When most of us want to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with our money, we pour some Andre into a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard. (Although, none of us do that, because why waste the sparkling piss of the Gods that is Andre?) But when Beyonce wants to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with her and Jay Z’s billion dollar fortune, she pours almost half of the national average salary into a hot tub during a video shoot. Maybe!
The fingers of Twitter did their daily Riverdance of rage on keyboards yesterday when someone pointed out that it looks like Beyonce is pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac (aka Ace of Spades) into a hot tub in her and Nicki Minaj’s video for “Feeling Myself.” E! News says that a bottle of Armand de Brignac ranges from $300 a bottle to It Doesn’t Even Fucking Matter Because None Of Us Can Afford That Shit Anyway. One Twitterer believes that the exact bottle that Beyonce is holding costs between $10,000 and $20,000. “Bathing in it? How utterly provincial!” said Oprah while shitting into a diamond-encrusted platinum toilet filled with Ace of Spades.
As E! points out, Beyonce most likely got that shit for free since Jay Z owns Ace of Spades. So basically, this is free advertising for Jay Z’s overpriced booze and I’m falling for it. Dammit.
There’s a chance that Beyonce’s not even pouring out champagne. She could be pouring out water or the tears she collected from Jay Z’s ducts as he cried while reading Tidal’s monthly revenue report. If someone tracks down the actual location of that hot tub, I’m willing to investigate so we’ll know if we should be OUTRAGED!!! or not. And by “investigate” I mean stick a giant straw into that hot tub and suck everything up, because I’m a freegan when it comes to booze and it hurts me to see one drop of the sweet nectar go to waste. But you know, I’m sure the Beyhive already beat me to it. That hot tub is probably empty, because the Beyhive drank up all that dirty water since their God marinated in it for a minute.
IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THIS IMPORTANT STORY: Defamer says that the bottle Beyonce poured into that hot tub was probably only $300. All this talk about champagne is making me thirsty. If I only I kept a bottle of the finest champagne (read: Korbel) in my temperature controlled wine cellar (read: my refrigerator).
Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.
To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.
Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”
As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!
In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem
I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.
While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.
I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.
And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).
Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)
The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.”
Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!
In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:
“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”
I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.
But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.
So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.
The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.
That sound you just heard was Daddy Knowles frantically shoving what was leftover from his Destiny’s Child yard sale into his mobile retail station (aka his car) and hauling ass to Las Vegas so he can be the first merch vendor in the parking lot.
Page Six says that Destiny’s Child will be reuniting for the first time since Super Bowl XLVII at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards this evening in Las Vegas. I know that seems random as hell, but it’s all happening because Michelle Williams is up for a bunch of awards, and since the only thing Beyonce loves more than a Photoshopped thigh gap is the chance to grab someone else’s spotlight, she’s going and she’s dragging Kelly Rowland with her. A source says Destiny’s Child will be opening the show.
There’s also a rumor that Destiny’s Child’s performance this evening might be their sneaky way of announcing a reunion tour, but Beyonce’s rep (Basement Baby using a pay-as-you-go cellphone on loan from Blue Ivy) says that’s not true.
The Stellar Gospel Music Awards won’t air until next Sunday, so we’ll have to wait a whole week to see just how much Beyonce tried to upstage Kelly and Michelle or if she reused her angel costume from the Grammys. But I think we can all agree their performance will probably look a little something like this:
NO! Beyonce would never! And Beyonce totally won’t walk on stage to accept Michelle’s awards tonight either. Although if I were the Stellar Gospel Music Awards, I might want to think about securing the perimeter for Kanye West.
My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.
A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)
The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.
According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.
On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!
But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.
I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:
Madonna recently did one of those 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me for UsWeekly, and sadly we didn’t get anything that shocking, like finding out that she doesn’t sleep in a solid gold hyperbaric chamber filled with purified ghost screams every night or bathe in the tears of 1000 virgin vampires, but we did discover that she’s never met President Barack Obama. “Oh, that’s too bad” though black Madonna (copyright: Madonna) as he pulled out his phone and pretended to accept a call from President Obama for the 17th time that day.
She also gave her theory for why that has never happened, and it involves not Beyonce. When asked: “Who do you most want to meet?“, Madonna answered:
“Well, I’ve never met Obama. He probably thinks I’m too shocking to be invited to the White House. If I was a little bit more demure, if I was just married to Jay Z.“
I have re-read that answer at least 10 times and I’m not sure if that’s Madonna being shady or truthful. On the one hand, that sort of sounds like how I would imagine Madonna would call someone a boring basic bitch. On the other hand, it sounds like Madonna being self-aware enough to realize that her hard-core commitment to crotchless leather panty couture might be a bit much for the White House. I’m going with shade, if only because Shady Madonna is my favorite Madonna.
But Madonna shouldn’t be bothered about not receiving an invitation to the White House from President Obama, because I’m sure if we did a little research, we’d find out he’s never actually invited Beyonce either. Beyonce’s visit to the White House probably happened because Beyonce just showed up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue one day and instructed Blue Ivy to tell the Secret Service to let President Obama know that America’s Queen has dropped by for a visit.
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).