On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.
This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.
That’s really how this video was made.
With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.
Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.
I see that shifty trick Shadyoncé already cut Solange’s allowance, because she and her new husband had to ride their spray painted yard sale bikes to their reception in the storage room at Krystal burgers instead of taking a limo. Beyonce ruins everything!
As expected, the mice are screeching out celebratory shrieks of YAYs in the basement today, because their 28-year-old queen Basement Baby married her 51-year-old video director boyfriend Alan Ferguson in New Orleans. Also as expected, it was a great big hipster affair complete with white bikes, which they both rode to their wedding venue. People says that Solange and Alan got married at Marigny Opera House in front of around 200 people including Janelle Monae, Solange’s son Julez, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Greta Gremlin’s twin sister Tina Knowles. Matthew Knowles would’ve shown up, but I doubt he was invited and he was probably busy barebacking a baby into another trick.
Some source tells People that Basement Baby and Alan looked calm and happy, which means they were stoned as fuck.
“Beaming. Calm. They looked pretty calm, relaxed on their wedding day,” one onlooker tells PEOPLE. “Definitely happy.”
No, Basement Baby’s caped jumpsuit didn’t come from Elvis’ Viva La Bride bridal collection. Stéphane Rolland made that chichis baring caped suit. I love their wedding look, because Solange is wearing some shit that Bianca Jagger would’ve worn if she was a superhero and her man looks like Common’s traveling preacher older brother. The Daily Mail has pictures of the Quilted Northern dress Beyonce wore if you care about that.
And for Jay-Z’s sake, I hope he wore some cut resistant gloves to the wedding reception, because you know Solange put some razors in her fro just in case she has to come at him again for looking at her funny.
All over the basement today, the mice, roaches and millipedes are busy making a stunning and exquisite wedding gown out of moth balls, dead silverfish and old kitchen curtains, because their queen, Solange, is getting married in New Orleans on Sunday! I see you blankly staring at the screen while chewing a sandwich and thinking to yourself, “And? It’s just Solange. Who cares?” Um, the MothHive (member count: just me) cares, because our Basement Queen finally has a Basement King!
UsWeekly ”somehow learned” (cut to me making air quotes while side-eyeing the messenger rat that Solange sent to deliver details of her wedding to UsWeekly’s offices) that 28-year-old Solange is marrying her 51-year-old video producer boyfriend of 5 years Alan Ferguson in New Orleans this weekend. Yes, he’s 51. Those Knowles sisters are all about the seasoned dick. “A source” tells UsWeekly that Solange and Alan’s 3-night wedding extravaganza will start on Friday night with a movie (probably a private screening of Fight Club 2: Hate In The Elevator) and will end on Sunday with them getting married.
Alan will become Basement Baby’s second husband. She married her son’s father in 2004 when she was just 17 and she divorced his ass 3 years later.
I love how UsWeekly has all these little details. I see you, Basement Baby. She probably sold her wedding pictures to them, but who can blame her? Now that she’s getting married, that shifty trollop Beyonce probably cut her allowance and deactivated her charge cards, so she’s gotta hustle. But sadly, once UsWeekly deducts the cost of Photoshopping out half of Beyonce’s waist and the football helmet that Jay-Z wears whenever he’s around a drunk Solange, she’ll owe them money. Poor Basement Baby is always staying in the basement.
Our Lady of Liquefy Tool Beyonce celebrated another successful week of being Beyonce by releasing a couple amateur sexyface modeling shots to her Tumblr, aka her online Barbizon portfolio. And once again, it appears that her Photoshop project manager Basement Baby decided to take a nap on an old pile of unsold House of Dereon jeans instead of going over each shot with a magnifying glass LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO, because another Body by Still Learning How To Use The Blur Tool picture was posted. Get your shit together, Basement!
Part of me wants to call up Adobe and ask if they offer an on-site tutorial on waist cinching, but I think the real problem here is Beyonce. Beyonce is clearly too confident in the skills of her team of Photoshop artistes! Why else would she stand in front of vertical stripes? Beyonce should know by now that unless she wants a busted mess of wonky-ass warped lines around her waist and thighs, she cannot stand in front of a striped background! It doesn’t matter how much attention Bey tries to draw down to her SpongeBob SquarePants-looking thigh gap, all I see is that fabric fun house mirror behind her!
