Page Six has made it their new goal in life to destroy the Illuminati’s chosen couple and when they published stories about how Jay-Z is passing his camel rocket to RiRi and Beyonce is looking to buy a penthouse of her very own, I figured she’d answer to those rumors by Instagramming a picture of her and RiRi making friendship bracelets together at a BFFs-only slumber party and a picture of her and her husband boning in their living room under a Home Sweet Home wreath. Beyonce didn’t Instagram anything like that, but she did Instagram a picture of Jay-Z and God’s spirit guide Blue Ivy Carter strolling along a beach that looks like it’s covered in bunny shit. Beyonce threw the STUNT QUEEN Instagram filter on it and added this note:
My favorite hue is JayZ Blue
Bey, please. We all know your favorite hue is Get Money Green (but whose isn’t?). Case in point: The Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer.
Nice try, Beyonce, but it’s obvious that isn’t Jay-Z or Blue Ivy Carter. We can’t see their faces! Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of Jay-Z, because he was too busy dropping camel saliva bombs on RiRi’s airport runway forehead while doing her missionary style. Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of BIC, because that baby was too blabbering in goo goo gaga talk to the team of interior designers who are designing her wing of the Manhattan penthouse her mom bought. That’s obviously one of Beyonce’s minions in a Joe Camel costume and the part of Blue Ivy Carter is being played by a slimmed down Emmanuel Lewis. Beyonce is shameless and thinks we’re all about as dumb as a dried glob of wig glue, but at least she gave Emmanuel Lewis a job. I will give her that.
According to the New York Post, a super-secret source has spilled the beans that Beyoncé is on the hunt for a post-divorce home and is house-hunting on the down-low in Manhattan. The source (her name rhymes with “Stuntyoncé”) says that Beyoncé will be the one to put everything she owns in a box to the left and leaving the 8,309-square foot Tribeca home she shares with Jay-Z, because she’s been quietly looking at a 4,045-square foot Chelsea penthouse all by herself. Normally, Jay-Z makes all the decisions when it comes to property buying (I guess he’s the Drew of their marriage), but he was nowhere to be seen when Bey came to look at the place, which means it’s DEFINITELY for Bey’s weaves only. The source also decided to pour some more salt into the hopeful hearts of Bumble Beys everywhere by adding that the price of the penthouse is definitely more than a clue that it’s not being bought for anyone but Beyoncé:
“There’s no way a $20 million apartment is for her mother or her sister. That would be wildly unlikely.”
Well, yeah, of course it’s not for her sister: it’s a penthouse. Unless Beyoncé also plans to buy all the apartments underneath, gut them, remove all the windows, install some smelly wall-to-wall carpeting and a busted washer/dryer, and fill it with boxes of damp photo albums, old ratty weaves, and expired cans of Beefaroni, then she’s not buying it for her sister.
But I’m so very confused. Normally Beyoncé responds to a “Their phony relationship is DEAD“ rumour by releasing a staged picture of her looking like a Sasha Fierce Betty Draper while holding hands with Blue Ivy and smiling lovingly at her camel husband. However, today there is no picture; just another rumour. Something’s up…better call Detective Basement Baby to see if she can get to the bottom of it (once she’s done solving the mystery of which rat ate the other half of her dust sandwich).
And if you’re curious, here’s Beyoncé’s alleged post-divorce sadness pad. No sand flooring? No in-house manger? No hay storage? It’s official, there’s no room for Jay-Z’s camel-ass in Bey’s new house.
Pics: Street Easy
For what has felt like centuries, the media and Beyonce have been playing a little game of back and forth that she probably orchestrated from the beginning since her weave controls the world. The media will squirt out a story about how Bey-Z’s marriage is on life support and they’re only holding it together for sake of their
child brand. Then Beyonce will answer to that rumor by posting a perfect family portrait on Instagram. Rinse, repeat, blah blah blah… But now Page Six is stepping shit up and over the weekend they squatted and pooted out a 10,000 word piece titled “Inside The Crumbling Marriage of Jay-Z and Beyonce.” Instead of that piece, I wish they would’ve explained to me in 10,000 words what kind of slutty burqa outfit (see: ab0ve) Beyonce wears in the On The Run tour, but I guess they’re saving that piece for another day.
