Those selfish vocal cords! How dare they keep Beyonce from a fun night out? The Beyhive only gets so many chances to see their queen appear in public, and you took one of those chances away from them, vocal cords. You better hope The Beyhive doesn’t locate your Instagram account. Just ask the producers of Grease: Live. But more on that in a second.
The 35th anniversary of the birth of Beysus (I’ll pause here for all of us shady bitches who need to throw a side-eye at “35“) was on Sunday and she celebrated Beymas all weekend long. Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter spent Friday with Michelle Obama at Camp David, Chance The Rapper serenaded her at the Made In America festival in Philadelphia on her actual born day, and last night she threw herself a giant Soul Train-themed party in NYC. A zillion famous tricks went to Beyonce’s party, including Puffy whose puffy b-hole probably screamed out a YES when he got the invitation, because he finally had a reason to wear that $3 swap meet-bought Vinnie Barbarino wig.
Those demonic cunt-hearted executives at Mylan Pharmaceuticals became even richer tonight when thousands upon thousands of members of the Behive needed to use several EpiPens after nearly stinging themselves dead when their Queen performed for what felt like 4 hours during the MTV VMAs.
Tonight on MTV was the BEYONCE EXTRAVAGANZA SHOW (featuring that awards show where they sometimes give out a moon man trophy) and she spent a chunk of time delivering a few songs from “Lemonade.” In the span of her entire performance, Beyonce did a few Illuminati rituals, re-enacted the Salem Witch Trials in its entirety and tried to lure Dracula out by presenting all of his brides.
Thanks for the “Lemonade,” Beyoncé.
Posted by MTV on Sunday, August 28, 2016
If you work with a hardcore member of the Beyhive expect them to call in dead tomorrow morning, because their Jesus’ performance killed them and it’s a little hard to go to work when they’re lying in a casket.
And here’s Beyonce wearing some kind of “Liberace as a Fraggle Rock” shit while posing with Blue Ivy Carter on the white carpet. If you turned these pictures of Beyonce upside down, it’d look like she’s coming out of a Muppet’s pussy.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
The nominees for the 2016 MTV VMAs were announced earlier today. The bad news for Taylor Swift is that she got zero nominations. The good news for Taylor Swift is that two people she’s currently feuding with got nominations, which means her name will automatically get dragged into just about every conversation about the MTV VMAs on the internet today. Congratulations, Taylor!
Shortly after the news broke about the back-to-back shootings of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling in Minnesota and Louisiana yesterday, Beyonce hopped on her laptop or whatever she uses to write down her thoughts (they may just get digitally sent over a wifi signal from her brain to a massive computer in The Beyhive, I don’t know) and released a statement on her website. She also threw up a message on Instagram pushing people to her website to read the statement and “turn anger into action.” Said action included urging people to contact their congressperson, as well as links to both the Minnesota state legislature and Louisiana state legislature. Beyonce covered it all. The only problem is, once people tried to turn their anger into action, they were met with a 404-error.