And I guess I’m still really confused by one thing: if you’re going to go to the trouble of Photoshopping your waist, thighs, thigh gap, pussy, tits, arms, and face, why stop at the puckered butt holes in your arm pits? That would be the first thing I would want gone! Erase my armpit butt holes!
Beyonce has a staff of THOUSANDS and she can’t piss without dozens of diamonds falling out of her pee hole, so when she dresses up as Frida Kahlo I expect her to go all the way out. I don’t expect this half-assed shit. How can you say you’re Frida Kahlo for Halloween when your eyebrow situation does not look like two freshly groomed Woolly Bear Caterpillars delicately kissing each other on the lips? For where is the unibrow? Those eyebrows look more like two electrocuted pubic strips and Frida Kahlo would never ever groom her brows like that. Beyonce looks more like my bushy brow-having uncle in drag as Carmen Miranda.
Beyonce dressed up as Frida Kahlo to watch the Halloween parade in NYC at Charlie Bird’s with Blue Ivy and Jay-Z. Beyonce has so much money that she could’ve easily hired a Frida Kahlo expert to gather donated eyebrow hairs from Frida Kahlo’s relatives so that they could accurately recreate Frida’s glorious eyebrow situation for her costume. If that wasn’t a possibility, she should’ve just dyed her baby bangs black and glued that over her eyes. Even that would’ve looked better than those tragic, painted-on frazzled otter brows.
In other Beyonce news, the track list of her possible second surprise album leaked. It’s supposed to come out in 11 days. So from now until then, the Beyhive will be butt chugging liquid meth while refreshing Beyonce’s iTunes store page over and over again.
Praise be! Annie Lennox, the no-fucks-given queen, is thankfully still with us after coming for Beyoncé by calling her “feminist lite” and “cheap” last month. I was so sure that such blasphemy against Our Lady of Perpetual Lacefronts would result in Annie getting kidnapped in the middle of the night by a balaclava-wearing Basement Baby (who was promised a fresh clump of dryer lint for her bed if she could “make the problem disappear”). And it looks like Annie still doesn’t give a fuck, because she’s hissing at Yawncé about feminism once again.
During an interview with NPR (via Daily Mail), Annie was asked to further explain the comment she made about Beyoncé being the Diet Coke of feminism, which is basically the fancy public radio way of saying “Please please please say more beautiful shit about Beyoncé.” And she did! Sort of…
“Listen, twerking is not feminism. It’s not – it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you. That’s my feeling about it.”
“The reason why I’ve commented is because I think that this overt sexuality thrust — literally — at particular audiences, when very often performers have a very, very young audience, like 7 years older, I find it disturbing and I think its exploitative. It’s troubling. I’m coming from a perspective of a woman that’s had children.”
I’ve missed Annie’s diplomatic cuntery like the deserts missed the rain, and I truly appreciate that she says whatever the hell she thinks, but that comment about twerking made NO goddamn sense! I don’t think I’ve ever seen Beyoncé “twerk”. I’ve seen her rub her horny robo-coochie against the seat of a chair while proudly showing off her b-hole like a cat, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen her twerk. Unless Annie thinks twerking is the same as surfbort-ing? Maybe someone can ask her to explain that comment during the next interview she gives.
Regardless of what kind of feminist Beyoncé is, Annie should know there are more important things she should be shading Beyoncé about. Like Beyoncé’s jacked-as-hell 1950′s pin-up afghan hound hair!
The most hardcore, dedicated, crazy members of the Beyhive had their loyalty tested hard today when their God, Beyonce, stepped out in London today looking like a bucktoothed rat chewed on her clip-on bangs. If you show me a member of the Beyhive who thinks this is the look, then I’ll show you a straitjacket that is missing their body, because they are crazy. I know Jay-Z always has a sad look on his face like he just watched Bambi’s mom get shot, but I think that Little Lord FauntleDerp wig on Beyonce’s head is making him extra sad.
