When Jay-Z announced that he was going vegan for 22 days, he wrote a blog post about spirituality and numerology and plants, and then slid in an awkward footnote about Beyoncé that said: “P.S. B is joining me”. Well, it looks like he forgot to add “…but it wasn’t her idea, so she’ll fight me every step of the way” because Bey has been seen wearing as much Meat Is Murder couture as Tina can carry over in her House of Deréon-branded Chevy Astro van. Cow shirts, pizza pants, fur collars, whatever endangered animal she makes her lace fronts out of; Bey is channeling her inner Exclamation, because she’s making a statement without saying a word. And that statement is “this vegan diet is bullshit”.
Gandhioncé brought her non-violent protest to lunch with Jay-Z the other day at vegetarian restaurant Crossroads. By the way, I checked – it is NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant; go ahead and cancel those reservations. And write Britney all your letters asking her to open a Crossroads-themed restaurant (I’m sure Taryn Manning would be interested in a server position).
Beyoncé has taken civil disobedience to a whole ‘notha level; everything she’s wearing is animals. Alpaca weave, cow shirt, leather pants, leather heels; the only way she could have piled on more dead animals is if she was also wearing the minotaur head from American Horror Story: Coven. Frankly, at the rate she’s going, Bey will eventually run out of subtle animal/meat clothes to wear during her Fuck You, Jay fashion tour and start wearing actual obvious shit; cut to Day 16 when Beyoncé shows up to lunch in Blake’s bear coat from Workaholics. That’ll show him!! Nobody makes Queen B do what Queen B don’t wanna do!
(Pics via Wenn)
A day before his born day on December 4th, Jay-Z announced to the world that he and Beyonce are going completely vegan for 22 days, because they want to cleanse themselves spiritually and physically. Haha. No, they’re telling everyone they’re going vegan for 22 days, because it’s trendy and they’re craving their favorite protein of all: attention.
I guess Blue Ivy Carter’s creators aren’t totally hugging all of the vegan lifestyle, because Beyonce showed up to vegan restaurant Cafe Gratitude in L.A. in a pepperoni pizza ensemble. So some vegan’s sitting there eating his tempeh and wet leaves sandwich when Beyonce strolls in with cooked cow coins all over her body. She looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Tumblr background. Okay, her outfit wasn’t that serious and I’m sure nobody was offended, because nobody was in the restaurant since Jay-Z’s bodyguards probably kicked all those grass eaters out of there!
So her pepperoni pizza ensemble wasn’t that bad, but what she wore to a vegan restaurant the next day definitely made everybody in there roll their eyes to the left… to the left (I hate myself for typing that too). Beyonce ate at Native Foods in Westwood while wearing a Christopher Kane wool-blend parka with a fox fur collar. The Daily Mail has pictures of that foolery. Wearing real fur to a vegan restaurant… That’s the corner where Dumb Fuck and Tacky Mess meet. But in Beyonce’s defense, I’m sure that dead animal on her shoulders ate a plant-based diet while it was alive.
I can’t wait to see what she’s going to wear to a vegan restaurant today. I’m going to go with a beef jerky bikini and a lion carcass cape. No, too much. Beyonce’s going to keep it demure by painting her naked body with pig’s blood. She’s going minimalist today!
Conspiracy theorists will be very busy today (“I need more coffee! But not Folgers; I heard they had insider information on 9/11“), because Beyonce’s recent trip to the Illuminati Motherland in Egypt didn’t go quite as well as she wanted (“wanted”. Ha! Beyoncé demands). Surely that means something! At what angle did she stand against the Sphynx? How soon after she exited her SUV did she make a triangle with her hand? Did she sacrifice a camel to the New World Order?
These are the questions we’ll never get answers to, because Beyonce’s trip to the Pyramids didn’t last long enough for her to buy a BLUEIVY keychain from the gift shop. According to The Daily News, Beyonce is banned from the Pyramids because she kept her tour guide waiting:
The singer was stopped from seeing the Pyramids because she kept renowned archaeologist Zahi Hawass waiting and refused to apologize, he has revealed.
“Most people I take on tours are very nice and we become friends. But this lady…,” Hawass, the former Egyptian Minister of State for Antiquities, told The Independent newspaper.
“She said she would come at 3 p.m. but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth.
“I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite — out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”
“I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”
DEAD MAN WALKING.
