I know a lot of people get scared of getting older, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years (needs verification) on this earth, it’s that the older you get, the less fucks you give, and the easier it is to call a bitch out on their shit. Case in point, life legend Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is 59 years old, which means she’s seen it, done it, heard it, fucked it, Eurythmics‘ed it, and has no time for any of it. Especially camel-humping surftbort-riding human weaves who think they’re an expert on feminism because they got their assistant to write up an article about gender equality once.
Annie (who should really get in contact with Linda Perry) recently admitted to PrideSource (via Daily Mail) that she’s not buying what Beyoncé is selling, in particular, Bey’s new love affair with Feminism:
“I would call that “feminist lite”. L-I-T-E. I’m sorry. It’s tokenistic to me. I mean, I think she’s a phenomenal artist. I just love her performances – but I’d like to sit down [with her]. I think I’d like to sit down with quite a few artists and talk to them. I’d like to listen to them; I’d like to hear what they truly think. I see a lot of it as them taking the word hostage and using it to promote themselves, but I don’t think they necessarily represent wholeheartedly the depths of feminism – no, I don’t. I think for many it’s very convenient and it looks great and it looks radical, but I have some issues with it. I think it’s a cheap shot. I think what they do with it is cheap.”
Oooooooh Annie…YOU. IN. DANGER. GIRL. Nobody calls Queen Bey CHEAP! Even Basement Baby, who is currently wiping her ass with 1/2-ply toilet paper-style pressed fiber sheets and eating No Name Cheerios, doesn’t call Beyoncé cheap. I hope you still got that leather mask you wore on the cover of Touch, because you might want to go incognito for a while.
But I do think it’s cute that Annie wants to sit down and hear what Beyoncé thinks. Bless your heart, Annie Lennox, but Beyoncé’s head isn’t filled with thoughts; it’s a complex system of circuits and wires and RAM and weave glue.
Quick, grab the magnifying glasses! Wait, no – we’re going to need more advanced picture analysis technology than that! Grab your coat, we’re going to the CSI forensic lab! I need Horatio Caine to enhance-enhance-enhance this picture of Beyoncé’s alleged Blue Ivy bey-by bump, because I’m having trouble making out the pillow seams with my naked eye.
Her Highness Beyoncé finally released the home movies music video that played during Bey and Jay-Z’s performance of “Forever Young/Halo” every night of the We Want Money tour, and as you can see the biggest highlight was a grainy clip of Bey and Jay showing off Bey’s fetus factory. Oh boy, my tolerance for these two stunt queens is already pretty low, but this is just bey-yond. I know this is supposed to be real, true proof of Beyoncé renting out her womb to Blue Ivy, but I’m still not convinced. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, BEY! Specifically the one for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Baby!™ lifelike prosthetic third trimester bump you’re wearing.
I’m sure the bump Bey is sporting above is real (no I’m not), but it’s still a little too suspicious. The way Bey is holding her hands reminds me of when drag queens try to disguise the neckline of their breastplate by wearing a distracting necklace. There’s a rubber seam under that arm shadow, I just know it! Of course, we’ll never see the lower seam because it’s covered up by that sexy diaper thing she’s wearing.
But the bigger question here is…for why are Bey and Jay posing like every pregnant couple I’ve seen on Pinterest?? You know the ones, where the woman is always naked and done up in full hair and makeup and the dude looks like he just took a break from playing Xbox Live? “Oh, is this like a special memories kind of thing? Did you want me to change out of my cargo shorts or something?”
And here’s the full video, including a bunch of clips of Blue Ivy being adorable:
When Jay-Z casually (read: deliberately, as was instructed by Beyoncé and her cabal of sentient wigs) alluded to an unnamed “she” being pregnant with her second child during one of the last We Want Attention shows in Paris last Saturday, it might not actually have been the BREAKING BEY-BY NEWS we thought it was. According to OK! magazine (via Hollywood Life), Beyoncé spilled the bey-eans that she’s started shopping for pillows back in August at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower.
An attendee claims that Bey told her friends at the party that “Baby No. 2 was on the way”, which obviously means she received confirmation that the Illuminati has shipped her new baby from their headquarters under the Pentagon and it should arrive between 32 to 36 weeks. Please pay all applicable taxes and duties upon delivery. Sorry, no refunds.
