Sam Smith, seen above looking like George Michael fucked Harley Davidson Barbie, is currently nominated for six Grammy awards, one of which is Album of the Year. Sam Smith is up against four other nominees, but as we all know, the only one who counts is her majesty Beyonce. And during an interview with Rolling Stone, he confessed that if the Illuminati were to accidentally write SAM SMITH on the envelope containing the name of the winner of Album of the Year instead of BEYONCE, he would give his Grammy to Beyonce. Yes, Sam Smith is a hard-core member of the Beyhive.
“She deserves it way more than I do. I’d be embarrassed if I got it over her. If I got it, I’d give it to her.”
Meanwhile, in a giant gilded pyramid perched high atop a mountain of money, her majesty Beyonce just whispered to Blue Ivy “Awww, that’s cute – he thinks we live in a world where Beyonce would ever take someone’s sloppy seconds.” Besides, Sam Smith should know that Beyonce would never lose an award to someone not named Beyonce.
And Beyonce’s wasn’t the only ass Sam Smith kissed in Rolling Stone. Sam Smith also saved a couple smooches for Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Adele, and Justin Bieber:
Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!
What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.
Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.
If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.
It doesn’t take a Suze Orman to guess that things might not be so great, money-wise, for Beyonce’s Daddy Mathew Knowles right now. First off, besides being “Beyonce’s Daddy”, I’m not sure what his current job is. Second, he has not one, but two secret baby mamas to take care of. Third, the last time he tried to make some money, it was trying and failing to sell a Destiny’s Child biopic. But it looks like he finally found a way to make a couple bucks. “Fill me in on your secret?” whispered Michelle Williams into the receiver of a payphone.
According to TMZ, Daddy Knowles is having a massive garage sale outside of his office in Houston, Texas, and the majority of the shit he’s selling (and it is shit) is old Beyonce/Destiny’s Child merchandise. Mathew is selling tour books, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, House of Dereon clothing, and a giant poster of Beyonce for $200. Not to be left out, he’s also selling a Solange CD for $1.96. And I’m sure if you dig hard enough, you’ll find a box containing what’s left of Daddy Knowles’ dignity.
But if out-of-style jeans and musty-smelling Sasha Fierce t-shirts aren’t your thing, he’s also selling office furniture and office equipment. So for everyone who has ever wanted to own a desk chair that has been farted in by Beyonce’s dad or an old-ass fax machine that was maybe touched by Mama Tina, now is your chance!
Meanwhile, in a sold-platinum and emerald-encrusted penthouse in New York City, Beyonce is on the beautiful Beyonce words delivery system (aka the phone) asking her assistant to take a trip to Houston and buy up all the Beyonce concert t-shirts. “My sister Solange just got married and moved out of the basement, which means she needs a new pile of my old clothing to sleep on.”
Here’s more pictures from Daddy Knowles’
garbage garage sale, as well as the garage sale star herself going out for dinner with Jay Z last night:
And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night
In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.
On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her humanoid camel husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.
The video is after the cut:
And I’m sure he’s still pitching it to anyone with $10 and a camera, because Daddy Knowles is persistent. Also because he has a lot of time on his hands and could use the cash. But let’s go back to 2013, when he was still pitching it to people who mattered. So, more Sony hacked emails have been released, and according to The Daily Beast, there’s one from Screen Gems’ Clint Culpepper to Amy Pascal regarding a pitch by Mathew Knowles about a possible Destiny’s Child biopic. Back in December of 2013, Beyonce’s Dad contacted Sony executives with the idea, and it sounds like they were interested. DUH! Of course they were interested. You could make a 3-hour silent movie about Beyonce brushing her hair called Beyonce Brushes Her Hair and it would gross $9.6 billion.
Also included in the email leak was talk about another Spider-Man reboot, and a feature film starring Kanye West. That last one doesn’t sound like a terrible idea, because Kanye West is a great actor. Did you see him in the wedding episode of KUWTK? He stayed in character the whole time (his character being a man who isn’t totally ashamed to be marrying into that awful family).
Unfortunately, it sounds like Sony never really took it past the ‘interested’ stage, which means there’s a good chance Daddy Knowles packed up his Destiny’s Child biopic and pitched it elsewhere. But that’s not to say there won’t ever be a biopic titled Say My Name: The Story of BEYONCE!!!!!! and the Other Ones. The Daily Beast says that Destiny’s Child has been given the low-budget Lifetime treatment and it will air sometime in February 2015. No word on whether or not Daddy Knowles had anything to do with it.
But if Daddy Knowles is still pitching that Destiny’s Child, then he’s wasting his time. Doesn’t he realize that Beyonce has already made the greatest movie about Beyonce?
And of course I mean the opposite of that.
The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.
Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.
That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.
And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.
First off, eleven minutes?!? Beyonce be tripping; ain’t nobody got time for eleven minutes of anything, let alone for watching a SANS FARDS* (*several thousand gallons of fards may have been used in the production of this film) Beyonce-bot try to act human. But in the event you do have eleven minutes to kill, I strongly suggest you waste it on Beyonce’s half-assed million-dollar attempt at a first-year film studies project, a short film she released today titled Yours And Mine.
In the words of Stefon, this mess has everything: a sad-looking Beyonce crying about being famous, a high-fashion Beyonce staring at herself in a mirror, Beyonce blowing out an candle in slow motion, Beyonce uttering the words “I sometimes wish I could walk down a street just like everyone else“, Beyonce talking about feminism, Beyonce trapped inside stretchy wind sock to represent the constricting nature of celebrity or some such bullshit, creepy twins, Beyonce wiping away human tears. Speaking of eyes, you’re going to want to grab a bottle of Extra-Strength Occular Muscle Relief, because Yours And Mine will make your eyes roll harder than they’ve ever rolled before.