Pissing off Beyoncé is as dangerous as pissing off Scientology (she’s practically a religion, at least in her mind). Beyoncé served eviction papers to LaTavia Roberson just because she called the good tube-top at the Say My Name video shoot, so what do you think she’ll do to you, Zahi Hawass? Fuck the basement (Solange says hi!), your wife better start making funeral arrangements, because calling Beyoncé stupid has earned you a one-way ticket to Destiny’s Dumpster.
(Pic via Instagram)
Fans of all kinds are yanking and pulling at Beyonce. A couple of months ago, an actual fan grabbed Beyonce’s Malaysian weave and tried to snatch that shit from off of her head. That fan was later put down, dismantled and all of its part were thrown down into the basement with Basement Baby. Basement Baby is now using the fan to grill moth balls on. And then last night at a show in Sao Paulo, a crazed, shirtless Brazilian fan grabbed her and pulled her into the pit of rabid Bumblebeys while she was singing “Irreplaceable.” A look of potent fear and terror covered Beyonce’s face as if somebody just told her that her entire wig crypt (copyright: Fresh) was just destroyed in a fire. Seriously, this looks like a human being swallowed by a mob of zombies.
Before all the crazed Bumblebeys pounced on her and drowned her with their slobber, her bodyguards pulled her out of the pit and she kept on singing. Beyonce’s bodyguards were going to throw the insane body snatcher out of the show, but she stopped them and ten seconds later shook the crazy bitch’s hand. Beyonce shaking that crazy bitch’s hand was her way of giving him his last rites, because I’m sure her bodyguards dragged him out of there and he was later used as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.
Will crazy bitches stop yanking at Beyonce? Is it really that serious? It’s just Beyonce! It’s not like she’s the last Cronut on Earth or a box of America’s rarest and most delicious delicacy Jell-O-1-2-3. I swear, Beyonce’s going to have to get herself a mic that doubles as a taser.
In Ibiza today, Beyonce carried our messiah Blue Ivy Carter (who’s looking more and more like a miniature Jay-Z) up a ramp while wearing a pair of black stilts and coochie cutters. Don’t worry, if Beyonce’s ridiculous ass slipped and she fell, her magical golden weave would transform into angels wings and fly her to safety. You can’t tell from these pictures, but in the water below, there’s a pod of dolphins holding a swan feather mattress with their mouths just in case Blue Ivy Carter or her royal highness Beyonce fell overboard.
I’m sure Beyonce’s heels scratched up the floor of that yacht. And I’m even more sure that the yacht’s owner isn’t going to fix the floor, because he knows the Bumblebeys will pay him to lick the scratches that Bey made.
Meteorologists reported that during the past week (no, they didnt), temperature rose by 30% (no, they didn’t) and that’s all because the sun came closer to the Earth to get a peek at Beyonce’s newly cut hair. Temperatures also rose, because another hole was burned into the ozone layer when all the Bumblebeys of the Beyhive torched their weaves, wigs and lace fronts. Beyonce cutting her hair changed the universe and changed the world!
Well, Beyonce’s short, natural hair lasted about as long as a Kanye queef. While leaving a restaurant with Jay-Z and the chosen one in Miami today, Beyonce worked a butchered, slanted bob that made her look like a bootleg Keri Hilson which is saying a lot since Keri Hilson looks like a bootleg Keri Hilson. That thing on Beyonce’s head looks like it’s growing tails and I really want to see it dance to an Aretha Franklin song with the hillbilly Hagrid on his porch.
And I’m sure one of Beyonce’s hairstylists is going to tell People that this isn’t a weave or a wig. It’s Beyonce’s hair! Her hair naturally grew 3 or 4 inches in a week. It’s Beyonce! Her follicles can do that.
Yes, there’s alway an Oprah in the background of every picture saying, “Er, can we hit the rewind button?”
The world will never be the same again and that’s because Beyonce cut her hair. Just when we were all barely getting over Felicity chopping her mane of curls off, Beyonce knocks the planet off of its axis by going and doing this. I said earlier that hos are having coronaries over Beyonce simply just taking her lace front off, but one of her hair stylists wants to set shit correct. Kimble of We TV’s L.A. Hair didn’t cut all of Beyonce’s hair off, but she works on Bey’s hair a lot and tells People that it was long, thick and luxurious (and if you’re a slut like me then you had the image of long, thick, luxurious dicks growing out of Beyonce’s scalp when you read the words “long, thick and luxurious“).
