Except you know Beyoncé refers to her as ‘Kanye’s reality show girlfriend’. HA! Listen to me, acting like Beyoncé even acknowledges her at all. Every time Kim Kardashian approaches Beyoncé, Blue Ivy probably steps in and asks “Can I help you, ma’am? Are you here for an autograph?” before whipping out a Sasha Fierce-era 8×10 glossy and asking who she would like it made out to. “I can’t write very well, because I’m a toddler, but let’s just pretend this squiggle represents whatever it is your name is. What is that you’re holding; is that your baby? Ooo-wee, there but for the grace of Bey go I.”
But the tribute to Kim doesn’t simply end at Bey’s RuPaul-approved padded ass (for real though, it looks like her stylist cut two pieces of foam padding in the shape of Africa). According to The Mirror, Nick Grimshaw, everyone at the O2 Arena, most of Twitter, The Queen, her corgis, Paddington Bear, and a sleeve of McVitie’s Ginger Nuts all thought Beyoncé’s performance of XO at the BRIT Awards last night put the snore in boring. Well, you know what they say: if you want to put on a boring performance, there’s no better reference material than Kim’s sex tape.
After watching a bit of it myself, I have to admit it’s not that bad (I know, what’s happening, book an MRI). I was expecting a Theraflu-sponsored performance by a more-capable Lana Del Rey on horse tranquilizers, but we just got Beyoncé being plain ol’ Beyoncé. Look, British people, you set your expectations too high; not every performance is going to involve greasy chair grinding and surfborts. Sometimes you’re just going to get Blue Ivy’s mom in a long-ass lacefront and one of the leftover gowns from Dreamgirls.
(Pics: Splash, Wenn)
File this under: Obama and Beyonce fanfic written by Beyonce.
In totally real and not-at-all made up news, the French newspaper le Figaro (via Jezebel) reported this morning that there’s a good explanation for why Beyonce always beams from her face at President Obama like he’s a pile of virgin Indian hair or like he’s a picture of Beyonce: they’re fucking on each other. A French photographer named Pascal Rostain (which I’m pretty sure is French for “Michelle Williams In Need Of A Quick Check“) tells le Figaro that Beyonce is the Marilyn Monroe to Obama’s JFK and that The Washington Post is going to break this ESCANDALOSONESS tomorrow. When I ran a piece of le Figaro’s article through Google Translate (from French Bullshit into English Bullshit) this came out:
This morning, the paparazzi Pascal Rostain invited the largest direct media on Europe 1, supported this rumor by saying that the American press ( Washington Post in this case) would report tomorrow Tuesday a ” affair ” between Barack Obama and Beyoncé. “You know, at this time, the United States , there is something big that is happening ,” said he explained to micro Jean- Marc Morandini. Moreover, it will come out tomorrow in the Washington Post. We can not say that it is the gutter press, a supposed connection between President Barack Obama and Beyoncé. I can assure you that the world will talk . “
France’s Gala magazine picked up this story and added another layer of manufactured messiness to it. They also say that Beyonce is the First Side Piece of America and Obama and Michelle Obama are getting a divorce soon. Pascal Rostain continued to mouth shit out more hilariousness:
“There are [photographs and] television images of the Obamas [in which they are] a little distant. Just because it’s a rumor doesn’t mean that one should not go into the field to check. We should not forget Marilyn [Monroe] or Monica Lewinsky. You can be the president of the first world power — that doesn’t make you any less a man.”
HipHollywood points out that some hos are throwing a side-eye at this shit because of the timing. French President Francois Hollande is meeting with Obama in the US this week and he’s currently going through a scandal of his own. Hollande cheated on his girlfriend Valérie Trierweiler by passing his peen to French actress Juliet Gayet for two years.
The Washington Post has already said that they aren’t running a story about Obama having an affair with Sasha Home Wrecker.
Thank you to the French, once again, for showing hos how gossip is truly done. If you’re going to lie, lie big. Basement Baby just poured herself a second cup of lukewarm moth tea and is having the kiki of all kikis with the basement mice and her dusty Destiny’s Child dolls. This is pretty ridiculous since Beyonce thinks she’s the Queen of Every Universe and would never lower herself to the position of First Side Piece, but I still love le Figaro for giving me the image of Michelle Obama sniffing Obama’s dick for the scent of wig glue and a Maya Angelou poem.