Do I even have to say it? Barney Gumble did it first, and he did it better.
I’m not sure why Beyonce made this eleven and a half minute long visual love letter to herself, but my best guess is that either she wants to win an Academy Award for Most Egotistical Use of Film, or someone accidentally set her narcissism levels to a dangerously high 9.8 during a routine maintenance check. What is this, amateur hour? Everyone knows Beyonce isn’t supposed to be programmed any higher than a 9.2!
Here’s Beyonce B. DeMille herself at the Billboard Women in Music Awards earlier this afternoon looking all kinds of Mama Tina in the face and hair area (that’s a high compliment):
“Ermahgerd! A few months ago, Willy busted one in me while ‘Drunk In Love’ was playing and now I’m knocked up with a spare. Thank you, King B!” is probably what Duchess Kate is saying to Beyonce in that picture. And yes, I’m trying to figure out how to say “Ermahgerd” with a British accent.
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s trip to NYC took them to Brooklyn last night where they met the King and Queen of the Beyhive on the floor of the kingdom that Jay-Z owns one-fifth of one percent of. Below is a video from The Hollywood Reporter where a guy tells Duchess Kate and Prince William to get their royal asses up out of their seats to walk a few steps to greet Beyonce and Jay-Z.
How gracious of the royals to let their subjects skip the whole “bowing down” thing. I’m talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z of course. It was so nice of Beyonce to let Duchess Kate and Prince William break Beyhive royal protocol by not bowing down before her. Not even Michelle Williams gets to do that! Who knows what these rich bitches talked about. Duchess Kate probably told Jay-Z that she’s sorry to hear about his 99 problems and at one point I’m sure Beyonce gave DK the number to her personal wig master just in case Prince William wants to dress up that bald spot. Today, Bill and Cathy Cambridge are visiting the 9/11 Memorial and then I’m sure they’ll do tourist stuff like go see Mamma Mia! after having dinner at Manhattan’s finest restaurant Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen + Bar.
Also, a small ESCANDALO happened last night after the game. LeBron James ignored the invisible “Do Not Put Your Peasant Hands On The Royal” sign hanging on Duchess Kate when he put his arm around her. The Daily Mail dramatically says that LeBron BREACHED PROTOCOL, so I’m sure THE QUEEN will declare war on our yanky asses for this.
If you’re going to blatantly breach protocol by touching a sacred royal from a different country on American soil (copyright: Laura Jeanne Poon), then you must throw a sneaky rebel side-eye while doing so.
Pics: Splash, Getty
The 2015 Grammy nominations are being announced verrrrry slowly today (for real, they decided to drag this shit out till tonight), but from the nominations that have been released so far, we know that popular singing human Beyonce has been nominated for the following: Best R&B Performance and Best R&B Song for “Drunk In Love”, Best Urban Contemporary Album and Best Surround Sound Album for the secret iTunes album that almost broke the internet, and Best Music Film for Beyonce & Jay Z: On The Run Tour. They still have yet to announce the nominations for Album Of The Year, Performer Of All Time, and Queen Of Everything, but one can assume Beyonce will be nominated for those as well.
But even if she doesn’t get nominated for Album Of The Year (“HA! That’s cute” said Beyonce, as she finalized the blue prints for her newest trophy room at Lacefront Manor), the Huffington Post says the 5 she got today brings her total Grammy nominations up to 51, surpassing Dolly Parton’s 46, and making her the most Grammy-nominated woman of all time. Currently the most Grammy-nominated man of all time is Quincy Jones with 79, but don’t worry – I’m sure Beyonce will find a way to release several albums under the name “Ben Yonce” and break that record too.
Of course, there were other people nominated for Grammy Awards today besides Beyonce (in Beyonce’s house, they call those people “future losers”). Sam Smith also got 5 nominations, Iggy Azalea got 4, including Best Rap Album (oh boy, here we go again), Tay Tay Butterscotch Sundae got 3.
On Monday, Beyonce is re-releasing the album the almost broke the Internet (unlike Kim Kartrashian’s glazed ham ass which only broke screens), because she knows that the Beyhive will empty their checking accounts to buy a zillion copies of it and she needs the money since she’s been saving up to buy the planet Venus and rename is Beynus. The “platinum edition” of her album includes 2 new songs, 4 new remixes and some other shit. One of the new songs is 7/11, which bruised my eardrums, and she burped up the video for it tonight.
This shit’s supposed to look like Beyonce got stoned, drunk and spontaneously decided to make a video with her girlfriends in a hotel suite one day. It’s quirky, cutesy, accessible and goofy Beyonce! It was shot on an iPhone 6 in 1 hour with no budget! Please, Beyonce doesn’t do quirky and she doesn’t do shit with no budget. To make this video, it took 3 weeks to storyboard it, 3 weeks of pre-production and 5 weeks to shoot on several sound stages in several cities using a crew of make-up artists, stylists flown in from 3 different countries, choreographers, a cinematographer, high tech lights, a camera crew of 12, a facial expression coach, wig masters, stand-ins and full catering. It took another 4 weeks of post-production to finish it and it’s the most expensive video of all-time. That’s supposed to be Blue Ivy Carter at the 0:57 mark, but it’s really a grown midget stunt double. And that part where she’s singing “Don’t you drink that alcohol!” took 4 days to film, because she wanted to spill just the right amount of alcohol.
That’s really how this video was made.
With all that being said, I can’t wait to see the messy recreations of this video that the Glittery Gays of YouTube and beyond will bust out. If you’re doing a recreation of this shit and need an ass to play dice on, you know where to find me.