“I got a little teary eyed! I’ve been working for her so long, she has this beautiful long hair and it’s hard to grow hair out. I feel like it’s my hair, I work so much with her. I feel a little emotional but excited for her too. Maybe I’ll cut my hair off now. Short hair, don’t care! She had great, thick long hair, which she cut off because she’s ready to make a statement. It’s a great [one] to make: I’m beautiful, sexy, bold and I can do it all. She’s the perfect model for that: A working woman, mom, superstar, businesswoman. She’s powerful in herself. “
No, that hair says, “Sandy Duncan is my style icon.” (Sorry Miley, but every chick with short blond hair is copying Sandy Duncan.)
If Beyonce isn’t going to install another Malaysian weave and is going to work this British schoolboy haircut from now on, then say goodbye to the wind. Because if the wind doesn’t have Beyonce’s hair to blow through, then it has no reason to blow at all. Goodbye, wind!
(Pic via Instagram)
Every lace front executive and weave master cashed in their 401k, sold their house, pulled their kids out of private school, traded their BMW in for an old used bike and did the slow wall slide of impending uncertainty last night when their #1 customer Beyonce posted pictures of what I think is her natural hair on Instagram. Everybody lost their minds while every drag queen rolled their eyes at this, because when they simply take their wigs off, nobody furiously emails CNN’s tip line. But seriously, I thought that underneath Beyonce’s mountain of wigs was just a bald head with the security code to Basement Baby’s basement door tattooed on it. Who knew there’s actual hair underneath there. Does this mean that Beyonce won or her weave-snatching fan won?
Or maybe that’s a wig too. Beyonce’s head is probably like one of those Russian nesting dolls. You pull off one wig and there’s another wig underneath it and so and so and so and so on… There’s a never-ending pile of wigs on her head and every time she pulls off a wig, her neck grows just a little bit thicker. The entire wig and weave industry shouldn’t shut down until they find out the real truth. Get on it, MythBusters!
And the worst part of this weavepocalypse is that somewhere Miley Cyrus is saying, “Told y’all bitches!”
During her show in Montreal on Monday night, a fan that is supposed to gently blow Beyonce’s weave (so it always looks like the angels are fanning her with their wings) staged a one-fan coup by turning on her ass. While Beyonce yodeled out Halo, the fan snatched her weave and held on tight as crew members tried to pull her out of it. The rebel fan would not let go of that bought-and-paid-for Malaysian weave and Beyonce had to be cut out of it. But Beyonce kept on singing so that the audience wouldn’t hear that fan cursing her ass out. Beyonce later posted a video of the weave snatching on Instagram and wrote a letter to her human fans about it.
Bey, please. She’s joking about it now, but she wasn’t joking when she pulled that fan’s cord out of its socket, ripped all of its insides out and tossed its remains down into the basement where Michelle Williams (Happy Birfday, Michelle!) and Basement Baby used it to make a grill to cook moths on. Then Beyonce bought the company that made that fan, fired all of its employees and burned the entire place down to the ground. That’ll teach that fan. Beyonce always gets the last laugh. When you snatch her trick ass weave, she’ll come after you and all of your fanily members.
In a spread for Flaunt that is giving me flashbacks of ANTM’s bald and bedazzled shoot, Beyonce is covered in TONS OF FUCKING
SEQUINS GLITTER and is farting out unicorn dust. Thanks to all that glitter and that bald head, she looks like the excited clit on a butterly unicorn sticker or like one of Liberace’s overused Q-tips or like Mimi’s favorite dildo. I’m really into this, but that’s only because my eyes get hungry for sparkly things. I’m the sparkle lover who got sent home from school early for pouring all the jars of glitter on the floor while making a cigar box and pasta shell jooree container for my mom. I’m such a cliche, I know.
Flaunt also did a Q&A with Beyonce and for some reason they asked her what her favorite stain is. Beyonce said, “Milk.” MILK! I know she’s trying to sound like she’s embracing all the joys of motherhood (BLAH BLAH BLAH) with that answer, but since my brain is a trash dump I pictured something else. Beyonce saying “milk” is her favorite stain made me think of camel milk, which made me think of Jay-Z, which made me think of Jizz-Z, which made me need to excuse myself . I don’t need those thoughts today.