Category: Beyonce

Beyonce And Jay-Z’s Joint Album Will Save Tidal!

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)

The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.

Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!

In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:

“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”

I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.

But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.

A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday…

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.

If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.

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As Expected, Beyonce (And Kelly And Michelle) Performed At The Stellar Gospel Music Awards

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though this picture is blurrier than Dina Lohan’s vision, I love that you can still make out the look on Michelle Williams’ face that says “Wait, is my mic even on?” Sidenote: if Michelle Williams or Kelly Rowland or LeToya Luckett ever write a book, that should be the title.

So that Destiny’s Child reunion that was rumored to be happening at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards on Saturday night happened. Kelly, Michelle, Beyonce (who has definitely already filed this performance as a charitable donation on her 2015 taxes) sang the song “Say Yes” from Michelle’s gospel album Journey to Freedom. Yes, they performed one of Michelle’s songs. I know, I too have fallen and I can’t get up. Beyonce even let Michelle stand in the middle and sing on her own, too! Maybe Jesus had a talk with Beyonce back stage before they went on and warned her that if she tried to pull any spotlight-stealing Beyonce bullshit, he’d use his magic Jesus powers to unplug her wind machine.

The actual show doesn’t air till next weekend, but I’ve included a couple clips of Destiny’s Child performing “Say Yes” after the cut.

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There’s Going To Be A Destiny’s Child Reunion In Las Vegas Tonight

March 28, 2015 / Posted by:

That sound you just heard was Daddy Knowles frantically shoving what was leftover from his Destiny’s Child yard sale into his mobile retail station (aka his car) and hauling ass to Las Vegas so he can be the first merch vendor in the parking lot.

Page Six says that Destiny’s Child will be reuniting for the first time since Super Bowl XLVII at the Stellar Gospel Music Awards this evening in Las Vegas. I know that seems random as hell, but it’s all happening because Michelle Williams is up for a bunch of awards, and since the only thing Beyonce loves more than a Photoshopped thigh gap is the chance to grab someone else’s spotlight, she’s going and she’s dragging Kelly Rowland with her. A source says Destiny’s Child will be opening the show.

There’s also a rumor that Destiny’s Child’s performance this evening might be their sneaky way of announcing a reunion tour, but Beyonce’s rep (Basement Baby using a pay-as-you-go cellphone on loan from Blue Ivy) says that’s not true.

The Stellar Gospel Music Awards won’t air until next Sunday, so we’ll have to wait a whole week to see just how much Beyonce tried to upstage Kelly and Michelle or if she reused her angel costume from the Grammys. But I think we can all agree their performance will probably look a little something like this:

NO! Beyonce would never! And Beyonce totally won’t walk on stage to accept Michelle’s awards tonight either. Although if I were the Stellar Gospel Music Awards, I might want to think about securing the perimeter for Kanye West.

Bradley Cooper Is Replacing Clint Eastwood As The Director Of The “A Star Is Born” Remake

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.

A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)

The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.

According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.

On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!

But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.

I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:

Madonna Says She’d Get An Invite To The White House If She Was More Like Beyonce

March 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Madonna recently did one of those 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me for UsWeekly, and sadly we didn’t get anything that shocking, like finding out that she doesn’t sleep in a solid gold hyperbaric chamber filled with purified ghost screams every night or bathe in the tears of 1000 virgin vampires, but we did discover that she’s never met President Barack Obama. “Oh, that’s too bad” though black Madonna (copyright: Madonna) as he pulled out his phone and pretended to accept a call from President Obama for the 17th time that day.

She also gave her theory for why that has never happened, and it involves not Beyonce. When asked: “Who do you most want to meet?“, Madonna answered:

Well, I’ve never met Obama. He probably thinks I’m too shocking to be invited to the White House. If I was a little bit more demure, if I was just married to Jay Z.

I have re-read that answer at least 10 times and I’m not sure if that’s Madonna being shady or truthful. On the one hand, that sort of sounds like how I would imagine Madonna would call someone a boring basic bitch. On the other hand, it sounds like Madonna being self-aware enough to realize that her hard-core commitment to crotchless leather panty couture might be a bit much for the White House. I’m going with shade, if only because Shady Madonna is my favorite Madonna.