Page Six claims they talked to one source who has been deep inside Team Bey-Z for years (aka Basement Baby who called Page Six from the Campbell’s soup can phone in her basement). The source didn’t exactly spit up dingles that are shiny and brand new. They say that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been a business arrangement from the beginning, and she started humping his camel humps, because she knew he’d take her higher and he got with her, because he knew she’d take him higher. Beyonce’s puppet strings used to be pulled by her daddy and now they’re being pulled by her husband. Beyonce can’t take a dump without Jay-Z popping his head in the bathroom to tell her to grunt softer and put a little more stank on it.
“There’s no bigger controller than Jay. She’s great, but she’d be a little lower on the totem pole if it weren’t for hooking up with him. In terms of ambition, talent, business acumen and work ethic, Beyoncé and Jay Z were perfectly matched. They are solid, solid business people who know what they’re doing.”
The source said that Beyonce is starting to get sick of Jay-Z controlling the hard drive in her head and is slowly stepping away from him. The robot uprising is beginning! Apparently, the straw that broke Jay-Z’s back has an infinityhead that is big enough to host the next Comic-Con, has a pair of alien nipples we’ve all seen more than we’ve seen our own and is named RiRi. The source said that RiRi’s the real reason why Basement Baby issued a camel beat down on Jay-Z.
The source says the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay’s protégé Rihanna, whom he allegedly planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna,’” says the source. “To many people who know them, they know it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”
Finally, the source said that Beyonce and Jay-Z will put their dying marriage out of its misery eventually, but it might not happen for a while, because they want to milk as much money out of it as they can.
Today, the source says, it’s not whether they’ll split, but how they’ll split — adding that the only time Jay and Beyoncé are really together is on stage. They’re allegedly traveling with marriage counselors, but Jay — as he’s always done — spends much of his time on the phone, tending to business. “His phone’s constantly ringing,” says the source, “Jay trying to make deal after deal.” Calls to representatives for the couple by The Post were not returned.
The question now is whether to stay married while essentially living separate lives — becoming the Bill and Hillary of hip-hop — or publicly divorce. Ultimately, it will be about the brand. “There’s face-saving involved — they don’t want to be looked at like other celebrities out there,” says the source. “They are business people first, entertainers second. Husband and wife comes somewhere down the line.”
Team Bey-Z has probably been planning this gigantic, break-up stunt for years. They staged and leaked that elevator video so the media would create a tsunami of break-up rumors. They’re going to ride those break-up rumors and use them for maximum publicity until the last show of their tour where they’ll sign the divorce papers onstage. The sight of their Gods breaking up before their eyes will cause the BumbleBeys in the audience to collectively shake so hard that it will creative a destructive, giant sonic boom that will quickly flatten the earth. And as we all turn to dust, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter will escape Earth in a spaceship headed to the next planet they plan to rule and destroy. In other words, this “break-up” shit is all just an Illuminati plot to destroy the world. Don’t take the
Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!
The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.
Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.
Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.
And now for your hourly update on the state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s maybe-crumbling marriage. According to Page Six, the everlasting love between Yawncé and Joe Camel is as dead as the wifi signal in the basement (Unable to join the network “Is there not a box of old weaves I asked you to organize, Solange?”). But because Beyoncé has an ego the size of …well…Beyoncé’s ego, and Jay-Z doesn’t want to admit that one of his 99 problems is, in fact, his bitch, they’re doing everything in their power to keep from getting divorced.
