I realize that during the Grammys earlier this year is that Beyonce, the queen of our time, placed a spell on all of us in the middle of her Offering to the Goddess performance when she gazed into the camera like “Love Me..Join Tidal… I COMMAND YOU!!” But that shit don’t work on me, because I don’t drink the damn lemonade. I prefer my ice to caress whiskey and honestly, I don’t even need the ice. So go hypnotize someone else, sistah!
Still, the spell worked on a few people (like Adele, who damn near somersaulted on stage to present Queen Bey with her Grammy on a bended knee). And director Jon Favreau is also ready to hand over stacks of cash for her to voice Nala in an upcoming live-action remake of The Lion King.
After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
Coachella’s tickets are sold through Festival Ticketing, and well, if you’re a weed dealer who wants to make some easy money, stand outside of Festival Ticketing’s call center today. Because nearly every agent may need something mind-numbing to deal with the Beyhive angrily buzzing in their ears all day. The organizers of Coachella announced today that Beyonce has pulled out of headlining due to the fact that the twin messiahs are growing in her body.
During Adele’s tribute to George Michael at the Grammys, she stopped after the first verse of her slowed-down version of Fastlove, and said she had to do it right for him before staring over. Adele was taking that tribute performance very seriously. As it turns out, she was taking it seriously because the family of George Michael specifically wanted her to perform the tribute.
When Adele won the Album of the Year Grammy, she said in so many words that the voters made the wrong decision and that the trophy should’ve gone to her lord and savior Beyonce. Ten-time Grammy (and three-time Latin Grammy) winner Carlos Santana disagrees with Adele and added some words that put his face on a Most Wanted poster in the Hive.
After Beyonce covered the Grammys stage with a fertility sun goddess meets Young Pope extravaganza, I fully expected the other performers to suddenly come down with a serious case of the wet shits and refuse to perform. I also expected the other winners to hand their trophy over to Beyonce before worshipping at her deity feet. Adele kind of did that after her album 25 won Album of the Year.