While Jay Z is reportedly busy working on a reponse to Lemonade (working title: Lemonade Stand By Your Woman If She’ll Still Let You), the first alleged Becky may have written some emails about Bey-Z that will be released soon. Except it won’t be on purpose, and it will probably make this situation even messier.
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Rachel Roy is sweating a little more than usual today. A source claims that Rachel has recently informed her friends that a whole bunch of private information has been stolen from a file on her computer. Some of that information includes emails that she’s afraid may get her a whole lot of unwanted attention if they get out. No word on how they were stolen or by whom or if several CCT security cameras have recently caught a woman in a yellow coffee filter dress and a ski mask slinking around Rachel Roy’s building.
The source doesn’t get into what’s in those emails that could possibly make so much trouble for Rachel. Rachel has already denied that she ever did anything with Bey’s husband, so it can’t be dirty emails from firstname.lastname@example.org, right? Maybe she’s freaking out because some of those emails are between her and someone else’s husband? Or maybe those emails contain information far more humiliating and shameful, like a whole bunch of emails informing her that no one has accepted her LinkedIn invitations yet.
Regardless of what kind of incriminating evidence is in those emails, Rachel might want to grab a few extra epi-pens or whatever you use to treat bee stings. If I know The Beyhive, it doesn’t take much to set them off. “This email is addressed to a Jayden Zander. Jayden Zander is totally an alias for Jay Z! DEFEND THE QUEEN!”
According to UsWeekly, Jay Z – seen above at the end of Beyonce’s hour-long avant-garde Cheaters episode (aka Lemonade) – is working on an album to tell his side of the story. A source says that he’s currently recording songs about the rough patch in their marriage from his perspective. If the rumors about Jay Z’s chronic cheating ways are true, then there’s a chance that Jay Z’s “perspective” is that of a guy who is trying to sneak in the front door at 3am without waking up his wife. But the source doesn’t say exactly what the theme of his album will be about. For all we know, the “rough patch” in their marriage could be the week Beyonce tried baby bangs or the time Jay made the mistake of suggesting that his wife hire a Photoshop tutor.
I don’t know if Jay Z releasing a companion piece to Lemonade is a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that there were two things I took away from watching Lemonade: Beyonce fucking loves fire, and she maybe had to sniff Jay Z’s dick on more than one occasion. So I’m thinking his side of the story will be about how he’s sorry for doing whatever he did with Becky. If so, then I think the track list will probably look something like this:
1. I’ll Be Right Back (I’m Going Out)
2. Working Late
3. Oh Shit, I Forgot (To Rinse Off My Dick In The Hotel Sink)
4. Second Cell Phone? What Second Cell Phone
5. I Don’t Know Rachel Roy That Way
6. Rita Who?
7. That Could Be Anybody’s Hair
8. Those Could Be Anybody’s Panties (the That Could Be Anybody’s Hair remix)
9. Not The Face (ft. Solange)
10. I’m Sorry
11. I’ll Do Anything To Make It Up To You
12. Looks Like I’m Watching Cadillac Records And Repeating The Words “You Should Have Been Nominated For An Oscar For This”
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
We’ll get to that “Showgirls meets SilverHawks” dress mess in a second. First we need to talk about the person wearing it, and how she once again attempted to just-so-subtly get some attention courtesy of Beyonce. As you may remember, the Who’s On First of people, Rita Ora, practically dislocated both her shoulders after throwing up her arms and waving “Over here! I’m not Becky with the good hair!” last week. Well, surprise surprise, she did it again at the Met Gala last night. Several times, actually.
I just want to spray Beyonce down with some liquid antibiotics and acid, because she looks like a used condom covered in herpes and rolled in kitty litter.
As we all know by now, the theme for tonight’s Meth Gala is Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, and it looks like Beyonce honored that theme by finding a way to copy and paste Zoe Saldana’s face onto hers, because that does not look like Beyonce. The rest of Beyonce’s look would be 100% perfect if the theme was A Night With Derek Jeter. Since Beyonce is a true artiste and everything she does has a message, maybe her doing herself up like a giant condom is her way of saying, “And I still don’t trust Jay!”