A source claims that Jay-Z hired marriage counsellors to travel with them on their “On The Run” tour, but they’re really only there to help them pretend they don’t totally hate each other as they sing about being sooooo in love night after night. Apparently, once the tour ends, Beyoncé plans on putting everything Jay-Z owns in a box to the left and telling that hussy-chasing camel to hit the bricks. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby. Basically, IT’S OVER. Except that it’s not:
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”
The only thing those two whores love more than attention is money, so this must be a tough decision for them. While Stuntyoncé and Jay-Z would no doubt kill for the chance to milk the hell out of a public divorce, they also want to keep counting their money without getting that guilty feeling that comes from swindling gullible fools at $75 a pop. That’s what’s known in the legal community calls a Katch-22, aka ”The Kardashian Connundrum”.
And how dare I refer to Blue Ivy a band-aid baby! I should know better. Band-aids are for commoners. Surely there’s some kind of luxury designer adhesive bandage product on the market. Maybe in France? Oh shit, I spoke to soon…
On February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorces filed in one single day will be made when millions of husbands file for divorce, because they’d rather legally break up with their wives than fulfill their wives’ VD gift request of suffering through Fifty Shades of Shit. Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t splatter against movie screens until VD 2015, but they’re already farting out trailers and teasers and teaser trailers, because they want to torture us all and they know that the anticipation will tickle at the dormant clits of middle-aged moms and get them to buy their tickets NOW.
Seen above looking like a Las Vegas ninja taking a boring shit, Beyonce threw up a teaser for the Fifty Shades of Puke trailer, which comes out on Thursday. The teaser trailer doesn’t show the only thing I want in a Fifty Shades of Grey teaser trailer, a close-up of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass, but it does have a slowed-down, fuck me version of “Crazy In Love” in it. Yes, Beyonce is involved in Fifty Shades Of Smegma. This is Beyonce’s way of reminding you that her ass will do anything for more MONAY!!!!!!! I know Beyonce’s a sub, but it would’ve made more sense if Basement Baby was involved in this mess instead since she’s the Christian Grey of the family. We all watched her slap and spank at Jay-Z in that elevator.
Here’s the trailer for the trailer:
That moaning at the end sounds like Beyonce’s doing the “uh oh uh oh” from Crazy In Love while lying in a Calgon bath during an Ambien and red wine-induced half coma. That half-asleep moan is the same half-asleep moan that I’ll probably make when I drag myself to see this piece of shit in theaters. Yes, I’ll probably see this wreck in theaters, because I don’t love myself and will suffer through some serious shit to see Jamie Dornan’s ass on a huge screen in front of me.
Some pop stars will take a song they didn’t write at all and change one tiny lyric so they can get the songwriting credit, because: 1) The throbbing, pus-filled ego monster that lives inside of them tells them that the song is nothing without them and; 2) The throbbing, pus-filled greed monster that also lives inside of them wants that royalty money. Beyonce is known for pulling that trick. So during a Reddit AMA (via Vulture) to promote her new Vh1 show Make or Break, songwriter and 4 Non-Blonder Linda Perry was asked what she thinks about hos pulling that shit. As the BumbleBeys of the Beehive prepared their stingers for attack, she spit this out.
Linda, how do you feel about Beyonce changing one word on a song and getting writing credit. Does that bother you as a songwriter?
well hahaha um thats not songwriting but some of these artists believe if it wasnt for them your song would never get out there so they take a cut just because they are who they are. but everyone knows the real truth even Beyonce. She is talented but in a completely different way
That statement is dripping with pure, potent, sickening jealousy! The chola Erykah Badu is obviously just jealous of Beyonce’s impeccable writing skills, because she wishes she wrote the classic Christmas song Silent Night, the haunting Ave Maria and the disco masterpiece Emotion like Beyonce did! How dare Linda Perry come for little, old songwriting artist Beyonce. I mean, Beyonce obviously writes her own songs. We all saw her scribble in her notebook in that insufferable propaganda piece masquerading as an HBO documentary!