But back to Beyoncé announcing the news of her second bey-by at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower. Would Beyoncé actually make Kelly’s special day all about Beyoncé? SHE WOULD! There’s no way Beyoncé was ever going to let Kelly “Second Lead Vocalist” Rowland steal the spotlight! I bet she walked in with a diaper cake like “Kelly, this diaper cake is for…MOI! Because I’m going to have another baby! Aren’t you all thrilled? Kelly, ask your fetus if it’s thrilled. Then ask your fetus to stay 3 feet behind me, because it’s sort-of in my spotlight.”
Meanwhile, Michelle Williams just found out the news today. No, not Bey’s baby news; the news that Kelly Rowland had a baby shower. “Uh…I guess my invitation got lost in the mail? Yeah, that’s it.“
Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!
During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.
I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.
And so it begins. Or should I say Bey-gins? NO I SHOULD NOT. On Friday night during one of the last On The Run concerts in Paris, Jay-Z changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” in a way that made it seem like he was trying to subtly announce that he had busted a bareback camel nut into his wife and that Beyoncé was pregnant with the second chosen Illuminati child. Of course, the internet lost its damn mind; FEMA and the Red Cross are still trying to clean up the mess left when the Bumblebeys heard the news and their heads exploded, Scanners-style.
And now Beyoncé has thrown her wig into the rumor ring. A black-and-white photo of Bey and Jay Camel was posted to Twitter yesterday (via Daily Mail) showing the happy couple celebrating the end of the On The Run tour in Paris with glasses of what looks to be champagne. If it’s actually champagne, then this might be Bey’s way of telling us she doesn’t currently have a case of fetus fever. But the picture is in black-and-white, so we have no idea if it’s actually champagne! It could be water! It could be apple juice! It could be a glass full of low-viscosity wig glue! We have no idea. JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’RE DRINKING, BEYONCÉ!
Of course, nothing is truly officially until an angel descends from heaven to place a God’s Choice baby halo around her stomach. So until then, let’s say she’s not pregnant, just “prepping her pillows”, so to speak.
And here’s Bey and Jay keeping the rumor mill churning by going out for dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel Tower last night. Oh look, what do we have here? Fancy dinner? Romantic setting? Jay-Z with his camel hoof around Beyoncé’s shoulder? Beyoncé covering her stomach with her purse? YAWN. Even Blue-Blue is like “It’s getting surf-boring, mommy.”
I stared at this picture of Beyoncé boarding a plane in France for a good 15 minutes in an attempt to determine whether she was breaking in her Publicity’s Choice 1st trimester pillow or just wearing a roomy sweater. My verdict? I’m sorry your honor, but I couldn’t come to a decision because I was too distracted by the busted sticker-looking mess on her arms and leg. Good god girl, step away from the stickers! You look like a damn daycare!
According to MediaTakeOut, Jay-Z might have spilled they Bey-eans (I hate myself for typing that, don’t worry) last night during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris. Joe Camel reportedly hinted that a certain someone might be knocked-up with the second chosen Illuminati child when he changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” from “Niggas asking if the oven’s on” to “Niggas asking, cause she pregnant with another one“. If you have family who live in Paris, now is the time to call them and make sure they’re still alive after the massive tsunami of Bumblebey tears fell from their eyes and destroyed the city.
Jay-Z never actually names Beyoncé as the one with fetus fever, so for all we know he could be rapping about Duchess Kate and the recent announcement that she’s pregnant with her second royal freeloader. But it’s probably about Beyoncé. “Everything is about Beyoncé” – Beyoncé.
Call me a skeptic, but I don’t think Yawn-cé is currently renting her womb to Blue Ivy’s sister or brother. Announcing your pregnancy by changing the lyrics to a song is a classic stunt queen move, but it’s not nearly dramatic enough. This is probably more of a pre-announcement announcement. When Jay-Z says she’s “pregnant with another one“, he’s not using the word pregnant to describe being knocked-up; that clever camel is using the alternate definition of pregnant, as in “full of meaning; significant or suggestive”. A week later, Beyoncé will post a picture of a First Response piss-stick with the caption: “The test came back positive! I’m pregnant…WITH A NEW ALBUM!!!!” Then when the album finally comes out (titled BEY-BY NO. 2) the album art will be a picture of a sonogram and the first music video will be footage of Blue Ivy holding her hair back as she throws up into a toilet. It’s all about the long game for Bey.