Because I live in the land of the past known as the West Coast, the Grammys aren’t on live here (fuck you, CBS!). Even though it’s happening almost four farts away from my house, I can’t watch that cesspool of fuckery as it happens. So I’m watching the Grammys through clips. I tried watching a live feed of it, but it was so blurry and janky that it could’ve been a live stream from John Travolta’s colon cam for all I know. You know, mostly full of shit, but a sparkle from a shard of glitter here and there.
Anyway, Beyonce and Jay-Z opened the Grammys and it was like House of Dereon: After Dark. Beyonce copied RuPaul’s Drag Race by LIP-SYNCHING FOR HER LIFE. She copied Flashdance and Chicago with those stripper chair moves. And she copied a horny cat in heat itching for that Q-tip when she did this move:
But what’s really offensive is that Beyonce copied a chola-on-the-go with that hair. Any chola who’s in a rush, stays glamorous by applying massive amounts of L.A. Looks gel right after getting out of the shower and then she air dries her mop by keeping the windows rolled all the way down while she drives to work. Instant crunchy curls! And Jay-Z got into the copying game by copying the dance moves of somebody’s alcoholic grandpa who just had a stroke and suffers from full-body arthritis.
As expected, the First Lady of the Illuminati performed at the 50th birthday party of the First Lady of the United States on Saturday night. Beyonce (the gorgeous blonde white woman in the picture above) put on one of Tina Turner’s old dresses and sang “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable” for Michelle Obama while Obama did the Dougie in front of 500 guests. It was just like my mom’s 50th birthday party, but instead of Obama doing the dougie, my drunk tio did the barefoot salsa and instead of Beyonce performing, we played a warped Hector Lavoe cassette on a battery-powered Boombox.
The Chicago Tribune says that guests including the Clintons, Jennifer Hudson, Kal Penn, the Bidens, Nancy Pelosi, Donna Brazile, Sir Paul McCartney, Janelle Monae, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King and Al “White House Sharter” Roker all sipped champagne as Beyonce, John Legend and Stevie Wonder entertained their asses. It was a no cell phone party and they didn’t want anybody uploading pictures to social media. But that didn’t stop Beyonce from taking pictures before and after the party. Beyonce put a bunch of pics on her site including that one above of her with Bo. Or maybe that’s Sunny. All black dogs look the same to me. (No dog racist.)
What’s really fucked up is that Beyonce obviously made her Photoshop team spend hours on touching her up, yet she couldn’t ask them to fix Bo’s eye? Poor Bo. Beyonce made him the Michelle Williams of White House dogs. And if the pictures of Blue Ivy Carter are from this weekend, then the Obamas are just like us! They keep their Christmas tree up until February and if they’re really like my mom, they’ll plant the dead tree in the backyard and pretend it looks pretty.
The bar has just been raised for the former Biggest Feminist. If Miley wants to one-up Queen B, she’s going to have to come out with a book of feminist poetry or something (I sincerely look forward to the release of I Know Why The Gross Cooch Twerks).
Beyoncé Knowles-Carter put on her best ‘smart-looking’ glasses, pinned her hair into a librarian bun, and put on the same black caftan and giant turquoise jewellery your Women’s Studies professor wore every day in college to compose a 200-word letter for Maria Shriver’s website The Shriver Report called “Gender Equality Is a Myth!” In it, Beyoncé’s newest alter ego, Associate Professor Sasha Fierce-Byrnstein, PhD, discusses what we’ve already read a million times on Jezebel:
Today, women make up half of the U.S. workforce, but the average working woman earns only 77 percent of what the average working man makes. But unless women and men both say this is unacceptable, things will not change.
So why are we viewed as less than equal? These old attitudes are drilled into us from the very beginning. We have to teach our boys the rules of equality and respect, so that as they grow up, gender equality becomes a natural way of life. And we have to teach our girls that they can reach as high as humanly possible.
It’s a good letter, but I don’t for a second believe Beyonce wrote it. The most cohesive thing she’s written recently was the lyrics to Drunk In Love, and even then she just lazily repeated the same words over and over again while grossing me out with the visual of her fucking on Joe Camel in a cramped bathtub.