But Madonna shouldn’t be bothered about not receiving an invitation to the White House from President Obama, because I’m sure if we did a little research, we’d find out he’s never actually invited Beyonce either. Beyonce’s visit to the White House probably happened because Beyonce just showed up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue one day and instructed Blue Ivy to tell the Secret Service to let President Obama know that America’s Queen has dropped by for a visit.

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

February 23, 2015 / Posted by:

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

RIP The Internet: Unretouched Pictures Of Beyonce Have Leaked

February 18, 2015 / Posted by:

*The Beygency got us! Pics removed by request.

You better download as much free porn as you can before the all-powerful Beyonce calls up Al Gore and tells him to pull the plug and shut down the entire Internet, because SANS PHOTOSHOP pictures of her face are out there. The Internet was good while it lasted, but we dun goofed.

The Daily Mail says that yesterday, over 200 raw pictures of Beyonce were posted onto The Beyonce World fansite, but after the Beyhive sharpened their stingers and stabbed at the site for doing their god wrong, the pictures were taken down. The Beyonce World queefed up a statement saying that they released the pictures to show the world how naturally gorgeous their holy king is, but chose to delete them after the fans went crazy (and they probably didn’t want to wake up with shredded wigs at the bottom of their bed ala The Godfather).

Due to the disdain of the BeyHive, we have removed the photos. We don’t want to cause any drama, nor do we wish to start fan wars. Some of the things we have seen posted were just horrible, and we don’t want any parts of it. We were just posting the photos to share the fact that our queen is naturally beautiful, at the same time she is just a regular woman.

The Beyonce World call themselves a fansite? First, they scatter around hundreds of unretouched pictures of Beyonce and then they insult her by calling her “just a regular woman”? They better recite the Act of Beytrition (aka the lyrics to Yonce) over and over again until Beyonce forgives them.

Even though The Beyonce World erased the pictures from their site, many including these from L’Oréal’s 2013 Feria and Infallible campaigns, were saved and passed around on Twitter.

I was joking about Beyonce pulling the plug on the Internet as punishment for doing this to her, because I think she IS the leak. When I put my Detective La Toya brand magnifying glass up to these pictures, I can clearly see that they’re overly Photoshopped to make her look human and like one of us. Team Beyonce obviously leaked these pictures to make us believe that her skin is capable of growing human pimples and wrinkles. They want us to think that she’s just a regular mere mortal who doesn’t have flawless skin as smooth as a baby angel’s taint. Nice try, Beyonce.

And In “Thank God This Happened” News: Maya Rudolph Pulled Out Her Beyonce Last Night

February 16, 2015 / Posted by:

There were really only two things I wanted to see during last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show: I wanted to see Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, and Jan Hooks Skype with the audience from Heaven, and I wanted to see Maya Rudolph put on 8 layers of Spanx and 12lbs of human hair to do the world’s best Beyonce impression. Sadly, it appears Jesus can turn water into wine, but he can’t get Skype to work, so we never got to see that video chat from Heaven. But we did get to see Maya Rudolph do Beyonce, and that’s really all that matters, because bitch does Beyonce better than Beyonce does Beyonce. Maya Rudolph does Beyonce so well, I bet Kim Kardashian ambushed her ass backstage.

Maya Rudolph as Beyonce came out to join living life legend Martin Short (who really should have hosted the whole damn thing, if we’re being honest with ourselves) to talk about SNL characters who sang, like Opera Man and the What Up With That guy. I know that some of you may be confused by Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce and are thinking “Wait, that’s not actually Beyonce?“, but there are two very easy ways to tell the difference between Maya’s Beyonce and the real Beyonce:

1. The real Beyonce would never share the stage with anyone besides Beyonce

2. Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce sings live

Here’s more of Maya Rudolph walking the SNL40 red carpet last night with Kristen Wiig, as well as the real Beyonce arriving to the SNL40 afterparty with Jay Z and wearing what looks to be Joseph’s technicolor dreamcoat if it was poorly knocked-off by Kanye West:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Here’s North West’s Review Of Kanye’s Fashion Collection

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.

Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.

Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.

With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.

And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”

Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com

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