You know Beyoncé is so pissed right now. She released a whole album’s worth of ~deep~ music videos, and all she gets are 8 crappy Video Music Awards nominations?!? She probably thought MTV would create a special Beyoncé-centric awards ceremony honoring her achievement in film called the MTV (in association with The Illuminati) Presents Creative Excellence in Moving Pictures: A Tribute to Her Majesty BEYONCÉ!!!
But it is nice of MTV to actually go along with the charade of releasing nominations and not just backing a dump truck full of moon man statues into Beyoncé’s driveway. That’s very thoughtful of them. UsWeekly has the whole list of nominations, but the important ones (aka BEYONCÉ’S NOMINATIONS!!! aka her future wins) are after the jump.
And I bet “Beyoncé’s Dad” is exactly how he introduces himself when he slithers up to potential targets at the hotel bar. “Hey there foxy lady, can Beyoncé’s Dad buy you a drink? No? Well what about Beyoncé’s former manager? Can he buy you a drink? C’mom baby, how about the ex-husband of House of Deréon designer Tina Knowles? You want some Deréon sneakers? I think I got some in the car. Only $39.99.”
According to BuzzFeed, Beyoncé’s skeevy father Mathew Knowles might be adding to his collection of whoopsie babies, because a Houston-area woman has come forward claiming she let Beyoncé’s Dad hit it sometime back in 2009 and in 2010 she popped out a destiny’s child. 30-year-old Taqoya Branscomb claims that 63-year-old Mathew is the father of her 4-year-old daughter. I’ll save you from having to dig out your calculator: that means in 2010, Beyoncé’s 59-year-old father was sniffing around for 26-year-old snatch. STAY CLASSY, MATHEW.
Taqoya has come forward because she wants Mathew to take a DNA test and start paying child support (and maybe get her a couple VIP passes for when the “On The Run” Tour rolls through Houston?). Hey Taqoya? First of all, hot name, and second of all, go ahead and let Maury know that he’s not needed, because Beyoncé’s dad is definitely the daddy. Back in 2009, that dumb horny pepaw was fucking anything that moved and he wasn’t wearing a condom. If Taqoya’s baby is his (it is, count on it) it will be the second secret baby he made in 2009. That we know of! There’s probably a lot more, but the baby mamas are scared that if they come forward, Mathew will send his muscle (Basement Baby) to “pay them a little visit”.
Basement Baby did an interview with Lucky Magazine where she talked about fashion (Who cares!) and her music (Who cares: the sequel!), and barely said anything about the only reason why Lucky gave her the cover. Lucky was probably wishing that they’d get a juicy quote out of Basement Baby, but she honored the Illuminati oath of silence she had to sign if she didn’t want her allowance cut in half. Basement Baby didn’t say that she proudly beat that camel and PETA can come at her. Basement Baby only said that her family is all good and I’m taking that to mean that Tina Knowles moved the children’s table, where BB sits during holiday dinners, to another room so she wouldn’t get the urge to throw a knife at Jay-Z when he looks at her funny.
The day we’re talking in the park is two weeks after TMZ published a leaked elevator video of Knowles getting into an altercation with brother-in-law Jay Z the night of the Met ball at the Standard Hotel. It’s a subject she expects in conversation but one she doesn’t want to focus on. She calls the incident “that thing.” “What’s important is that my family and I are all good,” she says. “What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”
Well, that cleared up EVERYTHING!
I get it, Basement Baby’s daddy taught her well. Why would she spit out the story of that elevator beat down to a magazine for free when she can use it in the future to sell the tell-all she’ll have to write after Beyonce really cuts off her allowance for drop-kicking Jay-Z again at a family reunion. Or Basement Baby’s waiting until Lifetime wants to buy the story from her so they can turn it into a movie starring a Furby in a wig as Beyonce, a Joe Camel stuffed toy as Jay-Z, Orlando Jones as Basement Baby and Bobbi Kristina’s gap as the elevator.