Here’s what really happened: Beyonce overheard a sales person at Barneys New York talking about the wage gap while trying on her 3rd pair of solid gold Louboutins, rubbed her two brain cells together, then sent Solange down to the basement with a typewriter and told her not to return until she’s written a letter that makes Betty Friedan sound like Courtney Stodden. Then she took a nap and had a dream where she wins a Nobel Prize.
(Pic via Wenn)
In case you haven’t fed your soul with this priceless gem from Vine that’s been going around, here is Beyonce and the two fallen Children of Destiny throwing a trio of side-eyes when Kelly Rowland calls herself the “second lead vocalist of the group” during an interview from the olden days. Beyonce throws a triple at that bitch. She throws a side-eye, lets out a shady cough and then gives a “I’m going to swallow this ‘BITCH, PLEASE’ I’m about to spit out” look. Beyonce won’t even let Kelly be SECOND place. Beyonce is forever the Regina George to Kelly’s Gretchen Wieners. I always love it when Beyonce’s undercover bitch comes out, even if it comes out ten long years after the fact.
Beyonce’s song “XO” is about making out and fucking your piece while you still can, so naturally it makes me think of sitting on an itchy carpet in my first grade classroom and watching the fiery death of astronauts on TV as my teacher fumbled with the off switch. At the very beginning of “XO,” audio of NASA public affairs officer Steve Nesbitt talking about a “major malfunction” plays and relatives of the victims and NASA have grabbed onto Beyonce’s weave and are dragging her around for being a tacky bitch. NASA and family members think that using audio from a national disaster in a pop song is trashy and trivializes the tragedy. NASA slapped Beyonce with this statement that was released yesterday:
“The Challenger accident is an important part of our history; a tragic reminder that space exploration is risky and should never be trivialized. NASA works everyday to honor the legacy of our fallen astronauts as we carry out our mission to reach for new heights and explore the universe.”
Beyonce responded to NASA in a statement to ABC News, but she didn’t apologize and says that her song is therapy and using the audio from the Challenger disaster is an homage to the crew. This is your brain’s cue to let your eyeballs know that rolling can commence.
“My heart goes out to the families of those lost in the Challenger disaster. The song ‘XO’ was recorded with the sincerest intention to help heal those who have lost loved ones and to remind us that unexpected things happen, so love and appreciate every minute that you have with those who mean the most to you.
The songwriters included the audio in tribute to the unselfish work of the Challenger crew with hope that they will never be forgotten.”
The only thing that statement is missing is a “so…YOU’RE WELCOME” at the very end.
NASA and the family members should lick the liquified diamonds polish on Beyonce’s toes for keeping the memory of the Challenger disaster alive in her stupid song! The History of Beyonce is a required class in high schools and now that she’s included audio of the Challenger disaster in one of her songs, teachers can teach their students about the tragedy. Beyonce is educating all of us! We’ll thank her again when she releases the b-sides of her album and one of the love songs includes 911 audio from 9/11. What would this country do without you, Beyonce?!
What better way to celebrate owning the collective asses of every other current recording artist than dropping a shitload of money on fuck toys? According to Radar, Beyonce and Jay-Z went to sex shop Babeland the day after Christmas and dropped $6,000. I’m trying to not be jealous that there are people on the planet who can spend six grand on ho shit. I’m also trying to not be jealous that the next day, TMZ reports Bey and Jay spent nearly $100,000 on booze at a nightclub in Atlanta.
I’m not pointing fingers, I’m just saying it’s a possibility my guidance counselor in high school was asleep at the wheel when she failed to suggest a life path that would take me on a road paved with high end dildos and top shelf booze.
An insider at Babeland gave a few details on the purchases:
“They didn’t buy anything tacky or too extreme,” the insider tells Radar exclusively. “It was all top-of-the-line stuff. Some of it was even gold-plated!”
What is the fucking point of buying sex shit if at least some of it isn’t extreme or tacky, even if it’s just for jokes? I can’t pretend to know a damn thing about how the 1% lives, but having a friend who has been given the high honor of going to your house if you die suddenly to take all your sex shit so your mom doesn’t find it feels like it should transcend all economic statuses. Maybe I’m just an asshole with a sick sense of humor, but I want to leave this world knowing someone will spend the rest of their life getting a full body shudder whenever they think about the rubber fisting mitten they found under my bed.