That dress is also giving me “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” because it looks like she skinned someone with chronic eczema alive and wore their hide on her body. That dress doesn’t only need to be dipped in antibiotics, it also needs to be dipped in Proactiv.
And just like she did last year, Solange outdid her sister tonight. Basement Baby’s look will remind you of the time that your dog pissed on the floor and you didn’t have any paper towels to clean it up with so you had to use the coffee filters. While Beyonce has access to all of the fanciest designers in the world and still shows up wearing that mess, Basement Baby only has access to what she finds in the dumpster and she still comes up with ART!
Solange also kind of looks like a lemon that’s been mauled by a garbage disposal, and that’s my cue to write a 12,000 word think piece on how this look is her commentary on Lemonade.
Seen above looking like a chorus member in Gold Dust Woman: The Stevie Nicks Spectacular (nightly at the Rio Las Vegas), Beyonce opened up her Formation World Tour in Miami last night. I shouldn’t even be writing about Beyonce because of how she did my favorite Knowles, Solange, wrong. UsWeekly points out that in the “thank you” credits for Lemonade, Beyonce thanks her mother, her stepfather and fails to thank her sister. Solange defended Beyonce by issuing a Mortal Kombat beat down on her (alleged) cheating trollop slut of a husband Jay Z and she can’t even thank her sister by dropping a “Thanks to my hero, Basement Baby Ali” in the credits? Cold-hearted: Beyonce is!
At Beyonce’s show last night, she paid tribute to Prince with a Purple Rain sing-along, and she also earned a “well, played” gold star by selling a $45 “Boycott Beyonce” t-shirt. Some thought that Beyonce’s Super Bowl performance was anti-police, so they called for a boycott. Beyonce turned that boycott into $$$$ into her leotard. Speaking of dollar signs, UsWeekly also says that before she yodeled out her song Halo last night, she dedicated it to her family including her beautiful husband.
“I want to dedicate this song to my family, thank you guys for supporting me. I want to dedicate this song to my beautiful husband, I love you so much.”
I guess love really is blind. Or Beyonce just can’t see very well because all of the dollar signs in her eyes are blocking her view. But you know, I’m kind of disappointed in Beyonce. I’m sad that during Sorry, she didn’t bring out Rachel Roy (wearing an “I’m Becky” t-shirt) and Rita Ora (wearing a “No, I’m Becky” t-shirt) and pretend to shave their hair off with a bedazzled clipper. But then again, the tour is still young.
(Side note: Becky #1 will forever have the better hair. Becky #2 wishes she had 80s mom hair.)
Three seconds after master troller Beyonce sang out a blind item in the form of the lyric “Becky with the good hair” from the future Emmy winner Lemonade, everyone and their hairstylist started spitting out guesses and a million memes were born. First, Rachel Roy (not Rachael Ray) seemed to out herself as BWTGH, and then Rita Ora decided to scratch at her attention spot by trying to get everyone to think she’s BWTGH. After they both got the attention they wanted, they denied being BWTGH. A source tells Page Six that Jay Z’s dick has been on more side tricks with good hair than Pantene has and the “BWTGH” in Beyonce’s song Sorry is a composite of all of them. But wait! Beyonce’s daddy (the same daddy who gets calls out in Lemonade and has dipped his untrue peen in plenty of BWTGHs, probably) is here to open up your mind and jerk some wisdom into it.
Hot on the heels of fellow How Is She Still A Thing? club member Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea has decided to get herself a lil’ slice of attention pie by uttering this week’s phrase that pays, “Becky.” That’s right, Iggy Azalea wants you to know that she definitely is NOT a Becky with good, bad or any other kind of hair. She is not a Becky at all and doesn’t want you calling her that.
Today, Rachel Roy burped up a statement to People where she denied being the “Becky with the good hair” that Beyonce sang about on Lemonade, and she also shit on the rumors that Jay-Z’s roving peen made its way into her bull dozer vagina. So, now that Rachel Roy is done getting attention for that dumb “Becky with the good hair” crap, it’s some other trick’s turn to use that lyric to get people to look at her. Enter the High Priestess of Trying It: Rita Ora!
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.