentor usually works.
Jonathan says that he has since apologized to Beyonce, and that the whole thing is “very awkward.” No, Jonathan – awkward is telling your parents you’re considering entering the witness protection program after you received a mountain of death threats from the Beyhive for bey-smirching their queen’s good name.
You know, I want to believe Jonathan. I really do. But something about this stinks of weave glue and Photoshopped thighs. Does anyone have a video recording of Jonathan Hay coming clean? I wouldn’t be surprised if said video was filmed in a basement next to Solange’s cot, and features the shadowy figures of Bey’s henchmen (Kelly and Michelle) blocking the door while the voice of Blue Ivy instructs him to read the cue cards exactly as they’ve been written if he wants to see outside again.
Meanwhile, I’m sure if you asked Rihanna if anything nasty happened between her and Jay Z, she’d just shrug and be like “Who cares? NEXT.” Here’s RiRi looking like a bootleg Color Me Badd doll while performing last night in LA.
The company that Jay-Z forgets exists, Tidal, held an Illuminati ritual ceremony at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night to celebrate their 1 millionth subscriber. Or should I say, they celebrated the 989,999th subscription that Jay-Z bought to make it look like they have 1 million subscribers. During the charity concert, which benefited some organization that funds social movements (whatever that means), the First Lady of Tidal busted out a performance of “Feeling Myself” with Nicki Minaj and before she did that, her titty bowls nearly busted out as she posed on the carpet.
ANCIENT ASS Beyonce pulled one of her high ponytail wigs out of her hair closet, slapped it on her head and went on over to Blue Ivy Carter’s craft room to ask her daughter to use some of that Elmer’s Glue to glue that shit onto her. I don’t know whether that lace front is eating her forehead or if her forehead is eating that lace front. But beyond that, the rest of her look is very “Casual Friday Mariah Carey.” From the neck up, she’s I Dream of Jeannie and from the neck down, she’s Mimi. So together, she’s I Dream of Mimi.
Beyonce’s overall look is tacky, cheap, and is lazy Jeanne Kasem cosplay. So with that said, I love it! But what I love more is a moment that happened between Beyonce and her assistant in front of the photographers. After Beyonce’s minion fixed her dress for a quick second, she let that peon know that it’s time to shoo out of her shot by softly saying, “Stop it.” (Side note: That photographer just had cataract surgery and figured that blurry figure in the high ponytail was Charo, which is why she’s mistakenly calling Beyonce “queen,” right? Right?)
And one second after that moment, a trap door opened up below the assistant sending her down a long chute and into the basement where she’ll spend the rest of eternity making high ponytail wigs for Beyonce.
Beyonce hasn’t answered a direct question in more than a year and when her royal Beyhive-ness was on the cover of the September issue of Vogue, she didn’t give them an interview. Some think that Beyonce is keeping her mouth shut to reporters, because she doesn’t want to ruin the illusion of Beyonce. Beyonce is the Mona Lisa of the music world. And if the Mona Lisa could speak, she may ruin her gloriousness by saying that Nickelback is her favorite band and she feels like she’s being ass raped whenever all those tourists take her picture. So Beyonce is letting her ART speak for itself, thankyouverymuch.
But Beyonce did recently say words, sort of, to Flaunt Magazine. Beyonce played a spontaneous word-association game for them. And by “spontaneous,” I mean that a group of writers tirelessly worked for 3 days on it, a team of publicists analyzed it and it went through 4 focus groups before Flaunt was allowed to publish it. The word cloud is in the gallery, but here’s a few of her answers:
Talent – Dependable
Palm Trees – Sangria w/extra fruit
Beach – Is Better!
Historical – Michael
Iconic – Overused
Polluted – Social Media
Competition – Middle Finger :p
Please, this is what it would look like if Beyonce played for real:
Talent – Beyonce
Palm Trees – Not As Great As Beyonce
Beach – Irrelevant, Because It’s Not Beyonce
Historical – Beyonce
Iconic – Beyonce
Polluted – The Heads Of Beyonce Haters
Competition – What’s That?