The only thing that would make this story even better is an update that Jay-Z went back to Babeland, demanding to return a butt plug that gave him nothing but problems and when he steps aside, Kanye was standing there. Fingers crossed!
Cue the Illuminati conspiracy theorists…Beyonce’s halo represents an ascension to the right hand of a one-world power! Mercy’s acceptance of the kiss is total enlightenment in her fate as a sacrifice for the New World Order! Madonna’s choice of Instagram filter is the unwritten contract to the Elders of Zion! (Holy shit, it’s exhausting to be that crazy).
Last night, Madonna was dragged by her daughter Mercy to Brooklyn’s Barclays Center to pay $18 for a Diet Coke and scream along to Single Ladies with a zillion other 8-to-12 year old girls and the glittery gays of YouTube. During the show, Beyoncé leaned down and made Mercy’s day, her week, her month, and even her yeeeeear by gracing her forehead with the presence of Bey’s lips as Madonna Instagrammed a picture with the caption: Mercy James gets a big fat one from the Queen. B!
Did Madonna just use the words big fat and Queen B in the same sentence? Intentional or unintentional, it still gets a slow clap from me.
After the show ended, E! Online reports that Beyoncé moved the party to Dave and Busters (don’t book an appointment with your optometrist, you read that right) to celebrate the release of her super-secret album. Excuse me? Dave and Busters? Who are you trying to fool, Bey; you don’t do Dave and Busters. Hell, I’m gutter trash and I don’t do Dave and Busters (I know it’s in my blood to like shitty beer and skee-ball, but I frigging hate that place.) We’ve all seen The Fighting Temptations; Bey doesn’t have the acting skills to successfully convince us she’s not completely out of place in that dumpy, noisy mess.
Nope, I was wrong; she nailed it. Pretty much looks like everyone I’ve ever seen at Dave and Busters. All that’s missing is audio of her screaming: “SHAAAAATS! LET’S DO SHAAATS!!” and the smell of beer-soaked carpet to give you the full D&B’s experience.
And that assistant/agent/PR lady behind her is giving such ”I need to update my resume and look for a new job on Linkedin tomorrow’ face I can barely handle it.
It’s been almost 72 hours since the Internet cracked open and hospitals reported a 100,000% rise in concussions from hos falling back out of their chairs while downloading Beyonce’s new visual album masterpiece. The world will never be the same again and I’m sure everyone’s spending their weekend writing a 10,000 word essay on where they were when Beyonce’s album came out. They would be in church today thanking the Gods for this gift, but on the front door of every church is the note: CLOSED TODAY, GO CLEANSE YOUR SOUL BY LISTENING TO BEYONCE’S MUSICAL BIBLE INSTEAD.
Rap-Up reports that the BumbleBeys bought 80,000 copies in just 3 hours after it went up on iTunes. 24 hours later, 430,000 copies were snatched up. And HITS Daily Double says that she sold another 70,000 copies yesterday bringing the total number of downloads to 500,000 in just 48 hours. It will debut at #1 on Billboard and some predict that another 100,000 copies will be bought before the sales week ends. Lady CaCa sold 258,000 copies of ARTPOP in the US in its first week, Miley Cyrus sold 270,000 copies of Bangerz in the US in its first week and 286,000 copies of Katy Perry’s Prism were sold in the US in its first week. Beyonce pretty much scalped all those bitches without even whispering about this shit.
The release of Beyonce’s musical Bible also got more tweets per minute than Sharknado did. Sharknado pulled out 5,000 tweets per minute and Beyonce’s album pulled out 5,300 tweets per minute.
Yes, I know Christmas should be renamed Beysmas and every December we should hang lace fronts on our mantles and celebrate the day Beyonce’s album was born, but I’m really not that impressed. Do you know who sold 107,000 copies with basically zero promo and less than zero effort? Exactly:
And Brit Brit didn’t even have to get in front of a mic to record all those songs on Britney Jean. Engineers and producers just pieced together her voice from other songs and a ghost singer filled in the rest. Our Lady of Cheetos doesn’t even have to take the Frapp straw out of her mouth to sell a 100,000 copies. Beyonce could never. Top that Beyonce! (Cut to next week when Beyonce releases an EP of her fart sounds and sells 2 million copies in 20 minutes.)