After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
Coachella’s tickets are sold through Festival Ticketing, and well, if you’re a weed dealer who wants to make some easy money, stand outside of Festival Ticketing’s call center today. Because nearly every agent may need something mind-numbing to deal with the Beyhive angrily buzzing in their ears all day. The organizers of Coachella announced today that Beyonce has pulled out of headlining due to the fact that the twin messiahs are growing in her body.
During Adele’s tribute to George Michael at the Grammys, she stopped after the first verse of her slowed-down version of Fastlove, and said she had to do it right for him before staring over. Adele was taking that tribute performance very seriously. As it turns out, she was taking it seriously because the family of George Michael specifically wanted her to perform the tribute.
When Adele won the Album of the Year Grammy, she said in so many words that the voters made the wrong decision and that the trophy should’ve gone to her lord and savior Beyonce. Ten-time Grammy (and three-time Latin Grammy) winner Carlos Santana disagrees with Adele and added some words that put his face on a Most Wanted poster in the Hive.
After Beyonce covered the Grammys stage with a fertility sun goddess meets Young Pope extravaganza, I fully expected the other performers to suddenly come down with a serious case of the wet shits and refuse to perform. I also expected the other winners to hand their trophy over to Beyonce before worshipping at her deity feet. Adele kind of did that after her album 25 won Album of the Year.
When Beyonce’s never-ending Grammy’s performance started tonight and I saw her looking like the Virgin Mary if the Virgin Mary was a member of the 1%, I screamed, “FUUUUUUCK,” out loud, because I wished that I would’ve bought stock in a casket company. Because you know, nearly ever member of the Beyhive immediately ran out and bought a coffin so that they could die in it after being blessed by their God’s performance tonight.
While wearing a headdress that was equal parts She-Ra, Aaliyah in the Queen of the Damned and Madonna at the Super Bowl, the reincarnation of Jesus busted out a medley of Love Draught, Sandcastles and THE BIBLE at the Grammys tonight. It was like a live performance version of her EXTRA pregnancy portraits but with a major budget. It was so HIGH ART that I’m sure the MET in NYC is going to burn every piece of art they have, and the only thing they’ll show from now on is Beyonce’s Grammy’s performance.
— The Beyonce World (@thebeyworldcom) February 13, 2017
Meanwhile, some second year performance art student logged on to LegalZoom to find out how to throw a lawsuit at Kleptoyonce for stealing and recreating their first year project at the Grammys tonight.