Beyonce and that wet look…. It’s like parsley on an entree. Nobody wants it or asks for it, but she’s going to keep giving it to you.
Beyonce took one of her wigs, ran it under the faucet, flopped it on her head and said to Mario Testino, “Take my picture like this, bitch, and watch Anna Wintour STILL put it on the September cover even though I look like I just got out of the shower.” Now every hopelessly devoted member of the BeyHive is going to dip their hands into the jar of cooking grease their abuelita keeps under the kitchen sink and smear it all over their hair so they too can look like a wet Lhasa Apso is lounging on their head.
Never mind that Beyonce looks uncomfortable on that cover and like she’s got itchy butt and can’t wait to soothe it by rubbing up against that chair, Vogue released quotes from her cover profile and none of them came from her mouth. Who knows if she was even interviewed? I’d like to think that she wasn’t. Why would Beyonce strain her jaw muscles by talking about herself when some of her disciples can do the talking for her? They laid it on thicker than that leave-in conditioner on Beyonce’s hair:
“The word diva is used for so many female performers, and it often means they have reputations for being difficult, but she exudes charm and a lovable quality.” – Marc Jacobs
Beyoncé is a powerhouse. She can sneer. She can out-strut and stare down any man in the film frame. Call her, in the songs, She Who Must Be Obeyed—in the palace, in the bedroom, in the hood, on the road, and on the runway.
“Her appeal crosses art forms, genders, and generations.” — Stella McCartney
Beyonce’s going to save a lot of money on lotion made out of blended unicorn placenta, because Vogue kept her ass moisturized by licking every inch of it several times.
Vogue also released a HIGH ART video from the shoot that looks like the kind of warped VHS tape footage that plays during an episode of 48 Hours about a high-profile murder case:
Beyonce IS killing the BumbleBeys with this shoot, I’m sure, so that video is fitting.
Two weeks ago, Blake Lively decided to celebrate Ryan Reynolds’ first Father’s Day by posting a picture on Instagram of her husband carrying around their 6-month-old baby James. Rather than receiving a million comments saying “Aw sOoOoOo cute!!!“, a bunch of moms exploded into a mob of angry snakes and hissed at Ryan for not putting his baby in the carrier properly. Well, while hustling his new movie Self/Less on the TODAY show Tuesday morning, Ryan admitted he was wrong and promised to not let it happen again.
“The baby’s not properly secured in the vessel that I’m wearing there. I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.”
I would love to know what some of the other mistakes Ryan has made are. I’m sure if you asked Blake Lively, most of them probably have to do with feeding Baby James strained peas straight from the jar instead of hand-mashing freshly-picked petits pois and serving it out of a rustic antique mason jar.
Shortly before he made good with one group, Ryan managed to accidentally piss off another. During the audience Q&A portion of a recent interview with AOL, Ryan Reynolds was asked what it’s like to have a wife who “literally slays it on the red carpet with whatever outfit she has on” and what he thinks about Beyonce. Ryan cemented his name at the top of the Beyhive’s shit list for the rest of his living days by answering with the following:
“My wife knows how to work a red carpet, I’ll say that. She might be the Beyonce of red carpets. And Beyonce, she’s the Michael Jordan of music to me. I’ve seen four of her shows, and that’s what comes to mind every time.”
I’m sorry, but doesn’t Ryan realize that her royal highness Beyonce is the queen of everything? Beyonce is the Beyonce of the red carpet. Beyonce is also the Beyonce of basketball (sorry, Michael Jordan). Beyonce is the Beyonce of Beyonce. I don’t even know what that means, but according to Beyonce, that’s a 100% true fact.
Here’s Ryan hustling Self/Less yesterday in what appears to be the lobby of a Holiday Inn.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”
Note: If you ever find yourself in the presence of fashion designer Carolina Herrera, make sure you’re not wearing that see-through dress you made yourself using old L’eggs hose, a hot glue gun and broken beer bottle glass. Because Carolina Herrera yawns every time she sees another trick done up like Richard Simmons shat up gemstones on their naked body.