Just when I was beginning to think that it was a seriously slow Saturday and I’d have to start posting excerpts from the fanfiction buddy comedy I wrote about Justin Theroux and Jon Hamm’s dicks (that post is coming up next, probably), THIS piece of highly important news came across my screen. The beige plastic bowl of unflavored instant oatmeal that is Blake NotSoLively has made it clear in the past that she wants to be Martha Stewart AND Beyonce. Basically, Blake NotSoLively wants to be anyone but Blake NotSoLively and at first I didn’t blame her, but then I remembered that she’s Teen Witch’s sister and when she wakes up in the morning she has the option to brush her teeth with Ryan Reynold’s dick. Anyway, Beyonce’s born day (aka Beymas) was this past week and to celebrate that holy holiday, Blake made her God a beehive cake and showed it off in a video on Preserve’s Instagram page. The string of anal beads at the entrance is a beautiful touch. Blake dribbled out this little note about her offering to her GOD:
In honor of the Queen of all Bs…I had to make this Meyer Lemon Honey cake. Happy Birthday Beyoncé!!! Xxo Blake @beyonce @blakelively @preserve_us
“Queen of all BS..” I see what you did there, Blake. You better hide, Blake, because the bumblebees tried to take you out once and they’re not going to fail at their mission a second time.
But really, I see what Blake is trying to do. Blake is trying to replace Goopy Paltrow as Beyonce’s #1 pretentious, suck-up best friend, but it’s going to take a lot more than a beehive cake. Because for Beyonce’s birthday, Goopy bought her an actual bumblebee farm that will replenish the species and save the bees from extinction. Nice try, though, Blake.
Here’s Blake’s Queen and Jay-Z celebrating a stunt well done in Portofino, Italy today.
33 years ago yesterday, Beyoncé fell out of Mama Tina’s exquisite gremlin coochie (I’m assuming that it’s covered in neon lace, rhinestones, superfluous belt buckles, and high levels of STYLE, just like everything else touched by Tina) and to celebrate the birthday of the most important 33-year-old savior of all time (sorry Jesus) Jay-Z uploaded a 33-second video comprised of clips of Her Majesty titled “Happy B Day” to YouTube. Did Jay-Z just become a Beyoncé stan? I think he did!
Obviously Jay-Z had nothing to do with this shit – he’s too busy enjoying the smooth taste and pure enjoyment to go out and get his partner in tired stunt queen fuckery a birthday present. Instead he gave Blue Ivy a quick tutorial on iMovie along with a bunch of Beyoncé-approved clips from the “On The Run” tour, and told here there was a solid-gold Cozy Coupe in it for her if she could make that shit look professional. NO STAR WIPES, BLUE-BLUE! Sure, it’s basically just a commercial for Beyonce Jay-Z On The Run on HBO, but what were you expecting? A blooper reel? We already have those amazing pictures of Beyoncé performing at the Super Bowl XLVII halftime show – that’s all the blooper reel we ever need.
But the real question is…did Yawncé like her birthday present? OF COURSE SHE DID! How could she not? It included all her favorite things: Beyoncé, Beyoncé, insincere public declarations of love, Beyoncé.
Two Master Stunt Queens Attempted To Put On A Convincing Show At The “Made In America” Festival This Weekend
Okay, this is starting to get goddamn ridiculous. Even though I know and you know and your dog knows that the current state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship is hovering somewhere around the attic of a haunted house (ie: it’s been dead for so long, it’s now officially a ghost), they’re still hustling this tired come-to-life Heart Family bullshit like we’re all a bunch of gullible rubes. Except nobody’s buying what they’re selling! It’s gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure that even members of the Beygency are like “Girl, stop.”
And yet, these two continue to pull out their stale loaf of love bread and make stunt queen sandwiches for the never-ending publicity pic-a-nic that is their lives. Yawnce and Joe Camel decided to follow up their display of affection at the VMAs last weekend (for real, what in camel hell was that) by snuggling on each other at the “Made in America” festival in Los Angeles on Sunday night, and it was..something. I mean, it wasn’t nearly as tacky and blatant as their PDA performance at the VMAs, but it was still pretty awkward.
I know a couple of people who are deeply in love (myself and Doritos don’t count), and it would be really weird to see them pulling the kind of stiff Sears Portrait Studio poses that Bey and Jay were working on Sunday night. Did they take classes from the Lance Bass Modeling School? They’re SO awkward! They look like a stock image from a Christian sex toy website, but not one of the freaky horn-horn-for-Jesus ones (they exist, trust me), the other kind – the boring ones that refer to dildos as “marital aids.” I’m so surfbored.
But the thing that’s bothering me most of all is that everything is so damn red! Was the “Made in America” festival held in a high school dark room?