Category: Beyonce

Beyonce Gave Birth To A Twin Boy And Girl, There’s A “Minor Issue”

June 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I was in my usual place when Beyonce gave birth to a twin boy and girl on Monday in Los Angeles. It’s the place that I’ve been in during this entire pregnancy – on my knees, praying that I might get the chance to touch the hem of their garments at some point in my otherwise empty life.

TMZ is confirming that Bey and husband Jay Z are the parents of twins. Beymajesty and babies are still in the hospital due to a “minor issue” that hasn’t been identified. We can assume it’s because a vintage El Camino wasn’t driven in for her to give birth atop of for art’s sake. She’s not leaving that hospital bed until the situation is rectified. Continue reading

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Barack Obama May Have Spilled Some News On The Twin Messiahs (But Probably Not) 

June 16, 2017 / Posted by:

All week, the Beyhive has been on HIGH ALERT as they wait to hear the news that their King, Beyonce, has gifted the world with the real-life Gemini Twins. There’s been rumors that Beyonce was getting ready to give birth, was in the middle of giving birth and has already given birth. I’m not sure if I believe the rumors that Beyonce and Jay Z’s twins are already here, because I don’t remember seeing Jesus float down from heaven while holding two diaper bouquets to give to his twin successors.

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Beyonce Is Still Trying To Trademark Her Daughter

May 13, 2017 / Posted by:

Universal empress, Beyonce, wants to trademark her daughter Blue Ivy Carter’s name, but some paltry wedding planning company with the same name keeps trying to prevent her from doing so. That wedding planner better have reinforced steel doors, a full security camera set-up, and a panic room behind the Jordan Almonds station, because the Beyhive doesn’t play. They will stage a commando raid on some peasant wedding planners for their exalted and most high queen.

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Beyonce’s New Lips Are Not Up For Debate

May 5, 2017 / Posted by:

When will these silly mu’fuckas learn that Country Time’s favorite representative, Beyonce, is not to be fooled with? You can talk all the shit you want to about about Jay Z’s camel face and Blu Ivy’s hair, but the minute you come for the Queen, the Beyhive begins pulling razor blades from their weaves and using Michelle Williams’ CDs as ninja stars. In other words: RUN BITCH! This was a lesson that MediaTakeOut.com (AKA everyone’s favorite nosy girl from ‘round the corner) learned the hard way.

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Beyonce May Be Joining The New Live-Action “The Lion King” Remake

April 1, 2017 / Posted by:

I realize that during the Grammys earlier this year is that Beyonce, the queen of our time, placed a spell on all of us in the middle of her Offering to the Goddess performance when she gazed into the camera like “Love Me..Join Tidal… I COMMAND YOU!!” But that shit don’t work on me, because I don’t drink the damn lemonade. I prefer my ice to caress whiskey and honestly, I don’t even need the ice. So go hypnotize someone else, sistah!

Still, the spell worked on a few people (like Adele, who damn near somersaulted on stage to present Queen Bey with her Grammy on a bended knee). And director Jon Favreau is also ready to hand over stacks of cash for her to voice Nala in an upcoming live-action remake of The Lion King.

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