Is this Beyonce’s way of trying to get the lessers to relate to her? Because she’s a multi-multi-millionaire who could buy the mane off of a rare blonde unicorn if she wanted to and that dehydrated wig looks like it cost $5.99 and was the last thing remaining at a beauty supply store going out of business sale. That wig looks like it was snatched off of the club floor by a janitor at the end of Halloween night. I don’t even think that wig is sitting on her head right. It’s slouching and making her look like a deranged Klingon Bettie Page.
I really think Blue Ivy found a dirty, crusty, used mop head somewhere, cut it up with kitchen scissors and told her mom to wear it. And I love BIC for that.
If you woke up feeling broke, bitter and hungover like me, the Carter-Knowles are here to rub salt in your wound and point out that you are an imperfect poor ass who could never shut the Louvre down for a day so that you could ask the Venus De Milo to hold your purse and snap a few phone pics of you and your lovely family and then laugh because it’s funny because she has no arms. If you woke up feeling Awesome McWinnerson on top of the world, the Carter-Knowles are here to knock your ass off that high horse and point out that you’re an imperfect broke ass fighting the Louvre crowd basic bitch. At least they don’t play favorites, right?
So here are pictures that Beyonce posted of her perfect family day on Wednesday with Jay Z and Blue Ivy. You may want to put on your RayBans and some SPF 500 before you click, lest you get third degree burns on your eyeballs and everywhere else from gazing upon the white hot perfection of Illuminati Delacroix, Mona Lisa likes to take two fingers, Watch And Learn Psyche and Amore, and Marilyn Monblue Ivy. It’s like staring directly at the sun or masturbating: too much and you’ll go blind (GOOD – you). You can browse the gallery below or you can go to beyonce.com to see MY LIFE flashing over all the photos. YES WE KNOW, and thanks alot for ruining my monitor when I wrote FUCK over the MY LIFE with a Sharpie.
You know the real reason they shut down the Louvre is so the plebes wouldn’t see the Night At The Museum scene when all the paintings and statues came to life to fantard all over and photobomb the Bay-Jays. You might think that the Carters were taking pictures of themselves with the world famous artwork, but it was actually the other way around. And now you know why the Mona Lisa’s tits are autographed…it’s not graffiti, Mona begged them to do it and now refuses to ever bathe again.
I know a lot of people get scared of getting older, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years (needs verification) on this earth, it’s that the older you get, the less fucks you give, and the easier it is to call a bitch out on their shit. Case in point, life legend Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is 59 years old, which means she’s seen it, done it, heard it, fucked it, Eurythmics‘ed it, and has no time for any of it. Especially camel-humping surftbort-riding human weaves who think they’re an expert on feminism because they got their assistant to write up an article about gender equality once.
Annie (who should really get in contact with Linda Perry) recently admitted to PrideSource (via Daily Mail) that she’s not buying what Beyoncé is selling, in particular, Bey’s new love affair with Feminism:
“I would call that “feminist lite”. L-I-T-E. I’m sorry. It’s tokenistic to me. I mean, I think she’s a phenomenal artist. I just love her performances – but I’d like to sit down [with her]. I think I’d like to sit down with quite a few artists and talk to them. I’d like to listen to them; I’d like to hear what they truly think. I see a lot of it as them taking the word hostage and using it to promote themselves, but I don’t think they necessarily represent wholeheartedly the depths of feminism – no, I don’t. I think for many it’s very convenient and it looks great and it looks radical, but I have some issues with it. I think it’s a cheap shot. I think what they do with it is cheap.”
Oooooooh Annie…YOU. IN. DANGER. GIRL. Nobody calls Queen Bey CHEAP! Even Basement Baby, who is currently wiping her ass with 1/2-ply toilet paper-style pressed fiber sheets and eating No Name Cheerios, doesn’t call Beyoncé cheap. I hope you still got that leather mask you wore on the cover of Touch, because you might want to go incognito for a while.
But I do think it’s cute that Annie wants to sit down and hear what Beyoncé thinks. Bless your heart, Annie Lennox, but Beyoncé’s head isn’t filled with thoughts; it’s a complex system of circuits and wires and RAM and weave glue.