During a talk with the Washington Post, Carolina delicately lifted her gold-rimmed bone china teacup and gently shook her head before taking a sip while thinking about how fashion designers these days are trying to lure in young customers by designing “almost nekkid” clothes. As example, Carolina, who is always as put together as an Ann Taylor regional manager, brought up the Bedazzled Naked Hussy Harlot Ho Parade that went down the red carpet at the Met Gala this year. Carolina doesn’t understand how the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Kim Kartrashian can be considered “fashion icons” when they don’t wear any fashion. Go ahead and look those tricks up and down, Ms. Herrera:
Some designers think “it’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No!” Herrera says emphatically. “The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.” Herrera turns to the recent Costume Institute gala to make her point. Exhibits A through C: Beyoncé and her bedazzled mosquito netting; Jennifer Lopez in a red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides; Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.
“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything,” Herrera says in a tone that is both exasperated and dismayed. “It’s an obsession now.”
Oh great, now Carolina has gone and said it. In the Museum of ME-ME-ME in Kanye West and Kummy Kakes’ mansion, workers are currently painting the quote “‘Kim Kardashion… Fashion Icon…’ – Carolina Herrera” on one of the walls.
I’m with Carolina Herrera all the way. Beyonce, JLo and Kummy Kakes look like tackiness wrapped in trashiness and dipped in slivers of messy when they go out half-naked. They just don’t have the natural elegance, grace, ladylike refinement and gentility needed to pull off that look and not look like trash. They just need to stop. They are not England’s Finest Rose, Jodie Marsh, who can wear a Hot Topic belt as a nipple cover and still look like the epitome of opulence and class.
Yes, that really is Jodie Marsh. You probably looked at that picture and figured that Duchess Kate went blond. If Carolina Herrera saw that picture, she’d definitely say, “I take back the hate I threw at the naked look, because THAT is a fucking fashion icon who knows how to do it.”
Last night, Good Morning America got the Beyhive in pre-frenzy mode when they announced on Twitter that on Monday morning Beyonce was going to make a big announcement that everyone will love. They all wondered what could it be?! Will Beyonce announce that she’s running for president as a Beyocrat? Will Beyonce announce that instead of doing a world tour, she’s going to do a 6-week residency on Tidal’s streaming service and yes, tickets will still be $500 each? Will Beyonce announce that she’s bringing her Tempur-Pedic baby bump out of retirement? What is it????! So, the Beyhive got up early today, polished their stingers and prepared to lose their minds, but when Beyonce’s big announcement was revealed, dicks went soft and balls turned blue. Beyonce’s big announcement was about as interesting as a vegan’s broccoli-induced butt burp.
Beyonce’s big announcement wasn’t even an announcement. Beyonce just wanted to talk about being a sometime vegan for the 1,345,985th time. By now, every single living thing on this planet knows that Beyonce and Jay-Z went vegan for 3 weeks, because she won’t stop shitting up at the mouth about it. Beyonce went on GMA to whore out Marco Borges’ 22-day vegan diet, which she’s whored out before. Beyonce even wrote the foreword for his book The 22-Day Revolution. Beyonce’s big appearance was beysically an informercial.
Yes, Beyonce is that insufferable friend who talks about being a vegan once and goes on and on about how much it changed their life. But instead of doing it in a Facebook status, she does it in a “special announcement” on Good Morning America.
Beyonce didn’t even go into Good Morning America’s studios for this shit! She just rolled out of bed, went to her rooftop and shot the pre-taped piece while she had 5 minutes to spare. This is some “I will film some non-announcement on a rooftop and hos will call in sick to work to watch it” shit. I bet right after Beyonce burped up how great being a vegan is, her personal drone delivered the Double-Double her assistant ordered from an In-N-Out in Austin, TX and her stylist asked her if she wants to wear the rhino leather jumpsuit or the red panda fur culottes.
And the Beyhive was mad at their God for a second:
Beyoncé: I have an announcement Hive: OMFG A TOUR???? ALBUM?????? Beyoncé: Y'all fat lol
— mer. (@theonewithbey) June 8, 2015
But I’m sure they have already forgiven her and will get up early next week when Beyonce announces on Today that she took a shit.